'D'H away - so peaceful but it's an illusion

[MrBusterIPresume]

‘D’H is a self-absorbed workaholic and (I think) EA – usually manifesting as an entitled attitude and lots of sly and/or passive–aggressive verbal digs. For the past 2 weeks he has been away travelling for work. It has been so restful, mentally and emotionally.

I haven’t caught myself watching the door, wondering what ridiculously late hour of the evening he’ll come home and make a face because his dinner is in the fridge to be heated up. I haven’t had that vaguely apprehensive feeling, wondering what sort of mood he’ll be in when he walks in or what has gone wrong for him that day. DCs and I have spent time at home without his perpetual presence at the computer ignoring us. I have planned outings with the DCs without that nagging feeling of resentment that I’m the only one that ever does organise things, and without anyone huffing and puffing or making little pointed comments about our plans. I have had more energy and have got a few outstanding household jobs out of the way. I have felt happy in my own company, relaxed, contented. DCs and I have been carrying on our lives as normal, just without him in it. It’s so tempting to think this is how it would be if we separated.

But it’s not, it’s an illusion. The reality of separation would be him being difficult, trying to manipulate the children, accusing me of all sorts. I know because I’ve had a taste of it when we’ve been close to the brink before. The reality would be cajoling DC1, who doesn’t like spending time with H, and DC2, who just wants to be with me, into going off to him for contact, and being accused of turning the DCs against him of they are reluctant to go. The reality would be major upheaval, a house move, new schools - we couldn’t afford for me and DCs to remain in our home, or even in the same area.

Don’t know why I’m posting, really. I think I just need to vent - it’s the sadness of realising that the past couple of weeks is how I’d really like my life to be, but I won’t have that even if I do screw up enough courage to ltb.

And I do read on MN stories of DCs who are desperately unhappy post-separation, even when (or perhaps because) the NRP doesn't act in the DCs' best interests.

At the moment my DCs are at least moderately happy at home, and very happy at school (where they spend the majority of their waking weekday hours). I have to at least consider the possibility that a separation will leave them unhappy at home and unhappy at school. Wish I had a crystal ball.

I'm not criticising you, and I'm sorry if it came across that way. All I'm trying to say is formulate a plan. Maybe you could start by finding out where you stand on school fees post-split, speak to a solicitor to see how likely it is that your husband would still be required to pay them. If it really isn't possible, start looking around at schools, see if you can find good state schools in areas that you could afford.

I'm sure you really do have your DCs best interests at heart, but no matter how happy they are at school, if they have to come home to an EA father, it's only a matter of time before they thrive less.

I'm sorry if I upset you

Yup OP - I'm sure many long-term psychological studies have shown that if children are happy at school it doesn't matter what their home life is like. Not.

Sorry to be sarcastic, but your thinking is a bit backwards. Not surprising as he is fucking with your head and you don't have anyone in RL to process this with.

Do please find someone to talk this through with, a helpline will do. Think about how you would react if a good friend of yours presented you with the information you have given us. What would you say?

You don't need a crystal ball to know that if you stay and your children stay in this environment with their abusive father, then that will damage them and stay with them in all their future relationships. Their grasp of what is acceptable in a relationship will be shaky and fragile to say the least.

Sure, you don't know what will happen if you separate from this man... that is the most scary thing about it, in that you just don't know how it will be. And yes there is a lot of anxiety around that.

What you have to hang on to, however, is that you sure as hell know what life will be like if you stay with him. Not pleasant. What your children will remember about their childhoods is the atmosphere at home - yes they will remember school, maybe very fondly as a welcome refuge from home - but do you think that is adequate?

Please think what you would say to a friend going through this. It ain't worth it.

MrBuster is there any way you can bring that promotion forward? Would it be crazy to ask for it now? If you don't ask, you don't get. Do you need further qualifications or training to get that promotion?

I am sorry you are going through this. You have mental clarity and that is the first step at least.

I will tell my salutary tale, I have told it before on mn and also to a few friends in similar circs. My mother was in a loveless, controlling marriage for years, but stuck really stuck as people were in the 70s, for all kinds of reasons, fear of what people would say, of upsetting her own parents, money worries. She finally extricated herself when we were all grown up, she was mid 50s and should have done it twenty years before. Is that what you want?

Sorry to be harsh, but you don't see any future with this man, you deserve better than this - as my mother did. Cliche, I know, but you only get one life.

Courage!

Regardless of schools, they will be happier for longer if you separate sooner. They could be thriving and happy in most schools. Home life is the area that needs to be safe and happy.

OP, I have no dazzling advice to offer, but only the observation that I grew up in a very unhappy marriage with a very controlling and difficult (possibly narcissistic) father: everybody had to walk on eggshells around him.

By the time I was 12 or 13, I used to wish he would just disappear. I know that having him for my father made me deeply paranoid about men in general and relationships in particular. Luckily for me I did encounter some really decent, solid, kind adult men in my teens, so I knew that not all men were like my 'D'F. I made a deliberate decision to avoid men who reminded me of him: I had a very sedate and boring romantic life as a teenager and young adult.

I suppose what I'm saying is that, for the sake of your DC's longterm happiness, you would be wiser to get out rather than stay in. This would have the side-effect that you would be happier too.

I was lucky: things worked out well for me. I was about to say that I can't imagine what life must be like for you, but actually, I remember my DM, and I can, all too clearly.

OP I think you have some valid points. While I think you should separate from him, worrying about the children having to spend time with him on their own, and the shittiness he will inflict on you all, is a reasonable worry.

Another option would be to plan to leave, but take your time. Research everything, save money, get all the legal advice you can so you know what will happen financially. Get promoted and wait until the kids are old enough that their views will matter and they will be able to call/text you and so on if they are with him. Mentally build up to it - having a plan will make it easier to become more detached and less bothered by him and model that to your DC too.

I'm not saying that's the best plan - but it's a plan to help you get there if you're not quite there yet, IYSWIM.

You being fully detached may also make him leave, with any luck. If he really cannot get any jollies out of tormenting you, he might look for someone else.

.....why not sooner rather than later? It's tricky though. In a few years time it is quite likely that I will have been promoted and earn enough to make separation more financially viable.

I don't want to look back and regret that I left too soon and had to make changes that wouldn't have been necessary if I'd waited a little longer.

....this is fear talking, through the guise of rationality. And this is COMPLETELY understandable. So please don't view that as a criticism.

But I've truly never heard of someone saying 'I wish I hadn't left my ea relationship so soon - I should have waited.' There really is no perfect time.

Having said that, the age of your DC is a factor if you want to minimise disruption to them. Children of primary school age adapt faster to new friends, and new locations, than older children, IMVHO. So it may not be in their best interests to wait.

My best suggestion is to start taking very small steps forward, now.

Really ? Are they happy and thriving ? When one doesn't like to be around his own father and the other only wants to be with you... I think you can only see the weight lift when you move on.... Kids are good at hiding how they feel... It is all they know...they get on with it....

As was said the only regret you may have is not taking action sooner. Ask your kids how they have felt with dad away.

I've read a few threads tonight where I've realised I'm a step further down the line, and am glad of it.

He hasn't left, but we are in mediation and it IS happening. Timing is shit what with Christmas and all but the decision has been made, the discussion has been had.

Baby steps is what our mediator tells us, and it is frustrating, but we are making progress and we are breaking up, and that in itself is a relief.

It might be worth booking a session with Relate (you can have an online chat with a counsellor for free) and a free (or reduced rate) session with a solicitor. It will all help you get your head straight and put you on the path.

Little steps is what I'm trying to do (and about all I can seem to manage).

I have had legal advice, which confirmed my suspicions and didn't throw up any new solutions.

I know roughly what our house is worth and what I'd get for CM. I've done several tax credit calculators to see what I'd be entitled to - the answer seems to be nothing unless I have childcare costs (I earn just shy of 40K so not a surprise).

Re schools, Plan A would be to beg for financial assistance from the current schools, even just for a year to give me time to arrange another option. I'm quite prepared to grovel and the worst they can say is no. Plan B is to find an area with housing in my budget that also has good schools - I saw a good website recommended for this on another thread.

No hope of early promotion, unfortunately. There are very clear requirements and I don't meet them yet, although I'm working on it. I'm spending an awful lot of headspace thinking about my marriage and what to do, though, and this gets in the way of concentrating properly on work. Maybe I need to consider the possibility that I might achieve promotion faster out of the marriage than in it.

I don't think counselling would help at the moment. I know what I ought to do, just can't get to the point of actually doing it. Yet.

Have just read that back and realised I might have given the impression that I've had legal advice etc since my last post (which would make me sound like something living under a bridge).

I have in fact been working on this for a while.

I will add something later.

Oh and also, while you stay, keep a record of all the abusive/manipulative/difficult behaviour, including towards your DC. Every time he does it, it's another entry for your book. If he does anything really bad (any kind of threat for example), make sure it's reported to police and talk to WA.

you are doing well.

make plans.

let your children talk to you.
ask open ended questions.

You say your DC are under ten - do you want to say how old? That's possibly quite significant - because, although I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with the fact that most if not all people would say in hindsight 'I wish I'd left sooner' - I can see the validity of your other points.

So - if your children are, say, nine and seven - you might indeed be better seeing it out for a while. Get more savings behind you, plan, and before you know it, it will be time for the eldest to move schools anyway (or, if fee-paying school is through to 16, they'll be at the point where if they move to another (state) school, they'll be joining at the same point as all the other new children). So you move then, and either bite the bullet and move the younger one, OR you might find you can afford two more years of one lot of fees instead of two, especially if you move to a pretty small property.

The other thing is that at this point in age, your children, who you say already pretty much dislike their father thanks to his behaviour, will be approaching ages where they ARE able to have a bit more say. Not enough to stop contact, but he'll find it ever more difficult to force them to do stuff, his influence will get weaker and weaker, especially once they are away from him in an everyday sense and move out of his orbit a bit. And you'll be happier, stronger and able to help them along. That would be a good, possibly the best point to make the move.

But, if your children are four and six - I'd say LEAVE. There is so much time to elapse before this easier point, that it's simply going to break you, and them, to live so much time and so much of their childhoods like this.

DC1 is 8, Castle. There are some good state secondary options in our area, and I am increasingly thinking that aiming for a secondary that eases the strain on the finances (plus quite likely I'd be promoted by that time) might be a way forward. One lot of fees for a few years for DC2 is potentially do-able.

(Or am I just liking this option because it puts off making a decision for a few years?)

(Or am I just liking this option because it puts off making a decision for a few years?)

Separation leads to upheaval to a greater or lesser degree. It's unavoidable. While you are trying to minimise it you need to remember that it is absolutely unavoidable: do you want to start the repair process when your DC are older or as soon as possible?
That feeling that you are having when the kids are in bed and you have calm at the end of the day. That could be how you feel every day in less than 6 months.

I so relate to this post. sorry you are in this situation
Wouldn't your OH continue to pay school fees if you were separated?

Well, he's back.

Came home, handed out presents, asked DCs and I in a fairly cursory way what had been happening while he was gone, ate supper with us. And then decided he had to go in to work to see what had accumulated in the way of paperwork to deal with. At 10pm. Came home at 1am, then got up at 5-ish to go in to work early, waking me up with his alarm an hour before I had to get up. His contracted hours are 9-5, btw.

He is being an irritating combination of Mr. Nice (which makes me look like a bitch because I don't feel like I can just let my guard down at the drop of a hat) and Mr. Needy (standing next to me while I'm doing chores, clearly wanting a conversation, but not actually initiating one himself).

I really, really don't want to live like this any more.

well, the good news is you don't have to.

Just wondering how your children are since he got back ? Were they pleased to see him, did he spend much time with them ?

he went off to see OW, right ?

AF may have a point. Is it worth doing a bit of snooping? Would he normally go to work like that? That would raise my spidey sense to red alert double quick. If you discovered an affair it would make it all so much easier OP.