This is pretty needy is'nt it? Is it a red flag?

[yellowdettol]

I've been dating a guy for a few months. The other day we were in his kitchen when someone mentioned the Brownies/Girl Guides on the radio and I said "Oh I loved being in the Brownies! It was one of the happiest times of my life".

My boyfriend then said, "What do you mean? Happier than now we are together?" and he seemed quite cross about it. I was abit by this outburst and asked if he was being serious. He was. I felt really uncomfortable and thought what a dickish thing to say.

What do others think?

You have only just become official BF/GF and already he is doing this. Can you imagine what he will be like in another year?

"One last chance" is how women end up in abusive relationships for years and years. We are conditioned by society to not give up on the poor weak men, to understand that if we put enough effort in then we can change them, train them, teach them. This is bullshit.

He acts like this because he is a twat and, forgive me, you are a twat if you give him another chance.

To quote Obi Wan "who is more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?"

Why waste your time waiting for behaviour he's already displayed? LTB and use that time you've saved to find someone decent.

He's definitely a wrong-un OP. Get rid. Very creepy indeed.

Just so long as it is absolutely definitely a last chance op! Or, you know, we'll come looking for you

Last chance?? Blimey, HUGE massive big red flags here OP. Seriously, the man (or dangerous, controlling arsehole) should not be in your life for a second more.

Why, why, why do so many of these women who start these threads and get an overwhelmingly unanimous response still not take the advice on board ?

Do they think we all sit on the end of our broadband connections waiting to destroy perfectly good relationsips or summat ?

Waking you up when he wakes up; it will move to keeping you awake till he goes to sleep. That is a huge red flag. I am afraid I agree with the posters who say give him another chance to do what??

Who knows? apparently we're bitter man haters

I went out with a right creep. ok didn't know he was until later on, but he couldn't sleep (the one night I stayed there) fucking said out LOUD (and I mean loud) "Oh I won't sleep tonight, no point in trying" lots of huffing and puffing etc over and over until I woke up.

wouldn't mind, but he wasn't waking me up for anything worthwhile, he couldn't get it up either.

nowadays i'd have got up and gone home tbh.

my ex woke me up a couple of times to make a point. the last time he did it, it was comedy gold. even at the time.

but this just cemented my contempt for him.

this after 10 years of the kind of shit the op describes.

one more chance to treat you like an idiot? naaah! you're worth better than this!

no, we're not man haters.

there are more good men than there are abusers.

abusers aren't men (or women for that matter) they are just abusers. they don't deserve the title of anything relating to human being.

they never get any better, only worse. sure they can stop being abusive anytime they like, but they don't. because they choose to insist on exerting control over others to make themselves feel bigger/better.

they can only be great by stealing and destroying those who are better than them.

An absolute YES to above. How can anyone ever not say you are RIGHT.

Its also about reading things on here and knowing fulwell these women will go and take this abuse again and again. Its very hard to let it go. I want to cry for all their pain but yet again I want to shake them to say this is NOT what good men (people) do EVER.

please make the time to watch that bbc programme. really illuminates the situation of the victim.

they are so conditioned to accept thhe abuser's normal, or fear the consequences eventually the abnormal IS the normal.

other people's normal is terrifying actually, because it's so alien. the silence, lack of pace, rollercoaster etc is bewildering.

in the absence of chaos, the victim is conditioned to expect the worst.

Im getting carried away here... its hard not to.

OP, you are, what a few months into something where the "red flags" are in abundance. This has not crept up on you, as it does sometimes and with many. HE IS TELLING YOU very quickly that he is an awful person. YOU cannot fix him, you cannot pour LOVE all over his wounded heart. HE IS A selfish nasty PIG. And actually hats off to YOU for seeing it early.

Op. I respect your decision, of course, but let me give you another personal anecdote about the sleeping/waking issue.

First morning after moving in with ex I woke up, excited to be in our new home. He then woke up, looked at me with contempt and said "I don't like to be woken". Rolled over and pretended to go back to sleep. I was completely gob smacked.

A pattern soon emerged. If I didn't go to bed at the same time there would be looks and sighing. When I did then go to bed lots of meaningful noises about being woken. Lots of comments the next day that I'd broken his nights sleep.

If I went to bed before him lots of comments about being left alone, me not being very friendly etc, etc.

The message: you will go to bed when I do. This then translates into the rest of your relationship - he is in control.

Oh and if he gives a "sob" story where his mother was shit to him etc. SO was mine, I CHOSE not to take her path.

Waking you up, getting upset when you don't answer the phone, jealousy of your past….RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

OP is currently to be found with fingers in ears, singing "la la la"

This is definitely the best time to end it. You know there will be a next one, but you are reluctant to end it. Ask yourself why.
How do you think it will go? Will you keep giving him chance after chance until you have kids and can't find a way out?

It took me lots of threads and advice for me to finally break my relationship. I finally did it!
OP, keep coming back.

Dump, OP!

It can be your good turn for the day :)

I've just come out of a relationship with a man I knew was insecure and needy quite early on. Unfortunately I made all the classic errors, thinking a bit more time would help/talking things through openly etc. Plus I've felt insecure in the past so wanted to reassure him. In retrospect I was also mightily flattered by his total lovebombing of me - very addictive if you succumb to it - which I did (ignoring the tiny tinkle of red flag bells). Oh and the sex was great..

A few months of this later and a few more tinkly red flag bells, I got this odd feeling in me which I can only describe as feeling repelled by him physically. Closeness became harder
for me. My patience with his needs began to dry up and I got snappy. That feeling grew and grew over the next few months until I could barely stand to be in the same room. We've just split up and to my shame not even because I got the guts up to end it (harder and harder the longer you stay in it - especially if you are prone to second guessing yourself) but because he found some other woman to meet his endless needs behind my back. Oh and we were still talking about how to 'fix' our relationship... just stamp mug on my forehead right now...

Honestly, listen to your gut, it's trying to help you. Don't be me a year down the line..

OP, might I suggest that since you wish to give him another chance you challenge him on the waking you up and missing his phone call thing the next time he does it, and every time after that, and see how he reacts. Neither of these behaviours of his are normal or acceptable, but bet unless you acquiesce he will show more of his nasty self.

The problem is that if you challenge him, he will probably back down, because he will want to keep you sweet.
And you will have a constant struggle challenging him as the relationship goes by.
Until you find yourself vulnerable. Either ill, pregnant, with a baby, unemployed or something else. Then he will step it up.

Listen to how he IS now. He is telling you. You can't change him. You can only take it or leave it.