During your childhood, how much would the following affect you as an adult?

[lauren42]

Hi everyone,

I posted the other day about a current issue with my P, and after the really helpful advice, I am being abit cheeky and seeking further opinion on a bit of a different, broader topic - though still connected to the mother!!!

How much do you think the following, if at all, would affect an only child:

• in years leading up to divorce, mother tells son regularly that she wants to leave father
• father and mother seen fighting on the kitchen floor with each other with utensils (not sure if this was a one off or regular occurance)
• son sees father hiting his mother
• at age 7, he forgets mum's birthday, and in the morning sees dad giving mum a present. he goes to bedroom and finds a new pen in a drawer to wrap up for mother, and takes it to her. she screams and shouts at son and husband because son had forgotten her birthday - apparently son should have remembered and father should have bought present on son's behalf.
• parents divorce - he is age 14 and goes to live with mother
• when father comes to pick son up for days out, mother leaves the property 15 mins beforehand and tells son not to allow father to see the family dog (the dog went to live with mother after divorce)
• mother calls father on regular basis and shouts at him abotu money and obligations he is not fulfilling
• mother tells son his father won't pay for a school trip so he cannot go (a day before they are due to leave)
• age 17, son stops seeing dad for 2 years. he has never told me why.
• age 18, son goes home to see mother, and mother disappears all night drinking and son ends up calling police because she doesn't answer her phone 2 hours after expeting her home - mother thinks this is hilarious
• at son's graduation, mother creates a huge row with father, and leaves son in tears - they both leave.

There are plenty more things in adulthood I could reference, but I am specifically interested in your thoughts on what this can do to someone as a child.

If I am honest, I am skeptical that any of the above can have any effect...I am lucky and came from a very stable background and yes I saw my paretns argue, but essentially I was very well looked after and felt like the centre of my parents' universe. My mum has told me I should be careful with my partner because 'i cant know what damage was done to him.' Is she right? are the above events all that damaging? Obviously I know they are not 'right' - just to clarify!

Parther speaks to both parents now, though he seems more like his mother's carer, and his dad's friend - not the typical parental relationship I have been used to.

"Norest - the main aspects that affect me and him are his lack of ability to make deciisons (sounds petty but this transpires into a lot of confusion and misunderstanding between us), and also his inability to communicate openly, and finally, when something difficult logistically or situational crops up ie chrismtmas dilemma as to who we should see in what order etc, he will withdraw completely and won't address it. He also has a lot of issues with trusting me - which is ridiculous if you knew me as I couldn't have a stonger opinion against cheating if I tried! "

I have similar issues and it's because deep down I'm an unwanted, unloved child who is terrified of doing the wrong thing, and I don't know when something is going to be the wrong thing.

So decisions are hard because as a child reactions to my actions weren't appropriate and trust is hard because no-one was reliable and also my self esteem and confidence are so low that I can't trust that someone would want to be reliable for me.

These are things that I doubt anyone really knows about me...nor does anyone know the extent of how bad my childhood really was. They might notice I'm a bit insecure and that I prefer other people to decide things, but not quite how badly those issues affect me because I spend a lot of time trying very hard to be "normal". Except with my DP, but he has his own issues from a different but equally messed up childhood.

So you don't know who you know that is dealing with the fallout from a difficult childhood.

From my own experience it never leaves you. I was terrible physically abused, my sister wasn't. Don't know why? He did the same to my brother. My Mother suffered terribly from, as you would say now, domestic violence.
To know me you would say the same as most people: I have a big mouth, not frightened of anything except the dark and heights. I have been told that people have been frightened of me. It wasn't until my 40s that I realised how my childhood ( that's a joke, because it was never allowed to be a child) had affected me (I'm 68 now)
When it comes to being 'brave' no problem with my family or friends,a I'm the one they call on. But, if I have to deal with anyone in authority, I'm a jibering wreck, I actually shake. So yes, it does affect you.

I'm sorry for such long posts earlier! I was also thinking after my last post how much I have found out about the situation since my mum died, and how that has affected my ability to reconcile and seek further help. Certainly since becoming a mother myself many issues popped up and I wanted to make sure I was getting any help needed (I still don't know what is normal in a lot of families and was putting myself under a lot of pressure as a result).
Although when she was alive I did know she wasn't a great mother in the typical sense, I merely protected myself by seeing less of her. This in turn burdened me with terrible guilt when she did die (along with a lot of blame from her!) which possibly made me idolise her further. A sort of protective guilt over the fact I couldn't deal with the situation I found she always put me in and the way she made me feel when she was alive: it was a fault in me that made me not able to be around her.
All through my childhood my parents picked battles against each other with me as go between and there was a lot of DV before my mum divorced my dad. My grandparents sadly got involved from time to time but the general consensus was that we simply avoided the subject as much as possible. However when my mum died my dad completely let rip, asking me to sell her house and skip all of her furniture because of what a terrible mother she had been. Again this made me hugely over protective - after all he was half to blame and a lot of my worst childhood memories come from him when they were living together. He also didn't know the half of the situation as I had never felt able to discuss anything that had happened on a mum weekend with him. I felt strongly that he felt he had the moral high ground but actually had hidden behind my grandparents for my entire childhood and only stepped up when I got expelled and I had to live with him. Even then he was never there and would not be able to tell you which A'levels I took or results gained. I was living alone at 16 with no one helping me adapt or even provide food (he ate at work, leaving home at 5am and returning at 11pm). I never saw him and felt even more detached than I had done at school as a result.
I am waffling again but really what I suppose I want to say is that if he feels his mother has already been ganged up on by the other parent he is also likely to want to protect her. You also have no idea what therapy will bring up. There were several instances in my childhood when I ended up in hospital and at least one time when my mother was close to killing me (hence social services getting involved) but when I look back I mainly feel annoyed that my dad up and left me in that situation and made me compliant in never talking about what went on when no one was there to protect me.

It has been said before, but you cannot fix him, you should not try to fix him, and you cannot fix him.
You can have your own boundaries and stick to them. He must decide if he needs help to stay within those boundaries.
You are falling into the typical trap of diverting from or circling around the actual problem, which is how he behaves towards you.

I'd really stop trying to analyse his background and even his behaviour, particularly as it's not well received.
Concentrate on his actual behaviour. The rest is up to him.

I don't know why his behaviour and the person he is being down to his childhood matters to you OP.

And frankly the way you think shows that you really don't have the insight or skills to help someone come to terms with an ea childhood. And why should you? You're just a normal person, not a professional in this area.

Just take how he is at face value and decide whether you want to be with him, as he is

I have to say, from what you write, I don't think your relationship is going to work. You are mismatched.

My ex had a terrible upbringing but thinks his parents are the best now as an adult! I never excused his poor behaviour on the fact he had a bad childhood, that is his problem not mine.

You need do what makes you happy.

Op you've spent a lot of time deciphering his behaviour , what's caused it and what you can do about it. The simple answer is nothing. I mean this kindly , but you sound a little like a rescuer , wanting to fix him. You simply cannot.

What you can and should do is decide what is and isn't acceptable to you. His mother sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and if this is so you have no idea how deep this runs or what effect this will have on your life.

I think you should stop thinking about him and his mum and start thinking about yourself and what you really deserve. There are tens of thousands of healthy single men out there. Saddling yourself with someone who has these sort of issues seems like self sabotage. Do you really want this horrible woman as a grandmother to your children ? Do you really want a partner who isn't functioning at a minimum standard and needs help to do so ?