adult son at home no job no money no prospects - making me ill

[bevy2603]

its Saturday night 8pm and i have just had an argument with my DH! He has just found out that I have quietly given our 24 year old son £30 so that he can go out for a beer to the local pub with friends! Quietly because he would have disapproved and made it difficult! He is my son first born from first marriage, unfortunately he has been pretty much unemployed for the last 18months. He more or less spends 20 hours a day in his room barely talks to us and tells me he feels depressed! I naturally worry about him and try to help where I can and when asked on the rare occasions! He tells me he applies every day for work and has tried several temp jobs. He is an amazing cook but not qualified and a recent kitchen spell ended when he was diagnosed with sciatica! My husband says he is lazy and all the while I am giving money he doesn't need to find a job! Dan didn't ask me tonight for money I offered because I couldn't bear to see him in alone again for another weekend!

Am I really doing more harm than good? I probably give him some money may be twice a month never any more than £30! Sometimes I don't offer at all and he very rarely asks me - he always looks embarrassed when he takes it!

Thank you

I've got one as well Bevy. He has got a diagnosis of depression and treatment. It's fucking tough. I'm glad I'm not a young person right now.

Oh for godsake. Your husband is being unreasonable. Sounds like your son is going through a rough patch, and I would absolutely give him 30 quid to spend some time with his friends.

Other posters' suggestions have been good. He needs to sort out his health and benefits, and he needs to get out of the house and start doing something, even if it's a course. Staying all day in his room is not going to help his prospects or his mental health.

I'd spend some time helping him look sideways - if he can't stand for long periods then he can't cook, fair enough, but there are loads of jobs around and about food. Even blogging 'what I'm having for tea' will build his confidence and get him 'out there'.

I would do that AND give him beer money, tbh.

I'd have done the same - he sounds like a lovely lad who needs support. You're DH is being a dick.

What kind of work did he do before?
I think for someone of 24 they are really going to struggle if they have few qualifications. What was his level of education and can he build on this? If he loves cooking have you and he looked into catering courses at your local colleges of further ed?
He really needs to think longer term about a career and not just finding any old job- though any old job would be better than none. When my DCs first came out of uni - with MSc degrees- they both worked in pubs and cafes just to support themselves, so I find it hard to believe he can't find anything. Most local pubs and cafes always need staff.

Re. his sciatica, have you thought about pursuing private treatment such as acupuncture or osteopathy? Both might work and certainly worth trying. Sciatica is painful- I had it during pregnancy- but it should still be possible for him to work- if he can sit in his room he can sit at a desk and do something that pays money or teaches him new skills.

I don't think it was wrong of you to give him money for a night out- but I do think you are setting the bar way too low re. his future employment prospects and he needs some firm encouragement to get some qualifications and a career path if he is ever to be able to live independently.

I think it would have done him good to get out for an evening.

Has he applied for call centre work? Get to sit down and usually don't need too much in the way of qualifications, just as long as he can talk to people sensibly and operate a computer.

I think you did the right thing too.

If he could be out of the house doing anything routine at the moment it would be of benefit, could he dog walk for people? Do any kind of light exercise?

It sounds like your between a rock and a hard place what exactly does your partner expect your son to do which he isn't doing already?

Name change to not out myself. Vitamin B12 used to be used for sciatica until Big Pharma took over. B vitamins help with depression. Vitamin D levels are low in many people and cause all manner of ills. I was recomended to have steroid injections for joint and muscle pain by my GP . When my Vitamin D levels were checked and found to be very low Iow I was prescribed high doses of Vit D3. My levels are normal and I no longer have any pain. My lethargy and mild depression seems to have lifted too.

Poor boy. He is trying right? If he is trying then that is all you can ask of him.

I'm sure he feels like a failure since his brothers are at university.

Could he apply to do an access course at college then go to uni himself? The course only takes a year to complete.

Failed name change oh well

Is there any voluntary work he could do. He must feel awful right now

Definitely agree with vit b and vit d for the depression.
Ds suffers from S.A.D and has been really ill with depression. The vitamins make a difference - he is taking about 3 times the recommended dose ATM, and slowly he is beginning to feel better.
He also has a light box which helps.

Is your Ds doing sciatica specific exercises?
His GP could refer him to a back pain class, or physio, or, if you can possibly afford it, he could have a session with an osteopath.

Also - is his bed/mattress in good condition?

Has he had his feet checked? This is well worth doing because foot problems are a major cause of back pain and orthotics can help.

Sciatica in a young person should be taken very seriously because it can become a life long, painful condition, which can impact quality of life and career opportunities.

The info you've given re benefits isn't right, I'm not sure what you mean about tax credits? He'd never have been entitled to tax credits, as he's under 25 without any dependants
? He is entitled to claim income based JSA though as he's single so it doesn't matter if he's paid enough NI or not. There is no point in going into the jobcentre, he has to make his claim on line through gov.uk. He needs to do this today. If he goes to the jobcentre he will be told to go and claim on line so he'll have a wasted journey I'm afraid.
Alternatively if his GP signs him off with a med cert he should claim ESA.
Hope this is useful to you and things pick up for him.
I'd be slipping him the odd £30 too.

Sciatica exercises:

lie on the floor on a soft surface like an exercise mat or rug.
Keep shoulders on the floor as flat as possible.
Pull one knee up to your chest and "hug it" then straighten your leg again. Repeat with the other leg. Then pull both knees up to your chest and "hug". then straighten.

Keeping shoulders on the floor, bend your knees up and gently rotate at the waist so your knees almost touch the floor on one side, then bring them up to the centre again and gently rotate the other way so your knees almost touch the floor on the other side.

Bring them back to the centre and repeat the knee chest routine as before.

Never sit up straight from a horizontal position - always shuffle and roll onto your side, then sit up.

If using a computer or sitting at a desk, use a proper office chair that swivels and can be height adjusted.

Use an ice pack wrapped in a towel to put on the lower back.

Wear the softest, squishiest air filled sole trainers you can find.

DON'T lie in bed using a lap top. sit properly at a table or desk.

All these things will help the sciatica.

Is there a potential small business idea in there somewhere? Cooking dinner for people at their homes on occasion? I should think that what your son does for you in this respect is certainly worth the beer money. Don't feel bad about that.
It's incredibly hard for young people to get on the career ladder and feeling low ( and in pain by the sound of it) doesn't help. I would say sorting out his sciatica is a priority. Can you go private? Then maybe a catering qualification and cooking for friends and family in the mean time to keep his skills up. Good luck with it all.

I knew someone who used to offer a dinner party service.
She would cook the whole meal and take it round to the client's house.
She had quite a good little business going.
I guess there would be a whole load of EU rules around that now, but maybe it would be possible to do if the client bought the ingredients and it was all cooked in their home?

It took ds1 8 months to find a job after finishing uni. He too spent a lot of time in his room and I was worried that he was becoming depressed. I used to give him beer money and would do so again - a night out with his mates every week gave him something to look forward to.

I hope things improve soon for your ds, OP, it really is tough out there for young people these days.

How does your DH treat him generally?
Are your younger sons your DH's ?

Does he treat them differently?

He sounds like a good lad, he probably could do with a bit of encouragement re voluntary work or training but your dh sounds unfairly unsympathetic given the poor lad had a painful back condition.

is it possible he has been thrown off benefits/sanctioned and doesnt want to say? v common now esp with depression as he might have missed appointments. he might need more help navigating the benefits system/appealing decisions etc

I'd give him 30 every week if he cooked a lovely meal for me each day.
Your DH is being U.

I suggest a McTimoney chiropractor and good quality multi vits formulated for men.

Don't give up hope.

I have found a free London course for customer service (he worked 3 years for an energy company) and he is keen - also found a fork lift drivers course which he is interested in but this costs!!!
Getting him to reapply online for jsa tomorrow!
Thank you for all your support and constructive comments x keep you posted !

Good luck to him