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Original poster

I know I've been stupid but please help me unpick this

104 replies

anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:00

I will try to keep the as short as possible. Occasional poster, long time lurker.

I was in an abuse marriage for 16 years 3 DC. He left over 7 years ago for OW. Dramatic situation with her that left me very scarred. I spent the next 5 years single working on myself, building my life/career prospects and generally avoiding another idiot.

2 1/2 years ago I met this really wonderful, kind, gentle non-abusive guy who was a lot younger than me. The 16 year age gap put me off but he looked and acted far beyond his years.

I'll cut to the chase and own up that I rushed into the relationship but it was easier to let the guy into my life and kids lives than spend time away from my kids with all the dating (he never moved in but was round at my house every day. Nights over were eased in very gradually).

We had a great relationship, he never once even raised his voice to me and was very supportive and helpful through some very difficult times for me including the sudden death of a very close family member, uni and a child with very complex learning disabilities.

He would tell me he loved me multiple times a day right through the whole course of the relationship and surprise me with gifts very often. The way he was with me every friend/family member reassured me he was not capable of hurting me.

However, the one problem that actually caused me to become quite unhappy was that he never had any close friends (and I was never introduced to any) and he never introduced me to his parents. He used his dad's ill health and other things as an excuse. He would speak to them on the phone about me and they would send gifts for me and I'd sit outside his house in the car while he would talk briefly with them at the doorstep. He swore blind he had told them the extent of the age gap and they were fine with it. Several time I tried to end it because of this but he would get so upset I genuinely though the guy really wanted the relationship that much.

Earlier on this year during my uni finals when I had asked him to stay at home so I could study, he joined the gym. I thought this was great as he did not have any friends anyway so would be good for him, and he met a few guys there and got into training 5 nights a week. After finals were over I started full time work and assumed he would cut down nights in the gym so that we could spend time together but he wouldn't. This started to cause problems.

Around about a 2 months ago I got the 'gut feeling', so to cut a long story short I tried to end the relationship to get him to see the problems this excessive gym going was causing. But this time he just accepted it gracefully and sad "oh well we can still be friends". I just knew. It turned out he had been "texting" a girl from the gym, and it really was only recent, not many very suggestive/dirty texts.

This is the situation now: he has dropped me like he was dating me 2 weeks. The girl is not sure if she wants a relationship and has said they will have a couple of dates and see how it goes. He was very upset by this and after 3 weeks of NC text and called me because he wanted to still be friends (he demo does not still want the relationship.

So ladies, WTAF had happened here? He has left me in a state of shock and wondering if I will ever recover. I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since and have lost so much sleep, can't eat and dropped a load of weight. Please help straighten me out.

If you got this far then thank you.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/12/2014 21:49

Well, there were some dodgy signs eh?

Mind you, I think those of us who have been smashed up tend to have a lot of compassion for other damaged people. We make allowances perhaps.

My first thought was that his behaviour looks addictive. All or nothing. 0-60 in record time.

Perhaps his relationship with you had that flavour - he had to have you, in record time ((you too?). The gym for 5 nights a week, OTT.

It does look like he's lined up another relationship to park himself in. Addiction is all about escape, using anything to hand.

I think his age is irrelevant, either to his behaviour or your relationship. You are damaged souls and, sadly, hurt people hurt people.

I'm sorry you've had such a shock. It isn't personal, though it certainly looks.

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 21:52

Yes - I get that. I am sorry you are hurting.

DH and I separated for a time - it was v painful but it was strange as I felt at my strongest.

I think, if it is ok to say - you were in the roles of parent/child. This dynamic can work for some people. I think its a step in the right direction that you experienced a type of relationship free from abuse.

Take all this that you have learnt to move forward towards a more equitable relationship. Did it suit you after being in your previusly abusive relationship to be the more dominant partner? Just a thought.

FWIW my DH cut me out completely it was like daling with a robot. There was nothing there for months, cold unfeeling completely. We got back on track evetually but I did read at the time how men can compartmentalise.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:52

How the hell do I recover from this? Cheated on twice!

I freely admit I ignored the reg flags. I think my problem was genuinely believing the guy would not cheat like my ex. Given his age, I knew risk of it not lasting forever.

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 21:55

Before he cheated you did try to end it but then didn't - if he was needy this would make him feel insecure.

I agree with what Dadwood said and there is some sense in the addiction thing too.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:55

Yes andsmileitschristmas, given that my abusive ex was so dominant for a while it suited me. I have to say though the novelty soon wore off and I found the fact that I could say jump and he would ay how high a bit of a turn off.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 21:56

This site will be an eye opener for you baggage reclaim

You've been played, love. I am sorry.

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 21:56

I knew risk of it not lasting - did this suit you too? Im not meaning to be snarky just probe you into reflecting on your own inner workings. Sometimes we know about the what but not why.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:57

Thanks AF been reading that a lot. Just reeling right now looking for answers.

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 21:57

great link

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 21:59

Answers will come to you over the comming months - don't torture yourself trying to trawl internet to get answers - its exhausting.

You literally have to wait for the dust to settle in your mind and heart.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:00

I wanted it to last, in fact the risk of it not lasting put me off.

I'm a very loyal person, I accept people even if they aren't perfect. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people so I would not want a relationship that may not last. It came down to the never thought he was capable of it.

OP posts:
dadwood · 15/12/2014 22:06

anywilldo The fact you wanted it to last and you are loyal is key. That is why he was drawn to you I think, it took away some of the risk of rejection for him.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:08

Maybe that's why I was drawn to him too dadwood, because I also thought he had these qualities? Except I was wrong...

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:12

Im confused - you knew it wouldnt last but you wanted it too - do you think this was always a get out card deep down - sorry thats what I was getting at. I could be completely wrong.

Drawn to him because you he would depend on you - dominance safer than past experience.

dadwood · 15/12/2014 22:14

anywilldo I think you had underestimated his dependence and how unsettled he could be if you tried to renegotiate anything in the relationship. andsmileitschristmas thinks you will figure it all out over time, I agree with her.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:17

Sorry andsmile, I should clarify, I accepted that given his age there was the risk of it not lasting but I really did want it to. Like I said he appeared to be the dependable guy.

I did not think he would depend on me. In the beginning, he kept telling me how he wanted to look after me and would be there through anything and everything.

It makes sense that I made him insecure and he panicked. But then again, if the guy was that insecure, this was probably an accident waiting to happen. I'm not the type anymore to be unhappy and just put up with it.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 22:18

I think you guys are overthinking it.

I think he's a player and he moved onto something new when it got a little uncomfortable for him/he got out of you what he wanted

As simple as that

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:20

ah ok. - I think you are starting to answer you own question in that last sentence.

dadwood · 15/12/2014 22:23

AF - perhaps I used to be a bit like him 20 years ago! :-) Insecure that is, not a player!

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:25

I love the knowledge on here. It just helps to try to begin and straighten out my thinking. It came as such a bolt out of the blue, and I've currently got other quite serious situ's going on. Talk about it never rains....

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 22:26

Not saying you are wrong, DW, just my opinion Smile

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:26

anyfucker maybe be right 'using bastard' comes to mind...but i think the anywild needs to work out what her own motivations/behaviours had got her to this point. I found examining my own role in m y own shit (att he time) to be very insightful and it helped be a better person all round and not just repair my relationship. But thats me.

But anywild I do know you can be too hard on yourself, make sure you plane some nice stuff even if it is obvious distraction to give your brain a rest.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 22:27

Baggage reclaim helps you sort own shit out, I find

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:27

Even after he decided it was over and he was gone. I was asking him to tell me anything that I could fix about myself to help me in the future. He told me that there was not one thing wrong with me he thought I was perfect! This always bothered me that he said this as in reality I'm very far from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:30

You're right andsmile I really want to work me out so I can be a better me. I think I overlooked the things I did not like because I was so convinced he would never do what my ex did.

I've already distracted myself with the gym (the irony!) (one far from his) and I'm currently working on my career too.

OP posts: