I think my MIL is trying to control my life?

[thingswesaidtoday]

Please bear with me as this is long.

Me and my OH been together 9 years, I'm 5 years younger than him (him being 34).

Throughout the last few years he has been pressuring me to have children but I kept saying I wasn't ready, last year I gave in and it all went disastrously wrong, I got pg, realised I wasn't ready and shouldn't have given into pressure, ended up having a termination due to antenatal depression. Before the termination had his mum come round telling me I was selfish that he was going to be an "old Dad" and that I was taking away her grandchild from her and her husband. It was horrible to say the least and I was almost suicidal afterwards.

Anyway OH wasn't happy, he forgave me we got back together and all fine now he wants to have children still and I am thinking that now I feel more ready as I'm a little bit older and hopefully a little more prepared.

But I just can't shake off the feeling that she is still getting her own way, all she does is go on about bloody babies, making me feel awkward, saying she can't wait to have a grandchild and buy the cot - a child that hasn't even been conceived yet but she is already planning my future for me and she is so overbearing!

I don't know what I'm asking really just scared that I can't stand up to her, I love my OH and think he'd make a brilliant Dad but he doesn't see how manipulative she is.

I feel like I'm being controlled but I don't know if I am? I don't know if I'm having a baby just for her?

muminscotland put it in a much nicer way than me!

Things, please start taking care of yourself and looking out for you as he certainly isn't.

Oh, OP, you poor thing. He is not your best friend. You're still so young, and this [would appear to be] your only serious relationship: you have nothing to compare it to.

Absent any single issue you've posted here (let alone the combination of them!), sure, maybe, some of your day-to-day relationship can be seen as "best friends", if you squint. But it's a house of cards built on a quicksand foundation. You CANNOT filter out this particular elephant from the room. (Sorry for all the metaphors)

Try this on for size: tell DP you've made up your mind that you don't want children, EVER. See how fast there's a "best friend"-shaped hole in the door.

Their attitudes toward you are chilling. Just chilling. Every post you add frightens me further.

I am genuinely concerned for you now.

Thanks for your kind words, he isn't a bully or anything like that so I don't want to paint him as the bad guy, I think we have both done wrong in different ways but this isn't about blame as you mentioned. I think quite simply he is just unbelievably desperate to become a father; but it has become an obsession for him now which is quite worrying.

His Mum does have an older grandchild from her daughter so it's not like she hasn't experienced it before, she is already a grandmother.

My parents have never pressured me they just want me to be happy. I want him to be happy aswell as he is a good guy. Just feel I'm on the edge of another breakdown and I definitely don't want that.

I'm afraid to tell them how I truly feel as they will just say I've deceived them again. But I know I need to man up and start being more assertive as it's best for everyone.

You haven't deceived anyone, you have tried to make things work in a situation where there just isn't a solution that is going to make everyone happy. Don't worry about them making you feel guilty - you are obviously a nice person and don't want to upset them, but their happiness isn't your responsibility. And sometimes you just have to accept that the best answer, for you, and for everyone in the long term, is going to make them unhappy and angry and quite possibly say and think things that are totally unfair. We can't always get people to understand and acknowledge things that we believe sincerely are the truth.

But you have to be strong, and maybe accept them being unpleasant, and unfair and unkind.

There's a line in a book about hating the feeling that someone you care about is out there in the world and thinking badly of you. Nobody wants that, and we often stay in bad situations to try to avoid it. Sometimes letting them think badly of you, but knowing you were right, is the best you can manage from a difficult situation.

This isn't working. And, no matter how hard you work at it, it isn't ever going to. You just have different priorities and they are not compatible. Bringing a child into it wouldn't make it better, it would make it worse.

You'll see, on many freds here, that abusers* are rarely 24/7. Of course there are going to be good times. There have to be, or you wouldn't have stayed as long as you did.

The ex I mentioned earlier? I still have some nice, indeed perfectly lovely memories of our time together. And he may well not have intended to be an asshole, but our world views were never going to mesh, and he was never going to change. The abuse was the result of 100% of any change, etc, being solely down to me - no compromise. Once our relationship was over, my usefulness was nil: our "friendship" would never have survived and, indeed, did not exist, by that standard.

That's what I'm trying yo tell you: if you take away your "usefulness" (as a walking, pref non-talking, womb), you will have no relationship and certainly no friendship with thus man. You allude to it yourself with your mention of "obsession": obsessions or addictions rarely take a back seat to the rights and needs of loved ones.

• not necessarily saying your DP is an abuser - that's almost an irrelevance to this core issue.

Regarding the use of the word "breed" in this case I think it is very apt. Clearly the MIL sees the OP as some sort of brood mare, there to pop out the required grandchild, the fact that she would be setting him up with someone else as soon as the OP is out of the picture indicates that it doesnt really matter who the brood mare is. So yes, breeding is very accurate in this case.

I suspect OP that it isnt children that you dont want, but children with HIM. I wouldnt either. It will always be her grandchild first, your child second.

I agree with PP's and think that you should completely rethink the whole relationship. It wont change, he wont change, she wont change, the only thing you can be sure of is you and your actions.

Men are able to want children just as much as women, if my partner had said absolutely no to us having children it would have been a deal breaker for me, your partner was also entitled to feel very upset at the termination.
I think probably you need to take some time out from each other if possible to think about what you really want, you are still plenty young enough to want children in the future, but right now I would suggest is absolutely not the right time, considering you had depression before. If you do eventually decide on kids with him you will be aware of how you might feel and be able to seek help for any future depression.
as an aside when I eventually fell pregnant with my much longed for child I went into a weird sense of ambivalence (did I really want this?) and also quite a deep sense of mourning for my former life - quite normal I believe.

It is also of course normal for a mother (your mil) to hope for grandchildren and be excited and involved, not so normal to pester, pressure and nag you. If you can talk honestly with your partner then this would be a positive, if you cant talk openly with him then eventual family life will be misery for all of you.

OP...I said earlier in the thread that you need to prioritise your MH and that this is early days - you replied that the termination was 16 months ago...implying that you were over the AND.

16 months is still very early days in MH timelines.

I had PND - it blighted my life for a full 2 years (standard timescale for PND) and just when I thought I was turning a corner I fell into a deep clinical depression when my mother died suddenly - because I was mentally vulnerable.

You saying:

"Just feel I'm on the edge of another breakdown and I definitely don't want that"

terrifies me - you do need to focus 120% on your MH. The best way to do this is to remove yourself from the source of stress (your OH) until you recover and gain some perspective.

Please dont fall or be pushed over the edge.....please ask your Mum to told your had tightly now. Please show her this thread. I really wish you well. Sx

Things, why is his happiness more important than yours?

I know relationships are about compromise but a child should be a compromise, a child should be wanted, even if unplanned, it should be wanted.

Something sounds like you had a horrible time of it, thanks for the well wishes.

spade I don't know really I guess my happiness should be just as important, just wish we were on the same page but it seems we aren't.

I've no doubt I'd love a baby if and when I do have one but whether now is the right time considering what happened last time I do not know.

WHile I dont think you can ever be sure when the right time is to have a baby, you can be sure when it is the wrong time.

The fact that you have such misgivings would indicate to me that this is a wrong time.

Wanting a baby and trying to work out when to do it so you dont suffer too much financially, career wise, housing wise etc is fine, its normal (and advisable) to plan it as best you can. But you are not sure, and if there is one thing I do know about having children, you need to be absolutely 100% sure that its what you want.

Don't have a child unless you are 100% up for it. I think you could risk wanting another termination. Please don't conceive again knowing there is a chance you may terminate. Don't put everyone involved through this. It doesn't sound as if your heart is in it. And mil is perhaps making such a big deal, she is putting you off.

Your happiness is as important, it's a shame he doesn't think the same way.