'D'H away - so peaceful but it's an illusion

[MrBusterIPresume]

‘D’H is a self-absorbed workaholic and (I think) EA – usually manifesting as an entitled attitude and lots of sly and/or passive–aggressive verbal digs. For the past 2 weeks he has been away travelling for work. It has been so restful, mentally and emotionally.

I haven’t caught myself watching the door, wondering what ridiculously late hour of the evening he’ll come home and make a face because his dinner is in the fridge to be heated up. I haven’t had that vaguely apprehensive feeling, wondering what sort of mood he’ll be in when he walks in or what has gone wrong for him that day. DCs and I have spent time at home without his perpetual presence at the computer ignoring us. I have planned outings with the DCs without that nagging feeling of resentment that I’m the only one that ever does organise things, and without anyone huffing and puffing or making little pointed comments about our plans. I have had more energy and have got a few outstanding household jobs out of the way. I have felt happy in my own company, relaxed, contented. DCs and I have been carrying on our lives as normal, just without him in it. It’s so tempting to think this is how it would be if we separated.

But it’s not, it’s an illusion. The reality of separation would be him being difficult, trying to manipulate the children, accusing me of all sorts. I know because I’ve had a taste of it when we’ve been close to the brink before. The reality would be cajoling DC1, who doesn’t like spending time with H, and DC2, who just wants to be with me, into going off to him for contact, and being accused of turning the DCs against him of they are reluctant to go. The reality would be major upheaval, a house move, new schools - we couldn’t afford for me and DCs to remain in our home, or even in the same area.

Don’t know why I’m posting, really. I think I just need to vent - it’s the sadness of realising that the past couple of weeks is how I’d really like my life to be, but I won’t have that even if I do screw up enough courage to ltb.

Hard to believe he us in a job where he can't check emails etc remotely from home or his mobile. Must be some job he has to go check paperwork at ten pm to his office. .... Not v believe able.

nicenewdusters, the DCs were pleased to see him, and seemingly not just because of the presents he brought. He didn't have much to do with them. He half-heartedly suggested doing the bath and bed routine, but DCs prefer me to do it anyway (they are creatures of habit) and if he does it he tends not to prioritise getting them to bed quickly and calmly.

AF, I don't think there's an OW. Apologies for the drip-feed (didn't want my OP to be any longer than it was), but a couple of years ago he had a crush on a work colleague that he basically nurtured into an obsession. Completely one-sided, she didn't reciprocate (almost had him disciplined, in fact), and she no longer works at the same place.

Since then I snoop. With a clear conscience as his laptop is always on, even when he's not home, and it isn't password-protected. He wasn't clever enough to hide the 91 pages of shite adolescent poetry he wrote to the object of his crush, or the draft of the MN OP that he posted at the time (that thread makes for fun reading), so I doubt that he'd be clever enough to hide his tracks if he was seeing someone now. I could be wrong, though - I once thought he'd never be emotionally unfaithful to me either.

cestlavie he doesn't use work remotely as cannily as I do he could, and I think uses it as an excuse not to spend time at home. However a fair chunk of his paperwork requires looking at documents that musn't be taken away from his place of work, so it is actually plausible.

Ok, you know him better than I, but disappearing on a flimsy pretext at that time of night when he had been away from home is dodgy

To be honest though, your extra information just makes me wonder all the more how you can stand to be under the same roof as him

He sounds completely pathetic

I can't really stand to be under the same roof as him. That's the problem.

But getting to this point has been a gradually-evolving process, and until relatively recently he has been rather good at making me feel like our problems are as much fault as his. And initially I had hope that things could improve. This man genuinely used to be my best friend. Then we had DCs and he wasn't my sole focus anymore.

Sorry, posted too soon.

Then we had DCs and he wasn't my sole focus anymore Looking back that's when it started to unravel.

He is inadequate. Jealous of his own kids, making a prick of himself at work mooning over ow, writing love poetry ffs

He certainly did a number on you if you have ever taken any responsibility for his dysfunction. I am glad you are waking up now.

That's so often when the overt abuse starts OP (the cycle of abuse will have begun in the early stage of the relationship) - when the first baby arrives. An abusive or a narcissistic man has everything just how he likes it, feeling secure only when he knows he can keep you under control. When the baby comes he can't control everything any more, in addition the baby competition for his attention. He wants you for himself. That's exactly what happened to the poor woman in the Panorama programme.

How bloody awful that you are going through this. It must be very hard to come to terms with.

Yes, with the benefit of hindsight and lots of time spent reading Relationships threads and Lundy Bancroft, I can now see that the red bunting was waving in the breeze from quite early on. At the time I had no idea that EA even existed, so didn't know what I was looking at.

It was the same for me, OP. Red bunting flapping in the wind from early on. But I ignored them, not realising how entrenched or how much worse it would be when dc arrived. Stbxh professed to want 5 children and wanted to be a SAHP. In reality one dc was more than he could handle. We ended up having 2. He was and continues to be an angry, stressed, disengaged and unimaginitive parent.

H has come home from his trip with some news that complicates things still further. The details are a bit too identifiable so I've started a thread in the other place - if anyone from here has the time to take a look and comment, I'd be extremely grateful.

The other place?

Netmums?

Hi OP.... and big hi to Handywoman - your story looks just like mine, but yes it's easy to see the red bunting in hindsight. I went on to have two children with XH and despite him signing up completely (both dcs are IVF so you have to physically sign lots of things!) he continues to be an 'angry, stressed, disengaged and unimaginative parent' - all the while telling me what a shit parent I am of course. High Five to you!

I digress...hope you're ok MrBuster - don't know how to get your news but whatever it is, you can still get out of this horrible relationship. There is an end to it.

Thanks Poppy.

I'm sorry to be so cryptic, but if I spell out where the other thread is it kind of defeats the purpose of putting it there. Not trying to be annoying, just cautious.