husband has asked for a split - what should I do?

[dazedandconfused1980]

Sorry for the v.long post (I don’t want to drip feed) but I am in quite a horrible place at the moment and I can’t work out what is going on.

My dh of 5 years (together for 10), snapped at me, then left the house, on 29th November. I went to my mum’s the following day and I haven’t seen him since (have spoken civilly and texted however). I felt we both needed space to process all the things that have happened over the past 10 years (and this year in particular). These include:

• trying for a baby for one year without success.
• me getting into debt spending on alternative therapies/counselling etc.
• Dh’s book deal (his life’s ambition) falling through.
• Me becoming very depressed and being off work for 3 months.

My depression/debt/trying for a child has been key I believe and I am still trying to work out how it all came about/unravelled.

The backstory is that my dh (who is 53) has been very reluctant to have a child, even though when I was 25 (10 years ago), I gave him ‘5 years notice’. I thought that would be enough time for him to ‘come round to the idea’. I brought the subject up several times over the years and he sort of ‘acquiesed’, and we got married in 2010.

In June 2013 we started ‘trying’ and I was very excited. I thought I had done all the hard work (i.e. persuading him) and it was time now for us to go on this adventure together. But month after month it didn’t happen. I suppose I was very naïve about conception, I had no idea how hard it could be. I then fell into a deep depression and recovered, with my Dh’s support, over the course of this year and I am now back at work.

I thought things were getting better in my life but after he snapped he said that he wanted to split with me and he said that “the time for words and feelings is over, I want action’. This confused my because we barely speak about ‘meaningful’ things. For example:

• I thought that he was still reeling from his book deal falling through last year, but now he says he’s fine – it seems like he spent most of this year not speaking and doing diy and now he is feeling more positive. All this has happened and we have not really spoken about the transition.
• He has now said that he won’t speak to me about having a child because he is only doing it out of duty and he will go along with the mechanics of it but doesn’t think he can give me any emotional support along the way. He says he has never had a baby and so can’t relate to it – and I should talk to my female friends – although he believes that he will be a good, responsible father should a dc come along.

I just feel so alone and confused as he has also said a few other things to me that were hurtful – e.g. I start projects and don’t finish them (e.g. I come up with ideas for short stories but don’t write them), and he also said that it annoys him when I speak as I don’t pronounce all my t’s (!!).

Now, I am trying to take back control because I feel that he has been calling the shots for a long time but I really am now at a loss for what to do next. He is going to email me on Friday 19th with some information about what is feelings/views are and I am going to respond. But I have no idea what he is going to say.

My mum says that, at 34, I should cut my losses with him and move on. But I still love him/like him, and feel that maybe I have brought this all upon myself by being too needy/insecure and not understanding that men’s ways of communicating and different to women’s…?

Any advice welcomed please, particularly before he emails me on Friday….

I hope that you have a great Christmas with your family.

He treats you like a child and always has, making you wait for him to decide when to tell you how he feels and so on, and telling you in a pompous way.

The idea of needing to become a success before having children as an academic is one that sadly could be said to apply to women in academia, but certainly not men - Dh has 2 children (with me!) and hasn't even submitted his PhD yet. I know plenty of other scademics with positively hordes of children by their 40's who are doing great things now. PhD!

Shit. Sorry about the triumphant PhD there - I can't see or edit the bottom line of text posting on my phone.

If your Dh is an academic in a university and the book he spent 8 years on and prioritised over all else just got rejected for publication then he has had a HUGE blow to his ego & the way he has carried on this far towards you will get worse, not better, I think.

I second the lawyer advice from everyone else - I think it's safe to say you will be able to stay in your home, but he will try to undermine you at every turn so minimise contact.

You weren't his student by any chance?

Get legal advice - and get it now (or after Christmas I suppose) before you engage further with him.

I came on to post 'do not have a child with this man' - having a child will put pressure and can strain the best and most harmonious of relationships, never mind one with existing problems.

Your Christmas plans sound lovely and hopefully will give you some peace and distance (physically and emotionally) from your marital situation.

Don't agree to anything until you have legal advice.

Oh dear, he does sound like a self-absorbed prick. You sound intelligent and lovely. I suspect it isn't coincidence that he's thrown in the towel just before your IVF starts either.

You need to a) get an appointment to see a solicitor and b) enjoy Christmas.

I suspect you won't be able to divorce amicably as he is so self-centred he'll be annoyed that you don't just roll over and agree with him. He is also likely to find it difficult to view the marital assets (all the properties, not just the one's in joint names) as shared rather than his. You are likely to be in for a tough time.

Whether you can stay friends with his mum and niece only time will tell - most mums, even when their sons are being utter shits, will ultimately side with the son and the friendship will be over. However some will separate the two ie the friendship is between you and her, the divorce is between him and you and so the friendship can continue.

Just take one step at a time.

thanks everyone so much - the support/input is invaluable. I am phoning a solicitor tomorrow and have decided that I am going to keep communication to a minimum until I feel stronger.

went to see the film 'nativity' last night at the rural cinema and had a wee cry. but I took my dog two hour walk along the beach today, bought a second hand keyboard for 12.50 from the charity shop (I am going to start playing again), and have put my name down for a few hours at the local island foodbank. It is quite weird to have a sense of freedom and not having to justify everything.

I am scared of what any 'negotiations' might entail so for now I am going to try and enjoy xmas and new year and the calm before the proverbial storm.

thanks again for now x

notyou that would perhaps a freudian typo. I would want a exclamation mark to announce my achievement. J only have a PgCert (but am quite proud of it).

You sound happier already:)
Would you stay with your dm whilst you get the divorce through? If the flat is in both your names he can come and go and make your life a misery. Plus you will have your dm for support. Support is essential, and your dm sounds lovely and totally on your side.

Do not make any financial agreements with him on email or suggestions AT ALL, even verbally. Say " I'll pass it on to my solicitor for consideration"

He wil try to get you to agree to lots of things that suit him. Ignore him. If you feel yourself wavering and thinking you'll agree to anything just to get a divorce remember he has dicked you about for years. You could have been with someone nice who wanted children, didn't make you depressed and treated you like a grown up.

And enjoy christmas:)

Hi all, I am so upset. I have been back at the flat a few times and we have been exchanging texts etc. I have sleeping in the livingroom but we have remained civil. Tonight we had 'the chat' and he said that he feels numb/neutral. He stills says the his number one priority is his book. So that is that. At the end of a very long chat I said I will need my own room then if we are going or separate ways. I suggested having the livingroom because I have friends and family round more often, but he said 'no-way' because he has paid more into the house than me!! I even suggested tossing a coin out of fairness but he was having none of it. what a b*stard. Is this how men think??

I am going to call my solicitor definitely Monday. But I have no idea what's ahead. How can we survive over the next few months under the same roof?

Also, my dsis told me she is pregnant with her second baby today. Which is great of course, but what timing...

Doesn't matter who put the most in, you have a marriage of 5 years you should get a 50/50 split. He's being an arse and showing his true colours now!

what a bstard. Is this how men think?*

No it's how bastards think. He's going to get a shock when it comes to the divorce.

Is he going to have the living room and you have the bedroom?

Btw he reminds me of Dr Casaubon with his dusty book obsession 'going nowhither'

Thanks Random he is still. being 'friendly' and asked for a hug. What is going? How long does he need to work out where he stands vis a vis me?

Twinkle I haven't heard of that character but will def look it up.

Yes, he wants the livingroom as it is bigger.

You need to totally disconnect - no hugs in particular! Did you get the bedroom?

He knows perfectly well where he stands - in a position where he still considers himself the boss and you as an unsatisfactory employee/naughty child. He's going to try 'being nice' for a while and then alternate it with nastiness so as to confuse you and (he hopes) weaken you so you accept your punishment and leave with nothing.
Be civil to him, tell him nothing about your plans but get your legal advice, etc and make sure you know what will happen when you end the marriage, because whatever he says can't be trusted.

Tough, he has told you that his book is more important - he can go hug his manuscript!

Ok - well, you get the comfy bed rather than the sofa then..

But you need to distance yourself - his book is more important!! I mean who says that to their wife?

It's Middlemarch, Dorothea marries the older academic Dr Casaubon because she admires his mind. He is obsessed with finishing his book 'the Key to the Mythologies', which he researches fervently to the exclusion of everything else including his young wife, but never does complete.

You'll have to read it to find out what happens.

Yes I am confused by it all. I think I will need all my wits about me over the coming weeks/months.

Twinkle My mum said she was watching Middlemarch the other day! I need to see/read it.

Will keep you all posted.

I am seeing a counsellor next week. I am concerned a bit because I am not attracted to men my own age? I think this is something I need to look at.

I presume he knows the statistical likelihood of getting a first book published? virtually zero

LISTEN TO YOUR MUM !

clam yes, this time last year he had a book deal with a minor publisher and tiny advance. It all went pear shaped so now he is probably going to self publish. It's been horrible actually. 7 years so far of disappointments for him. I actually feel sorry for him. He has helped a few other people get ahead in their writing (e.g. he passed stories of a friend onto a publisher friend of his) and now the author is on his third novel and has a film being made.

His commitment to the project is unwavering however.

That's kind of irrelevant. Maybe the friend had a novel that was a better fit with what the publishers were looking for.

I think that you have to listen to what he's telling you here. He really doesn't want a baby; nor, it seems, does he want you. He wants his own life, and to concentrate on this writing business. If he wanted to, he could have all three, but he clearly doesn't.

Anyway, this all reminds me of the relationship I was in over 20 years ago, just before dh and I got together. He was 10 years older than I was, so 41 to my 31 and my biological clock was ticking big-time. He had all the same personality traits that you're describing, and I knew deep-down that I was on a hiding to nothing. He's still single and childless now, I believe, and carrying on with all his projects. Wish I'd got out sooner, actually, but it all worked out fine and dandy for me in the end. After all, it's only by kissing a few frogs that you learn to recognise the prince when he turns up!

There is still time for you to have a baby with a man who does want you, and the same things that are important to you. You are one decision away from getting the life you want and deserve.