adult son at home no job no money no prospects - making me ill

[bevy2603]

its Saturday night 8pm and i have just had an argument with my DH! He has just found out that I have quietly given our 24 year old son £30 so that he can go out for a beer to the local pub with friends! Quietly because he would have disapproved and made it difficult! He is my son first born from first marriage, unfortunately he has been pretty much unemployed for the last 18months. He more or less spends 20 hours a day in his room barely talks to us and tells me he feels depressed! I naturally worry about him and try to help where I can and when asked on the rare occasions! He tells me he applies every day for work and has tried several temp jobs. He is an amazing cook but not qualified and a recent kitchen spell ended when he was diagnosed with sciatica! My husband says he is lazy and all the while I am giving money he doesn't need to find a job! Dan didn't ask me tonight for money I offered because I couldn't bear to see him in alone again for another weekend!

Am I really doing more harm than good? I probably give him some money may be twice a month never any more than £30! Sometimes I don't offer at all and he very rarely asks me - he always looks embarrassed when he takes it!

Thank you

[simontowers2]

Anything practical (course wise) is usually good OP. Even though the fork lift driver course costs, it may pay dividends in the long run. I hope he sorts something, poor kid.

[PulpsNotFiction]

FLT course should be accessable for free on JSA once he's up and running but the work usually drops off warehouse wise Jan-March. Customer service won't vary so much seasonally.
See what the local jobcentre have to offer re sector based work academies for 19+ customers as there are guaranteed job interviews at the end of the pre employment training.

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Could he apply for bar work where he gets to engage with people whilst earning a bit of dosh. And possibly enrol on a govt funded course or visit a college and see what they offer

[wizzler]

I think you did the right thing.. I would do the same.

He is not asking you for money and he is contributing to the household.

Best of luck to you and him for the future.. hope he finds something soon

[Seriouslyffs]

Poor lad. £30 beer money for nightly supper cooked and cleared is not indulging him. Where do you live? Could he get involved with this organisation?

[Haffdonga]

All the people who say he should be getting benefits. How naive you are!No, there's no mistake. He wouldn't get anything. The first 6 months of JSA would be based on his national insurance contributions. That has finished so now any benefits he gets would be assessed on household income. As the OP and her partner are both working full time, presumably the household is assessed as having enough to support him. Nor would sciatica often be viewed as a serious enough condition to be eligible for ESA. His depression might be the more relevant condition to consider.

I'd agree that volunteering would be an excellent way of helping him to fell better about himself, boost his confidence, meet people and get a decent reference for when he next applies for a job.

[sanfairyanne]

and any link to the new and startling info that household income now includes parental income for jsa purposes??

[thenightsky]

fork lift truck training could be a winner.

My mate's son did this and hasn't been out of work since!

[hiphoplollipop30]

I don't think you should feel bad at all for giving him £30 here and there, you're his Mother, he is your child, whether first born or not.

I'm 30 now but I know my Mum has had a tough time of it since I left Uni - I was either in a temp job or kept getting made redundant.

I had to move home over a year ago after I'd started a new life in London, good job etc, because I got made redundant again. It took me 6 whole months to find a job back home, and I was applying for EVERYTHING you can imagine, nothing was beneath me. But still, rarely got a call or was told I had too much experience when I had the interview.

However with son's I can imagine its more difficult, guys don't open up as much I suppose and it can affect them more not being able to provide for themselves - pride etc.

My ex was out of work for about 2 years and was very depressed about it. His Mother was always handing him money.

I'm not 100% sure what to suggest, but I just wanted to say that what you're experiencing is extremely common, and it sounds like you're doing the best you can.

[helzapoppin2]

I've got one, too! He has a part time job, and is trying really hard to get a full time one. It's tough out there! I'd suggest to your son he sees the doc about the depression, (mine does), and also visits some job agencies.
Thanks for starting this thread, now I can see I'm not alone!
I sub mine for a weekly bus ticket, and, no, he doesn't ask.
Best wishes to your DS in his job search.

[PulpsNotFiction]

That's bollocks haffdonga parental income isn't taken into account on income based JSA only partner income.

[FyreFly]

I am one of "those" children I'm afraid. 25 and been looking for a proper (full time, long-term) job for 18 months now. Had to move back here last year after my contract ended and the money ran out and I couldn't find anything else.

At least your son lives near to his friends - do not let him stay in! My friends are over 200 miles away :( I literally have no social life here (unless you count work Xmas dinner with people 30 odd years older than me. They're lovely, but they're not my usual social group). It's crushing, and yes, it does look pretty bleak and pretty hopeless. I have 4 part-time jobs but can't secure anything stable or full time.

I think it's brilliant what you did for your son - do NOT let him give up his social life.

[Italiangreyhound]

Bevy I would really suggest he gets to doctors for the depression.

I would make him do some simple, preferably physical jobs, for the money - so he feels better, your dh can't complain and the physical activity will be good for him and get him out of house (e.g. rake leaves in the garden, if you have one, cut the grass, paint the fence or downstairs look, tidy garden shed or broom, cupboard).

I would also get a copy from the library of this wonderful book...

What Color is Your Parachute 2015: A Practical Manual for Job-hunters and Career-changers

If the book exercises (which encourage you to find out what you are good at) reveal food is something he could work with can he get onto a course? Part-time or full-time or a short one to see if he is really suited to it. Restaurant work is hard (I did it for a long time years ago and it is usually anti social hours and physically demanding) but if it is food and not just cooking that interests him could he look at supermarket work in the food industry? Work his way up. Take some further training for managerial work?

I have not read the whole thread so sorry if lots of other posters have made similar comments.

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

Paint downstairs loo! Sorry, maybe said that as ours needs painting!

[pinkfrocks]

It's very hard Italian to make a 24 yr old man do anything - even if they are living at home! (He's not 12 years old!)

OP I suggest you try to make your son more pro-active in his search for training courses. It's a fine line between enabling / parenting someone who is an adult, and helping/ encouraging them; you seem to be doing all the work. Why did he not find those courses?

I suggest he does some online career options coaching ( using free online tools) - so he finds out what he'd like to do . Then he can work backwards to the type of training he needs. If he is not academic and uni is out of the question, he still needs to think about vocational training because without this he will find it very hard to find meaningful and permanent work.

As I and others have said, there are bound to be local pubs and cafes that need staff- and your local supermarkets. If they draw a blank then volunteering is one way to add valuable skills to a CV, you meet people and increase your self esteem.

I think rather than do all the leg-work yourself you need to encourage him to do these things himself and make it part of the deal that he gets free 'board and lodgings' at home - doing something every day to further his search for work or training courses.

[3littlefrogs]

If he is depressed and in pain, those things need to be addressed first.
Everything else is excellent advice, but sciatica can be excruciating and being in constant pain can make everything else seem very bleak.

[helzapoppin2]

bevy, reading your original post again, I would have done the same as you. Getting him out with friends would help cheer him up.
I think, being in a similar situation, you have to be on their side, and help them see however tough things are, you love them.
I'm actually full of admiration for my son that he is being so persistent in his efforts to find a full time job. He has also identified a course at our local college he wants to do to further his chances, and is lucky enough to have made a good group of friends. It's day by day, one small gain at a time.
It goes against all we're told about how things are 'supposed to be', ie your offspring get to 18 and suddenly they're independent.
I suspect there are many other families like us, and that we are the tip of the iceberg.

[pinkfrocks]

I agree that the sciatica is the main thing to sort. depression? Hmm- not sure. It's easy to label feelings as 'depression' when it' s not really the case; everyone gets down and has low moods when their future seems bleak, but the answer can often be to start doing things- even something as simple as a daily walk.
If the sciatica was helped, I'd rather give him money for a gym sub because exercise is known to help mood, and it would give him a daily focus to get some exercise.

[Festivelybereft]

bevy you were right to give a few quid to give him a night out.
It's stacked against him so a little relief isn't indulging him.

My 18yr old lost his job at a bakery working night shifts for £3 odd an hour because he turned 18 and his min wage would go up.

Then he started a new 'job' selling green deal boilers door to door (because that's exactly what people do to buy a boiler, wait for a young lad to knock )
When I found out after he started the training that he would receive no wage just £20 per boiler sold I refused to let him go.
Then there was a 0 hour contract...

It really is shit for them.

[starfishmummy]

Good luck op. Get his jsa sorted out and then he may be eligible for some free training. I would keep away from fork lift training if he has to pay for it. Doing a course won't help him get a job unless he has experience- just lines the pockets of the training organisation imo.

If he's a good cook can he take over the family meals, help you plan for xmas? If he is helping in the house maybe your husband wont be so hard on him

[CatCushion]

Sciatica...I used to get this quite a bit. I was overweight (not by much, but as I'm short it had a big effect) and exercise was painful. I lost weight by walking and swimming and eventually cutting down what I ate. I was also depressed, and felt the cold... Then I got tested for thyroid function and vitimin and mineral deficiencies and found that it was all being caused by an underlying physical condition!

So I agree to your son seeing a GP, but suggest that he gets tested for a range of things which can cause depression and feeling fatigue/malaise. Iron, vitamin D, magnesium, full blood count, and thyroid among others. Men are not immune to these problems! His interest in food could be his brain telling him that the answer lies in nutrition and supplements. It's amazing how many people cope with undiagnosed conditions in this way.

Alcohol can make depression much worse and can cause a lot of problems combined with a sedentary lifestyle. Does he drink at home as well, and does he drink £30 of beers in one night? Id do the same and give him some money to go out, but think that is too much, unless it is also for a cheap meal and you live in an expensive area.

[CatCushion]

Oh, and pilates helped my sciatica!

[pinkfrocks]

If you are bitter broken then stop doing everything you are doing!
I don't actually understand your point here- are you saying the OP is doing too much- or not enough?

[KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse]

OP you're in a difficult position - there's no right or wrong. I'd have done the same I think - from what you say, he is trying to get work, he's not sitting there laughing up his sleeve thinking "good old mum, she'll keep me sorted".

Well done on finding free courses -at his age if he has a full L2 qualification then most FE course either need to be paid for, or the person needs to be in recepit of means tested benefits so this sounds like a really good step.

Also re the sciatica - can I aks who diagnosed it? Only my GP referred me for physio and the exercises I was given made me worse. I couldn't get off the floor and was sobbing with pain and I'm a tough old bird. If he doesn't seem to be getting better (or like me gets worse) make sure he is referred for an MRI.

I think a lot of people don't understand just how tough it is out there right now. Employers can afford to be picky - and they are. BIL has just got a job in a call centre. He's in his mid twenties and a graduate. He thought he was never going to get a job and that in itself is soul destroying.