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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I've been stupid but please help me unpick this

104 replies

anywilldo · 15/12/2014 21:00

I will try to keep the as short as possible. Occasional poster, long time lurker.

I was in an abuse marriage for 16 years 3 DC. He left over 7 years ago for OW. Dramatic situation with her that left me very scarred. I spent the next 5 years single working on myself, building my life/career prospects and generally avoiding another idiot.

2 1/2 years ago I met this really wonderful, kind, gentle non-abusive guy who was a lot younger than me. The 16 year age gap put me off but he looked and acted far beyond his years.

I'll cut to the chase and own up that I rushed into the relationship but it was easier to let the guy into my life and kids lives than spend time away from my kids with all the dating (he never moved in but was round at my house every day. Nights over were eased in very gradually).

We had a great relationship, he never once even raised his voice to me and was very supportive and helpful through some very difficult times for me including the sudden death of a very close family member, uni and a child with very complex learning disabilities.

He would tell me he loved me multiple times a day right through the whole course of the relationship and surprise me with gifts very often. The way he was with me every friend/family member reassured me he was not capable of hurting me.

However, the one problem that actually caused me to become quite unhappy was that he never had any close friends (and I was never introduced to any) and he never introduced me to his parents. He used his dad's ill health and other things as an excuse. He would speak to them on the phone about me and they would send gifts for me and I'd sit outside his house in the car while he would talk briefly with them at the doorstep. He swore blind he had told them the extent of the age gap and they were fine with it. Several time I tried to end it because of this but he would get so upset I genuinely though the guy really wanted the relationship that much.

Earlier on this year during my uni finals when I had asked him to stay at home so I could study, he joined the gym. I thought this was great as he did not have any friends anyway so would be good for him, and he met a few guys there and got into training 5 nights a week. After finals were over I started full time work and assumed he would cut down nights in the gym so that we could spend time together but he wouldn't. This started to cause problems.

Around about a 2 months ago I got the 'gut feeling', so to cut a long story short I tried to end the relationship to get him to see the problems this excessive gym going was causing. But this time he just accepted it gracefully and sad "oh well we can still be friends". I just knew. It turned out he had been "texting" a girl from the gym, and it really was only recent, not many very suggestive/dirty texts.

This is the situation now: he has dropped me like he was dating me 2 weeks. The girl is not sure if she wants a relationship and has said they will have a couple of dates and see how it goes. He was very upset by this and after 3 weeks of NC text and called me because he wanted to still be friends (he demo does not still want the relationship.

So ladies, WTAF had happened here? He has left me in a state of shock and wondering if I will ever recover. I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since and have lost so much sleep, can't eat and dropped a load of weight. Please help straighten me out.

If you got this far then thank you.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/12/2014 22:31

Next time, don't finish with people (repeatedly) to test their feelings for you. Finishing with someone is HUGE and incredibly unsettling. It's not a safe emotional thermometer.

Sorry you're upset. At least you know you're a survivor and you WILL get through this. Focus on the other problems - sorting them out will sort this out too.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:34

WhatsGoingOn I know that was a huge mistake I really handled that aspect badly, that's what I learned and I know that was probably the root of the insecurity. That being said, the guy was refusing to deal with the issues that he knew made me unhappy, so at the time I really did not have any other solution.

OP posts:
dadwood · 15/12/2014 22:37

the guy was refusing to deal with the issues

He had stopped supporting you unconditionally then like he said he would

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:37

I could fix about myself to help me in the future NO NO NO! you hear me.

None of us are perfect, we can drop/adopt better behaviours to maximise ourselves and be our better selves most of the time but there is nothing about 'you' who you essentially are that needs 'fixing' you are not broken.

I think your OP was honest - you've said you saw red flags - maybe this dynamic suited you both and it has served it's purpose. But it ended on his terms so this is harder...

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:40

I know I should have just ended it, I knew early on with the whole parents thing. I just could not hurt the guy he was so upset when I tried, and given the fact I wanted it to work I just ploughed on hoping it would get better.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:43

You have hit the nail on the head and smile, it's because it ended the way it did. Not so much on his terms, but with the whole OW fiasco again. I second it happened it raked up all the past hurt for me and it's likely I'm experiencing a double whammy.

This is what has made me so bloody angry the fact he knew my past. I miss his companionship but I'll be honest, beyond that, there's not much else I'm missing.

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:44

So - now you know your gut instincts about the early stuff was right, this is good no? Now if you come across this again you know what to think/do. This is about trusting yourself, your judgement - what you derserve, self esteem issues?

Plough on, was it easier than confronting but then it snowballed?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 22:44

You know what, you have actually dodged a bullet here

You begged him to tell you how to fix yourself for the future ? That would have been an abuser's wet dream

Seriously, don't ever put your future self esteem in the hands of another. This bloke sounds like a common or garden Bit Of A Cock, but there are some grade-A arseholes out there who would take your plea to change yourself for someone and fuck you right up.

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:46

Aha - hey I still have awful flashbacks of feelings, when I drive past certain places and even DS will occasionally mention things though he dosn't know he was young but still remembers things we did or they did together during that time.

It can be like ripping stitches open and sticking a knife back in the wound.

dadwood · 15/12/2014 22:47

Good stuff AnyFuckerForAMincePie

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:48

AF you're right, that was totally stupid and dangerous and if I'm honest I wanted to know if my past abuser was right about all the things he said. Given the character assassination I gave him I was bloody lucky.

Yes andsmiles, I guess I do plough on as a way of avoiding. At the time I had so much stress at uni and a very close family member had taken their own life. Not an excuse but maybe why I avoided.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 22:50

I doubt very much your past abuser was right. And certainly some immature little nobber who jumps ship on a whim is not the person to put your trust in to answer that question responsibly.

andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:53

Look you sound like you are quite reflective I have no doubt you can learn from this - its what mistakes are for in life. Just make sure you listen and trust yourself more in the future.

As I saw on MN thread - hold your own pen and be your own author of your life - dont ever let anyone else hold your pen. A new year is just about here for you to get writing.

For goodness sake book a day/weekend/week away somewhere new and different. Start replacing your memories with new cool exicitng ones.

Have you friends in RL you talk to?

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:54

Maybe I'm halfway there...I know how to avoid the abusers and spot the red flags.

My problem is walking away and dealing with the past wounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 22:56

I do have RL friends, my friends and family have been amazing. I'm just aware how much I must have bored them to death before/during/after my divorce.

I just find this site very useful and it's almost like counselling as you guys don't know me.

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 22:58

You can't change your past wounds - carry them as a reminder of how not to live. When I find myself drifting i tell m yself that was then and this is now. What is happening now, here is what matters - this refocuses me. I share this DH. He knows some of his actions hurt me and I know I hurt him but he seldom looks back.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:03

I think it's letting go of the contact that is the hardest for me but I know that the 3 years of my ex destroying me after our breakup is something I will never put myself through again.

What I'm finding interesting is that I was not interested one bit in anything about the woman. I think I blew when he gave me info I did not want to know.

It's almost like something in me knew that this OW was not the issue here.

OP posts:
GoodKingQuintless · 15/12/2014 23:04

What happened?
He eventually took you on your word and let you end it, rather than cling to you.

Seems to me your way of sorting out problems is "trying to end it" so he can "see the problems in the relationship". So, pretty red flag to him then? You must have made him feel pretty insecure! No wonder he started exploring his options when you were constantly breaking up with him, when you wanted to prove a point. It sounds a bit like blackmail to me...

Why did you keep breaking up with him, if you did not mean it? The hurt you feel now, is what you have put him through several times in your relationship.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/12/2014 23:05

OP you have to deal with past wounds before you can move on properly. You need to get beyond simply avoiding abusers and spotting red flags. These are really good tools but they are best used when are looking for a proper, healthy relationship and not just a different one from the last, IYSWIM.

The good news is that you haven't made the same mistake again. From what you have written, it doesn't sound like this guy was an abuser. It sounds like he was just a Dick. You have made a different mistake this time and that's alright.Smile

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:07

Yes GoodKing, I openly admitted that. I did he because he was making me unhappy and I had addressed in the right way but he refused to deal with it. He knew he could have put that right though.

I was not trying to blackmail him, I was genuinely trying to walk because I was unhappy and I was fully prepared to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:12

Looking back, I think he tried to live my family lifestyle but could not handle the fact I could not make him the centre of my world (kids, study, career) a few people had commented that he wanted me all to himself. It's interesting that this new woman although older still lives at home no kids etc.

OP posts:
andsmileitschristmas · 15/12/2014 23:17

you see OP - you are beginning to look for answers outside yourself needing fixing as you put it. Grin

I think you sound like you have the right attitude...you know what you dont do/need/want in a relationship..next steps to work on what you do want/need.

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:21

Funny thing is I was not actually looking for a relationship when we met, it was one of those chance things. I had my head in study and thought I would just see how it went type of thing, a sort of fill in the blanks in my spare time, but got more than I bargained for.

I'm proud of the fact I never let him affect my degree (I got a first) I would like a relationship in the future but I need someone a who can look after themselves and compliments me rather than tries to smother me.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 23:27

Congratulations on your First Thanks

Original poster
anywilldo · 15/12/2014 23:29

And sorry guys, but what is with this 'friendship' thing? (I'm 100% not going there) I think this has confused me a lot. And he repeatedly kept telling me he cares deeply for me and will always live me. If I'm honest this is the biggest head fuck.

OP posts: