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Original poster

I think my MIL is trying to control my life?

88 replies

thingswesaidtoday · 15/12/2014 12:54

Please bear with me as this is long.

Me and my OH been together 9 years, I'm 5 years younger than him (him being 34).

Throughout the last few years he has been pressuring me to have children but I kept saying I wasn't ready, last year I gave in and it all went disastrously wrong, I got pg, realised I wasn't ready and shouldn't have given into pressure, ended up having a termination due to antenatal depression. Before the termination had his mum come round telling me I was selfish that he was going to be an "old Dad" and that I was taking away her grandchild from her and her husband. It was horrible to say the least and I was almost suicidal afterwards.

Anyway OH wasn't happy, he forgave me we got back together and all fine now he wants to have children still and I am thinking that now I feel more ready as I'm a little bit older and hopefully a little more prepared.

But I just can't shake off the feeling that she is still getting her own way, all she does is go on about bloody babies, making me feel awkward, saying she can't wait to have a grandchild and buy the cot - a child that hasn't even been conceived yet but she is already planning my future for me and she is so overbearing!

I don't know what I'm asking really just scared that I can't stand up to her, I love my OH and think he'd make a brilliant Dad but he doesn't see how manipulative she is.

I feel like I'm being controlled but I don't know if I am? I don't know if I'm having a baby just for her? Sad

OP posts:
FelizNavidaddies · 15/12/2014 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 15/12/2014 19:00

Thanks for sharing Feliz, sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

I know that I should probably walk away but it's just so hard.

OP posts:
StackladysMorphicResonator · 15/12/2014 19:14

OP, I would advise that you do not have kids with this man unless you marry him - I've seen so many posters on here that end up financially screwed/disadvantaged because they had children with a partner with whom they subsequently split up. Having DC will impact on your career and put you at a financial disadvantage - make sure you're covered by either a marriage contract or at the very least a deed of trust.

overslept · 15/12/2014 19:24

.... marriage is not a contract you make for children, you make it because of each other. Children are not a commodity to be pushed on or away for somebody. Health and choices are not somebody else's judgement or opinion.

This thread has brought out the worst in some posters. It's horrible. Who would bring child in to this? "unless you marry him" ? Oh my god. NO. just no. I shouldn't even need to explain why.

TinyWishes · 15/12/2014 19:30

So what would happen if you did decide you wouldn't want children. ?? Call their bluff!!!

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 15/12/2014 19:36

Sorry I misunderstand some posts marriage isn't the issue really to be honest it's not important to me and I'm financially independent as I said.

It would be over in that case Tiny. Black and white really.

OP posts:
TinyWishes · 15/12/2014 21:41

Don't let them bully you into doing something your heart isn't into. Thanks

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 22:26

things...it is really early days post term, post depression, post suicidal thoughts.....you need to recover your mental health.

One suggestion is to put down some boundaries whilst you work this through. Tell DH that you need space - that do not want to start TTC for 2 more years.

Then you need to write a list of the boundaries and behaviours that your MIL needs to adhere to....ie back off, dont mention kids etc...and then your OH needs to respect this (how this makes you feel) and deliver these to MIL from both of you.

If you believe that you would be shown the door immediately if you said you dont want children - then you need to seriously consider what sort of partnership this is.

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 15/12/2014 22:44

Thankyou something it has actually been over 16 months since it all happened and I feel that my mental health has recovered now.

I don't think it's going to be easy to leave but I guess I don't have much choice really.

OP posts:
TinyWishes · 16/12/2014 21:43

We are all here for you. Whatever you decide to do.

Let us know how you get on.

Keep posting if you need to Thanks

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 16/12/2014 22:21

Thankyou Tiny I just need to find the courage to do the right thing

OP posts:
Karasea · 16/12/2014 22:28

The thing is there is only one point to having a partner, that they improve your life which generally happens because they value you above all others. Add in mutual respect and it works brilliantly - without this starting point babies and children put enormous pressure and exacerbate any fault lines.

I think you deserve more, You don't sound like you believe this yet. You sound like you could be walking towards confidence, emotional independence and a better relationship ( but yes probably not with this man who should have been better)

GoodArvo · 16/12/2014 22:46

I don't see how people expect the DP or his mother to be supportive about the termination. It wasn't even an accidental pregnancy. It was planned and then terminated because MIL really wanted to be a grandmother and was too pushy.

I think if it was the DP posting, we'd all be telling him to leave the OP and find a woman who does want children.

OP, you shouldn't have children if you don't want to, but you're not doing your DP any favours by getting his hopes up and then dashing them. It's cruel.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2014 23:39

I don't think anyone here expects his mother to be supportive about the termination Arvo. But what on earth makes you think it happened just because ofthe MIL's behaviour? Read the OP:

"Throughout the last few years he has been pressuring me to have children but I kept saying I wasn't ready, last year I gave in and it all went disastrously wrong, I got pg, realised I wasn't ready and shouldn't have given into pressure, ended up having a termination due to antenatal depression. "

Antenatal depression. Have you any idea of how devastating that can be? The OP was not being 'cruel', as you so cruelly put it.

So yes, I do think if OP's partner valued her as more than a brood mare he should have been supportive of the termination. Instead, he's allowing his mother to continue pressuring the OP.

Show a little compassion.

Coyoacan · 17/12/2014 05:31

OP, lots of good advice here, I just wanted to say that I don't think you should get pregnant in this situation. Motherhood is wonderful but bloody hard work, you need to want it and unfortunately with so much pressure on you, you cannot see clearly.

I live with my adult dd and I know that if she has something difficult to work out I have to back off as my input can only cloud the issue.

FishWithABicycle · 17/12/2014 06:02

I wish he could see how manipulative she is but he can't, I don't know part of me thought that if we became a family he would finally become a man and not be in her clutches so much.

Run for the hills OP. Do not bring an innocent child into this dysfunctional family dynamic. Every month there's a thread on here from someone or other who is in a family like this and having an utterly miserable time, and every time they say that the MIL has always been like this. Congratulations - you've seen the light early enough to be able to escape reasonably painlessly.

Your DP clearly puts his mum's wishes and feelings above yours. This isn't going to change. Don't stick around to get further hurt by it.

ThomasMaraJrsSubpoena · 17/12/2014 07:59

You've been together (by my calculation) since you were 20. This is a third of your life being pressurised by this man and his mum. It would be a miracle if you knew what you really want by now.

I was in some of your situation, OP (mismatch of cultural expectation was a major factor). I wasted most of my fertile years not wanting a baby because it would have been born into this kind of dynamic, which my gut knew was wrong. Almost the second I left him, I wanted a baby so badly, it would have made xDH and xMIL's heads explode.

I truly think you need to get some time to yourself to really think about what you want. Sadly, esp after nearly a decade and the aforementioned third if your life, I don't think a long weekend us going to do it.

Best of luck.

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 17/12/2014 08:25

Thanks for all the great advice. I know the termination was my decision and he had every right to be upset as did she.

Thing is I don't even know my own mind anymore. Part of me wishes that he could just say "I love you Things and I will wait until you're 100% ready before we make this step together, then I wouldn't feel so pressured. But he doesn't he just blames me for making him wait so long.

I'm probably at fault just as much as him and his mil for allowing it continue as I've been very cowardly.

OP posts:
ThomasMaraJrsSubpoena · 17/12/2014 08:53

No, OP. They might have a "right" to be saddened by the termination, by the sadness of the whole situation of you not being able to do it. But they do not have the right to be upset AT you, at "denying them" fatherhood or grandmotherhood. That's where the "breeding" concept takes on the uglier connotations.

May I ask, are you and/or the DP/MIL of the kind of background where this "breeding on demand" expectation is prevalent?

AMumInScotland · 17/12/2014 09:16

OP you may well be 'financially independent' now, but if you have a child with this man then that will no longer be the case. You will be off work for some length of time, and then you will have to consider how to combine work with childcare, or else not go back to work and rely on him to provide the only income into the household. Financial independence is only possible when you are both working and there are no other complications, beyond that it takes a lot of careful negotiation, which sounds unlikely to go well with this man.

He pushed you into getting pregnant when you weren't ready, and then he forgave you when you suffered from depression as a result and had a termination. Honestly, do you think you were the one who was in the wrong in that situation? That it was his place to forgive you? OK he wants a child, ok he was disappointed. But if the effect his selfishness had on your health wasn't a wake-up call, then I don't think anything else is going to be.

This isn't the right relationship for you.

DON'T get pregnant with him. Having a child together ties you to another person for the rest of your life, and makes it far, far harder to split up, or even to renegotiate within the relationship when things need work.

Only1scoop · 17/12/2014 09:26

When you speak of 'the last time he told her....'

Have you been pregnant more than once?

You sound under immense pressure....the 'breed imminently' comment is that what worries you? Him meeting someone else....

I'd find it very hard to forgive him for blurting out the news of your pregnancy so early to his mum. Awful.

Only1scoop · 17/12/2014 09:28

Don't be pressured by any of them Op....what a horrible way that must feel.

Original poster
thingswesaidtoday · 17/12/2014 09:38

Only1scoop No I was only pg the once, I couldn't even decide on the termination to be honest I had to get my Mum to practically hold my hand through the whole thing and he wouldn't see me for a while afterwards.

I'm worried about losing him as he is my best friend, although it does sound like we might be better suited apart when it comes to this.

He is under pressure from his Mum as he is the only one in the side of the family that doesn't have a child, i.e all of his cousins have children and council accommodation to go with it. (Not flaming them for that either just saying that's how it is for them).

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 17/12/2014 09:43

Sweetheart, your 'best friend' wouldn't treat you that way.

He may be the best you currently have. But that's not saying much.

This isn't working. That doesn't have to be about blame, but at his age if he still thinks what his mum wants is the most important thing in the world, that's not a good place for you as his partner/wife always being second best (or less). And it's a piss-poor situation to bring children into. Assuming you stayed and had children, how will you feel when what his mum wants isn't what you believe is in the best interests of your child? He will take her side in that too. He has already made it clear where you stand in the pecking order. That's not going to change.

Spadequeen · 17/12/2014 09:48

You are wrong Things, he doesn't have every right to be upset with you, you have every right to be upset with him and his mother should butt out.

He pushed you into having a baby you weren't ready for and then didn't support you when it went wrong and you did the only thing you felt able to do. This is not what a best friend does, this is not what a caring partner does, this does not sound like a man who would make a great dad.

As everyone else has said, your problem here is him, not his mother, if he was supportive of you and treated you as an equal, his mum would not be an issue, he cares more about himself and not upsetting his mum than you.

What would you suggest if a friend came to you with this issue? It's not easy and you can grieve for the man you thought you were with, the relationship you thought you had but unless he shows real change and accepts his part in the termination there really is no hope.