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Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

77 replies

lquinny · 14/12/2014 09:32

Hi there

I found out on friday that my husband of 5 years (together 10 years) with two children 4 and 2 has been having relations online with 3 other women along with sending explicit photos of himself and getting them back.
He swears he hasnt met them and hasnt physically cheated.

I am devestated. my heart is broken in a million pieces. He is sorry and i do believe him but I dont know what i should do whats best for me and my children.

Our sex life hasnt been great as 2 years ago i had cervical cancer and i have alot of emotional and psycological issues surrounding sex because of the pain and the place where the cancer was.

I need to know my options if i do leave.
We rent so no money between us just a car really.

Any advice would be massively appreciated

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 09:44

Well it depends if you think you deserve more than a cheating man? Surely sending messages and pics is enough, but then I am sure if he hasn't met anyone it won't be for want of trying?

FolkGirl · 14/12/2014 09:49

As I have said many times on here, I dumped my husband for discovering less than this and went on to find there was much more.

I felt I deserved better than someone who would do that. I think you probably do, too.

victorianhomedreamer · 14/12/2014 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minmooch · 14/12/2014 09:52

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry op but I'd get myself to a solicitor for a free 30 min consultation with as much info as possible so you know where you stand financially with regards child/spousal maintenance. To know that you can live independently from this man will give you a secure base from which to make your next decisions. There are ways of discussing a sex life/lack of, especially when it is related to an illness, without resorting to women outside the marriage, on the internet or in real life. Start from a position of strength, know you can live and manage without this man, and then see if he does what he needs to do if you want to stay in the marriage.

BeeOrchid · 14/12/2014 09:57

Her husband has had a lot to contend with????

OP I would second minmooch's excellent advice.

I'm sorry for your devastation and pain, caused by your husband's actions. I hope you have some RL support, but the support here on MN is brilliant.

Thanks
FolkGirl · 14/12/2014 09:57

victorian I'm going to be kind because you've only been on here a week... but her husband has had a lot to contend with..?! Seriously?
Give it 6 months and you will understand why your thinking is just so, so wrong.

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 09:58

So a man who has a lot to contend with can be forgiven for cheating?? Bloody hell - heard it all now!

Spousal maintenance is incredibly unlikely, but I agree about solicitor.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 10:13

Thank you.

I am completely numb to this.
I never ever thought he would do this to me. He has warned me that he has needs and that he may go elsewhere but I didn't think he would.

I Wouldnt know where to start with a solicitor. We have no savings at all.

We both work but I work part-time. What is spousal maintenance?

OP posts:
AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 14/12/2014 10:21

"Your husband has had a lot to contend with and I think many people faced with a lifetime of compromised intimacy at so young an age may have freaked out themselves"

Not quite as much as the OP has had to contend with - a life threatening illness with 2 young children.

He has needs? So do you. The need to know that the man you live with is adult enough to love and support you through tough times.

Where infidelity is concerned, it would appear that in general the only time it can be healed, is where the partner who was unfaithful (and what he did is infidelity, whether it's physical or not) takes complete and absolute responsibility for his or her behaviour. Your husband doesn't sound like he has done that - he's blaming you for "going elsewhere". That's not hopeful in terms of re-building a trusting relationship.

You need to be realistic: being a single mother in the circumstances you are in, does mean poverty and social stigma, but the alternative is to be with a man who doesn't respect you and has so little empathy and solidarity with you that when you have just been through a horrendous, life-threatening experience, all he can think about is his "needs". I think you deserve a lot better, Love, there are very few people in the world who don't. Flowers

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 10:25

He warned you he had needs? While you have been unwell he has been behaving like an entitled arse.

Bloody hell, he sounds foul. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself does he. I think you need to stop talking to him or trying to get the truth and ask him to leave. Give yourself time and space.

Child maintenance is what an ex pays you for upkeep of the children, spousal maintenance is what a man pays an ex wife to keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Unless he is a squillionaire it doesn't happen very often.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/12/2014 10:25

Spousal maintenance is what it sounds like: he pays you a sum so you can manage sole care of the children. That's in addition to the child-support he will be obliged to pay you. Kindly note that CM is not taken into consideration when calculating any benefits you might be entitled to, like working tax credits when you work 16 a hours a week or more. Spousal maintenance is not always granted, even to women with sole care of their children.

He warned you that he might go elsewhere when you're the one who has suffered a serious and very possibly devastating illness? What about your needs? For a supportive and considerate spouse? Blackmailing arsehole!

I'm very sorry, but for me it wouldn't matter whether he's actually physically betrayed me or not. Sending pictures of his dick to women he doesn't know would be it for me.

He's a selfish and inadequate prick and deserves to be given the old heave-ho. You might feel entirely differently, as is your right.

wallaby73 · 14/12/2014 10:29

He's "warned you" that he "has needs" and might "go elsewhere"?? Ffs, in the kindest way, you have had cancer. I'm sure his upset is at being found out and seeing your resultant distress, as in the reality of what he's done......which he wouldn't have had to face had he not been found out....i'm so sorry, you've faced a life threatening and life changing illness, and this is how he reacts? You deserve so, so much better....xx

NameChange30 · 14/12/2014 10:29

"He has warned me that he has needs and that he may go elsewhere"

Leave the bastard.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/12/2014 10:31

Angel, have a look on the "entitled to.co.uk" website and plug your income into that. It will give you an understanding of what top-up benefits you might get.

Living separately might mean a reduction in living standards for you and your children but being free of this totally selfish arsehole and vile pervert might be a small compensation.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 10:46

I just keep thinking of my children.
He is such a good dad. Apart from this We have been getting on fine.
When asked he said there is no excuse for it and agrees it's cheating.

How do I find a solicitor to find out my options?

Thank u for all ur advice

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 10:47

I found working part time and claiming working tax credits I was better off than living with a man who squandered all our money on beer and no strings websites. At least now I know where every penny goes.

And the peace of mind of not living with a man who treats you with contempt and thinks women are just a commodity which he can use when he sees fit and then discard when he is bored is worth more than any money in the bank.

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 10:48

And darling, I am sorry, but a man who treats the mother of his children in this way is not, and never has been, a good dad.

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 14/12/2014 10:48

I think Victorianhomes comment has been taken out of context a bit. I think she was trying to say that, whilst of course, the majority of horrendous difficulty is on the OPs shoulders, her DH is also experiencing having to come to terms with a life of perhaps considerable reduced sexual intimacy possibly for the rest of his married life.

Right or wrong, that is a difficult concept to come to terms with for anyone with a normal sex drive. Especially if they are both young. Helping a partner through cancer can be immensely stressful. I don't think it should be dismissed that what the OP's partner did is a negative way of dealing with a challenging issue. Doesn't excuse his behaviour, but needn't in view of everything, necessitate divorce either.

O.P. have you and your partner had relationship counselling or support since your diagnosis? If not you need to talk about getting some help.

Course I'm assuming DH has been supportive through everything.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 10:54

He has yes been very supportive and took it really bad,went on antidepressants because of it. This is why I'm so shocked in a way as he has on part been a great husband?

OP posts:
Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 11:01

I have had sexual counselling but not relationship counselling.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 14/12/2014 11:20

Not sure that if the man I loved was facing a serious/potentially terminal illness that my first consideration would be my future sex life... and if it were, I wouldn't be seeking out sexual gratification online... and if I were, then I'd be being a faithless arse.

Loving partners communicate with their spouses. They don't cheat.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 11:37

ive had a look at entitled to (im at work at the moment so only so much i can do)
and its really confusing all these tax things and credits. ive never claimed and never thought i would need to? so this is all new to me and its mind boggling.
I want to make an informed choice as at the moment i am scared that me and the kids wont be financially ok without him as i earn pittance. So i dont want to just stay with him out of fear of not having a place to live i want to know i have a choice?

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 11:40

have a look at the child maintenance calculator too. This would be in addition to child and working tax credits. For the entitled to website you just put in your own annual salary and how many children you have.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 11:46

So you were battling cancer and rather than support you, he had online affairs? I'm sorry you've had so much to deal with, but he's an unworthy arse.

For me I wouldn't give a shit whether he'd physically cheated or not, any illicit behaviour with other women is a deal breaker for me. I'd never do it and I hold my husband to the same high standards I have for myself. Deal breaker.

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 14/12/2014 12:01

I think its worth having relationship counselling before you rush into anything.

Does he actually want a divorce? Are the issues ever likely to change?