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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

77 replies

lquinny · 14/12/2014 09:32

Hi there

I found out on friday that my husband of 5 years (together 10 years) with two children 4 and 2 has been having relations online with 3 other women along with sending explicit photos of himself and getting them back.
He swears he hasnt met them and hasnt physically cheated.

I am devestated. my heart is broken in a million pieces. He is sorry and i do believe him but I dont know what i should do whats best for me and my children.

Our sex life hasnt been great as 2 years ago i had cervical cancer and i have alot of emotional and psycological issues surrounding sex because of the pain and the place where the cancer was.

I need to know my options if i do leave.
We rent so no money between us just a car really.

Any advice would be massively appreciated

OP posts:

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 18:46

I keep imagining what lquinny's husband would have said, and how these replies would look, if the enforced lack of sex due to her cancer had driven her to engage in online sexy stuff. And hidden it from her husband.

Joysmum · 14/12/2014 18:49

2 years of not a great sex life led the husband to be concerned enough to raise the subject in the past and he wasn't taken seriously.

Of course it's never ok to do what he's done and I'd kick him out too, but the signs were there and not addressed sufficiently when he raised them.

If he's not happy he should have ended it rather than cheat.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 18:54

He probably didn't want to end it on the pretext of a poor sex life with a wife who had cervical cancer, Joy! Hardly makes him look good, does it?

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 19:20

Patch, you are simply lending weight yo my concerns. His feelings were not important to her when he expressed his thoughts on the matter, in turn her feelings were not important, then she is being advised to continue the cycle. So what is the point to this then?

Joysmum, you've made the point better than I have

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 19:28

This is not about a poor man who doesn't get much sex - fgs, it is about a man who is a liar and a cheat.

Ridiculous. How could you possibly have pity for him. I thought marriage vows were in sickness and in health - not until you get sick and I will get my jollies online rather than talking to my wife and finding a solution. He doesn't deserve her pity or co-operation. He lost any rights when he gave himself permission to be unfaithful - don't you get it?

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 19:52

Pity? I wasn't aware that I have or even expressed pity for him.

You appear suggest that she should bury her head in the sand with regards to what he has said about their sex life. That she should give no regards to his feelings and then? He will now care about her feelings even more than ever? If the OP wants to continue this relationship then that approach is unlikely to work. The two would have to get to a place of compromise that respects the sanctity of marriage.

OP can also leave and not waste her time playing mind games.

Whatever she decides she should consider what is best for her. That does not mean she cannot give due consideration to her husband's feelings.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 20:02

All I'm seeing here is that if I'm ever selfish enough to suffer an illness I must remember to keep putting out, even if it's painful, in case my poor husband is forced to go elsewhere.

He could have masturbated. He didn't need to interact with real women.

I haven't said LTB (though I probably would), but I think she has every right to put his guilty feelings to one side to process his actions, so she can be clear on what she wants to do. There's no point forgiving on the basis of relenting to his tears, if ultimately she'll never really get over it. If she forgives, it needs to be for better reasons than that or they'll both be more hurt in the long run.

Joysmum · 14/12/2014 20:07

All I'm seeing here is that if I'm ever selfish enough to suffer an illness I must remember to keep putting out, even if it's painful, in case my poor husband is forced to go elsewhere

You're in a shit marriage if that's what you think.

I see it more about a issue of communication and each person's feelings being worked through, appreciated and adressed. Something it's not clear from the OP that's happened here and that's sad.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 20:35

2 years ago i had cervical cancer and i have alot of emotional and psychological issues surrounding sex because of the pain and the place where the cancer was.

He went on antidepressants because of it

He has warned me that he has needs and that he may go elsewhere

I have had sexual counselling

He has been having relations online with 3 other women along with sending explicit photos of himself and getting them back.

They have communicated.

It seems to have gone along the lines that his wife's illness made him feel unhappy, and he was even more unhappy that the sex didn't come back as soon as the cancer went. Anxious to make him feel happy, she sought sex therapy but, results again being too slow for H, he threatened her that he's look elsewhere if she didn't put out. She was still distressed and anxious (unsurprisingly) so he went elsewhere.

I feel they have both communicated quite clearly on the matter. H, in particular, seems to have communicated his wishes and threats most effectively.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 20:38

Let's leave my marriage out of it eh? I was obviously being sarcastic.

The point I was making is what the hell was she supposed to do if sex was painful? Carry on regardless?

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 20:38

... and he's communicated his wishes to at least 3 other women, as well as OP.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 20:41

Quite, Windy. I can't imagine Joysmum failed to get that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 20:45

Garlic has it

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 21:19

I'm sure she didn't Garlic.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 21:50

So after all this, what should the OP do? Leave? Stay?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 21:51

She should make him leave.

Original poster

lquinny · 14/12/2014 22:09

Thanks for all ur replies.

Yes we had discussed it before and I had gone to sex therapy to work through my issues and even tho it hurt we had sex not loads but we did and it hurt for days after, we had other intimacy in between.

His sister's have contacted me and expressed how sorry they are which means a lot.

I have to do what's best for me and the kids but right this moment I don't know what is

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 22:12

Doing "what's best for you" does not mean being with a bloke who is happy to penetrate you even though it hurts for days afterwards

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 22:18

Oh you poor love. You've been through a lot and you don't need to put pressure on yourself to make a final decision right away. Take some time, without him, to decide what you really want.

AF and Garlic are right with everything they've said though, IMO.

If what you say is true about trying to have sex and intimacy in other ways (and I have no reason to doubt that) I wonder if he would have done this anyway. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 14/12/2014 22:31

". For the dc's sake you've got to see if you can work it out"

No, you don't.

You too have a life and you don't have to have any relationship you don't want to have. Your DCs benefit from being in a happy, functional, respectful family. Learning that if that's not what's on offer you can walk away and you don't have to cling on to a relationship where you have no respect from your partner, is an incredibly valuable gift to give your kids. No child benefits from having an unhealthy relationship role-modelled to them.

Also fuck's sake people - it has been two years, not ten. And she has been ill, FFS. What sort of low opinion of men do you have? Honest to god, he is lucky he still has his wife, that she is still here. A kind, decent, normal man wouldn't be worrying about putting his penis where it causes only pain, so that he can get his jollies. Would any of you think you were entitled to have sex with your husband if it caused him days of pain afterwards and added to his difficulty in recovering from an illness? Would you even want to? Don't you have more love and respect and tenderness for him? Don't you expect the same for yourselves and for the OP?

Honestly, what sort of person thinks it's OK to put their partner who is in pain, through more pain just so they can orgasm? Do people really think that's someone who is worth working to save a relationship with? Are people's expectations of men really that low? I'm slightly incredulous here.

Queenofwands · 14/12/2014 23:24

I'm was about to post my Grandmothers advice..."It doesn't eat grass and if they are not doing it at home, they are doing it somewhere". I can assure you it was said with much contempt. I did feel for the husband and I understand that many men get their affection from sex and draw from it especially when they are upset. Then I read that he had piv sex with you when he knew it hurt for days afterwards before and you were intimate with him as well. I then thought what a vile man. OP I hope you leave him but kick him out for Xmas at least. Selfish shit.

Queenofwands · 14/12/2014 23:38

I remember being 21 and in hospital. They sent me down to a gynae clinic for an ultrasound on my ovaries. Whilst I was waiting a woman who seemed old to me but was in her 30's probably, had just had laser therapy on her cervix. She turned to the people in the waiting room who we're chatting and said "the dr has said no sex for 6 weeks" .... " I told her that's easy for you to say...my husband is a lorry driver... How can I tell him he can't have sex!" She was serious.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 00:10

I used to work on a postnatal ward. One day the midwives had to call security to a guy that pulled the curtains round his partner's bed who had just given birth that day. He said he "had waited long enough". There are men like this. Men who think they should have access to a woman's body no matter how uncomfortable, painful or downright dangerous it could be for her.

Queenofwands · 15/12/2014 02:08

OMG...my Mum spent a lot of time in Maternity hospitals ( bed rest) and she said this was a regular occurrence. All the women on the ward would scream and drag them off. I thought she was winding me up. What lives did some poor women live behind closed doors.

HelenaDove · 15/12/2014 02:24

OP he had PIV sex with you even though he knew it hurt. The man is beyond vile.

And the maternity hospital occurences. Jesus wept. I cant think of anything else to say.

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