Found Viagra in STBXH pocket

[suspiciousandsad]

H and I are separating. I'm keeping it amicable for the DCs, and so as not to spoil Christmas, or have them associate it in the future with us breaking up we haven't told them yet. I also want to wait until he has found somewhere to live so there isn't a big lapse in time and them questioning 'is he going? When is he going?" Etc. so we are still keeping up appearances and living in the same house.

Anyway, years of suspicion on my part and "indiscretions" on his have passed, I have finally thrown the towel in, seen a solicitor and we are in mediation whilst we try to iron out the finances. He is due to go in the new year.

He is becoming more secretive, goes off to make phone calls, has nothing to do with me/us in any real sense, just going through the motions. But also not making any headway moving out. He has admitted to an EA with a colleague, and paying for sex. But only twice in our entire relationship, and he used condoms. So that's ok then. And besides, 'all men do it.'

Tonight I rifled through his pockets and found three blister packs of Viagra. In tact.

I guess him having sex elsewhere isn't anything to do with me is it? But what it is is that it just hurts so fucking much that he can walk away from us, be planning to have sex, and not be sorry, not a glimmer of remorse. Just moving on.

It's the second time I found it, the first he said it was for me (one had been used) but it was never a discussion we had. He couldn't sustain an erection and I found it too upsetting, thinking it was my fault, that I was so repulsive. This was two years ago and we haven't had sex since (he has, I haven't), recently he told me it was because I would come onto him like 'queen ape, demanding sex' whereas I would cry afterwards because I felt to awful.

I don't really know why I am posting to be honest. I don't understand how he can't be devastated, sorry, remorseful. No, he is planning his next shag. He told me it's 'just the way he is wired'. He doesn't want to stop 'being a player'.

He's a middle-aged man, in his 50s. Without a fucking clue what is important in life. I'm in shock and disbelief.

Told him I couldn't live like this and he needs to go. He is angry and has refused. Threatening me with lawyers.

How do I get him out?

Threatening you? What a joke. See a solicitor next week and get the ball rolling. Don't waste energy on him. Ignore the fucker.

Sorry you already have !

Joint home. You can't make him with any ease. Fortunately he sounds utterly fucking deluded about his "playa" status so may be keen to find his own pad to bring his harem back to.

A man who needs medication to sustain an erection (and no judging, it happens a lot but.....) is not going to be the player he thinks he is.

Presumably the women he has set his sights on are young sylph like hotties who will stroke his ego spend his money and convince him that he is 25 again.....except that 25 year olds will not be interested in a man who needs an couple of hours notice to be ready for sex. A woman who would be understanding about such things would be older, more patient, would understand that sex isnt everything....oh, so that would be you then?!

I actually cant wait for you to get to the summer when he is living his "playboy" lifestyle and you are well shot of him. Believe me, by this time next year he will be begging to come home when he looks in the mirror and finally sees the truth....a saggy middle aged man who is considered a joke by his desired demographic and a sad twat by everyone else.

I think what makes him attractive is he is important in his industry and has a lot of younger women looking up to him. It keeps his ego stoked, and allows him to remain arrogant and feeds his narcissism.

He kicked off several times last night. I slept with the light on, but he doesn't hurt me, just gets in my face. I don't allow him to intimidate me and I don't cry in front of him.

He picks apart everything I say, trying to create an argument out of nothing because he has nothing on me, I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not perfect, but I haven't actually done anything wrong. I've forsaken all others, I've looked after the kids, I've stayed at home while he works so he can have it all. He's calling me a stupid, repulsive, fat bitch. He is full of malicious venom. He knows I have it all and he has nothing. He earns loads, but doesn't share it. He has a family and a nice home because that's what I do. Nice house (apparently I'm a gold digger, oh yes, that's me. if I was I'd turn a blind eye surely?) which he tells me he is going to keep and hire a housekeeper to look after the kids. He is taking me to court and keeping it all.

He is pathetic, and I think he knows it.

Very predictable.

Ignore his ridiculous posturing and just serve the divorce papers

He will not keep the house, you will at least until the kids are out of ft education

You know all this though, so there is no reason now for you to not just forge ahead

Call your solicitor today and start telling people what is happening

Who cares about xmas....it's just one day and you and the kids will have the rest of your lives without this prick in your faces

I'm not sure how to.

We are due back at the mediators in January.

Well, it's up to you but keeping his dirty secrets for him and meekly standing by while he does what the fuck he likes hasn't worked for you so far

I mean practically. What do I do? We're in the mediation process, I need to nail down figures. He hasn't done his bit of disclosure. I know how much I want, but want the mediator to do it as he won't listen to me.

He's off to see his family this morning. Mine know. My friends are mothers of DDs friends so I'm keeping it fairly quiet so as not to have any leaks.

How old are the kids?

Between 7 and 13

I would have though mediation will only work with someone who is willing to listen and compromise.

Personally I would tell everyone ASAP and go to a solicitor and file for divorce on grounds of infidelity/unreasonable behaviour.

What you are doing now isn't working and is unlikely to.

You need to get on with it.

Agreed.

Mediation won't work with this dude....it's no coincidence he's not done his disclosure yet.

I'm sure you will be asking for a fair deal so just do it through solicitors.

He will consistently say "let's go to court" in very aggressive tone to unsettle you "because you'll get nothing in court", then last minute he'll just agree to your fair proposal.

I will repeat, mediation is a waste of time with this type of person. Best case, you won't get a fair deal but will be rid of him.

The only thing I can say is not to be intimidated by his idle threats, e.g. Housekeeper and custody. It's bollocks.

He sounds repulsive btw. The kind of guy most women actually laugh at.

Just angry at him now. He told his family his version. The one where we don't love each other, sleep in separate rooms, don't have sex and our relationship is a disaster. That we have grown apart, and fallen out of love.

Not the version of the blow job in the park, the opportunistic texting, the prostitutes, the emotion affairs (at least) with women at work, the sniffing around, chasing other women. The shaking like a shitting dog when I came up behind him and asked who he was texting.

The reason we stopped sleeping together was his snoring, and a large number of small children in a short space of time. We stopped having sex because he wouldn't get the blue pills for his ED, and he made it my fault, that and the opportunistic sex. The sniffing around and flirting, two prostitutes. But only two, in 7 years, and he was faithful before that. There is nothing wrong with paying for sex.

In fact that last sentence is a deal breaker in itself.

And he's planning to fuck someone tomorrow I'm sure. That's why I flushed the Viagra. He was furious and demanded it back. He had it because he (and I quote) "is preparing for the future". Please. Stop laughing.

Quite the joker isn't he

I think I would be putting his family right.

Sorry OP, he sounds absolutely vile, he could easily have fucked off and rented a room somewhere, it doesn't need to be a flat. Him staying there is sending you cookoo, he needs to go!

You could probably talk for days about the misjustice of what he has done to you, he isn't the man you fell in love with, he's not the same anymore, this is a man who is selfish, thinks all men visit prostitutes and everything is your fault. Believe it or not but give it six months once he goes and you will be amazed at how much lighter you feel, and happier! Stop hiding his secret, get it out there, it's over.

Lovey, I think you showed him he still can get to you when you stole his SoftDick pills from his pocket. Just stay right away from him, and right away from his sleazy "sex" life. Nothing to do with you any more...you are not jealous or angry or remotely interested in it at all. Right ?

I feel very strongly that I want to know the truth. What he is up to, who with, what he is planning. I want to fucking know why he has sloped off on his own with a houseful of kids, who he is texting.

I WILL NOT SNOOP AND I WILL NOT STOOP. But I am angry and deceived and it is HARD.

I am burning with bitterness and hate right now.

Yes. He got to me. And all he can do is shout at me "why did you go through my pockets? WHY?" So I have given him the control and it's all about what I've done to him.

I could scream. Inside I am.

I am not dismissing your feelings at all (they are totally understandable) but you know you won't move on while you still hate him, don't you

Hate is not the opposite of love. You need to move to a place of indifference and I don't think that is going to happen while you are under the same roof and he is able to enjoy rubbing your nose in his seedy exploits.

I reckon the SoftDick pills were planed in his pocket because he knows you rifle through them

You know he is an arsehole. This is not under dispute. What more do you need to actually witness...his floppy balls deep in some other poor cow ?

*planted