Found Viagra in STBXH pocket

[suspiciousandsad]

H and I are separating. I'm keeping it amicable for the DCs, and so as not to spoil Christmas, or have them associate it in the future with us breaking up we haven't told them yet. I also want to wait until he has found somewhere to live so there isn't a big lapse in time and them questioning 'is he going? When is he going?" Etc. so we are still keeping up appearances and living in the same house.

Anyway, years of suspicion on my part and "indiscretions" on his have passed, I have finally thrown the towel in, seen a solicitor and we are in mediation whilst we try to iron out the finances. He is due to go in the new year.

He is becoming more secretive, goes off to make phone calls, has nothing to do with me/us in any real sense, just going through the motions. But also not making any headway moving out. He has admitted to an EA with a colleague, and paying for sex. But only twice in our entire relationship, and he used condoms. So that's ok then. And besides, 'all men do it.'

Tonight I rifled through his pockets and found three blister packs of Viagra. In tact.

I guess him having sex elsewhere isn't anything to do with me is it? But what it is is that it just hurts so fucking much that he can walk away from us, be planning to have sex, and not be sorry, not a glimmer of remorse. Just moving on.

It's the second time I found it, the first he said it was for me (one had been used) but it was never a discussion we had. He couldn't sustain an erection and I found it too upsetting, thinking it was my fault, that I was so repulsive. This was two years ago and we haven't had sex since (he has, I haven't), recently he told me it was because I would come onto him like 'queen ape, demanding sex' whereas I would cry afterwards because I felt to awful.

I don't really know why I am posting to be honest. I don't understand how he can't be devastated, sorry, remorseful. No, he is planning his next shag. He told me it's 'just the way he is wired'. He doesn't want to stop 'being a player'.

He's a middle-aged man, in his 50s. Without a fucking clue what is important in life. I'm in shock and disbelief.

OMG he is vile. He sounds like he has MH problems. So,anything he says and does will be delusional. Do not listen to a twisted word he says or bother what his family think. You are totally innocent . It is going to be so hard but you will begin to realise you have been enabling him to keep your family together.
Sounds like he has an addiction to sex with strangers to prop his expanding belly and limp dick. He is a sad and weak fool. You are beginning to show strength. I just wish he'd leave then you could get better.

I hate him too, btw. I'd love to punch his fucking sleazy lights out. Not gonna happen though (more's the pity) and it's not gonna happen for you.

Move things forward and get the fuck away from him, it's the only way. Have you called your solicitor today ? Tell them mediation isn't working. I bet he just fucking loves dragging his feet and stringing you out as much as he can.

Divorce him on account of unreasonable behaviour and fuck mediation.

I am swearing a lot now

Swear away. I have no kind words.

Get those divorce papers now. Take away his control. Burst his seedy bubble. You are being to amicable with a man with Viagra in his pocket. And he thinks he's entitled to behave as he does. That's the scary bit. Don't try to reason or fix him there's another life out there for you.

I am sorry this is happening to you. You have done nothing wrong. Hold your head high and let the ba....d do all the shouting and complaining to his family. They know the truth. He will reap what he sows!

When I look forward it feels like I'm taking a deep, clean breath.

Your encouragement is helping, thank you. I need you to create a podcast telling me firmly what to do. "DO NOT SNOOP". "DO NOT SNEAK" "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT" etc etc

I am not worried or scared of life without him, or on my own.

I just want to get on with it.

I am a bit jealous. It's not a proper emotion, I know that. But his life is having fun and pleasing himself, and I"m all "How DARE he?"

This morning I put my red lipstick on. First time in a long time.

Well done you! He's a sad bastard, mid fifties and he still wants to be a player.........pity him, nothing to be jealous of!

Think of ways to empower yourself. That's the way forward. Starts with the red lipstick. What about doing up your bedroom ? Make it your sanctuary away from him. Be busy on yourself and the kids.
Stop thinking about yourself in terms of what he's doing. Don't listen to his nasty words. Horses for courses I say.
Also remember in your bargaining in the mediation he will probably have a huge pension. Insist on your half.
You have all the power really. He has become an excuse for a human being.

OP you will move to a place of indifference. It's ok to get there via hatred, if that wakes you up out of your current emotional entanglement/enabling/fear of this man.

Use the burning anger and hatred. Pick up the phone, call a solicitor, tell them mediation is 'not working' and serve him his divorce papers and get him out of the house.

You can do this you really can.

This has happened to some of my family and friends and most of the men ended up being thrown out again and now live at their parents. Yes. In their fifties. With no money because they're paying out big time for their mistakes.
In my opinion it never ends well for them. But the women went on to thrive despite feeling jealous at the beginning.
These feelings will pass. You are worth so much more and he knows it that's why he's so defensive and cruel. So hold your head up high.

Don't be angry be indifferent. It's something he's not used to. Change your behaviour towards him. At the moment you are reacting. He won't be there long so ignore him nonchalantly take a bath watch tv in your room or go out with friends. It will be hard but you will feel empowered by taking charge of yourself.

The thing is he hadn't had the shock of living in a flat on his own yet has he? With only his seedy porn and prostitutes for company. He won't be happy don't let him fool you.

He's moved on, superficially at least. He has diverted himself planning sex.

I will call the solicitor tomorrow.

No one from his family has made contact with me. They will all know by now.

Exactly. He's not in the real world is he?

I think l would be tempted to phone or email the most gossipy member of his family and put across the "real" story. they may not believe you but everyone likes a good gossip and some of it will stick.
You never know they may not be surprised at all by your version

I lost it with him this morning mad as I was doing so I could hear Anyfucker saying "don't let him get to you".

It's his lies, his version of events, all sugar coated, making me out to be unloving and unlovable.

I just want him to understand. IT IS ABSOLUTELY HIM. I am so frustrated, that is what is infuriating.

Red lipstick and leopard print coat today. This time next week I'll be doing the school run looking like Kat Slater.

@ kat slater

He will never understand because then he would have accept responsibility. Stop trying to make him see...it is a waste of your time and energy that would be better utilised elsewhere.

I completely lost it this morning.

Then we had a lovely day out with the kids.

And the doubts creep in....

Thankfully I can re-read this a remember.

Why are you still having "lovely days out with the kids" ?

Have you learned nothing ?

Because telling them a few days before Xmas would make it even more awful than it will be telling them a few days afterwards.

But why have the "lovely days out" sans famille

Isn't that ust going to confuse the kids even more ?

One week mummy and daddy are having fantastic times together, the next daddy is moving out

There is a way to prepare kids for their parents splitting when you know it is inevitable, and I don't think this is it

Mind you, it's sounding like you are less than "prepared" yourself

sorry, I meant avec famille

Oh my goodness what are you doing? Days out with a sleaze? You are enabling him to compensate for his vileness. Then he can feel he's normal. You think being nice is the answer. I give up.