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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Monogomy

98 replies

Minchia · 05/12/2014 22:28

I read these pages and sometimes wonder if I'm of a different species when it comes to Monogomy. I don't actually think we can can get everything we need from one person, sometimes what someone offers is something we could never get from our primary relationship.
I can't really relate to the huge disgust felt for adulterers. Sex is just a natural thing and should we really condemn people for following their animal urges?
I'm married. I love my husband. We're a good team and we laugh and take care of each other. We have children.
I'm also having sex with someone else. He's married too.
It's intoxicating. We're both indulging sides of ourselves that we don't get to elsewhere in our lives. Neither of us are unhappy in our marriages but the sexual chemistry is immense.
We have tried to resist but it is so difficult and actually, I don't feel any guilt about it though I wouldn't want my husband to know as he would be hurt.
I understand that many will condemn me as I've read these pages for a while. I just can't relate to the comments. I don't really understand sexual jealousy. I think people stay in relationships because they want to. My husband gives me lots of what I need, I give him lots of what he needs. I can get the rest from elsewhere. I intended to be totally monogomous when I married. I didn't seek this out or yearn for it but i can't resist it.
Is there anyone that thinks like me or am I just some kind of freak in our society?

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 05/12/2014 22:31

You are doing a very good job of trying to convince yourself of your reasons to really hurt someone.

Go you ??

ispentitwithyou · 05/12/2014 22:32

Not a freak,just a bitch

AnyFucker · 05/12/2014 22:33

I'm A Celebrity has been quite interesting this year, hasn't it

ispentitwithyou · 05/12/2014 22:34

Haha,can't you tell its Friday?

HumblePieMonster · 05/12/2014 22:35

I don't really understand sexual jealousy

It occurs when you find your partner is at it with someone else. Its very easy to have a clear heart and mind about it when you're the one having the fun.

I'm not guessing about this. I know.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 22:36

Plenty of people feel the same way you do, don't worry. However they either choose to stay single or they get married to someone who feels exactly the same. Anything else and it tends to cause a lot of unhappiness

AuntieStella · 05/12/2014 22:37

Monogamy isn't compulsory.

If an open relationship is what suits you and your DH, and you have a clear set of rules, that's great.

Cheating, whether sexual or any other type, does tend to get heavily criticised here. Not because of any prioritisation of monogamy, but because betrayal is wrong.

Joysmum · 05/12/2014 22:40

I don't feel any guilt about it though I wouldn't want my husband to know as he would be hurt

See, that's the difference between us.

I truly love my DH and respect his rights to have the boundaries he wants more than any desires of mine.

That's why you should feel guilt, because you are doing something that would hurt your husband but you couldn't care less about that as a fuck is more important to you than he is.

Poor bastard, hope he finds himself someone more deserving of his live and trust

Original poster

Minchia · 05/12/2014 22:42

And what if you've only just worked out how you feel? It's difficult to accept you don't believe in something that is so deeply rooted in society.
Maybe I am just a bitch then.
Point taken.

OP posts:

battenberg123 · 05/12/2014 22:45

I don't think you're a bitch I agree with everything you're saying. Maybe I'm naive but I think monogamy takes a lot of work from both sides.

Mom2K · 05/12/2014 22:48

Reading your post - I was going to say that if you and your DH have consented to an open relationship, then it's not such a big deal as you're both aware of the situation and ok with it. But if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your views about sleeping around, and you do - well then I guess it does make you a dumb, thoughtless animal.

You have no concept of morals, disease, conscience, or consequences?

ispentitwithyou · 05/12/2014 22:50

I don't work at monogamy personally, I have only ever had to imagine my DHs face if I was to cheat etc and he found out....the thought of hurting him that badly turns my stomach...but I apologise for calling you a bitch...everyone's different.

I have been known to be idealistic.....

Mom2K · 05/12/2014 22:50

And what if you've only just worked out how you feel? It's difficult to accept you don't believe in something that is so deeply rooted in society

It's ok if you don't believe in monogomay - but in that case then the right thing to do would be to have a discussion with your DH and decide how you both wish to proceed. You shouldn't be shagging people behind his back if he would feel differently about it than you do

ispentitwithyou · 05/12/2014 22:51

Why do people 'work out how they feel' after marriage and children??

Diagonally · 05/12/2014 22:52

So if you've recently realised you are not cut out for a monogamous or exclusive relationship, why have you not shared this information with your H?

Genuine question.

Original poster

Minchia · 05/12/2014 22:52

I don't feel guilt as I don't really get how it affects him. His life is still the same. Except his wife is happier.
I know this contradicts everything ever said on these boards and what seems to be a 'normal' response.
I suppose I struggle to feel guilt when something makes me feel so alive. Life is sometimes shit and monotonous and fucking hard. Is a bit of escapism really so bad? Or maybe not bad as I understand my morality is different from yours maybe but, is it so unusual that you can condemn it so wholeheartedly?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 05/12/2014 22:56

im not bothered by monogamy particularly. You, however are a liar because youre pretending to your husband that hes your only one.

Nothing wrong with open relationships or polyamory, but that's not your set up. Youre cheating and lying

AuntieStella · 05/12/2014 22:56

"And what if you've only just worked out how you feel?"

Then you deal with it. It's not a reason to betray someone.

The pre-existing marriage has to be renegotiated, but you need to recognise that it may well end. That happens to situations which you have outgrown.

If it does end, then you are free to seek the relationship/s that you want on an honest footing and - just as importantly - so can your XH.

Letting someone believe they are in a monogamous relationship when they are not is unfair, and cheats them out of the life they may want.

Consenting poly - no problem. Infidelity - huge problem.

Branleuse · 05/12/2014 22:57

why would he be hurt if theres nothing wrong with what youre doing? Surely aa your partner you have similar views and can talk about stuff?

meandjulio · 05/12/2014 22:59

If you don't understand sexual jealousy, feel sex is completely natural and don't feel any guilt about it, why did you try to resist?

If you get found out (and if you've reached the point of talking about it online, you are probably only a few weeks from getting found out), what will be the expression on your husband's face? Shock? Pain? That's the hard part - not jealousy, his or yours - but the pain of knowing that you have caused someone you love pain, that you could have done something about it and it's now too late. TBH I really feel for him.

holeinmyheart · 05/12/2014 23:00

I feel sorry for you because what you are doing is both harming yourself and your DH and potentially your DCs.

You are lying and cheating and if you get caught you will find out what it is to lose the trust of someone who loves you.

You clearly don't love your husband because to love someone means putting their feelings before your own and respecting them. The same goes for your DCs as you are risking their lives for your sexual gratification.

No one fits anyone perfectly in every way. it would be ridiculous to think otherwise, but you made a commitment to your DH. A commitment that means nothing to you, and that it is very sad.

I hope for the sake of your DCs that you don't get caught.

All married people, at some point in their relationship feel attraction for others. I have, and what I did was nothing. I love my husband and I respect him and the last thing I would want to do is to see the look on his dear face if he found out I had been unfaithful.

When you ask am I a freak? You can see that the pages of MN are littered with similar clever people who thought they could get away with an affair.

Maybe not a freak but I do think you are totally self delusional in thinking that what you are doing does no harm to anyone.

Original poster

Minchia · 05/12/2014 23:00

I Think if it were him in my shoes, I wouldn't want to know. I'd be quite annoyed if he told me tbh

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 23:03

It's not us or others that are affected by your aversion to monogamy. No skin off our collective nose how you choose to live. Your DH, if you're discreet, could stay blissfully ignorant for the duration. Maybe you'd be fine if he behaved the same way? Maybe he does already, who's to say? But those of us who have been on the wrong end of people who unilaterally opted out of monogamy know it hurts like very little else and hence why it's generally frowned upon. It's a risky and disrespectful to be casual about other people's feelings

SnowSpot · 05/12/2014 23:04

I do understand that monogamy is kind of unnatural, in many ways. I'm pretty sure we weren't meant to live this long being with the same partner.

I think the only thing with your argument is the wheels fall off when you mention the deception. Being sexually open and free and dishonest and cheating means that it doesn't so much seem liberated, as a bit sordid.

I guess if it were an open marriage, then I'd be "Go for it! Yay sex" But as he is an unknowing victim in this it's a little muddy.

meandjulio · 05/12/2014 23:04

I agree with you, I wouldn't want to know if my dh were unfaithful. But he may not get the choice to go on believing that you are faithful to him. He might find out. You will have removed that choice from him.

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