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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sad

61 replies

WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 18:31

Hi ladies.

I've named changed as I'm a regular poster and feel uncomfortable with revealing my true identity.

I'm 29, DH is 30 and we've been together 11 years, married for 3. 2 kids aged 6 years and 4 months.

Being teenagers when we got together things were great, lots of time to dedicated to eachother etc. I spent 3 years at uni and was totally faithful to him then (and always have been).

I had quite bad PND after our eldest was born, and he didn't understand really and kept saying things like "buck your ideas up" etc. He went out drinking lots and used to get so drunk that he would vomit everywhere and call me names like slut and has even called me a f*cking bitch in front of the kids.

Last year I had late miscarriage at 16 weeks and was depressed for some time afterwards, until I got pregnant with my daughter 6 months later. He kept saying it was ridiculous grieving so hard over someone I've never known!!! He didn't even come to hospital with me for any of it as he had important meetings at work, even though they said he could have the time off as compassionate leave.

I had a hard delivery with DD, 37 hour labour, failed forceps and emergency c section, blood transfusion then I've had mastitis twice and had to give up breastfeeding due to it being so hard. He turned round and said "I'm not surprised you couldn't breastfeed seeing as you couldn't give birth properly" (both kids were emergency c sections, eldest born at 31 weeks due to pre eclampsia).

He's now accusing me of having an affair as we've not been intimate since I got pregnant with DD, but I had a hard pregnancy and delivery so have no inclination towards it.

He also keeps slagging me off for never having had a full time job, even though I've always had a part time job.

He's called me fat and ugly and told me id be alone forever if I "lost" him.

I've asked him to go to relationship counselling but he wont. When I end up crying about it he always then hugs me and says he loves me and is sorry, and for a week or so things are good but it's not long before it happens again.

I'm now dreading whenever he goes out with his friends because of how drunk he may be, end up doing all house work and all homework as he does nothing and he expects me to pay for all the food, home insurance, tv license, gas and electric on a meagre £500 a month as he gets all the child benefit and tax credits, and when I go back to work I apparently have to pay nursery too!

I'm not beginning to think this is emotional abuse :-( but leaving would be bloody hard as we have a joint mortgage, he couldn't afford to pay for the house for me and the kids to stay and I couldn't afford to pay it alone either. I'm scared about what happens next. I'm scared to leave incase it's the wrong choice but can't imagine spending the rest of my life being treated like this

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 16/12/2014 21:00

Look for other work eg school stuff. I know it's either said than done but it's flexible.

SomethingOnce · 16/12/2014 21:08

What do you mean by skanky? I'm not sure I understand.

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 21:10

I don't either - are you saying a mother who doesn't work is skanky?

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 16/12/2014 21:36

I'm not saying it's skanky. I've friends who don't work who have kids and I've nothing against it. But I'm concerned it may be perceived that way as you hear people slagging off people living on benefits etc. I've nothing against mums who don't work as they are working in my opinion, having kids is a full time job x

OP posts:
SomethingOnceInRoyalDavidsCity · 16/12/2014 21:43

I'm only one person but, speaking as a taxpayer, you're more than welcome to my share of whatever support you might receive until you're back on your feet, away from this horrible man.

Do what you need to do, ASAP.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 23:00

Don't worry about what anyone 'might think'. You need to make a safe home for yourself and your children and if that means not working for a while, so be it.

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 07:17

Thanks everyone. I feel better just talking about it. I'm going to wait till after Christmas now before dropping the bomb for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 17/12/2014 07:31

Don't be silly. I'm sure when your kids are older you will work for many years and pay in £££££ not to mention the non monetary contribution of raising contributing members of society.
Benefits are there so that people who need them, such as mothers of small children in abusive relationships, can survive without having to put up with horrible conditions just to put a roof over their heads.

CogitOIOIO · 17/12/2014 07:44

The whole point of the benefits system is that it's there as a safety net for people who are unable to earn enough to live on. For most able bodied people it's a temporary thing bridging the gap until they can get back into employment or an increase their income. Some abuse the system but don't judge yourself by those standards.

But that's a minor concern when set against living in a horribly abusive relationship and having children subjected to the fear and distress he creates. There are agencies that can help you today. Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for example can point you in the right direction, and you should also seek legal and practical advice from CAB or a solicitor.

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 08:17

I'm also going to see if I'm entitled to local authority housing. May be easier than renting as houses that accept LHA are few and far between around here x

OP posts:
Twinklebells · 17/12/2014 08:41

To get local authority housing you may need to be homeless so I wouldn't count on being entitled.

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 12:35

To add another string to the bow, a friend who I've just confided in saw him in town on Friday evening with a woman. Just drinking. But he told me he was on a works do......

Bastard!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 17/12/2014 12:42

You are wasting your life with this man. Why bother?

No doubt he will say his work colleagues were at the bar etc

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 12:44

I know. I'm confronting him tonight now. Bugger Christmas. Why should Iet him be happy and me miserable?! This is scary now! But at 29 I've got all my life left and can't do this anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 18:52

So, it's all in my head aparently.
Making plans in my head to see Christmas out for my kids. Then seeking help etc to leave. As we've a joint mortgage can he refuse it's sale?

OP posts:
Twinklebells · 17/12/2014 18:58

Can you get the benefits transferred to you now?

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 17/12/2014 19:00

I'm calling them tomorrow when I've taken DS to school. He's still awake and will tell daddy when he gets in (he's gone out again)

OP posts:
Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 20/12/2014 01:35

Further update.....

He's a scumbag. Well and truly. He was having an aparent "second" work party tonight. This time for his department instead of the whole company that he said happened last week (the occasion where my friend saw him drinking alone with some woman).
I went into town this morning to get some wrapping paper for his christmas present from the kids and I saw one of his work colleagues and stopped and chatted as we usually do. I said something along the lines of whether she could handle a second Christmas party and she looked at me quizzically and said it's their first one!

Confirms my suspiciousness, he's playing away or very soon will be.

To add more insult to the injury, every Christmas party he gets in a right state and ends up vomiting all over the house and calling me all sorts of names. Every year on the party. Last year I told him if he came home in that state again if was over.

Guess what?! He's gone and got in that state again, bathroom decorated in sick and just went to check on him as he's asleep in eldest DC bed (who's in with me) and he's been sick in his sleep all over the bed. He will have to buy a new mattress tomorrow as well as realise I meant what I said last year about what would happen if he got in that state again :-(

Just need hand holding really. I can't believe after all this time it's come to this :-(

OP posts:
maras2 · 20/12/2014 06:41

Make sure that he cleans it up himself,the dirty pig.Now carry on making plans to LTB.Best of luck. Mx.

Rebecca2014 · 20/12/2014 06:53

Why did you get pregnant again when he was verbally and financially abusive?

You will be financially and emotionaly better off without him. But it's your choice to make, one day he will properly leave you anyway as he has such little respect for you. Don't waste any more.

GoldfishCrackers · 20/12/2014 07:25

Your first para's not helpful, Rebecca.

Oh FeelingSad he's a nasty bastard. What a way to live. He's financially, emotionally and verbally abusive. Use this time to Contact women's aid, CAB, the housing people. If you're thinking LAH, tell the housing dept that you're leaving due to abuse. Some LAs are joined up about this and have specific help for people in your situation.
He's nasty so be wary of an increase in abuse when he realises his control is slipping.
Long term,consider the freedom Programme, and read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft.

Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 20/12/2014 08:40

Thanks for the advice ladies.

Rebecca in response to the question why did I get pregnant again. Unless you've experience the trauma of a miscarriage at 16 weeks, where you have to give birth to your baby but know you won't be bringing it home, you will never know the compulsion or need to be pregnant again. I knew I'd never be happy again unless I had another baby!!

Yep, going to use this time to find out where ands what help I can get. It's so sad :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
WorrisomeMummy · 20/12/2014 08:48

Haha. I just have to add DS is up there in his room giving him hell about the sick on the mattress and saying he's a bad daddy. That will hit him where it hurts as maintains he's a great dad (which he is) x

OP posts:
mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 20/12/2014 08:51

Be strong, the best years of you life are ahead of you.

GoldfishCrackers · 20/12/2014 08:56

OP have a good think about what makes a good dad. Has he been supporting you emotionally and practically to allow you to give the best care to your DC? Has he been showing them a good blueprint for living respectful relationships? Has his behaviour created harmony and a loving atmosphere in the house? Has he modelled respectful language in front of them? Has he made them feel secure, safe, unafraid?

I think he sounds like a terrible father. Can you imagine how a small child feels witnessing their father call their mother a fucking slut/butch? Vomiting all over their bed? Seeing their mother totally drained and ground down?