Found Viagra in STBXH pocket

[suspiciousandsad]

H and I are separating. I'm keeping it amicable for the DCs, and so as not to spoil Christmas, or have them associate it in the future with us breaking up we haven't told them yet. I also want to wait until he has found somewhere to live so there isn't a big lapse in time and them questioning 'is he going? When is he going?" Etc. so we are still keeping up appearances and living in the same house.

Anyway, years of suspicion on my part and "indiscretions" on his have passed, I have finally thrown the towel in, seen a solicitor and we are in mediation whilst we try to iron out the finances. He is due to go in the new year.

He is becoming more secretive, goes off to make phone calls, has nothing to do with me/us in any real sense, just going through the motions. But also not making any headway moving out. He has admitted to an EA with a colleague, and paying for sex. But only twice in our entire relationship, and he used condoms. So that's ok then. And besides, 'all men do it.'

Tonight I rifled through his pockets and found three blister packs of Viagra. In tact.

I guess him having sex elsewhere isn't anything to do with me is it? But what it is is that it just hurts so fucking much that he can walk away from us, be planning to have sex, and not be sorry, not a glimmer of remorse. Just moving on.

It's the second time I found it, the first he said it was for me (one had been used) but it was never a discussion we had. He couldn't sustain an erection and I found it too upsetting, thinking it was my fault, that I was so repulsive. This was two years ago and we haven't had sex since (he has, I haven't), recently he told me it was because I would come onto him like 'queen ape, demanding sex' whereas I would cry afterwards because I felt to awful.

I don't really know why I am posting to be honest. I don't understand how he can't be devastated, sorry, remorseful. No, he is planning his next shag. He told me it's 'just the way he is wired'. He doesn't want to stop 'being a player'.

He's a middle-aged man, in his 50s. Without a fucking clue what is important in life. I'm in shock and disbelief.

Has he had sex so he's being manipulative? Probably.

I don't get it. Why did you go through his things when you are divorcing? It's like that exh that went through the OPs bathroom bin. It's creepy and controlling. He is allowed to have sex with someone else. Yes he's been a dick in the past but that doesn't excuse your behaviour.

Also I'm pretty sure it's a criminal offence to mess around with someone else's prescribed medicine, so you better hope he's too embarrassed to mention the Viagra to his solicitor.

This is really fucking hard, and I have a boy saying "please just don't argue over Christmas". They aren't stupid and know there is something going on. They just want a nice Christmas.

And whatever happens we are and will remain a family. So there will be time spent together regardless of his appalling behaviour. What I can claw back I will, in a bid to be civil. I am doing my best to put a brave face on and hide my bitterness and hurt for their sake.

You may not approve but I am doing my absolute best. I might not be getting it right, but fuck me if I'm not trying. I wanted to tell them yesterday but I bottled it. Simple as. So I tried to compensate. We had a really good day because I wanted to take their minds of it. It is a fucking long road I'm on here. And it's fucking shit.

And the medicine wasn't prescribed.

It's not about whether we approve and it's not about telling the kids the bald truth yet

But I do believe that you colluding with him to present this false front of a happy family will confuse the kids more in the long run

He says he's a player? A player who can't get it up? So he takes out his performance insecurity on you by insulting you with "ape" descriptors.

You are well rid. Who needs that self-esteem eroding shit from an inadequate man?

You need to emotionally detach. You are the only one hurting. Arguing will on,y hurt yourself and the kids. He is I pervious to you and your disapproval.

Detach.

Tell the kids after Christmas. Stay calm. Don't go through his pockets or texts. He is none of your business any more. Keep the whole thing as calm and businesslike as possible. Pretend he is a stranger. Distant and polite and just hope the house sells soon and you never have to see him again.

And it doesn't matter what his family thinks or what he tells them. Stick with the people who know you and know the truth, you don't have to persuade everyone he is the bad guy. People believe what they want and if they want to believe him you can't do anything about it.

He is an utter waste of your time and energy.

Thank you each and every one for your time and support.

Yes I will detach. I have stopped hunting. I'm sure the urge to try to find out wtf is going on with him will raise it's ugly head again and I will contain it.

I have printed this out and filed it with the other ones. I do re-read them because my head is so foggy with it all and they remind me why I am doing it. It is not an easy road. Sometimes the future terrifies me, sometimes the thought if it is a breath if fresh air. It's a roller coaster and emotional times are never straightforward.

I have asked MN to delete this thread for me. I've overshared and there's a chance someone in RL has picked up on it. Plus, I want to get back to being me. My proper username, my proper RL.

So it's red lipstick and big earrings all the way from now. Merry Christmas to you all. And thank you.

Good for you suspicious. Tits and teeth! You WILL get through this and wonder why you put up with it for too long. Been there...

Merry Christmas to you too. Next year will be better, I promise you that.

Don't forget you can still come back here for support, under a namechange or not.