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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I having an emotional affair?

81 replies

newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 14:32

I have an ex who I have never fully got over.

We have been apart for 16 years and in that time I have got married and have a child.

About 4 years ago we got back in touch on FB

We've met up about 4 times now. DH doesn't know, though he knows we are back in touch. DH is very jealous and controlling so I couldn't tell him. Nothing has ever happened physically when we have met up.

But we talk on-line every day. We play an on-line game together and chat on that.

We do flirt a little. But nothing would come of it.

I have very strong feelings for my ex and care about him deeply. He has a family too now (though they are not married and the children are not his, but still a family). He lives 100s of miles away.

As I say, we talk every single day and have done for a few years now. We have both acknowledged we still love each other but that there's no way we would do anything about it as too many people would be hurt and we won't do that.

Am I having an emotional affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 15:26

I feel sad about it Oneday tbh. Just sad.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 07/12/2014 15:28

If you are honestly not having any thoughts or feelings towards another man then you can honestly challenge your husbands attitude, but while you are justifying his actions by carrying on the way you are, then you can't properly sort out the jealousy issue, because it is at some level, warranted...

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 15:30

I know that Felicity.

But DH has been like this for years (and of course always was, I just didn't see it)

The ex is a newish thing.

But now I am stuck in this catch22 where I can't honestly challenge DHs behaviour because I am doing something wrong and he would just see it as justified, when actually it's been going on for way longer and, in some ways, caused it.

I'm not making excuses, just trying to get across how stuck I feel.

OP posts:
daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 15:33

Would you marry your DH again, if you got to choose right now, or would you let him go? Do you have any faith in him or can you, in your heart of hearts, tell it's unfixably wrong? I think as well as liking and needing your old friend/flame, you also are pining for a past version of yourself.

zaracharlotte · 07/12/2014 15:34

If you are doing stuff that you wouldn't tell your DH about, you are having an EA.

daisychainmail · 07/12/2014 15:34

There's also a flipside to the idea of an emotional affair which is that perhaps in a very real sense you have not had your emotional needs met within your marriage for a while. While that doesn't justify what you're doing, it certainly explains it, and might be interpreted as a sign you should leave (if you can't fix things).

FelicityGubbins · 07/12/2014 15:35

Then get shot of the ex, then you can actually challenge the jealousy,but keep going as you are and all you do is dig yourself in deeper and deeper!

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 15:35

If I hadn't married DH I wouldn't have DS.

But if I could see how much DH was going to change, I would either not have married him or been a lot tougher and put better boudaries in place at the start.

I can't regret anything that has led to DS though.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 15:37

You can and should challenge your husband's behaviour. If you are trapped inside four walls with no friends, no life and forced to show him the room on Skype etc then that's totally unacceptable. The old flame isn't the answer but neither is the status quo.

GingerSkin · 07/12/2014 15:49

Putting aside the Ex for now, you sound like you are in a very controlling and manipulating relationship with your husband.

This is what you need to tackle before anything else. Not going out without him? Constant calls? I'd tell him to fuck back off

Fairenuff · 07/12/2014 15:59

But what do I do? Whilst you might think I deserve it, I feel pretty miserable

If you are miserable, change something

I can't cut contact with the ex. He means too much to me.

Of course you can cut contact, you just don't want to.

I don't want to hurt my husband either and I love him.

You are already hurting him and you keep doing it so saying you don't want to is a lie.

I feel like I am living a total lie.

That's because you are.

You are not being honest with anyone.

Joysmum · 07/12/2014 15:59

Your husband could have sensed that youre not really happy and committed to him and that's resulted in him being insecure, jealous and controlling (not that in excusing that). His fears have been realised, even if he doesn't know it.

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 15:59

How do I tackle it?

Everything ticks along great until I want to go out, or have to go away for work. Then the behaviour starts.

If I challenge it he then decides that I am challenging it because I want to go out or away for work for some suspicious reason and that me pushing it or making a big deal is evidence there is more going on. Does that make sense?

If I raise it when things are good, he kind of convinces me there isn't a problem and I am making stuff up, imagining things etc. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Plus there's the threat of making things bad. He's never been violent to me, but he will smash the house up (in extreme occasions) or use the threat of not going to work (financial impact) if he is upset or angry. Or he will just cause a really nasty atmosphere.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/12/2014 16:02

You need to leave your dh first. Get legal advice.

TonyThePony · 07/12/2014 16:05

I don't think he's going to change. I wouldn't even try to talk to him about it to be honest; I would just make plans to leave.

Not for OM. But for you and for your ds. You can't live this way. I would also be worried if he did find out you'd met up with OM without him knowing, he's obviously volatile and aggressive.

I don't think this thread is really about an EA at all.

Squeegle · 07/12/2014 16:06

I think your problem is with your DH, not with the EA. Because you're isolated and lonely, the other man's friendship has taken on an importance that is not healthy when you're married.

From what you say, your DH'S jealous and controlling tendencies are making you very unhappy - and not surprisingly. Smashing the house is a BIG issue. It's not acceptable. What options do you have? Why would you want to stay with this bully?

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 16:19

Smashing a house up and making various threats is classed as Domestic Violence. There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour whatsoever. It goes beyond jealousy and control and into abuse.

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 16:23

That's why Relate wouldn't see us :(

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/12/2014 16:35

You don't need Relate, you need a divorce lawyer.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 16:39

The friendship with your ex may have crossed a line and be inappropriate but please, please, please don't let make the mistake of thinking that means you have to endure more abuse from your husband. DV is very serious indeed. Do you and your husband have children?

AnyFucker · 07/12/2014 16:41

Yes, you are having an emotional affair

You are also in an abusive marriage with is why Relate would not counsel you together (and good for them...they often seem to get it wrong but not in your case)

I think you are actually in physical danger if you continue contact with the OM just at the moment, and he is married anyway so you are actually way out of order to be leaning on him for support in order to endure your own marriage. That of course would not justify any violence by your H, however

I recommend you end your marriage and end your emotional affair. Find your support elewhere....family, friends, Women's Aid, individual counselling

Original poster
newmaneforthis1 · 07/12/2014 16:46

We have 1 child.

I never talk to the ex about DH.

OP posts:
MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 07/12/2014 16:50

You need to make some decisions and not just carry on drifting through life with the hope that things will change.

First things first; you need to stop contact with your ex. It's silly and risky behaviour. Tell him it was nice being in touch but you are cutting contact while you work or end your marriage. Don't bother getting into long explanations and emotional discussions. Then block him and delete his contact information.

Secondly you need to decide what to do about your DH. You say you love him but are you sure? He sounds horrible to me. I would divorce him.

You can analyse the current situation as long as you want but actions speak louder than words...

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 17:23

OP does your ex's wife/partner know about your friendship? If he's been secretive about meeting you etc then you can't go to them for help... which is a pity really because you sound like you need some RL support as a way out of your marriage. A lifeline

operaha · 07/12/2014 17:26

Just for a bit more info - why are you and the ex exes?