Struggling with in-law relationship, help please

[KLago10]

Hello,

I'm new here so hope I'm posting in the right place! I've written about the struggle I am having with maintaining any kind of healthy relationship with my mother in law, have not included everything but think the info below will give you a good picture of the situation

My mother in law has been trying to manipulate and guilt-trip us since I became pregnant last year (our baby is nearly a year old now). One of the first things she said was "I'll try not to interfere but you know I will". She assumed she would be in the labour room with us, and when we explained that it was a very private moment and it would just be the two of us she began getting watery-eyed and said she thought "we'd all be there". My pregnancy was incredibly difficult, my baby was small (always measuring 6 weeks behind), I had SPD and was on crutches, and I had to take my maternity leave at around 28 weeks. Even knowing this, my mother in law proceeded to shout over me to my consultant and tried to dictate the date on which I'd be induced despite it being against my wishes. I was getting a tough time at work because of my boss (he was found guilty of sexually harassing me), and when I got upset she called me weak, saying "well fiance wouldn't know what to do with you when you're like that because he's never seen me be weak".

When we found out we were having a girl (she had three boys), she became even worse. Since our baby has arrived she puts pressure on us for babysitting duties, gets jealous and makes us feel guilty if anybody else visits - including my family (Mum is 3 hours away, Dad lives abroad so visits are once every three months or so) and even her own sons. She visits more than anybody to try and appease her, but it doesn't work.

We have tried speaking with her about the way she is making us feel, but upon talking to her she went and told the family a manipulated version of the conversation and played the victim. It was incredibly stressful for us when we were just trying to put in place some healthy boundaries, and were very kind when we spoke to her. We had not mentioned the issues we were having with either of our families out of respect to her. She even spread lies during my fiancés brothers wedding reception, and said I was out of order for not letting her have our baby overnight. She had been drinking steadily throughout the day, our baby wasn't sleeping well and she has said before that she'd leave my fiance to cry when he was a small baby just because she was tired - I feel this is irresponsible as as parents we don't believe in leaving our child to cry. If she is crying there is a reason, even if it's just needing a cuddle which we always have time for because we want her to grow up feeling secure and knowing we care about her.

My fiancé and I have been having a very difficult time lately, mainly due to her behaviour. We missed a call from her, as we were out at the time and called her back later just to give her an update and we were going to arrange another visit with her. She used this conversation to cut off my fiancé from speaking, and chose to guilt-trip him on us wanting to spend our first Christmas with our daughter at home (we didn't say no visitors, we just want to relax as it's been such a busy year). She said "well it would have been nice if you wanted to spend Christmas with me", then told my fiance that we're shutting her out of our lives and we make her feel very unwelcome when she visits. This particularly hurt me as I've always made a lot of effort with her despite how she has treated me over these past 18 months or so. If I have the time, I even bake her a cake I know she likes ready for when she gets to our home. I've always considered these visits to be fine, we'd talk and share stories of what we'd been up to, we'd ask her if she wanted to feed our daughter her dinner (she always declined) and she has actually seen us more than anybody on either side of the family since our daughter arrived. Finally, she ended the conversation by telling my fiance she looks forward to getting an update, "whenever that might be", and slammed the phone down on him. Again I was hurt by this as I always make sure to send her photos each week and let her know what we're up to and if our daughter is doing anything new e.g. Crawling, standing up, etc.

It has got to a point now where we have tried to communicate our feelings to MIL, however she seems to have disregarded the whole conversation and has carried on as she was before. Despite all of this I have always encouraged my fiancé to make an effort with her, but she has really gone too far this time and my fiancé's health is starting to suffer - he has been diagnosed with depression which he mainly attributes to how his mother has treated him.

It feels as if nothing we ever do is good enough, we give her a lot of our time, at the expense of seeing other members of our family in an attempt to keep her happy, but this has clearly failed.

I don't know where this leaves us with regards to having any kind of a healthy relationship with her, she has continued to ignore our feelings and we are worried that she will behave in this way around our daughter as she grows older, and my daughter won't be aware that this is not the way we treat people.

Any help or suggestions about this situation would be very helpful. Thank you

Thank you for your replies, I've been on nights so not been able to catch up with my thread!

I do think it's time to call 101 and at least get this logged so there is a trail, then if the worst does happen and we have to go further then we've noted it with the police.

It was pretty clear last weekend that the family are being lied to by her, if they choose to believe her then it's a shame but I guess it's better to know where their loyalties lie now.

MIL contact pops up randomly and around birthdays, Mother's Day etc, I don't mind the predictable contact as it's easily ignored but it's when you come home after a long day and there's a breezy-as-you-like message left for us as if she'd just visited the day before.

So, probably time to ramp this up a bit really since our requesting her to not contact us is being ignored. I still feel guilty in a way that it's necessary to take further action (not for how she'll feel or her reaction, but the fallout I know there will be with the other members of the family), but on the other hand I really am fiercely protective of my DP and especially our daughter and our happiness needs to come first.

Thanks all xx

BT has a system where you can block specific numbers - I think it allows up to 10. That might be a start, or change your number?

good luck klago. I think it's disgracetotheYchromosome who knows exactly how the harassment thing works, it might be worth dropping him a pm if you want to find out more.

Hi everyone,

Unfortunately I am back and seeking advice. You were all so supportive before and I'm feeling very lost in all of this.

Since I last posted we eventually spoke to MIL (after her sending lots of texts, messages through people etc..). My reasoning was that she was just keeping on and on, and we were finding this just as stressful as having her in our lives. The situation with her, coupled with my BIL's and FIL's reaction to all of this was making my DH's depression out of control. I asked DH to see her (only if he felt able to) because he's either see that things could be worked or at least get some closure which he felt he didn't have.

So, she came to us and I left them to it for a bit. I don't think much was discussed, but she apologised and promised to never do anything to upset us or overstep boundaries etc. She'd said that all of this had made her ill and she'd never jeopardise our relationship with her again.

I went along with us as DH felt that something could be worked on - fine. In truth all I wanted was for my DH's health to start improving.

They reconciled at the end of September. We saw them probably once every 10-14 days, in part to try and heal the rift that had been there and I guess also so DD could bond with her (MIL last saw her when she was 10 months old and DD didn't know her at all).

All these get togethers went well, until yesterday. Up until this point it had just been the three of us, plus MIL and her husband. Yesterday was everybody on DH's side of the family meeting up at a restaurant. From the off-set MIL just seemed "off", but I carried on as usual and spoke with all the family (again setting aside my feelings here, we'd not seen one BIL for 11 months due to the whole situation). DD was being especially clingy with me yesterday, she's a mummy's girl usually but she's also been poorly with various viruses and a couple of chest infections recently. So she just wanted lots of cuddles! I still encouraged her to sit with other people and she was particularly happy sitting with one aunt.

MIL then wanted a family photo which I thought was a nice idea. We all grouped together, I had DD on my lap. As everyone gathered DD got a bit upset (one uncle has some facial hair which she finds very scary and he was particularly close) so I was giving her a cuddle. MIL takes her off me saying "oh my [DD's name] Nanny's here!!" which made DD cry even more and she was reaching out screaming mummy - MIL wouldn't give her back and we had photos with DD crying whilst being held by MIL..

We then went to go outside to the little park and MIL was walking her outside but without a coat on. Everyone had their coats on and bearing in mind DD has been so poorly I just said oh hang on let me just put DD's coat on her, but didn't take her away or anything - I literally just wanted to put a coat on her so she doesn't get ill again! So MIL went huffing off and I heard her speaking about me to her mother (DH's grandmother). I ignored it.

When we were outside DD wanted to go on the slide but got upset while climbing the stairs and starting crying and shouting Mummy. I reached out my arms and MIL got in the way saying ooooh you don't need her Nanny's here!! - queue more hysterical crying. I had to become forceful in the end and say no she's actually really upset and took her. More huffing and walking off..

It just feels like the last year has taught her nothing. I feel like we've taken a million steps back and I don't know why she behaved that way yesterday. Even as soon as we pulled up she's running over to take DD off us when DD is clinging on to her dad as its all too overwhelming.

It feels as if she's seeing me as competition, and wants to take the role of DD's mum. I'm not possessive in any way of DD and want her to have relationships with all our families but only if it is healthy. Yesterday it felt as if MIL wanted to 'win' over me and wasn't actually considering DD's needs. So poor DD was upset a lot yesterday afternoon due to MIL's need to control.

I've spoken to DH and said that I feel completely broken again. I've put myself out there and tried so hard with her but she has no respect for me - I'm the reason her son is talking to her again as he wouldn't have if I hadn't said I thought it was important for him to do so. I wanted him to be happy.

Now I'm sat here feeling so stupid for believing she could change - surely if she's acting like this only 2 months after making up she's never going to learn?

What I'm worried about is the fall out from the family again, and the effect it will have on DH's health. He said we can go NC again as he can't have me feeling like this and have it affecting my health. I also worry if she's like this now what about when DD is at school and grows into a teenager? DD will have her own mind by then and may 'go against' what MIL wants and I can't have my little girl being treated as I have.

I found it scary last night that me and DH were having the same conversations we were having a year ago - like no progress has been made.

Any suggestions would be really appreciated, or peoples own perspective on the situation!

Thank you xx

I'm afraid you have made the mistake of being suckered back in again. This woman will never change. My parents are a lot like this and it took me to the age of 40 to finally understand I cannot have a normal relationship with them. It is not possible.

You have to cut her off completely. Don't explain to others why. I am fortunate in that my siblings all took my side when I did this and two of them have gone on to cut my parents off themselves. So I don't have any flying monkeys to contend with.

Is there any option for you to move away?

You are right, she won't change. Ever.

She was behaving herself but it was a facade and what you witnessed yesterday was a mere glimpse.

Personally, you have given her a chance. I wouldn't give her another.

I would go NC now and try and get some form of therapy/counselling for your DH, as this will help him to cope with the flying monkeys etc.

Hi KLago,

Re your comment:-

"He said we can go NC again as he can't have me feeling like this and have it affecting my health".

Such toxic people like his mother truly can and do affect the health of the person of the receiving end of their toxic behaviour.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family where thankfully this sort of familial dysfunction is unknown. This is also perhaps why you have tried to be nice and reasonable. You wanted to be nice and give them another chance; a big mistake as you have already seen. There must be no more chances from you re them. Unfortunately such toxic people see "nice" as a weakness to be despised. Such people also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your DH has also had a lifetime of her conditioning as well, he truly knows what she is like.

The "normal" rules simply go out the window when it comes to such dysfunctional families like his family of origin. No progress in relations between they and you was ever made; you cannot even begin to reason with people who are at heart unreasonable and toxic.

It will also not do your child any favours for her to see her mum and dad get so continuously disrespected and denigrated; keeping her away from your DHs family is really keeping her away from bad things. If the other grandparents are nice focus on them instead.

If you have not already done so I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Ignore too the winged monkeys who will likely reappear again.

Go NC with his family of origin, take him up on his wise suggestion; your only error here was to at all believe that such a person like his mother could actually change. You were simply suckered right back in there (and will be again if you make any overtures to these people).

It is not your fault or your DHs she is like this; her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her.

Did you say anything at the time when she was behaving so badly?
You have to do it there and then with every single thing.
It's like a child. She got away with one bad bit of behaviour so continued to push the boundaries more and more.
You can't cope with this and you don't need to.
Send her an email, her behaviour was awful and she's proved she cannot change and it leaves you with no other option than to go NC again. If she harasses you or spreads lies then you will go to the police.
Leave it at that and then block and ignore.

Poor thing I know how upsetting and frustrating it can be when they revert to form. At least you both tried and can finally go NC with no feelings of guilt

All these get togethers went well, until yesterday. Up until this point it had just been the three of us, plus MIL and her husband

So she got carried away and was showing off.

It must be fiendishly difficult dealing with her. You took a chance trying to be noble and ensure DD bonds with her grandmother. It had been a huge strain on DH attempting to go NC.

I read upthread your DH once told you that his mother never apologises to anyone. That sort of person sees that attitude as a strength not weakness. She has no qualms about lying to the rest of the family.
But something got through to her. For some while she tried. The only reason for not casting her off afaics is if your DH has been noticeably better when things appeared to go better.

Either the assembled mass or perhaps alcohol affected her and she reverted to her old ways.

It's not up to you to fix her. I wouldn't blame you for going utterly NC. The festive season could be an absolute minefield.

I agree you have to step back again. It was too much temptation for her, being in a crowd. Until then she had towed the line so she can do it when she tries.

Sorry - posted too early!

I was just going to say how she's already been given a chance that wasn't deserved, and how sad it is that she couldn't value that. It didn't have to be this way.

We do have my side of the family, and thankfully there have never been any issues. They think of DH as their own son/brother so I'm very thankful that we have them.

Thank you all for your help, it really does help getting the perspective of other people who have been in similar situations xx

Lost part of my message so I'm starting again!

DH and I have been talking today and it is becoming clear that going NC is the only real option in the long run. We got to a place where we felt like it was a shame that SHE was missing out, and that it didn't have to be this way. It's not in my nature to think badly of people, but I'm afraid I've given her too many chances and I can't let it take over like it did before.

I'm worried about the fallout that I know is coming - the family are loyal to DH/us as long as we 'behave' basically. I'm pretty sure they'll all disappear again. It's easy for me to think that I don't want those kinds of people in our lives, but poor DH - losing his family not once but twice.

I wanted to ask - do you think it would be an idea for us to attend counselling to help us through this and keep us strong? We stuck together really well the first time but I thought it might keep us on track, especially if we get all the angry phone calls like last time and texts/emails.

I'm also wondering how do we even communicate this? I don't believe there needs to be a discussion as it's not negotiable, nearly a year of NC has taught her nothing so I think it would be a waste of time. But I'm not sure what to say - "this isn't making us happy so we have to stop now"?

Thanks for all your input, it really helps xx

I'm so sorry you are in this position again. I don't feel that giving her any sort of explanation would make any difference, all you can do is ignore as you did before. Protect yourself, your dd, Dh and your marriage.

Are you going back to having no contact now, like your DH wanted?

Sounds like she's sadly never going to change her ways.
You have my sympathies, it's a shit situation and it can make you physically ill.
I have a similar MIL, in the end I told my DH that I just couldn't keep having the same conversations and arguments and I told him I was close to packing mine and the kids bags and leaving him. We were living in NZ at the time (he's a kiwi), in the end we decided to move to the UK (I'm a Pom). We had 2 1/2 blissful years of not seeing MIL (they kept in touch on Skype and I stayed out of it). She came to visit over the summer, and had a strop because I refused to let her stay with us. She managed to overshadow our youngest child's birthday and then snub DD when it came to saying goodbye. As a result her Skype calls are now monitored by me, although I still have no interest in talking to her.
I'm going to get the toxic parents/in-laws books, I feel like they may be useful for me too.
DH won't cut her out entirely as he thinks she won't live for much longer, not that she's got anything wrong with her, but she's been playing little miss helpless for that long that it's ingrained in him I guess.

I can highly recommend moving away though if it's at all possible

Sorry, x-post I see you are going nc. You want advice on coping with the harassment.

I have bonkers family members. I am effectively NC / very LC now. I had many false starts over the years with it, I caved more often in my twenties.

One thing I learned to recognise was that for years I felt I had to listen on the phone, listen to the voicemails, read the letters, read the emails, read the texts, listen to the monkeys, justify myself to the monkeys, etc etc.

Not doing any of that really really helps reduce the stress.

Immediately delete the email / text / voicemail. Don't open the letter put it straight in the bin. On the phone use caller id and send to voicemail or screen using an answer phone and delete the voicemails immediately without listening to them. If they get through on the phone "there's the doorbell, got to go, bye."

I found it best to shut the monkeys down brutally. No details given ever. Ever. Ever. No justifications. Simple statements rehearsed many times and repeated again and again.
"You know what she is like. We know what she is like. I don't want to talk about it."
"If you really want to help, get her a hobby"
"I don't want to talk about her"
"I am not going to talk about her"

Also, do not announce that you are reducing contact. That feeds the beast. Oh they love the drama. Just stop having contact. Be busy. Be very busy. Oh you are so so busy.

The sooner you can laugh at her attempts the better. It shows she has lost her power. Can you think up a game to help you laugh at her attempts? Maybe you and DH predict how many calls, emails, monkeys and their tactics for the next week. A small bet is fun. Then let the games begin.

Some brilliant suggestions on how to handle this, thank you again!

Have just had quite a draining few hours with DH talking about what we do and how to move forward with it. He's upset that things haven't worked out, but the way he put it was "I'd love for us all to be a family, but we can't because of how she is. It's not healthy for the three of us".

Before we reconciled her numbers were blocked, so I think we'll have to do that again this week. And all this time I thought we should be telling her and making some sort of justification of what we're doing, when really we just need to get on and live our lives (and be very very busy!! ).

Unfortunately it's not really an option to move away. DH has a fantastic job which he loves and I wouldn't want him to sacrifice that. We've got lots of friends here too and DD is very settled and happy with childminder etc. I know all of these things could be overcome if moving became essential, but I don't really want to unsettle DD as she's so happy. But if the situation became unbearable then it's something we'd have to seriously consider and I think would be quite willing to do.

RunRabbit did you find that having a couple of go-to statements reduced the amount of questioning you got (eventually)? The phrase "we all know what she's like" would be a good one for us as she has a tendency to wind certain people in the family up.

PoppyAutumnScarlettRuby - you're right, we tried reasoning with her and explaining things etc, it got us nowhere! It's so hard to realise and accept that she's just not normal and reasonable.

Hypodeemic Nerdle - I've been feeling physically ill and drained since yesterday, and this has occupied way too much of my headspace. I barely slept last night and couldn't concentrate well today. I can't keep having the same conversations and living like this, it feels like life is put on pause.

Xxx