DD has been sexually abused. (Triggers)

[Celestria]

I have a thread about something else, a separate issue so wanted to start a fresh one as I really need support just now and I don't want the two issues being muddled together.

Two nights ago my 8yo Dd2 broke the news to me that a 15 year old boy had raped her on four or five occasions, on weekends when in her fathers care (I work weekends)

The last 36 hours has been a nightmare of phone calls, CID, police, social services, child protection and so many tears.

It came out because I'd made the decision to tell both my DD's why I didn't speak to my father. This was due to abuse I suffered at 7yo by a 15yo cousin and my family disbelieving me. Because I opened up about that, my dd2 felt safe to tell me what had been happening to her.

My world has fallen apart. Without going into details, I've been through hell and back since I was a child but nothing comes close to what it does to you, hearing practically your own story coming from your babies mouth. It's destroyed me. My worst nightmare come true.

My DD2 has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. She has done her best to tell all professionals involved what happened to her. Even when she has been so scared she can't speak and so wrote it down. I'm in awe of her strength and resilience. She is my little heroine.

There is another little girl that this lad is regularly around and she is being spoken to today. They strongly suspect he will have been doing things to her.

Thankfully, I've been through this myself and I know how to handle it with my DD2. She knows it's not her fault. She knows she didn't do anything to bring it on. She knows she is believed, is safe and doesn't have to see him again. I've also started looking into specialist counselling for her and am doing everything in my power to make sure the damage done from this is a limited as possible.

Inside though, I just feel this has finally broken me. I comforted myself that although my own abuse was horrendous and how I was treated afterward was horrendous, that it would never ever happen to my children. The fact that it has, has just killed something in me. I need this thread to fall apart in, so I can stay strong for her in RL.

The whole situation is double bladed in that it's almost parallel to what happened to me and is bringing back terrible memories and things I fought hard to block out. I'm so glad I can do the right things for her. And so bitter that my own father couldn't do it for me. My head is one spinning mess.

Totally not a ramble.

The guy is a fuck tard. Hopefully your message will give him a kick up the arse!

Your dd's father is putting his head in the sand as he doesn't have the emotional IQ to deal with it. You'd be surprised that many many people react this way, even the nearest and dearest. They will do anything and SAY anything to minimise the situation as they can't handle the truth. He may well be crumbling inside. Or he may not be. Alot of people are selfish beasts - even fathers and mothers - who put themselves first as kind of self-defence from the emotional onslaught.

FWIW, what you went through has allowed you to begin processing the ordeal. In some ways, you are already on the path to healing (not healed but at least on that dreadful long path, walking hand in hand with your dd).

Your dd's father however - may never be able to deal with it or talk about it or show any means of remorse in his handling of the situation. Prepare yourself and reset your expectations of him to zero because he may never follow through. He is an ex for a reason. IF he wants to see dd, let him come round to your house and see her or via a contact centre. Otherwise just delete his text messages (I would).

You have a huge amount to deal with. You shouldn't have to deal with the shit that dd's dad is putting you through too, so minimise it as much as you can as until he steps up...he aint even going to register!!!

Your dd's father is putting his head in the sand as he doesn't have the emotional IQ to deal with it. You'd be surprised that many many people react this way, even the nearest and dearest. They will do anything and SAY anything to minimise the situation as they can't handle the truth. He may well be crumbling inside. Or he may not be. Alot of people are selfish beasts - even fathers and mothers - who put themselves first as kind of self-defence from the emotional onslaught.

FWIW, what you went through has allowed you to begin processing the ordeal. In some ways, you are already on the path to healing (not healed but at least on that dreadful long path, walking hand in hand with your dd).

Your dd's father however - may never be able to deal with it or talk about it or show any means of remorse in his handling of the situation. Prepare yourself and reset your expectations of him to zero because he may never follow through. He is an ex for a reason. IF he wants to see dd, let him come round to your house and see her or via a contact centre. Otherwise just delete his text messages (I would).

Thanks cookie, that actually makes a lot of sense. I suppose I can't understand his reactions and behaviour because I have been through it. Perhaps if I hadn't I'd feel similar or act similar to him. I don't know.

I admit I have a very cut throat attitude when it comes to child abuse. I refuse to accept there is any grey area. As far as I am concerned it's completely abhorrent and there should be no question over unconditional belief, support and legal action. But yes, sadly many many people just don't get it.

I have never before posted before but just I just wanted t to say I stand in awe of you. It cannot be and will not be easy for you but stay assured that you are the powerful loving mother who is there for their child and that, in the end, is what will make a difference. Hugs

Been a bit of a walking car crash today. Hit that time of the month which is always bad for me anyways as I have PMDD. Spent most of this evening in floods of tears. I've been ignoring friends trying to contact me and just don't want to be bothered. Today I've had a really strong sense of just not caring about much at all anymore other than my children. I don't think there is much else that could hurt me anymore so I just don't care about the people in my life at the moment.

Took all my children to the morning cinema and had a lovely Saturday with them. The first in about a year because I have always been working.

My dd seems happy enough today. In dreading the medical. Absolutely dreading it. But at least I can be there.

Her father is still silent. No response to a text, no attempt to see her.

Sweetheart without wishing to sound patronising, you're in shock. You are probably going into "shut down" mode as your mind's way of protecting itself. So you're functioning and doing what you have to do, ie looking after your dd's, but beyond that it's almost impossible to function normally.

This is a completely normal reaction. Of course that isn't going to automatically make you feel better, but it is understandable. Be gentle with yourself.

The friends who have been trying to get in contact - do any of them know? Could any of them offer you any support? MN is obviously a fab resource, but I feel like you need someone there with you in RL to give you a big hug and be on hand with a box of tissues. I may be wrong of course and a hug may be the last thing you want/need, it's just what I sense from your posts

Sadly it doesn't sound as if you or your dd are going to get any support from her father any time soon. I'm so sorry but I think you need to try as hard as you can to let it go - he isn't going to change and his lack of involvement is causing you extra stress that you just don't need. It isn't fair and he isn't doing the job that he should be doing, but try to concentrate on your dd's and the wonderful, amazing job that YOU'RE doing. You are the one who is keeping them safe, who has made sure that they are comfortable and confident enough to talk to you and, most importantly, are looking after them through such a shit time. You are a fabulous mum

You're doing so well even if you don't feel it. Try and keep yourself busy even if it's a walk to the park with the kids. Buy yourself a trashy magazine and read it... Watch TV. Anything for a bit of escapism would do you a world of good.

It's a very hard time you are all going through but you WILL pull through it.

Get the evidence you need for the medical, your daughter needs to know she is OK and hads't caught anything too. It's brutal but necessary.

The world is full of wankers. Again. Don't let your ex bother you because he's not worth it. Really, he's a useless piece of shite at the moment and you don't need to walk on white right now. If and when he's ready to face up to it, then fine. You don't need to babysit him THANK the LORD.

Your daughter will know YOU are the one who's is there for her. That's all that matters. Take care and here is a Mumsnet hug. Xxx

Much the same today. Lots of tears but not when the children could see me. I'm struggling with what's happened with my dd and what's still to happen but also its only four days to the anniversary of my brothers death, though he wasn't found until two days later. I always find that exceptionally hard as there is a huge back story leading up to his death that ties in with the subject of this thread. I miss him still, nearly 12 years on.

I also have my father coming around on Friday. We haven't spoken in around six months or seen each other and the reasons behind it are still very raw. I don't know how I feel about seeing him and not sure how well I will handle his likely comments of how terrible it is what's happened to dd when he failed so miserably with my own abuse.

I'm pushing everyone away at the moment. Self protection. Don't want to be bothered with phone calls or texts or the effort of making small talk. However I know this isn't healthy so I have arranged to see a friend tomorrow even though it's the last thing I feel like doing.

Tomorrow also the weekend is over so the police phone calls will start and Wednesday medical will be even closer. My mum is going to come with me and my dd as no matter what it's going to be distressing for her.

I've still got so much to do for Christmas and have been stressing about having the funds for it with me quitting my job. My mum has offered to have the kids at the weekends for a while so I can still work but I just don't know how I feel. On one hand the weekly wage will ease the financial stress, on the other I will feel guilty for not being with my dd.

My dd is doing okay though as fate would have it, I took them out for a meal tonight in town and the little girl from the place my dd was abused came into the restaurant. My dd, normally so sociable didn't want to say hi. I think she connects her friend with the boy that did this to her and the place that it happened.

Tomorrow I should find out the time of the medical. I'm going to ask when they plan on speaking to the boy too.

Sending you lots of strength for today.
and a big ((hug))

Can you put your father off? It just sounds like such a difficult thing to add to your load at the moment.

Put your father off for the moment. It is all so new and raw, give yourself time before you spend time with people you're unsure about. Do you think he learnt his lesson when it happened to you, and he has resolved to be different with your dd? Anyone with less than a wholehearted commitment to believe and be supportive should be avoided.

You know, take the offer of help and go to work. Having a bit of money in your pocket would feel good, your dd gets to hang out and have fun.. Yes it's diversion but a bit of normality would help I think. Life does go on, slowly but surely,b and it's important to enjoy these moments by living in the NOW. Right now, you are all safe, right now its OK to feel secure and in time, you'll feel stronger.

Put your dad in the back seat, now is not the time to deal with him!!