We have a house that we don't rent out in the UK. Set up, ready to go. I have support.
Cogito - we will move on from here in a few years, now that I have seen the light, I am no longer in a position where he can draw me in in the way that he has been doing for our whole relationship. I think I can eek it out - with the hope that calling him on his behaviour can make a difference - which is why I started this thread.
Something - he had a very secure albeit 'different' upbringing. He comes from a family of PA - terrified by conflict would be an apt way to describe the dynamics. Don't even ask me to go there - part of the reason this has come to light in my own mind has been because of PA in laws and his reaction to their attitude towards me (particularly with the DCs). I'll take a look at your thread.
'As an adult this becomes PA behaviour. Irrational avoidance of confrontation and basic grown up responsibilities which creates very difficult problems for all involved - and the abuse/aggression is disguised as hostile actions/words instead. For me it means anything I need is just ignored - he just doesnt respond and I nag and nag and then scream myself into a dysfunctional frenzie....I am aware I have issues of low self esteem not knowing when to walk away....'
This is EXACTLY how it is and how I used to behave. Then I realised that it just made me the bad one, so I went on anti depressants, and this gave me the clarity (rather took away any over emotional feelings), and I don't react as much anymore. It is not liked, and now we are talking about how we are not right for each other - mainly because when he does walk away, I let him. It's still awful, because in my life, isolated from my loved ones, I don't have a voice.
There has been times when he hits me in his sleep, or kicks me. When I try to talk about it with him, he gets overly angry with me. I tell him calmly that it is my human right to sleep without fear of being accosted. He gets so angry, so abusive. He is upset because I should be worried about what is making him do this in his sleep. In his eyes, I am so self absorbed to think it is all about him hitting me, when it SHOULD be about why HE is hitting out in his sleep. There's no love, no empathy. It's very distressing.
I can cope because I am on medication (TBH at this stage, I'm not sure if it is about him, or because, me as a person needs them). I have a great support network around me and I have just started CBT therapy - although it's still in its infancy and I haven't yet reached the stuff about my marriage. I'm hoping that the therapist can give me some ways to help deal with him.
I had had a glass of wine last night when I started this - after much research online. I woke up this morning and something is different in me. I can't explain it. I've just had enough. He knows it. When he came in from work last night, I told him to just let go of the anger. He thinks that every comment has some negative implication behind it. He comes from a place of spite and I don't. I get upset because I'm human, and I'm a woman, and I'm sensitive, and he has to accept this. HE has everything. A great job, great life, money, and a family that love him. All he is doing is pushing me (and them) away. And one day he'll not have THIS. It'll be easy for him (to find a new wife) to move on should we leave, but this is the best and most uncomplicated it will be and he's throwing it away. He does get that. He is a good person at heart, but he can't see the wood for the trees. He can't see past the end of his own nose.
I don't want to be in this position, but here I find myself in it. It's so sad.
Thanks for your help thus far.