husband has asked for a split - what should I do?

[dazedandconfused1980]

Sorry for the v.long post (I don’t want to drip feed) but I am in quite a horrible place at the moment and I can’t work out what is going on.

My dh of 5 years (together for 10), snapped at me, then left the house, on 29th November. I went to my mum’s the following day and I haven’t seen him since (have spoken civilly and texted however). I felt we both needed space to process all the things that have happened over the past 10 years (and this year in particular). These include:

• trying for a baby for one year without success.
• me getting into debt spending on alternative therapies/counselling etc.
• Dh’s book deal (his life’s ambition) falling through.
• Me becoming very depressed and being off work for 3 months.

My depression/debt/trying for a child has been key I believe and I am still trying to work out how it all came about/unravelled.

The backstory is that my dh (who is 53) has been very reluctant to have a child, even though when I was 25 (10 years ago), I gave him ‘5 years notice’. I thought that would be enough time for him to ‘come round to the idea’. I brought the subject up several times over the years and he sort of ‘acquiesed’, and we got married in 2010.

In June 2013 we started ‘trying’ and I was very excited. I thought I had done all the hard work (i.e. persuading him) and it was time now for us to go on this adventure together. But month after month it didn’t happen. I suppose I was very naïve about conception, I had no idea how hard it could be. I then fell into a deep depression and recovered, with my Dh’s support, over the course of this year and I am now back at work.

I thought things were getting better in my life but after he snapped he said that he wanted to split with me and he said that “the time for words and feelings is over, I want action’. This confused my because we barely speak about ‘meaningful’ things. For example:

• I thought that he was still reeling from his book deal falling through last year, but now he says he’s fine – it seems like he spent most of this year not speaking and doing diy and now he is feeling more positive. All this has happened and we have not really spoken about the transition.
• He has now said that he won’t speak to me about having a child because he is only doing it out of duty and he will go along with the mechanics of it but doesn’t think he can give me any emotional support along the way. He says he has never had a baby and so can’t relate to it – and I should talk to my female friends – although he believes that he will be a good, responsible father should a dc come along.

I just feel so alone and confused as he has also said a few other things to me that were hurtful – e.g. I start projects and don’t finish them (e.g. I come up with ideas for short stories but don’t write them), and he also said that it annoys him when I speak as I don’t pronounce all my t’s (!!).

Now, I am trying to take back control because I feel that he has been calling the shots for a long time but I really am now at a loss for what to do next. He is going to email me on Friday 19th with some information about what is feelings/views are and I am going to respond. But I have no idea what he is going to say.

My mum says that, at 34, I should cut my losses with him and move on. But I still love him/like him, and feel that maybe I have brought this all upon myself by being too needy/insecure and not understanding that men’s ways of communicating and different to women’s…?

Any advice welcomed please, particularly before he emails me on Friday….

Who cares if he thinks he has moral high ground? Self righteous pillock sending you that email. please do not reply. Who the bloody hell does he think he is sending such a pompous diatribe like you are a naughty child. What an utter tosser.

Got a good solicitor yet?

Yes I would not reply to such bull shit, get a good lawyer.

You are well rid and can now get on with the rest of your life

He's prevaricating. He's a time waster Op. You're fiddling while Rome burns. This 'relationship' is a dead end.

The best thing you can do is ignore his email, ( or reply " noted") go to your mums if you arent already there and prepare to leave him. See a lawyer whilst you're on the island if they have one.

There is no moral high ground really, and who cares really? The marriage isn't working. You tell people what you want if you want to. He doesn't want children and he's quite awful, not discussing things and dragging your life out. And, he should have left you well alone when he met you- goodness you want such different things in life! Spending years discussing his book! What?
I hope you've had a chance to develop a career.

And on this island- go out and chat. Go to everything. Make your dm take you stuff. Say you are separating as your DH messed you about for years and doesn't want kids. Tell the truth. Not his truth. The real one. why not? Blimey, at 35- you can do anything, including meeting someone lovely. I do think you need a bit of fun though. Single with only yourself to think about. What do you like? Do you know?

Moral highground and blame have no relevance whatsoever to the say over your home, UK divorces are no fault.

The marriage pot will be divided up according to the law and your solicitor's negotiations not according to his desires.

It's very telling that your mother sees him as Bounderby, complete with the trophy wife, remember what became of him...

He will no doubt try and make you agree to disadvantageous things, so you're right to avoid him. You need a shithot lawyer as Christmas is over.

^as soon as

Your mum is right and you should move on.

Your DH has always been reluctant to have a child, you say so in your original post - and who can blame him at his age- yet it seems you have held on in the hope he would change his mind. It was always going to come to a head.

I don't think he sounds like a twat, arse or anything else other posters have said. He hasn't said nice things lately, but it's nothing too inflammatory. You're probably right that he has too much control. You probably shouldn't be badgering him into having a baby - he'll be an OAP in a decade! And he probably shouldn't lead you on to believe he may be willing to change stance about a baby. And a fog and a child are completely different.

Your mum sound like she has a steady head on her shoulders and I hope you can get this sorted. It just sounds like your aspirations for the future are completely different, and there's no one person who is at fault here.

thanks all for helping me unpick some of the confusion. the thing is, he always argued that age would make no barrier to him being a good dad, because he said he got on better with his maternal gf than his own df. and his df died before his dgf (at age 59 vs 90) so he probably hopes he has longevity on his side. so all along he has been giving mixed messages (he'll be a good father etc) but when it came to the depression (mine) it was (to me) like I had failed the world's longest 'apprentice' audition
(the 'prize' being a dc with him) and he is alan sugar. and the depression means that I have failed as a potential mother and am effectively 'fired'.

but the hypocrisy is that he was depressed for years (even spoke about committing suicide) and I never once thought that would make him a 'bad parent'. In fact, I thought the experience would perhaps make him a better/more empathic one (or something). but clearly many of my assumptions have been very, very wrong.

You sound like a lovely, intelligent woman. He sounds like a twat to be honest. In a normal relationship you don't wait weeks to discuss things, they get discussed as they arise. Maybe perhaps not going round tescos but waiting until you get home. If you cannot discuss things freely with him then the ivf round is going to be impossible for you. If you cannot discuss things freely with him then do not have a child with him.

His email to you sounds cold and rigid. I wouldn't bother replying. Take back control of your life. See a solicitor, they will advise you on what you should expect to financially get out of a divorce. You can then start planning the rest of your life. Then reply to him a few weeks later giving him your solocitors' details and a few estate agents details. Your flat that you are attached to is only bricks and mortar. When you move into your own space it will be your haven.

Morning op, I agree with pp, you sound intelligent, thoughtful and caring. He sounds selfish, a man disappointed with the way his book turned out, full of self importance.

Get a shit hot lawyer and take every penny that the courts say you are entitled to. He will tell you that you don't deserve the flat etc etc. don't settle for less out of duty, guilt or pressure. Get a recommendation for a good solicitor and take their advice.

Don't bother replying to the email. Forward your solicitors details. I wonder if he believes that if you divorce him, you are not entitled to as much from the divorce?

You are married, get you true entitlement, then move on with your life.

Good luck

XH was older too, and used to treat me like a silly little girl (at nearly 50!). He also told me that as I was the one who wanted out, I had to leave the house but carry on paying the bills. He was wrong.

I always say in situations like this: get proper, informed, legal advice. If there are large and/or complicated assets (sadly not, in my case) get financial advice too. A solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law will be able to tell you what you are really entitled to.

thanks again everyone. at the moment, I can't afford lawyers fees, and I hoped that we could keep things amicable to save on costs etc.

also I am very close to his mum and his 20 year old neice (who I help with as she has mergers and she is also a lovely girl who I love spending time with).

If things get horrible, would I still be able to be friends with them? (I only have a small family myself so this would be important to me).

I was thinking of suggesting that all future discussions should take place with a mediator/relationship counsellor?

I am also thinking that one day I would like to foster/adopt and he will be contacted as a former partner for a reference. I think it would therefore be important for us to keep things on good terms?

Lastly, there is the issue of where I am living. At the moment I am staying at my mum's which is a 3 hour round trip to work and costs over 350 a month. I really want back in my lovely wee flat but how can when he is living there and it would be a horrible atmosphere? (and it is only one-bedroom). I don't think he would leave if I asked him/told him so I feel that I need guidance on this 'negotiation'?

sorry it's so messy - things have been building for a long time.

Citizens Advice? They can give advice which is not legal as such but reasonably informed, and do some good online guides which you can Google. I don't think there is any way you can make your H leave your flat at this point, as it's presumably jointly owned/leased. However, if he wants to avoid you, he might choose to move out (to wherever he went last time?). I thought he asked for a split, so why would he be awkward?

I wouldn't worry too much about the possibility of an unhelpful reference. If agencies only accepted foster carers who didn't have any sour exes they'd have a very small pool to choose from!

*aspergers not mergers

You will not be able to keep things amicable because this man wants to make sure that you leave with next to nothing. He doesn't really care about you at all - your role was always to be a combination of pet, plaything and ego booster and (in his eyes) you have 'failed' by showing that you are a human being with opinions, needs and desires of your own. So he will treat you as though you are a disobedient dog that needs rehoming and rely on his perception of you as stupid and childish in order to rip you off financially.
Like others have said, get a lawyer, get informed of your rights and do not agree to anything without checking and considering it. This man doesn't get to decide what happens whether you like it or not, the law makes provision for fairness when couples split up and he will have to obey the law.

thanks - Annie (and everyone who is/has posted). every single.contribution has been helpful.

I am going to reflect over the next couple of days. merry xmas to me (lol).

actually my best friend has insisted that I spend xmas day with her, her lovely family (dh and 5 kids, and three dogs (one of whom is an 8 week old puppy!). at first I was hesitant, but now I am quite excited about spending the day in a home full of warmth and laughter. And my friend has been amazing this year, I am so lucky to have her.

solid yes part of me thinks he is thinking along those lines too. which is so sad, I thought we were equals, I think we were at the start. But I am saddened by how I have diminished to such an extent (both in reality and in his view of me).

Any solicitors will take their fee from the final settlement. If you are married and there are 3 properties then it may work out for you to keep the small flat. Please see one and get some free advice, but understand that he probably won't be that pleasant.
Also I am sure adoption agencies can see right brought an ex who is bitter that ou left him. If you are open and honest about the reasons for our break up, and the depression ( which is probably more to do with being with him, not uncommon at all) then you have nothing to fear.bmy mums friend had a horrible upbringing and serious depression, and she has successfully just adopted 3 children who she fostered.

nettle that''s lovely for your mum's friend and thanks for your advice re lawyers. I am going to call one on Monday. x

You haven't actually diminished in his view he's simply trying to undermine you.

It's not that you've failed a long audition for motherhood, it's that he never wanted kids and strung you along. Now it's coming to the crunch he's simply changed his get out clause from 'I'm not ready, I don't know' to 'you may get PND'.

He's trying to turn it all round on you so he doesn't look like he arsehole who wasted his wife's fertile years and then opted out of kids altogether.

If he can criticise you and make it about how you have failed that distracts you from the fact he has behaved abominably.

Hi OP,

I'm not brilliant with Dickens but I know a dickhead when I see one, and you've got one right there.

What gives him the right to tell you when you're allowed to discuss things, when you're allowed to have feelings and how you are allowed to discuss them?

It's outrageous. How dare he? What is he? Your Boss? He's treating you like an underperforming employee and he is acting like a total shit.

And it doesn't matter who takes the moral high ground/blame etc. He'll blame you come what may - that doesn't matter, you know who the problem is and it won't give him a greater say over your home just because he can throw more shit around. If you've got more than one property and he ain't happy, tell him he can bloody well move out!

Don't be disappointed, be fucking angry!

He is asking you for a split. Give. It. To. Him.

The upshot is this: 34 is no age. IVF worked for me at 42 and at 43. Find someone who is worth having a baby with. You will never know what is round the corner if you don't ditch this grumpy old git. But you do know what the future holds if you stay with him. You have outlined exactly what sort of 'don't disturb daddy he's in his study' father he will be. Don't countenance it for a minute. Your mum is right. She has your best interest at heart and actually cares about your future happiness. I don't think he does.

You can find someone who deserves you. You sound lovely. Don't sell yourself short.

So...don't meet him, instead, write down what you know about finances, property etc and go and meet a solicitor. You can do it. Then you can get on with finding the man you can be in an equal and 'relaxed' relationship with. Good luck.

Listen to your mom.

Hope all goes well for you OP. What I meant upthread is that you don't know what the future holds without your DH, nobody does - but you have a much better chance of happiness without him. I wasn't very clear.

Do go and see a solicitor - or several - for your free half hour (must be some in your area that offer this).

Solid Gold Brass has it in a nutshell. Brilliant post.

Happy Christmas - have fun in the bosom of your friends family.