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Original poster

I know I've been stupid but please help me unpick this

104 replies

anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:00

I will try to keep the as short as possible. Occasional poster, long time lurker.

I was in an abuse marriage for 16 years 3 DC. He left over 7 years ago for OW. Dramatic situation with her that left me very scarred. I spent the next 5 years single working on myself, building my life/career prospects and generally avoiding another idiot.

2 1/2 years ago I met this really wonderful, kind, gentle non-abusive guy who was a lot younger than me. The 16 year age gap put me off but he looked and acted far beyond his years.

I'll cut to the chase and own up that I rushed into the relationship but it was easier to let the guy into my life and kids lives than spend time away from my kids with all the dating (he never moved in but was round at my house every day. Nights over were eased in very gradually).

We had a great relationship, he never once even raised his voice to me and was very supportive and helpful through some very difficult times for me including the sudden death of a very close family member, uni and a child with very complex learning disabilities.

He would tell me he loved me multiple times a day right through the whole course of the relationship and surprise me with gifts very often. The way he was with me every friend/family member reassured me he was not capable of hurting me.

However, the one problem that actually caused me to become quite unhappy was that he never had any close friends (and I was never introduced to any) and he never introduced me to his parents. He used his dad's ill health and other things as an excuse. He would speak to them on the phone about me and they would send gifts for me and I'd sit outside his house in the car while he would talk briefly with them at the doorstep. He swore blind he had told them the extent of the age gap and they were fine with it. Several time I tried to end it because of this but he would get so upset I genuinely though the guy really wanted the relationship that much.

Earlier on this year during my uni finals when I had asked him to stay at home so I could study, he joined the gym. I thought this was great as he did not have any friends anyway so would be good for him, and he met a few guys there and got into training 5 nights a week. After finals were over I started full time work and assumed he would cut down nights in the gym so that we could spend time together but he wouldn't. This started to cause problems.

Around about a 2 months ago I got the 'gut feeling', so to cut a long story short I tried to end the relationship to get him to see the problems this excessive gym going was causing. But this time he just accepted it gracefully and sad "oh well we can still be friends". I just knew. It turned out he had been "texting" a girl from the gym, and it really was only recent, not many very suggestive/dirty texts.

This is the situation now: he has dropped me like he was dating me 2 weeks. The girl is not sure if she wants a relationship and has said they will have a couple of dates and see how it goes. He was very upset by this and after 3 weeks of NC text and called me because he wanted to still be friends (he demo does not still want the relationship.

So ladies, WTAF had happened here? He has left me in a state of shock and wondering if I will ever recover. I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since and have lost so much sleep, can't eat and dropped a load of weight. Please help straighten me out.

If you got this far then thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:31

Thanks AF, that was blood, sweat and tears...literally!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 23:33

The "friendship" thing can be a way to assuage his guilt and still be the Good Guy

You are not obliged to stay friends.

I am not friends with any of my exes. Some people seem to be able to do it, but I never managed it

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:35

Yes AF I've read up on the guilt thing but I think it was more of a contact and he can talk to me thing because he wanted to keep texting and talk to me about his problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:38

I should add that one of the things that was upsetting him with the OW was that she was taking long periods of time to reply to his texts

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 23:39

ah, I see

he wants you to advise him on his new relationship ?

fuck that

he really does have mummy issues, I think

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:40

I told him honestly it sounded as if the fun ended when the girlfriend did.

OP posts:
dadwood · 15/12/2014 23:44

Holding onto your exes as friends is like having stuffed animals in glass cases, unless they really are friends of course. Well done on the first class degree!

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:45

Thanks dadwood, and yes I agree I can't be friends with an ex either.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:51

Oh and I really forgot this bit!! When he came with the whole friends thing, he felt the need to own up he had been taking steds and injecting insulin at the gym?! My head id honestly spinning!

It still is an improvement on the ex his poison became cocaine. I really can pick them!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 23:54

What a dick !

dadwood · 15/12/2014 23:59

Insecure indeed!

wallypops · 16/12/2014 07:51

You can be friends with ex's but IMHO they are not like other friends and you should definitely have contact with them sparingly - like annually.

JaceyBee · 16/12/2014 10:40

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying OP. I am also seeing someone younger, 11 years. I'm also studying for my masters and wasn't looking for a relationship as that's my main focus, along with the dcs. But, it's been 7 months now and things have got a bit more complicated, although he hasn't moved in with us or owt. I have met several of his friends (they're more my age anyway) but his mum still doesn't know I exist. This mostly doesn't bother me, but I do wonder if he feels a bit ashamed of me at times? She is a different race and culture to me but I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not.

It does sound as though you're kind of a mentor to him. He looks up to you, values your opinion and wants your approval. I don't think he's a player, but I think he's rather weak and emotionally immature still. I don't think he wants to hurt you, I just don't think he's very self-aware and can't understand how you might be upset at what he's said about this other woman.

I agree that repeatedly pushing someone away is a very risky and unwise way to test their feelings for you. I wouldn't stick around to beg if someone did this, that's for sure. Do you actually want him back?

Original poster
anywilldo · 16/12/2014 11:59

I actually didn't try to end it to test it iffy swim I was genuinely trying to walk away. This last time I think it was when I realised that something was going on I went into rescue mode.

If it had not been for the red flags, the things that were making me unhappy yes I would have wanted it to last.

I don't know if I want him back I feel so messed up. I never had the opportunity to feel secure enough in the relationship to know that. But I will admit I miss him a lot.

OP posts:
Isetan · 16/12/2014 12:33

Sitting in the car while he was visiting his parents is just bizarre, why on earth did you think that this behaviour was acceptable.

He doesn't sound very mature and the sweet 'wouldn't hurt a fly' demeanour was a convenient way to lower your defences. Your relationship is no longer convenient for him but your friendship (his ego sill needs to be stroked) is.

Stop trying to figure him out, he's just not that into you.

Original poster
anywilldo · 16/12/2014 12:44

Jacey I also relate to what you're saying about feeling ashamed, as this worried me too, hence being unhappy, but he was so openly affectionate in public.

It's quite obvious he's not that into me now as he's obsessed with this ow. I think he's put himself out there and is terrified of being rejected by her in front of his friends.

He probably wants to be friends as he doesn't want to be the bad guy and maybe as a way of impressing her as she is friends with her ex too.

OP posts:
Isetan · 16/12/2014 12:45

The stakes were always higher for you than they were for him, he just did a good job of hiding the disparity.

Isetan · 16/12/2014 12:50

I think he gets something from your friendship that he doesn't get elsewhere but doesn't care to realise that lying and cheating doesn't make him a good friend to you.

This one has a strong likelyhood of coming back with his tail between his legs.

JaceyBee · 16/12/2014 16:33

It's just as likely that he's embarrassed of his parents as it is that he's embarrassed of you though. This is what I think about my guy sometimes, his family are pretty dysfunctional to say the least but I have no issue whatsoever with that. It's quite an immature mind set to be embarrassed about your folks but then they are still quite young.

I hope he's not ashamed of me but it's possible. The thing is, it suits me to keep things casual so I don't wanna start carping on about meeting his mum when I don't really want that sort of relationship where your lives integrate and all that shiz.

I also have a suspicion your guy will come crawling back when this new woman rejects him (which seems like she will/has). If he does, and you decide you still want him, I would lay down some terms such as I want to meet your parents then and anything else you feel is important to you. Redraw some boundaries in the relationship and definitely don't be a doormat.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2014 16:55

Actually, you would be a doormat full stop to take him back if when he comes crawling back

Original poster
anywilldo · 16/12/2014 19:32

My gut feeling is that he won't be back. He ran away like the little boy he obviously is and not least because of the total pasting I gave him (I'm ashamed to admit that the guy was sobbing even before I had finished with him) (I've even tempted to apologise because I acted so badly), but on the other hand he knew the damage that the XH had caused to me with the OW.

Even if he did come back I just couldn't. His self esteem is very low and what it has shown me is that he could have got fed up at any point for any reason and this is how he would have dealt with it. This was one of my greatest concerns about the relationship so no there's no way.

Friends of mine who got to know him well enough think he really is just that stupid to not consider how hurt I would have been.

OP posts:
dadwood · 16/12/2014 19:47

Hi anywilldo Personally, I don't think you should apologise for losing your rag and making him cry. You wouldn't be doing him any favours, you'd be sending mixed messages. He needs to learn from this, he needs to learn that other people get upset too and it isn't all about him.

Original poster
anywilldo · 16/12/2014 19:52

That's what friends have said dadwood, and lost in the moment of rage I just wanted him to feel one small bit of what it's like when somebody puts a sledgehammer over the most painful things for you.

You're right that he does need to learn his lesson but I am one of those people who really cannot hurt others and if I try it ends up hurting me more.

I'm leaving him to it. At least it may ensure NC from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 16/12/2014 21:41

Ok so it turns out in lightening speed I was wrong. He has called me to say he's told her it's off and he wants us to be best friends.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2014 22:44

she has dumped him

if you fall for that you have learned nowt from this thread...