adult son at home no job no money no prospects - making me ill

[bevy2603]

its Saturday night 8pm and i have just had an argument with my DH! He has just found out that I have quietly given our 24 year old son £30 so that he can go out for a beer to the local pub with friends! Quietly because he would have disapproved and made it difficult! He is my son first born from first marriage, unfortunately he has been pretty much unemployed for the last 18months. He more or less spends 20 hours a day in his room barely talks to us and tells me he feels depressed! I naturally worry about him and try to help where I can and when asked on the rare occasions! He tells me he applies every day for work and has tried several temp jobs. He is an amazing cook but not qualified and a recent kitchen spell ended when he was diagnosed with sciatica! My husband says he is lazy and all the while I am giving money he doesn't need to find a job! Dan didn't ask me tonight for money I offered because I couldn't bear to see him in alone again for another weekend!

Am I really doing more harm than good? I probably give him some money may be twice a month never any more than £30! Sometimes I don't offer at all and he very rarely asks me - he always looks embarrassed when he takes it!

Thank you

[KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse]

Oh and I've never been prone to depression but when my back was bad, i think I came pretty close. It affected everything - my entire quality of life was impacted. I couldn't make any plans without considering how far I'd have to walk, would I be able to sit down etc. I've never felt so "at the mercy" of something.

[Dowser]

I know too many adult men/ late teens in this situation or worse. Homeless. I can't see it getting any better.

Sorry to hear this OP. it's difficult for you and them.

[fluffapuss]

Hello

Back problem try chiropractor and or swimming

Start volunteer work or college course should take his mid off back pain & get out of the house

How about volunteering at food bank or free food kitchen or church, or shelter. Christmas is a great opportunity to get involved & would be good things to add onto CV

His back cannot be hurting that much if he can go out at the weekend !

Suggest he watches Craigs list film & see if that inspires him !

Good luck

[notthatshesaid]

His back cannot be hurting that much if he can go out at the weekend oh what bullshit. I have long term chronic pain, I still drag myself out to do all sorts because you can't give in to it and spend the rest of your life in bed if you have pain. Distraction is a very important coping mechanism, taught by pain management specialists, and hanging out with friends and having a rare laugh is a good distraction.

I would think some volunteering might give him a huge boost in confidence and something for his cv. It's very tough right now for lots in that age group, he really isn't the only one and lots of people have been in the same boat and gone on to lead very happy lives.

I really hope things improve for him.

[YoullLikeItNotaLot]

Agree notthatshesaid when my back was bad (for over a year until I had surgery) I wanted to just take a tonne of painkillers and not do anything. In reality you can't live like that - or you can, but I don't think it would have a great outcome. I used to force myself to go places even though I was in agony. I knew I had to try and keep at least some degree of activity even though it was drastically reduced. And the pain was constant - it bothered me in every waking minute and looking back I think I could have become quite seriously depressed.

[TipsyTitFace]

Oh op I am in your ds's position.

Me and exdp split a year ago, I moved home as neither of us could afford to live alone. In June I lost my job, I've been trying ever since, applying for anything and everything. I finally got a job only to be told that they had to withdraw the offer.

I am on anti depressants, and am currently having a sciatica episode. It's fucking soul destroying, I've been independent for so long that to be in this position is frustrating. I know it'll get better, it has too.

I've no advice other than he's not unique in his situation.

[tobysmum77]

I suggest an apprenticeship. You can do them in pretty much anything. Google national apprenticeship service and the should be vacancies on their website.

[pinkfrocks]

Tipsy- could you do voluntary work?
One of my DCs post-uni did this and it really added value to her CV which meant she got a job ( not the right job) but a start in a company which then led to a job connected to her degree.

[fluffapuss]

I have experienced back pain & other painful injuries

Everyone has a different level of pain threshold

I have been lucky so far be able to move on in life

I have also volunteered for a variety of causes

That was why I was recommending

In life you have to put a little effort in, to get a little out... and sometimes you have to start with little steps and move forward

[girliefriend]

Am assuming this has probably already been suggested but I did some volunteering through CSV HERE Was really positive experience and I was able to move out whilst I was doing it.

I would have given him the money as well but would also be focussing on a plan of some sort to get him out of his room!!

[theoways]

Hey, I am not sure if I can help in any way, but I was pretty much the same as this between the ages of 19-24, and I managed to get myself out of the dark situation I was in.

The whole turning point was finding something I was actually interested and getting some self worth from it.

I have a bit of advice that might not change things overnight, but you mentioned he is a great cook. Have he considered blogging? Although it won't make him money overnight, he could write a blog about some great recipes. Use a video and then start talking to other bloggers in food etc.

After doing this for a while, not only can it improve his self esteem, but it can also lead to a decent advertising income. For a Youtube video, you get about £1 per 1000 views, and you can sell advertising space on a website for some good money. If he has a back condition, being able to work from home means he can make sure he isn't rushed off his feet all night.

I've gone on to be quite accomplished in my industry, and would be more than happy to give some tips based on how to get started - and the beauty of it is that it's cheap as chips.

feel free to email me if you think I could help. I'm not advertising on here as my advice is completely free. I'd just like to help someone who is in a similar position as I was.

[LongDistanceLove]

This should be a separate thread but with nearly 15 years retail management experience, charity shops don't want me. I've tailord my cv to every kind of opening, it really doesn't matter.

[username181]

Hi bevy, I do wonder if these sites do more good or bad, as you have been given all sorts of different advice on here. Unfortunately I am just going to be one more piece of advice. I have noticed a lot of people telling you to take your son to a GP to deal with his depression. Going to a GP does not solve depression though. your son is likely feeling the way he is as our society has repressed his generation. He probably doesn't like the idea of slaving for someone else and frankly i find it hard to blame him. What your son really needs right now is to have regular activities to keep his mind busy and functioning. When he was at school he would have something to keep his mind occupied 5 days of the week. Without it he has 4 walls and a bed. Do your best to encourage him back into activities and hopefully he finds motivation and a passion to persue. The more days he spends trapped inside those 4 walls the worse though and although sending him out for a drink every now and then might solve the problem short term it does not help the long term.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

I agree with unsername181.

Short term, no problem giving your son some cash to have a night out - probably did him good. Longer term, there’s need to be some other solutions. Trying to create some routines would definitely be a good step.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

... wow! Old thread!

[pog100]

ZOMBIE!!!!!
Hopefully, since this was three years ago, he is now happy and healthy!