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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I having an emotional affair?

81 replies

newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 14:32

I have an ex who I have never fully got over.

We have been apart for 16 years and in that time I have got married and have a child.

About 4 years ago we got back in touch on FB

We've met up about 4 times now. DH doesn't know, though he knows we are back in touch. DH is very jealous and controlling so I couldn't tell him. Nothing has ever happened physically when we have met up.

But we talk on-line every day. We play an on-line game together and chat on that.

We do flirt a little. But nothing would come of it.

I have very strong feelings for my ex and care about him deeply. He has a family too now (though they are not married and the children are not his, but still a family). He lives 100s of miles away.

As I say, we talk every single day and have done for a few years now. We have both acknowledged we still love each other but that there's no way we would do anything about it as too many people would be hurt and we won't do that.

Am I having an emotional affair?

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 07/12/2014 17:34

It's a cliche, but - if a friend told you that she was so worried about her marriage that she had sought marriage counselling, but that Relate had identified her husband as abusive and therefore (correctly) refused, what would your advice be to her?

I agree that your ex is a red herring here. And not helpful at all to making anything about the situation better. The dispassionate advice therefore would be to stop it, and sort out what you want to do about being in an abusive marriage.

Sorry if that sounds really harsh. I am so sorry you're in this situation. But you don't have to stay in it.

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 17:39

No she doesn't know.

She knows we are friends and she was ok with that. He told her we had met up after the first time and she went ballistic so he hasn't told her about the other times.

We are exes because of a lot of things. We were young when we were together. It's very complicated and I don't want to give out too many details as I really don't want to be identified as you can imagine. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit cagey, it's just some of the reasons for us splitting up, along with the other information I've given might out me.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 07/12/2014 17:58

You aren't being honest. This is more than a friendship and you would like to be in a relationship with him.

I had an EA with my ex a few years ago though didn't know that was what it was called. I knew it was wrong though as it was taking me away from my DH and DCs. We are both married. We live a long way away from each other. I love my husband. He loves his wife. I am very happily married. He isn't.

We now don't speak. It wasn't sustainable. You can not be friends with someone when you want to be physical with them.

Your marriage sounds abusive, this ex is just an outlet for the unhappiness you are subjected to by your husband. If you carry on as you are things will get worse. I suggest you have a mature conversation with your husband and tell him how you feel but this other man is not your knight in shining armour. I think you would be better off away from your husband.

Tobyjugg · 07/12/2014 18:06

Having to skype round an hotel room is very worrying (and not effective anyway - any OM could hide in the hallway).

You have serious issues with your marriage. The EA with your ex is just a symptom - not the disease.

Forget the EA and your ex. That's irrelevant. Ask whether you want to stay in your marriage which seems to me tbh like a form of imprisonment.

MorrisZapp · 07/12/2014 18:09

Your husband is making you a prisoner. You need to address this sooner or later, scary as it seems.

daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 18:36

I think people feel the same on this thread and are right in their advice - OP please take heed.

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 18:52

I know

And I will try. But DS loves DH and vice versa

How can I hurt them by breaking up our family? :(

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 07/12/2014 19:00

newmane, your DS will, in a frighteningly short number of years, go off and have a life of his own. You will be tied to your DH for the rest of your life. Sacrificing oneself for your children where there is no alternative is one thing, making a doormat of yourself and ruining any chance of happiness you may have is another.

Why is their happiness more important than yours? Happiness bought at the expense of another person's unhappiness is sadism.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 07/12/2014 19:18

They'll always be father and son, that will never change no matter what happens to your marriage.

Personally I'm never really convinced by the staying for the children argument. Your son will grow up with your husband's behaviour as his reference range, too.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/12/2014 20:16

I think your emotional affair is the least of your problems, OP. Your marriage sounds pretty messed up to me.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 22:09

DS may love DH but he loves you too. And you're miserable, trapped by someone else's irrational jealousy and violent behaviour. As DS grows up the risk is that he'll either see how Dad treats you and copy the behaviour.... or he'll feel scared of Dad and guilty that he can't protect you. Your family may be under one roof but it's currently dysfunctional

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 07/12/2014 22:21

That's a very good point from Cogito. Why would you son not want you to be happy?

MistressDeeCee · 07/12/2014 22:44

About 4 years ago we got back in touch on FB

That line alone sums up why I dislike FB. Old flames getting back in touch and seeming exciting becuase virtual linking makes it seem ok as they're not physically present...partners fault-finding with their current partner who seems less interesting in comparison to looking forward to secret chats and trysts. The 'virtual' partner not in everyday life including the inevitable humdrum side of it..so many things that cause you not to focus in the present moment. Your DH doesn't sound very nice. But then again nor do you, with this steps towards an affair with another man. Who for all you know if/when you get with him, won't be Mr Nice either. Better to work on self and situation even if that means ultimately leaving your DH..and do that away from "mr comforting and exciting listening ear" who will only cloud your vision due to appearing as a way out

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 23:11

Jesus. Your husband discovered you were having an emotional affair and quite rightly insisted you stop. You refuse and continue your affair and complain your spouse is jealous and controlling. And you have this on line affair right under his nose.

Your husband should not smash things up nor threaten to quit his job. It's not acceptable. But I cannot imagine the stress and humiliation of living with someone who has disengaged and is now in love with words on a screen. How utterly ridiculous.

Your husband does not trust you because you are not trustworthy. He is jealous because he has cause to be. You and your so called friend actively work to threaten his sense of safety and that of your son . Whether he is abusive or not I would not like to comment but I do know this.

ALL cheaters try to justify their affair.
ALL cheaters seek support for their affair.
ALL cheaters claim their spouse is controlling
ALL cheaters attempt to gaslight and provoke their spouse to justify their affair.

It is odd your husband is so controlling yet you are able to continue an emotional affair from the comfort of your home right under his nose. Does your controlling husband not insist on monitoring your on line communication ?

a2011x · 07/12/2014 23:43

Yes you are

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 07:43

@badbalding.... the impression I get (and the OP can correct me if I'm wrong) is that the jealous, controlling behaviour from the husband predates the OP getting in touch with the old flame. Doesn't make the contact right but I don't think there is a straight line cause and effect as you're suggesting.

MistressDeeCee · 08/12/2014 11:33

You talk online every day. You flirt. You've met up a few times. I suppose if your DH is as jealous and controlling as you claim you must cover your tracks very well in order to get away with this

I may get flamed for saying this "shrugs" but I can't help thinking that when people want to embark on an affair there is always some justification pulled out of the hat to justify it - and its normally a criticism of their current partner, their supposed behaviour being to blame. I can't work out from your post what it is - but I do know that lets say all is true then you are both as bad as each other tbh - and your friend who is intervening in a marriage/meeting up with someone else's wife is just as bad, too. I am vaguely wondering if he's also married..

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 08/12/2014 11:58

I feel sorry for all kids involved and his partner, shes brought a man into her kids lives and hes living some fantasy with an ex from nearly 2 decades ago

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/12/2014 19:14

Of course the Op will claim the jealousy predates her affair. It's part of the script , the one that is regularly posted on here. Do you really think that someone who is lying to their spouse is going to have a moral problem lying to strangers on the internet ? As everyone knows the script goes along the lines off

Start an affair
Rewrite history
Blame your spouse
Gaslight your spouse
Seek support for your affair
Agree to counselling to go through the motions
Manipulate the counsellor
Ect ect ect

I have a problem with this script the Op is running. If your spouse is controlling you know about it. They don't demand you stop having an affair , they take serious action. You don't get away with having an affair under the nose of your controlling spouse. Nor do you get the privacy or the time to have an affair. The husbands actions to me don't indicate a controlling spouse. Instead they indicate a beaten down powerless man who's wife is going to do whatever she wants.

I'm amazed people cannot see the script in action. Lots of people come on here running the script and trying to get support for their affair. And they get it. What threats has the Op issued in order to get the h to shut up and accept her affair ? Divorce ? Loss of contact with the dcs ? Why does this controlling jealous man accept this ? I'm not controlling but I certainly wouldn't accept it.

Dragonfly71 · 08/12/2014 19:21

Sounds to me as though your husbands behaviour is totally unreasonable and you are seeking solace in this friend. The EA itself isn't really the most pressing issue here is it?

lavenderhoney · 08/12/2014 19:23

Why don't you discuss your dh with your friend? Do you pretend everything's lovely? He probably knows by omission you have problems.

I feel quite sorry for you tbh. This friend knows you and is a safe place to be away from the misery of your life with your controlling dh. It would be better to say to your friend " look, I'm having some marriage issues and I don't want to be influenced by you and our online relationship. I need to decide and face it, and chatting to you is avoiding it. I'm going to use that time to sort out my life. I'll be in touch"

Go to relate alone. Sort your thoughts out. Think what you want. Face it.

MistressDeeCee · 08/12/2014 19:51

balding thats a good point re. The Script. See it on here all the time except normally its the other way around..its the man who has delivered The Script, and the woman who comes on here for advice about it. MNers know The Script for what it is, so can easily pick it apart...after all, its standard. Yes, this is The Script in action but its being dealt with a little differently because its a woman delivering it I suppose

Fairenuff · 08/12/2014 19:56

Well the cheating is wrong, regardless of how the dh behaves. If you're not happy in your relationship OP, leave it. If you need help to leave, get help. Have you even bothered to get any legal advice at all?

Dragonfly71 · 08/12/2014 20:00

I don't see this as a "script" OP isn't seeking approval for the EA, she is genuinely confused. As would anyone be if they have been subject to the kind of Emotional Abuse (another EA!) she has suffered. Do you think she is lying about Relate and her husbands controlling behaviour? If you do what's the point of reading any threads?! They could all be lies.Confused

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/12/2014 20:13

Dragon yes I do think she's lying. And yes anyone posting can lie but people in the middle of an affair are prolific liars. She says relate refused to take them on which could mean anything. The counsellor probably didn't even meet the husband.

I don't see the Op is confused about anything. She's having an affair with a keyboard and feels entitled to continue.

She didn't ask for advice on improving her marriage , leaving her marriage , or stopping her affair.

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