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Is being an avoider a marriage deal breaker?

(179 Posts)
mulranno Tue 30-Oct-12 08:53:43

Been with my dh for 26 years have 4 kids. He is very mild mannered, intelligent and a devoted (but ineffectual) father. We get on fine when life is rosy but when life is tough his modus operandi (?) is head in the sand, avoider.

I get left to research and make all of the hard complex decisions which leaves me feeing both over loaded and soley responsible which is very pressurizing -- he is still like a teenager when it comes to money, finacial decisions, emotional/educational decisions around the family. He chooses not to get informed so I am unable to sense check anything with him or get any support or direction or feel that anything is a joint decision. He shows no interest in what I am trying to achieve.

On the emotional/health side when I had severe pnd after my 3rd child in 3 years he just chose to spend all of his time out of the home -- he was out 4 nights a week at either football, tennis, committee meetings etc. When he was home (Fri and Sat nights) he drank very heavily, fell asleep and was "not available" as he was just so distant and introverted with major hangovers.

I was left to manage all 3 babies alone night after night which caused me to be really angry. We went to relate as I resented this behaviour but they "framed" it as his way of coping so I forgave him. However we have since had 3 further major crises - another pnd, devastating sudden death of my mother and a most recently a major financial crisis which has endured for 18 months and requires house and schools move to resolve. The last two have tipped me back into depression. Again on all of these crisises he has not "been there" in any capacity. I have had to grieve alone (he was quite flippant about my grief) and have spent the last 18 months sorting overdrafts, loans, remortgages, school appeals, bailing out his company etc with zero interest or support from him. Additionally 2 of our 4 children are very challenging. My teenage son is aggressive and hits me whilst my husband stands by and watches, my daughter is sen also with severe bahavioral issues and her school and emotional health are another demand of my time. I am going thru a major depressive episode at the moment and exhausted. I just feel what is the point. Time and time again he doesnt step up. I feel disrespected and neglected

cjel Thu 28-Nov-13 19:07:21

If you are feeling uneasy and not liking the arrangement then change it. Please don't give yourself rubbish weekend to try and keep him happy. It may be time to start proper separation discussions.
If you have to leave the house every weekend, who knows what will be coming back to?
Start as you mean to go on and your dcs will be much more settled and stable. Also don't allow him to hang around, if he is taking and fetching have dcs ready so he doesn't have to come in. This is going to be hard but at the moment you and dcs are going to be disrupted just to keep him happy.

Thumbwitch Fri 29-Nov-13 12:37:32

I agree that it might be counterproductive to have him there at the weekend, whether you are there or not. I may be doing him a disservice but so far he appears to be trying to ingratiate himself with your DS1 all the time by giving in to him and allowing him to do pretty much what he wants - if he does that all weekend, I hate to think what your DS1 will be like when you get back on the Sunday. You could be back to ground level again with him sad

Let the arrangement stand for this weekend and see what happens - and if it's not to your satisfaction then change it next weekend. He's going to use his time to try and worm his way back in.

Also make sure you take your laptop and any other electronic media with you so he can't snoop; and other important paperwork - financial, legal etc.

tribpot Sat 30-Nov-13 20:10:37

Hope you are holed up in 5-star luxury somewhere, OP, having spa treatments and generally treating yourself as well as you deserve.

BhearNOW Tue 30-Sep-14 12:56:30

Update a year later...OP with a NC...He moved out end Nov '13 - youngest was in bits, agreed it was temp and he could come back at xmas - but he was here very evening and wormed his way back to stay over most nights with some excuse or another. So I did not get my time off...I was also worried about not disrupting oldest doing mocks after xmas and then GCSEs. I went to Relate on my own for 4 months - as he just squirms and lies and snakes around....it was a useful venting experience. I decided to put perm separation on hold until exams were over. But then I plummeted into depression before I could get started.

I had called him an "avoider" as that is all I knew. I had tipped into being the screaming banshee role (achieving nothing) - although I dont do that anymore as I expect nothing of him. Then I had this light bulb moment this week and found the Passive Aggressive label for him and Codep for me.

This has just allowed me to label what I live thru, see it as a structure and not something that I have created and am 1005 responsible for. I have 5 petulant children (not 4) and I do x3 the work at home..mine parental responsibilities, my PA husbands responsibilities and then the work again where he has unpicked everything I have done. I don't know if he is conscious or not of how he behaves.....but it is corrosive and crazy making ... Seen from outside as quiet placid husband and ott hen pecking crazy wife. I need to get out asap.

books.google.co.uk/books?id=JIyyid3xRyEC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Living+with+the+Passive-Aggressive+Man&cd=1&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-of-recovery/

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