DD has been sexually abused. (Triggers)

[Celestria]

I have a thread about something else, a separate issue so wanted to start a fresh one as I really need support just now and I don't want the two issues being muddled together.

Two nights ago my 8yo Dd2 broke the news to me that a 15 year old boy had raped her on four or five occasions, on weekends when in her fathers care (I work weekends)

The last 36 hours has been a nightmare of phone calls, CID, police, social services, child protection and so many tears.

It came out because I'd made the decision to tell both my DD's why I didn't speak to my father. This was due to abuse I suffered at 7yo by a 15yo cousin and my family disbelieving me. Because I opened up about that, my dd2 felt safe to tell me what had been happening to her.

My world has fallen apart. Without going into details, I've been through hell and back since I was a child but nothing comes close to what it does to you, hearing practically your own story coming from your babies mouth. It's destroyed me. My worst nightmare come true.

My DD2 has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. She has done her best to tell all professionals involved what happened to her. Even when she has been so scared she can't speak and so wrote it down. I'm in awe of her strength and resilience. She is my little heroine.

There is another little girl that this lad is regularly around and she is being spoken to today. They strongly suspect he will have been doing things to her.

Thankfully, I've been through this myself and I know how to handle it with my DD2. She knows it's not her fault. She knows she didn't do anything to bring it on. She knows she is believed, is safe and doesn't have to see him again. I've also started looking into specialist counselling for her and am doing everything in my power to make sure the damage done from this is a limited as possible.

Inside though, I just feel this has finally broken me. I comforted myself that although my own abuse was horrendous and how I was treated afterward was horrendous, that it would never ever happen to my children. The fact that it has, has just killed something in me. I need this thread to fall apart in, so I can stay strong for her in RL.

The whole situation is double bladed in that it's almost parallel to what happened to me and is bringing back terrible memories and things I fought hard to block out. I'm so glad I can do the right things for her. And so bitter that my own father couldn't do it for me. My head is one spinning mess.

Thank you nonny and foxache.

Thinking of you Celestria, I hope today is going better for you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to both of you. I can't help thinking how lucky your daughter is to have you as her mother. It's awful that this happened to either of you, but she is in a far more fortunate position than you were and you are being fabulous.
I have an 8yr old dd and feel for you so much.

I can't offer advice, but I'm sending thoughts your way. I'm so glad you are there for your dd, but I'm also sorry that you are both gking through this. Stay strong.

Sending you lots of strength. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Another person who too was damaged most by a mothers reaction, like CailinDana. It broke me (at 4 yrs old, ffs), and I never really had a mother again, nor the safety a family usually creates. I still cannot be in the same room as the woman for more than a few mins at a time. Dreading Christmas horrific time of year :(

I'm so glad your dd will never have that to bear. Nothing will make you feel better just now, but I hope one day you realise what an amazing difference you will make to her healing and rebuilding her life and soul.

Thank you cailindana, I know it was my father and step mothers reactions that caused the most damage in my own experience, though the abuse has never left me. Thankfully most of the time it's in the back of my mind. I'm glad I knew immediately what to do and say, I just hope when she looks back in this as an adult, that I got it right for her.

I would have thought it odd, a 15yo hanging out with young girls. Their father, I don't know why he allowed it. The police have checked with other young girls in the area and so far it would appear to be only my child he has hurt. My theory behind that is that the place it happened is a tiny village. Assaulting my dd was a safer bet, as she was only present at weekends rather than a regular face around the village as such. I don't care that this boy is still classed as a minor. The nature and mentality behind his abuse of my daughter tells me exactly what he is. He was very clever about it.

Today's the first day I've had time to think with all the children in school. I find myself feeling angrier and angrier towards her father. Perhaps if he had always been a responsible parent I could at least feel some sort of understanding. But he has had a solicitors letter before about his lapse attitude towards the children's safety. And anger at myself because I let my fear of being dubbed a parent that uses their children as objects, to override my fear that one day sow thing serious could happen. I just never thought this.

I am certain from what he has said, that he knew he needed to be careful with this boy.

I also feel no sympathy for him at all. I don't care about his feelings. I spent enough time considering those. My only concerns lie with my children. It all seems so little, so late now though.

Since it has come out, my dd's father has not been to see her. Not sat and talked to her. Not contacted me to find out how she is and what's happening. Maybe he is being informed by the police. I don't really care. I'm beyond angry that he hasn't been to see her. That he isn't stood with me supporting her. Knowing him he will be feeling terribly sorry for himself. And unable to prioritise his daughters feelings. She needs to know that he loves her and is proud of her, believes her and doesn't blame her. My own partner has done more for her since it happened, spent time cuddling her when she wants it, doing silly things to make her laugh, taking her swimming and telling her how great he thinks she is. Should be her father but I'm grateful to my partner that at least he can put her first.

My dd is fine today. Normal day for her with school then getting the Christmas tree up. I know the best thing is for things to go back to normal for her. It just feels wrong to be normal again.

I want to go out there. I want to get a hold of this boy and hold him by his scruff in front of my daughter. I want him to beg her forgiveness, tell her he is a bad person and it's all his fault. I want to give my daughter the power back that he took from her when in his presence.

I can't of course. Oh how I wish I could.

I also want to knock on every door in that village and tell them that an animal, albeit a young one, lives on their door step and to keep their children close.

What I can say is that I fully believe, from the nature of his assaults on my daughter and the thought process he must have had behind them, that I believe this boy will assault again. When, who and how I don't know.

I'm sorry OP. I'm so, so sorry.

I believe your daughter will be ok because she had you as her mother. She will never feel judged, or disbelieved. She feels safe, and loved and that's because of you. I wish I could do something to help

Has*

Oh, this is heartbreaking to read Celestria, lots of love and support winging its way to you and your DD, I wish I could be there in RL for you, do you have friends to talk to? X

Christ, Celestria, my heart goes out to you all.

Support for your daughter - you will do this brilliantly
Future contact with her dad - I think you need to take legal advice. He does not sound fit.
Risk to other children from this 15yo monster - this is not within your power. It is the police/social services' job to manage. You are not responsible
Support for yourself - do not overlook this. You need and deserve it

Thinking of all of you

Feeling very stressed this evening.

Dd's father has made no effort to speak to dd since this came out four days ago. No phone calls or texts even just to ask if she is okay.

I had a call from the police today to tell me my DD's medical has been arranged for Wednesday. Also that the police had been trying to contact the kids father because he had been phoning and they thought it was to do with contact with the children.

I told the police woman that I am not preventing him from seeing his children, I am preventing my dd from having to see her abuser. That alternate contact arrangements have been offered to the children's father so he can still see them.

I then contacted him and I am so unhappy with his attitude. He expected the kids to still be going to his for Christmas and told me what a shit christmas he was going to have. I told him I didn't want my dd to feel that coming out with what's happened to her has resulted in the loss of her father, to which he said, well she has hasn't she, at least for now and things can't be the same again.

Once again it appears it's all about him and how he is feeling. I've left my job despite really needing the money (doesn't pay csa) and doing everything I can to support my dd. I feel he is just trying to back me into a corner so that eventually I will allow my dd to go out to his again. That won't happen. I told him he had no right to effectively make my dd choose between seeing her father and risk seeing her abuser, or not seeing her father.

I'm so stressed as I firmly believe she will benefit best from the support and love of both her parents. Her fathers reactions are reminding me of my own fathers and its setting me on edge.

I can't understand what kind of father doesn't even check his own dd is okay.

I am contacting children first tonight to talk it all through with them and also to see what professional support may be available to my dd in the aftermath of all this.

Would really love some wine tonight but I think it would be the undoing of me.

I was thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on.

1. He is a manipulative c**t. This is not about him.
2. Your daughter has to be kept safe. End of.
3. This will take time but you will get there. Just survive hour by hour then day by day. You will not fix this in a weekend, it will take months and years to get to resolution.
4. You are doing an amazing job. Unlikely to be doing a perfect job. That is OK. No-one would be perfect. As long as your daughter is safe, and feels safe, nothing else matters.
5. Start a list. Some things will have to wait until Monday, some for months, very few need to be done now.

Look after yourself. You are a great Mum.

God he's a wanker

You are doing the right thing. You know you are.

Have the police advised re where contact should take place?

What a shithead her father is!! I am so angry on your behalf. He is going to have a shit xmas.... what...did I hear that right??? How selfish and utterly depressing. I'm sorry he can't step up and be there for you and your Dd. You are doing an amazing job, stay strong. Xxxx

I'm just flabbergasted by how selfish he is being. He will have a shite christmas?! Whilst his daughter will carry memories of what happened to her throughout her life.

I've realised tonight how much more serious my dd is. She was always so carefree and never wanted to be inside. She also doted on her younger brothers but she is irritated by them recently. She suddenly seems to have grown up.

We were just watching the last episode of David Attenborough's Life Story together, all about animal parenthood. Half way through she looked up and said, I'm glad I have you mummy.

I've just read your thread from start to finish. I have no wise words, but I am really glad your dd has you too. You're a fucking legend, and these are for you
There are no words for her father, he's an utter waste of skin. Hang on in there.

This is truly moving.
You are amazing Celestria
Your daughter certainly will look back at this and say her mum did the absolute best thing for her, no doubt about it.
You have all of our support and admiration for being there for your daughter. Seriously, you are amazing.

Oh bless her

If you could be cloned to replace all the horrible mummies out there the world would be a better place Celestria

It seems to me that his attitude is dangerously similar to that of your own father, and to avoid the dreadful effect that his and your sm's attitude had on you, it would be better for your dd not to be subjected to her dad on his own at all, until he's got himself sorted out.

Can contact take place near you, just for a few hours at a time perhaps? Is there someone who could supervise/oversee it, so that if he starts being an arse they can put a stop to it?

Oh and don't pull your punches with him. If he witters on about how awful it is for, then just remind him that it is nothing nothing like what your 8yo dd is having to deal with and to grow the fuck up.

God your dd's father is a a humoungous TWAT of the biggest proportions. Sorry but don't even ALLOW him to register any more precious headspace. He can step the fuck to one side until he shows responsibility and step up to decent parenting. Seriously, I feel angry for you but I don't want you to feel angry about your dd's father. It's a waste of your time and energy - he's aint worth it.

I am SO sorry to hear about what's happened to your dd. Be prepared for a battle on your hands with the shitser's parents. They may well put the blame on your dc. But no matter how hard it is, fight tooth and nail for justice. Go all the f*cking way. Be prepared for a lot of people to think it's your dd's fault. I'm just preparing you because I've seen this happen in RL.

You are a strong lady. Keep composed and strong for your dd as a lot of what happens now and the support she gets from you and your hubby will minimise much of the impact on her emotional wellbeing in the future.

Go to pieces here, scream, shout. We are hear for you.

FWIW - I completely agree, a 15 year old knows what he is doing. It's premediated, he KNOWS its a crime, and he is a danger to the public. Same as the 15 year old that deliberately undressed himself in front of my own dc (just 3 at the time). My dc wasn't raped but it was deliberate. We went to the police. Some Mumsnetter's know my story. Point I'm trying to make, is that many folks in my family circle made out that the 15 year old dc (who is in my family) was mentally ill. No fucking way do I see or believe it.

Personally, I think some people are born evil.

Well done you for having the strength and courage to open up to your kids and tell them what happened to you. If you hadn't your dd2 may have kept hold of this secret.

You're clearly a strong mother and should be proud of your equally strong daughter. And I'm sure everyone else here will agree with me when I say, if you ever need some venting, we're all here for you

I've held my tongue for the past few days but I'm not doing it anymore. The phone call with you tonight and your whole behaviour in dealing with this has really really pissed me off.

Your daughter is going through hell and back. Yet you are more concerned about how you will have a shite christmas. Over the last four days, not one text have I had from you, asking if your daughter, at the very least, is okay. You are perfectly able to come through to town and take the kids out or take them up to my mums, yet you say you won't be seeing her for while until you move. Your daughter is the victim here. Not you. She needs her father to do a lot more than just give her a hug for two minutes. She needs you to explain as much as I have that this boy was wrong. He was to blame. You are glad she told me. You will make sure she doesn't have to see him again. How bloody proud you are of her for being a total hero and not only telling me but going through everything the police want even when at times she's been totally terrified. But no, you appear to be sticking your head in the sand and I'm sick of it.

I get that this has been a shock. I get that it's hard. Because it's been exactly the same for me. Except I've had to hold it together to support her through numerous questionings, police recordings, listen to her say what that boy did to her. Quit my job, do whatever it takes to help her right now. What she went through is beyond terrible, that alone will stay with her. But so will damage done to her from wondering where you are in all of this.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting over how this has made life hard for you. You are walking a very very thin line with me at the moment with your snappy attitude and selfish comments on the phone. If you can't put your daughter first and be there for her in what may end up being the most serious event of her life, don't expect me to feel happy about leaving her or any of the other kids in your care in future.

Text I sent to him tonight as communicating over the phone is useless. I'm really really angry over his attitude and seriously questioning whether he should see his kids unsupervised in the future. I've always been loathe to go down that route as I believe children should have a relationship with both parents. However I can list so many concerns and now this. What happens next?

I've reached a stage where I have accepted this has happened. I just haven't reached the stage where I can accept I can't undo it for her. It's crazy how many what if I had' s run through your mind.

What if I had gone to the csa so I didn't have to work at weekends? What if I had put a stop to them going out there after dd1 ended up in serious danger because of his irresponsibility. I just wanted to try do the right thing by my children.

What breaks my heart too is that when I was telling my dd's why I didn't speak to my dad etc, I was telling them how much I was trying to give them a safe, happy, loving childhood that I never had. All the while not knowing what had happened to my dd.

Throughout my breakdown in the new year,my crisis team counselling and private counselling, over and over again I told them how My children were my world and that I could handle anything thrown at me because I was doing my best to give them a great childhood.

Last year, I had overheard my dd2 telling her sister that a boy at school had been asking her for sex. I got to the bottom of it and informed the school. Nothing had happened but he had been very persistent and my dd2 was upset. He actually turned up at the house to call for her. She stood behind me whilst I told him he wasn't ever to call for her again.

I protected her then. I was there for her then. I warned her about how some boys could be and not to be alone with them. But it wasn't enough.

She is a beautiful looking little girl. She's actually my complete double, I have a photo of me at her age and one of her side by side and you can barely tell the difference. She has my big brown eyes and olive skin, dimples and wavy hair.

It sounds so wrong but I always knew if any one was going to try anything, it was always going to be her. Maybe because she's so like me and it was me that was 'selected' by my abuser.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling a bit. Just all these thoughts tumbling around in my head.

Oh my love, I'm so sorry - for all of it, what happened to both you and your DD and about her father. He's something else isn't he. Wanker. However, your DD has your DH as a positive 'Dad' role model, so hopefully she won't feel the same way you did. If it were me, from everything you have said, he would only be getting formally supervised contact, in a contact centre, and then only if the DD's really pushed for it, the further damage he could do with his 'poor daddy' bullshit is a risk I wouldn't take. Also, and more significantly maybe, is the fact you feel he knew or suspected about this las yet didn't protect her and there have been past issues too...I would definitely refuse anything other than official supervised visits in a contact centre.

How's dd1 dealing with it?