Passive aggressive husband. Is there a way past?

[Cryjustalittle]

Hi, I'm on my phone so this may end up a bit of a drip feed. I have just realised after 17 years (10 married) that my husband is a passive aggressive.

He fits most of the profile as do I ad a co-dependent partner.

Has anyone ever had the same realisation as me and been able to work through or does this hellish life that I lead continue unless I leave?

I don't have a voice. I am accountable for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our lives. I'm not allowed to be upset about ANYTHING nor am I allowed to be too happy. I am in a situation wherein if I leave, I'll need to move countries. This will cause great distress to the DC. I'll need to start from scratch as I've been following him all over the place since I was 22 without any career to speak of, and I have absolutely no cash.

I love my husband but if things can't change then I cant continue to live my life like this. Anyone who has dealt with a PA, that I can't talk about it with him. I'm not into games and Iost certainly can't uproot the kids to make a point.

thanks in advance for advice

Cry - I have been on AD for years and my mental health has deteriorated. I asked on the relationship forum and MH forum if my issues could have been caused or exacerbated by my relationship dynamic. I asked if anyone else's chronic MH issues resolved once they separated. I got a resounding "Yes". I too am calmer when medicated....but what am I - A Stepford Wife. The worst for me is that I believed it was all my fault for years - the feisty wife and the door mat husband. My children have seen me behave like this frequently -- they have been exposed to a toxic relationship - I am devastated by that. It is a corrosive place to be.

What is going on with your PA PIL - are both of them PA? The other background story is sexual abuse.

Slimjiminy - I agree. I expected him to be upset that he had caused me harm, not for him to be angry with me. Stupid of me really. See, in the past when he's lashed out he's slapped me away - it's not a hard forceful slap, but more like a child would react if you hit him and he was hitting you back. He REFUSES to accept that this is domestic violence. It simply doesn't count. At other times when he has consciously done it, he has refused to admit that he even touched me. Turning it back on me - 'The way you were speaking to me was abusive so that's why I did it.' 'YOU'RE the abusive one in this relationship.'

I have upset him with the way I have spoken to him, but it's like Somethingtodo says, the PAness pushes you and pushes to you until you react. I'm not perfect, none of us are. I KNOW sometimes I'm saying something to him, and I know I'm not being respectful - and it's got nothing to do with his shortcomings, but I'm also very quick to admit that I was wrong in these situations - and to apologise.

Somethingtodo - I'm definitely better - to the extent when I am away from him, I can come off my pills and be ok. He has also acknowledged in the past that I am on them because of him and our relationship, but like everything else, he's sad, he feels bad, he's nice, then he kind of forgets about it. Part of the reason I stick to the AD's is for the sake of the kids, because, I don't want them to see it. Although, I do think it is having a dreadful effect on my DD - :o(.

Pil, pah. I don't even want to bring them into it. He has finally after all these years defended me against them, but fell out with me for putting him in that position anyway, so the whole thing was pretty pointless. Basically a situation became such that something they did and caused a lot of upset was blamed entirely on me by all three of them. I ended up in hospital with an infection that I swear was exacerbated by it all. I am only just recovering physically from that.

I need to talk to him. I'm not one to sit on things. Of course because of who he is, I really have to pick my time, otherwise he'll just turn it back on me - 'fine go, I don't care. yeah yeah, I've heard it all before'

It is just so frustrating.

I made my husband read the book "Living with the PA man" - I asked him to mark paras that he related to...then we compared notes. I also asked him to list out all the words that the book uses to describe how the victim feels. He tells me he does not want to be this way....and is devastated that I want out. But somehow he is still unable to do the work and look in the mirror. I have given him the tools - maybe it is too painful for him. But it is also too painful for me and our children. They are also PA in all relationships / work frends wtec

I think he may be open to getting help.

Thanks for all your help. It has given me food for thought and something to move forward with

Try to get a copy of the book for each of you - it has been my saviour - I can say - no I am not mad, irrational, demanding - it is there in black and white in text. Good luck. Take care of your self.

Hi OP,

It might be useful for you to recognise the Passive Aggressive persona now, but ultimately this is Abuse, and I think it would be good to recognise that your H is subjecting you to Emotional and Physical Abuse. 'Passive Aggressive' doesn't quite cover the range of nastiness that he deploys.

His behaviour is appalling. And worrying. I don't think it is worth giving him a book to help sort himself out - I mean really, he has done absolutely nothing to change his behaviour and he is treating you appallingly. Do you think a book is going to lift the scales from his eyes?

This man will not admit to hitting the OP. He will deny that he has even hit her, just after he hit her! Or if he does admit to hitting her, he says that it does not qualify as domestic violence! He denies, then minimises the assaults and tries to convince his victim she has not been assaulted. This is not the guy that's going to sit down with a book and be mortified to suddenly be confronted with his behaviour.

He knows exactly what he is doing and I fear for the OP. He sounds pernicious and scary. OP what are the chances of you taking the kids 'on holiday' to your home country in the next few months and just not going back?

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b04v5zpj/panorama-domestic-abuse-caught-on-camera

In this Panorama feature (shown yesterday) the wife had beaten so badly that the police officer who attended the 999 call described her injuries as the "worst I'd ever seen on a living person" - yet the husband insists (on camera and in front of the police) that his wife is to blame. He can be heard quite clearly stating that "you've got me arrested" - despite her injuries, this is all HER fault (for calling the police) and never HIS fault (for beating the shit out of her in the first place). That is abuse. That is what abusers do. It's always the victim's fault - for speaking out of line, for calling the police, for provoking the abuser... never the abuser's fault for BEING ABUSIVE.

If the husband in this programme cannot accept that he is an abuser - despite his wife's black eyes and her broken ribs - it's quite possible that your husband (with his 'not a hard forceful slap') will also find it hard to accept that he's an abuser. You're already minimising his violence. Please at least think of a Plan B in case it turns out he isn't so open to getting help... or if he says he is but then doesn't ever get around to seeking it...

Thanks somethingtodo..

Poppy, that's really given me something to think about. I know it's foolish but I never really thought about his reaction to his behaviour as intentional; it feels like he lashed out having lost control like a little boy, and his refusal to admit he had done anything was more for his own psyche rather than mine - fingers in ears, 'it didn't happen, I didn't do it, lah, lah, lah'. We'll definitely be back in England early next year.

I'm here and listening and processing. It's very late here so I need to sleep. Will look again in the morning.

Thanks again for all your responses and thoughts.