I think my MIL is trying to control my life?

[thingswesaidtoday]

Please bear with me as this is long.

Me and my OH been together 9 years, I'm 5 years younger than him (him being 34).

Throughout the last few years he has been pressuring me to have children but I kept saying I wasn't ready, last year I gave in and it all went disastrously wrong, I got pg, realised I wasn't ready and shouldn't have given into pressure, ended up having a termination due to antenatal depression. Before the termination had his mum come round telling me I was selfish that he was going to be an "old Dad" and that I was taking away her grandchild from her and her husband. It was horrible to say the least and I was almost suicidal afterwards.

Anyway OH wasn't happy, he forgave me we got back together and all fine now he wants to have children still and I am thinking that now I feel more ready as I'm a little bit older and hopefully a little more prepared.

But I just can't shake off the feeling that she is still getting her own way, all she does is go on about bloody babies, making me feel awkward, saying she can't wait to have a grandchild and buy the cot - a child that hasn't even been conceived yet but she is already planning my future for me and she is so overbearing!

I don't know what I'm asking really just scared that I can't stand up to her, I love my OH and think he'd make a brilliant Dad but he doesn't see how manipulative she is.

I feel like I'm being controlled but I don't know if I am? I don't know if I'm having a baby just for her?

Based on what you say, do you really think you can look forward to a happy life here?

What do you think is going to happen? She will muscle in on your child, he will side with her and you will be out in the cold until your next duty as incubator.

She's a pain now? Do you think you having a child will result in her respecting you and backing off? Or barging in and trying to control you even more?

I'm sure you love him, but you can love someone and still have an utterly miserable life with them. Sometimes love isn't enough.

And it doesn't survive years and years of them putting mummy dearest first. Believe me, nothing kills your love and respect quicker than a mama's boy.

Just think carefully about what you want and the life you are prepared to put up with for the next 50 years or so! Talk to him about it. Talk honestly about your feelings and your fears.

oh sorry, I meant to ask - do you want a child?

It's just that the language you use would suggest not and if you really are not 100% committed to having a child, then don't allow him to talk you into it.

You should not be pressured into bringing a child into the world who will look to you to be their mother. It has to be what you want.

You have the right to not want a child, either right now or ever.

Have you even read the thread, Quitelikely?

VitalStollenFix I don't know anymore really, I thought I did but all of this has drained me so much I don't even know what I want as all I have is her telling me what I want!

I don't know part of me thought that if we became a family he would finally become a man and not be in her clutches so much.

You can't use a child to change somebody OP. A baby can't be a sticking plaster for the problems in your relationship. Having children can be tough. You need somebody who is going to support you through thick and thin, not go running telling tales to mummy every 5 minutes.

If she speaks at/to you about it, then you need to point out to her that you were not born purely to birth grandchildren for her to parade about. Make it clear that you are an autonomous person and she needs to fuck back off with the pressure.

If she's reasonable, she'll see sense. If not, then at least she'll be in no doubt that you've had enough.

That just leaves your DP to deal with. I have a feeling that will be a lot more tricky and, of course, there's a lot more at stake.

Then don't make a decision right now.

Tell her to back off because it is affecting your ability to make a decision.

Tell your partner the same.

If they cannot respect you now, what makes you think it will ever be different?

I'd say please have a good think about the whole situation.

I don't think he realises how big a responsibility it is to have a child as she seems to have brainwashed him into thinking it's all smiles and giggles. I know how tough it will be which is why I didn't want to feel forced into it.

She will never change end of. If I split with OH she will try and set him up with someone else who will breed imminently.

I don't want this to sound horrible - but would it be such a terrible thing if you split?

Someone who wants kids will always want kids. And in those relationships generally for it to survive, its the ambivalent person who ends up capitulating.

And since his mother is unlikely to stop being overinvolved, and you are highly unlikely to ever be OK with that dynamic - is this relationship right for you?

So what if the MIL tries to get him with someone who wants a baby immediately - it sounds like thats what he wants too!

Meanwhile you're still young enough to figure this stuff out in your own time, with no pressure. At 34 I was adamant I didn't want kids. At 38 I had changed 180 degrees, and at 39 I had a baby. But it took that long for that reversal to take place. Not overnight.

Yes you might be right there Anna actually what you're saying does make sense.

I'm sorry op you can't blame your mil for a termination. You had it because you wanted to.

I have has massive mil problems so not unsympathetic but you can't blame a termination on her. Just like no one can force you to have one or keep a baby. We are in charge of our own bodies.

You don't want a baby and I think your putting all the excuses on her.

It would be a disaster if you got pregnant again as you probably would feel the same way and possibly do the same - which actually isn't very fair on your self OR your dp.

Screw what his mum is like and be honest with your self and dp.

Breed ??? Is that what you think women who have children do?

If a man had posted that on here there would have been uproar.

op from your last post I think you would be doing your dp a huge favour by leaving him.

I don't think your DP deserves as much flak as everyone is giving him. He wanted a baby, you agree and got pregnant and then decided to terminate. That's all fine, you did nothing wrong but he would obvs be upset and it wouldn't be right for him to have been speaking to you about as it would have made you feel guilty so why couldn't he turn to his mum?

He was being a dick to have let her have a go though. But he's not being a dick not want a baby.

I would seriously give it a bit longer. You need to really want a child. My first instinct about mil is run for the hills. i may be projecting

santa why wouldn't you see having offspring as breeding? Our desire to have children is no different than every other species, it's just biology wanting to continue our genes. There is nothing wrong with the word "breed".

I didn't mean to offend with the word 'breed' and by no means am I blaming him or her for the termination, that was all my own doing and definitely my decision so I'm not blaming them for that.

Was more about the pressure she has put on me but I see in this case it may be is because she knows it is what her son wants. Maybe I have a bit of growing up to do before becoming a mother.

Maybe, just maybe, you ARE ready to have a child, but not with him?

Things I hope you don't mind but I'm going to tell you a bit about my history.

There are also 5 years between DH and I - I was 17 when we got together (now been together for 14 years). Within 3 weeks of us getting together, (now) FIL began going on and on about me giving up college, moving in with/marrying (now) DH (these happened in 2006/2009 respectively) and having dc (now pg with dc1).

According to both him and mil, a woman's place is in the home - housework, childbearing etc.

To say that there has been a little friction over the years is the understatement of the millennium. DH and I were and always have been on (at least) similar pages - he stood up to his parents when they had beaten me down. I don't think they have ever forgiven me for asking their son to obtain a backbone

We now have very little to do with them (DH's choice, plus they can't be bothered). If DH had still been in their clutches, there is no doubt about it - we would have split up before the year was out.

I think what I'm trying to say is that, if you have a future, you need to work together and protect each other from the outside world. Now that could be protection from anyone and in any form - physically, mentally, emotionally. If you are going to function as a family then you need to function as a unit. And that means that, if MIL is pressuring you, he has to stand up for you.

If he doesn't, then are you really sure this is the type of man you actually want to have a family with?

Really cheese ? I like to think women differ than dogs but if your happy with being minimised all the way down to an animal breeding then go ahead. A lot more women aspire to much bigger things than just bring here to 'breed' . Misogyny at it's best.

OP, are you and OH married? This is a separate point to the ones other posters have made (and I agree with - he needs agree unilaterally to protect you from his mother if you're going to have children together), but if you're going to stop work/go on maternity leave you need to make sure you're financially protected, as unless you're married if you split then you won't get an equal share of the assets.

things it seems to me that you've lost track of what you want; you've been pressured for years.

If you were male and it was your partner posting, the view would be to take you at your word. You've said you didn't want children; you 'gave in' and then felt it was so wrong you had a termination

Im sorry but that was a lot of pressure you were under, to make the decision to have a child when you felt so strongly that you weren't ready that in the end you had to go for a termination. Pressure from him.

Your MIL just made it worse. "you're selfish" and "he's going to be an old dad" and "you're taking my grandson away" is a fricking insane way of talking to her DIL.

You've told your partner what you want, and it's unfair of him to have pressured you and you seem confused and not fully ready even now.

I think you need to take a very hard look at him and at her both and at what you both actually want. You need space to find your own desires, because being pressured into being a parent is wrong for either a man or a woman. Especially if you feel he doesn't see the reality of it. You sound like you have your feet on the ground much more than him.

Meerka that's exactly what it is, I can't see the wood for the trees anymore really. I've been told what to do by both of them but I don't know how I really feel as I've not been given that chance. I think the insecurity of not being able to stand up for myself is all related to this as is the inability to make my own decisions.

stackladys we are not married no, I'm financially independent too.

I actually agree with the use of the word "breed". Breed is just to produce offspring, it isn't offensive. When applied to humans there is a difference between breeding and being a parent though, any man or woman can breed, but not everybody is suitable as a parent (or not yet suitable to be a parent).
I think what OP meant is that her MIL will try to encourage him to find somebody who will have a child as soon as possible regardless of other factors. Not somebody who wants to build a stable relationship, life, home, family etc first.

OP is this a situation where MiL wants a child to raise with DP and that's pretty much where he's seeing it too - she has him as a sort of surrogate spouse? Or is he interested in parenting and being a family with YOU?

You absolutely need time and space to figure out what you want and need, maybe its worth finding a counsellor to help with that? And also to talk to DP about if he really wants for you two to have a child together you need him to sort out a healthier set of boundaries with his mother and maintain them with you. That might give you a feel for whether this is something that can be worked through.

things, it sounds like you need space to kind of centre yourself again. To be able to think clearly.

Is there any chance of taking that?

It really sounds essential. YOu can't be railroaded into having a child. It's not right and frankly, if someone is pushed into having a baby, there's a chance you will always resent the baby ... and the baby should be fully wanted and fully loved.

Wait until YOU are ready.