Feeling sad

[WorrisomeMummy]

Hi ladies.

I've named changed as I'm a regular poster and feel uncomfortable with revealing my true identity.

I'm 29, DH is 30 and we've been together 11 years, married for 3. 2 kids aged 6 years and 4 months.

Being teenagers when we got together things were great, lots of time to dedicated to eachother etc. I spent 3 years at uni and was totally faithful to him then (and always have been).

I had quite bad PND after our eldest was born, and he didn't understand really and kept saying things like "buck your ideas up" etc. He went out drinking lots and used to get so drunk that he would vomit everywhere and call me names like slut and has even called me a f*cking bitch in front of the kids.

Last year I had late miscarriage at 16 weeks and was depressed for some time afterwards, until I got pregnant with my daughter 6 months later. He kept saying it was ridiculous grieving so hard over someone I've never known!!! He didn't even come to hospital with me for any of it as he had important meetings at work, even though they said he could have the time off as compassionate leave.

I had a hard delivery with DD, 37 hour labour, failed forceps and emergency c section, blood transfusion then I've had mastitis twice and had to give up breastfeeding due to it being so hard. He turned round and said "I'm not surprised you couldn't breastfeed seeing as you couldn't give birth properly" (both kids were emergency c sections, eldest born at 31 weeks due to pre eclampsia).

He's now accusing me of having an affair as we've not been intimate since I got pregnant with DD, but I had a hard pregnancy and delivery so have no inclination towards it.

He also keeps slagging me off for never having had a full time job, even though I've always had a part time job.

He's called me fat and ugly and told me id be alone forever if I "lost" him.

I've asked him to go to relationship counselling but he wont. When I end up crying about it he always then hugs me and says he loves me and is sorry, and for a week or so things are good but it's not long before it happens again.

I'm now dreading whenever he goes out with his friends because of how drunk he may be, end up doing all house work and all homework as he does nothing and he expects me to pay for all the food, home insurance, tv license, gas and electric on a meagre £500 a month as he gets all the child benefit and tax credits, and when I go back to work I apparently have to pay nursery too!

I'm not beginning to think this is emotional abuse :-( but leaving would be bloody hard as we have a joint mortgage, he couldn't afford to pay for the house for me and the kids to stay and I couldn't afford to pay it alone either. I'm scared about what happens next. I'm scared to leave incase it's the wrong choice but can't imagine spending the rest of my life being treated like this

Totally agree. He is not a great dad.

I guess not. But he adores the children which is one thing. I do wonder sometimes if he would be so adoring if we split.

Infact, he's asked me several times over the years in a "jokey" way if they are his. Bloody yes. I lost my virginity to him so end of discussion.

He has also recently started to say "don't take them away from me". Nervous much that I'll kick him out?! x

Your kids are little. They will be fine and if you stay, I don't know that you will be. Get out now. Or, actually, get him out, so you and the kids can stay put for the time being at least. Happy to hand- hold - you can do this !

Haha. I just have to add DS is up there in his room giving him hell about the sick on the mattress and saying he's a bad daddy. That will hit him where it hurts as maintains he's a great dad (which he is) x

That is all kinds of wrong. Your son has seen the puke and knows he was wasted; your son is berating him for being a bad dad; you think this is funny; you still think he's a good dad. Awful, all of it.

jinglehisballs actually if you read my post properly, DS slept through it all last night, went up there to get dressed and saw sick on the bed. He then told him off for this. He doesn't know daddy was drunk, I wouldn't tell him that!!!

And yes, he is a great dad to the kids, amazing with them, it's just me he treats like shit!

And what state is daddy in now? You're kidding yourself, sorry

A man who treats the mother of his children appallingly is not a great dad at all. He is showing and teaching them how to treat their future partners - not nice at all really.

How can you say he is an 'amazing' father when he has vomited all over his child's bed? He is a poor excuse for a father and he should be ashamed of himself. I feel sorry for your little boy. He might not understand his father was drunk but he knows something is wrong to call him 'bad daddy.' However hard this is, you need to end it and start afresh.

I can't begin to describe how bloody stupid 'he is a great father, it's just me he treats like shit' is

How cn you type that and not recognise that it is impossible to be a great father while being a drunken shit to that child's mother?
A father is not just supposed to dote on their child. That's a fucking given - if they don't even dote on their kids then they are just pond life. One step up from pond life is not a brilliant dad.

A father is supposed to create a safe home. They are supposed to make a child feel that where they live is filled with strength and warmth and love. They should feel protected - safe in the knowledge that their parents are rational, careful, kind and considerate to them and to each other.
A child what a relationship looks like by watching their parents. Boys learn how to treat women. Girls learn how a relationship woks, what to look for in a partners. They learn about how to treat their future partners, what to expect, what love feels like and looks like.

Now tell me he is a great dad again.

He is not a good Dad. He is not a good partner. He is a nasty, drunken drain on you and the DC. Raise your standards, you deserve better, truly. I grew up with a good Dad and he would no sooner puke on my bed and say nasty shit to my mum than fly to the moon. This man is not good enough.

pagwatch 'A father is supposed to create a safe home. They are supposed to make a child feel that where they live is filled with strength and warmth and love. They should feel protected - safe in the knowledge that their parents are rational, careful, kind and considerate to them and to each other.
A child what a relationship looks like by watching their parents. Boys learn how to treat women. Girls learn how a relationship woks, what to look for in a partners. They learn about how to treat their future partners, what to expect, what love feels like and looks like.'

That is so true and what we should all aim for. My DCs father sadly did not fulfill this role but I am lucky my own father did and was an excellent role model for them. I want to save this quote and give it to my DS and DDs future husband I realise I am at risk of being a nutty mother-in-law it is so incredibly true though and sadly in my experience incredibly rare to find someone who upholds those values. No child deserves less than parents who do their best to model a respectful relationship.