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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

77 replies

lquinny · 14/12/2014 09:32

Hi there

I found out on friday that my husband of 5 years (together 10 years) with two children 4 and 2 has been having relations online with 3 other women along with sending explicit photos of himself and getting them back.
He swears he hasnt met them and hasnt physically cheated.

I am devestated. my heart is broken in a million pieces. He is sorry and i do believe him but I dont know what i should do whats best for me and my children.

Our sex life hasnt been great as 2 years ago i had cervical cancer and i have alot of emotional and psycological issues surrounding sex because of the pain and the place where the cancer was.

I need to know my options if i do leave.
We rent so no money between us just a car really.

Any advice would be massively appreciated

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 12:10

who cares if he wants a divorce? Blimey, is all about him and his wants and needs isn't it. Poor little soldier huh?

OP I would get counselling for yourself to help you realise how much you are worth, and also to see how little he is worth.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/12/2014 12:29

If he was missing PIV-style sexual intimacy there would have been ways around it if only YOU HAD TALKED ABOUT IT properly together. But no, he made a direct and unequivocal threat to get his wants and needs satisfied elsewhere instead.

These are not the actions of a loving and supportive life-partner helping his other half come to terms with a radical and quite possibly permanent change in their lives.

I have a suspicion that he'd likely have turned to being a pervy twat regardless of your illness. He's just happy to find a stick to beat you with and make you take all of the blame for his actions.

I doubt that he's sorry to have betrayed you in such a tawdry way, he's just sorry for himself for having been caught.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 14:30

hes now told his dad. i want him to leave just so i can even have some space but hes crying saying he is scared that if he goes he cant come back.
i feel weak when hes crying as i obviously still have feelings for him and arent normally a horrid person and i feel like a nasty person teloing him to leave the home away from our children but for me? i feel i need some space some thinking time and to know what my next step is and my rights?

OP posts:
Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 14:31

ive not even shouted ive been calm. hes saying im not passionate about us as im not slamming doors throwing things etc but thats not me?
Im not that type of person, im hurt im burned and im in pain.

OP posts:
Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 14:33

He wasn't crying when he was interacting with these women, he's only crying because he got caught. Don't worry about how he's feeling, he didn't worry about how you'd feel. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. Give he's bleating on at you about how upset he is, I think some space to think clearly would help you

Rebecca2014 · 14/12/2014 14:53

Has he met up with them? do you think he has?

If there has been no sex in 2 years, maybe this was just a sexual fantasy?

When I was with my ex, I created an dating profile while we were together. No photos exchanged or meets up but I was very lonely and it was my outlet to make myself feel I was attractive.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all but if he hasn't met up with them and been a good man to you and your kids then maybe counselling?

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 14:56

Sorry, but tears is tough. He wasn't thinking of his kids when he was up to no good. I don't care if there was no sex for 10 years - he has betrayed you and he has to go. Time to harden your heart and be tough. He is only upset because you found out. There is no excuse for what he has done.

somewhatavoidant · 14/12/2014 15:04

Relationship counselling is essential to work through the issues and see what can be done/salvaged. For the dc's sake you've got to see if you can work it out. In an ideal world everyone would be faithful no matter what but it's often the case that if someone is not having their sexual desires/needs met at home, they will look to have them satisfied elsewhere. It's not right or fair but it does happen a lot. I hope you can work it out OPThanks

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 15:06

Tbh, I think your psychological issues around sex will get a lot worse if you try to make a go of your marriage after this. He's piled emotional injury on top of the other stuff.

Decent men have supported their marriages through health crises lasting much longer than 2 years. It's shocking that he sees you as a faulty service to his 'needs' - and, call me old-fashioned, but I'd find his choice of cheating mode extra sleazy. I've certainly lost all respect for him, and I bet yours will be going the same way!

Just fill in the EntitledTo calculator as if you were living in the same home, doing the same job, as you are now. Estimate your childcare costs as realistically as you can. Then have another go with no job at all - this will show you both your worst-case scenarios. CSA isn't counted as income, so any he does pay will be extra.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/12/2014 15:06

He is crying because he has been caught, not out of regret.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 15:08

What is all this about sexual needs?! Have some posters never heard of masturbation? Hint: It's what sane people do when no appropriate partner is available for sex.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 15:09

Somewhatavoidant - SHE HAD CANCER TREATMENT FFS!

victorianhomedreamer · 14/12/2014 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lquinny · 14/12/2014 15:49

Thank u everyone for the advice

He's not cheated on me in real life no as far as I believe it's just online with photos and videos. But to me it's very very close to the real thing.

I've asked him again to stay at his dad's at least till Tuesday which is when our son is in his nativity play and I wouldn't ever stop him seeing his children.

OP posts:
victorianhomedreamer · 14/12/2014 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 16:17

If your husband feels he cannot live a life without sexual intimacy and he has communicated that to you then at dome point you need to acknowledge that. Saying that you buried your head in the sand and thought that he never would do anything is not fair to him or to you.

Clearly this is not a situation you want yo be in. He has laid his cards on the table. Hard to comes terms with but you must acknowledge how he feels and his outlook. Then decide what is best for you. If you cannot get over the betrayal and if you cannot see yourself anytime soon become regularly intimate then call it quits. Don't torture yourself or him. The two of you are on different pages and if the two cannot reach a workable compromise that is respectful to the marriage then the answer is straightforward - it's over.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 16:59

MoRaw - This isn't a simple case of the wife forcing celibacy on her DH, she's had cancer treatment. Any caring person would put their partner's needs first if that partner is fighting a serious illness.

OP I think some time to yourself will be good for you. He needs to keep his histrionics in check until you decide what you want to do.

Joysmum · 14/12/2014 16:59

MoRaw that was my thoughts too but was wondering how to express them.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 17:53

Windy, I did not imply that it us simply a case of anything. We can say he should be this way or could be that way. The problem is he is not behaving as you or OP expects. So then what? Beat him into submission? That would only be a temporary fix. He has said he does not want to live a celibate life. Not acknowledging this is fruitless. How can a solution be found or clear decisions be made about the future of this relationship if this issue is not confront? Just because he is not behaving as expected does it means his feelings are not important or not worth acknowledging? I simply cannot understand how OP can make an informed decision about her future by ignoring what her husband had said. One way or the other, this issue is at the heart of whether they can have a happy future together.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 17:55

Lots of typos but I hope the above is reasonably clear.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 18:07

Well I don't think him moping around crying is helping anyone, so I think some space for OP to think about what she wants is vital here.

I don't think his feelings are all that important right now, because he's offloading his guilt onto her by crying and being pathetic. OP needs to be clear about what she wants.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 18:27

His feelings are not important? Really? Why? OP has to look at the situation and do what is in her own interest. However, her husband's feelings are important too. If they are not important to her, then I would assume that this relationship is unlikely to stand the test of time.

MoRaw · 14/12/2014 18:28

... her best interest.

Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 18:39

Her feelings were not important to him whilst he was looking elsewhere - why on earth should she afford him the same courtesy now??

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 18:41

Exactly Patchwork!

Also, why should she have to deal with his guilt. Surely it's not unreasonable for OP to have some time to process this!