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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD has been sexually abused. (Triggers)

88 replies

Celestria · 10/12/2014 10:53

I have a thread about something else, a separate issue so wanted to start a fresh one as I really need support just now and I don't want the two issues being muddled together.

Two nights ago my 8yo Dd2 broke the news to me that a 15 year old boy had raped her on four or five occasions, on weekends when in her fathers care (I work weekends)

The last 36 hours has been a nightmare of phone calls, CID, police, social services, child protection and so many tears.

It came out because I'd made the decision to tell both my DD's why I didn't speak to my father. This was due to abuse I suffered at 7yo by a 15yo cousin and my family disbelieving me. Because I opened up about that, my dd2 felt safe to tell me what had been happening to her.

My world has fallen apart. Without going into details, I've been through hell and back since I was a child but nothing comes close to what it does to you, hearing practically your own story coming from your babies mouth. It's destroyed me. My worst nightmare come true.

My DD2 has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. She has done her best to tell all professionals involved what happened to her. Even when she has been so scared she can't speak and so wrote it down. I'm in awe of her strength and resilience. She is my little heroine.

There is another little girl that this lad is regularly around and she is being spoken to today. They strongly suspect he will have been doing things to her.

Thankfully, I've been through this myself and I know how to handle it with my DD2. She knows it's not her fault. She knows she didn't do anything to bring it on. She knows she is believed, is safe and doesn't have to see him again. I've also started looking into specialist counselling for her and am doing everything in my power to make sure the damage done from this is a limited as possible.

Inside though, I just feel this has finally broken me. I comforted myself that although my own abuse was horrendous and how I was treated afterward was horrendous, that it would never ever happen to my children. The fact that it has, has just killed something in me. I need this thread to fall apart in, so I can stay strong for her in RL.

The whole situation is double bladed in that it's almost parallel to what happened to me and is bringing back terrible memories and things I fought hard to block out. I'm so glad I can do the right things for her. And so bitter that my own father couldn't do it for me. My head is one spinning mess.

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 10/12/2014 15:03

Have you and her father spoken? Is he being supportive?

Wednesdaywine · 10/12/2014 19:11

I hope you and your dd are ok and sending you hugs. My 8 year old dd told me earlier this year she was being abused by a family "friend". The shock, horror, guilt takes over. Keep strong and you have created a safe environment for her. Lots of hugs x

Meerka · 10/12/2014 19:16

celestria ... no words, only hope for comfort and healing for you both.

On a practical note, are you eating regularly, drinking enough and can you ask the doctor for sleeping tablets for a while?

Will you be able to find outside support for her if you feel it's needed?

I am so very sorry to read this.

strongagain1985 · 10/12/2014 21:12

I'm so very sorry this has happened to your Dd. You sound amazing and I think your Dd is very lucky to have such a strong supportive mother. I cant begin to imagine what this has done to you, I hope you have people around you who can look after you in this while you continue to support your Dd. I was sexually abused as a child and I now have 3 Dds under five. I dont know how I would handle something like this. Sending lots of hugs and hand holding. Xxx

theprodigalmum · 10/12/2014 21:26

just to echo what pp's have said to you about you obviously being a wonderful mum Celestria. You made it possible for your daughter to talk to you and know she would be believed and protected.
Something major but unrelated happened to me in childhood too, and it's our greatest fear that our children should have to go through what we went through. The difference is your daughter will not suffer guilt, humiliation or lack of trust in others; because unlike you with your horrible DF, she is being looked after in the best possible way. I think it's heartening that you said at least your experience is bei g useful. Poor both of you. Heartfelt

chocolatespiders · 10/12/2014 21:30

How awful - stay strong. You sound an amazing Mum, please dont beat yourself up about the weekend work.

BeASpacegirl · 10/12/2014 21:41

So sorry to read this, my heart goes out to you all. You're an amazing mum, your girl will get through this with you by her side.

Mintyy · 10/12/2014 21:47

How utterly heartbreaking and sickening for you both Celestria.

How has this happened in your ex's care? Presumably he is being interviewed by the Police?

I hope this means she will not be allowed contact with him again?

Original poster

Celestria · 10/12/2014 21:59

Thanks everyone.

Mintyy, her father had allowed her out to play with her friend and this lad plays with them too. However I was not allowed to tell her father the name of this lad yet he guessed it straight away. I asked him why he thought it was this lad. He said when my dd came back from playing he always asked her if everything had been okay. As far as I am concerned, he had some sort of inkling as it's not usual to check your children are okay after playing with friends.

My dd will never have to see this lad again. Unfortunately her father lives in this lads area and so he won't be having the children at weekends anymore. It's up to him to sort out something if he wants them, as I will not put my dd in a terrible position of having to go back out there if she wants to see her father.

I am okay myself. Better this evening and I have ate. My dd is going back to school tomorrow. I'm keen to have normality for her and back into her usual routine. She is happy to go and generally is so much brighter now she isn't carrying this on her own. She is suffering nightmares, though they don't appear to be about what happened but scary dreams about being chased by wolves and other things.

OP posts:

Hissy · 10/12/2014 22:00

i too am so sorry this has happened to your dd and to you.

please know that you are being a superb parent to your dd, and you will be of immense support and help to her.

Mintyy · 10/12/2014 22:08

You were not allowed to tell her father the name of this boy who raped her? Excuse me??

Ohfourfoxache · 10/12/2014 22:10

Sounds like she is relieved to be able to talk about it.

You did that. You put her at ease. You allowed her to open up to you, and you are the reason that this has now stopped and she doesn't have to go back there.

You are an incredible mum

Blu · 10/12/2014 22:26

I am so sorry, for what happened to you and your dd.

There is no one who can care for her better than you - because you are her Mum, because of the 'you-ness' of you, because you believed her straight away and because, sadly, you have experience.
But I am sure you would have been the right and best Mum to her had you been allowed the childhood you deserved and had a right to.

Thinking of you as you go through this.

Original poster

Celestria · 10/12/2014 22:41

Yes mintyy. Because her father lives very close to this lad and the police were worried he could take matters into his own hands or alert the boy to the fact an investigation is taking place.

OP posts:

Anonnynonny · 10/12/2014 22:47

So sorry this has happened to you and your DD Celestria.

Have you called Crisis? They will help.

Anonnynonny · 10/12/2014 22:50

Sorry that should say Rape Crisis. Don't know what happened there.

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor · 10/12/2014 23:06

Oh OP, that is so so awful. Hugs to both of you. You sound like a brilliant mum. I'm sure you're doing all the right things for your daughter.

uurrghhhhhh · 10/12/2014 23:09

Letitsnow9 · 11/12/2014 10:43

I will be thinking of you this morning

Letitsnow9 · 11/12/2014 10:46

Sorry I posted on the wrong thread, I thought I was posting on one from yesterday of a mum who had just found out last night.

I read your thread too, am sad you have both been through this but she couldn't have a mummy who is more understand and supportive than you

CheeseBuster · 11/12/2014 12:54

I don't understand why a 15yo was playing out with an 8yo? Is he a 15yo mentally? I mean surely people, even other children thought this was odd? What about other children that are still playing with him, has anyone alerted their parents that he shouldn't be alone with their children?

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2014 13:03

Maybe he was just "hanging out" as teens do.

cailindana · 11/12/2014 13:15

I was abused as a child and the way I see it is that abuse, awful as it is, can be seen as one of those things that happen, like a car crash. It is awful and out of your control but with the right help and support you can move past it. IMO what makes abuse so damaging is the responses of the people around the abused person. I spoke to my "mother" twice about the abuse and her response was that I should shut up about it, get over it, not tell my dad, not 'overreact'. It was her reaction that damaged me, not the abuse itself (although it was awful and took time to get over). Her reaction made me feel like this awful random thing that had happened was a disgusting secret, that I had no right to feel bad about it, that no one really cared about my suffering. That was what caused the hurt I felt.

It is very sad that your daughter experienced this abuse. But your support and quick action has shown her that she is loved and she will be able to put this behind her as a awful chapter in her life that her loved ones helped her through. She will see that she is a valuable person who didn't in any way deserve the abuse and she will understand that it wasn't her fault in any way. Understanding that, and being able to talk about it openly, will help her to move past any festering feelings of shame that she might have. She can come out of this as a whole, healthy person who happens to have some sad things in her past, like everyone. Abuse is not a badge you have to wear for life. It is awful, it is a crime, it shouldn't ever happen but it in now way defines or limits the victim. She was very unfortunate that this happened to her, but her life can and will be just as sunny and rosy as it might have been had it never happened.

Be sure to look for support for yourself in all this.

I want you to be aware of what a massive difference you are making to your DD's life simply by being there for her. You will get through this.

Anonnynonny · 11/12/2014 13:34

Beautiful, moving post CailinDana.

Celestria I hope it has comforted you.

Something else occurred to me: you're going to be so focused on supporting your DD that you may find demons about what happened to you in childhood that you didn't realise were still there, come and bite you on the arse.

Please do make sure you're getting RL support both for yourself and your child because the more support you have, the better you'll be able to support her.

If you haven't already phoned Rape Crisis, please do.

Ohfourfoxache · 11/12/2014 14:16

cailindana - what a lovely, lovely post. I'm so sorry you went through what you did.

Just checking in to see how you're doing Celestria - how did it go with getting back to school?

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