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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling sad

61 replies

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 18:31

Hi ladies.

I've named changed as I'm a regular poster and feel uncomfortable with revealing my true identity.

I'm 29, DH is 30 and we've been together 11 years, married for 3. 2 kids aged 6 years and 4 months.

Being teenagers when we got together things were great, lots of time to dedicated to eachother etc. I spent 3 years at uni and was totally faithful to him then (and always have been).

I had quite bad PND after our eldest was born, and he didn't understand really and kept saying things like "buck your ideas up" etc. He went out drinking lots and used to get so drunk that he would vomit everywhere and call me names like slut and has even called me a f*cking bitch in front of the kids.

Last year I had late miscarriage at 16 weeks and was depressed for some time afterwards, until I got pregnant with my daughter 6 months later. He kept saying it was ridiculous grieving so hard over someone I've never known!!! He didn't even come to hospital with me for any of it as he had important meetings at work, even though they said he could have the time off as compassionate leave.

I had a hard delivery with DD, 37 hour labour, failed forceps and emergency c section, blood transfusion then I've had mastitis twice and had to give up breastfeeding due to it being so hard. He turned round and said "I'm not surprised you couldn't breastfeed seeing as you couldn't give birth properly" (both kids were emergency c sections, eldest born at 31 weeks due to pre eclampsia).

He's now accusing me of having an affair as we've not been intimate since I got pregnant with DD, but I had a hard pregnancy and delivery so have no inclination towards it.

He also keeps slagging me off for never having had a full time job, even though I've always had a part time job.

He's called me fat and ugly and told me id be alone forever if I "lost" him.

I've asked him to go to relationship counselling but he wont. When I end up crying about it he always then hugs me and says he loves me and is sorry, and for a week or so things are good but it's not long before it happens again.

I'm now dreading whenever he goes out with his friends because of how drunk he may be, end up doing all house work and all homework as he does nothing and he expects me to pay for all the food, home insurance, tv license, gas and electric on a meagre £500 a month as he gets all the child benefit and tax credits, and when I go back to work I apparently have to pay nursery too!

I'm not beginning to think this is emotional abuse :-( but leaving would be bloody hard as we have a joint mortgage, he couldn't afford to pay for the house for me and the kids to stay and I couldn't afford to pay it alone either. I'm scared about what happens next. I'm scared to leave incase it's the wrong choice but can't imagine spending the rest of my life being treated like this

OP posts:

grumpyoldgitagain · 16/12/2014 18:35

Leaving has got to be a better choice than staying in an abusive relationship

He sounds like a right twat

grumpyoldgitagain · 16/12/2014 18:36

Can you get the child benefits and tax credits changed and paid to you ?

Just lie and tell him they have stopped, start stashing a little away ready to leave

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 18:41

How do I do that? Can I just call them? Will they do it without his permission? Thanks

OP posts:

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 18:45

It is emotional and financial abuse. Yes to getting them paid direct to you and also speak to Women's Aid. Surely you can't stay with such an awful man.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 18:48

I've tried talking to him for this before. Convo goes like this:
Me: are you happy? Do you still want to be together?
Him: do you?!

And so on it goes. Part of me is thinking he's asking if I want a divorce/ if I'm cheating because he actually is and he's too spineless to admit it himself and wants me to be the bad guy by calling it....

OP posts:

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 18:50

Doesn't really matter who calls it though? Do you want your children to learn this is the way you speak to a woman? Do you want your daughter's husband to call her those names or your son to abuse his wife in this way? He couldn't even support you through a miscarriage - in what way would that ever be acceptable?

Pagwatch · 16/12/2014 18:56

Speak to women's aid or post again with 'how do I leave - advice re benefits/tax credits' in the title.

When he says 'do you' in response to your 'do you want to stay together' , what do you say?

Is it faffy or is it 'well no not really when you kep calling me foul names in from of our children. It's a horrible thing to teach them isn't it?

What is stopping you from saying that. The child benefits are for your dc so he can't keep them if you split.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 18:58

I've realised by typing this that I've probably not been in love with him for some time.

He said I was embarrassing during labour as I was swearing and crying. What the actual fuck? This is a toxic relationship and is wearing away at my self confidence and something's got to give!

It's so hard though, I feel like a failure :-(

OP posts:

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 18:59

No you aren't - but he has ground you down for so many years to feel like a failure so you won't have the nerve to dump him.

NorthLDNgal · 16/12/2014 18:59

Did he show signs of hhis behaviour before you had your kids? He is abusive and insecure and pulling you down. If he refuses to change or go to counselling make a plan to get out. Good luck.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 19:02

No, he wasn't like this before we had kids. Our eldest was unplanned and stopped him doing a career he really wanted (can't really go into it, confidentiality and legality) and although he's an amazing father to the kids, I feel he somewhat hates me for stopping him by not having an abortion x

OP posts:

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 19:14

He sounds very cold. And definitely abusive - emotionally and financially abusive.

You CAN manage alone. How he manages is up to him. Try Women's Aid or CAB for advice on benefits you can claim when you leave him. CAB often do drop in advice sessions at Children's Centres.

Child Benefit should be paid to the resident parent if a couple splits, so that should be easy to change when the time comes.

When you do split from him (which you must) you will be making a new claim for Tax Credits in your name, so you don't need to do anything with his claim / payment.

The house you jointly own. If you decide to stay there, you might be entitled get some help with paying the mortgage interest from Housing Benefit. Your H will have to pay you maintenance which might help you make up the rest. However, if neither of you can afford to live there you may ultimately have to sell the house. It doesn't matter. It's only bricks and mortar. Being safe, free and happy is far far more important.

If he refuses to leave, you may have to move yourself. I did this. It wasn't easy but the DC took it well and settled into our new situation very quickly.

You and your children deserve far far better than this.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 19:20

If he refuses to leave, will I get housing benefit on a rental property seeing as I'm on a mortgage? x

OP posts:

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 19:21

Yes you will. That is my exact situation.

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 19:24

Housing Benefit used to give you 26 weeks of payment on a rental before asking you to either be removed from your mortgage or have the property up for sale. They recently changed it so you can receive it indefinitely.

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 19:26

If you have a lot of equity in your house they will take that into account in their calculations - it counts as savings.

Quitelikely · 16/12/2014 19:29

If you work part time you will have your wages, you will get more tax credits as your income will have dropped, you will also get maintenance plus help with childcare costs, child benefit, free school meals

Private renting can be quite high anyway, can I ask approximately what your mortgage is per month?

Also you will get reduced council tax too

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 19:31

I think it's about 550 a month x

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 16/12/2014 19:35

I left my house with my sons and got housing benefit. Please please leave this horrible nasty man and enjoy your freedom and your children in peace.
When I left and managed my own money I couldn't believe how well off I was. And yet I just have tax credits and child benefit. It was the useless, money squandering twat I lost and thank god I did.

Quitelikely · 16/12/2014 19:42

Ok OP so with all of your income you might be able to cover it. If you google 'child tax credit earning thresholds' it tells you how much you will get as a single mum of two according to what you earn. And remember he has to pay roughly 20 percent (I think) of his salary to you as maintenance (or it might be 15 percent) so you could put that towards the mortgage.

Don't think you are trapped with this man. There are online calculators that could tell you what you would get.

All that aside, this isn't a healthy relationship, I know you wish it was but you will never be able to change him only he can do that. I do suspect he had simmering resentment towards you regarding his career that he didn't get to pursue.

Don't waste your life being unhappy.

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 20:09

You won't get free school meals claiming working tax credits. Go to the website entitled to and you can work out how much working and child tax credits you are entitled to.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 16/12/2014 20:25

He's a fucking horrible abusive cunt. Please dump him. You need to get some welfare benefits advice, I think if you move out you can get housing benefit for a set period while the house is sold but you can't get it to pay the mortgage if you stay in it.
Whatever the financials, you must leave.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 20:35

Does it sound horribly skanky to say if/when I leave him I probably won't go back to work after my maternity leave ends?! It would be easier not to as I work nights and there is no way to change my shifts x

OP posts:

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 20:55

I don't think it sounds skanky. Others may disagree with me. But is there a way you could get your shifts changed to daytime? Or change jobs? You will need to build a decent future for you and your DC.

Original poster

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 20:58

I could, but it would mean him having the kids more than I would like him to as the only other way would be 6am starts and I would have to do 3 a week which would mean him having them 3 nights a weeks. It's all so stressful and confusing and I feel like such a mess :-(

OP posts:

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