Monogomy

[Minchia]

I read these pages and sometimes wonder if I'm of a different species when it comes to Monogomy. I don't actually think we can can get everything we need from one person, sometimes what someone offers is something we could never get from our primary relationship.
I can't really relate to the huge disgust felt for adulterers. Sex is just a natural thing and should we really condemn people for following their animal urges?
I'm married. I love my husband. We're a good team and we laugh and take care of each other. We have children.
I'm also having sex with someone else. He's married too.
It's intoxicating. We're both indulging sides of ourselves that we don't get to elsewhere in our lives. Neither of us are unhappy in our marriages but the sexual chemistry is immense.
We have tried to resist but it is so difficult and actually, I don't feel any guilt about it though I wouldn't want my husband to know as he would be hurt.
I understand that many will condemn me as I've read these pages for a while. I just can't relate to the comments. I don't really understand sexual jealousy. I think people stay in relationships because they want to. My husband gives me lots of what I need, I give him lots of what he needs. I can get the rest from elsewhere. I intended to be totally monogomous when I married. I didn't seek this out or yearn for it but i can't resist it.
Is there anyone that thinks like me or am I just some kind of freak in our society?

[Missqwerty]

The irony of it is I doubt the chemistry would be so good if what you are doing wasn't so wrong! Can't you work on the chemistry with your husband?

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I just don't understand why those who want to shag around - (and shagging around is great! ) decide to get married then cheat.

Why not lead a non monogamous lifestyle, op? Follow your desires? Be free?

Oh I know why. Because actually you haven't got the guts.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I know I should try and bring things out in the open. I'm not sure I have the mental energy

And yet you've got the "mental energy" to spend time justifying what you've done after you chose to do it. You say you wouldn't want to know if your OH was cheating - why not, if monogamy is such an unnatural lifestyle?

Sorry, but the whole thing's as clear as a freshly washed window - you could have chosen to remain single or discuss this with your OH, but you'd rather please yourself and disregard the cost to others

Tedious ...

[PaleoTillChristmas]

Just on that point - why get married if you don't want to be monogamous - you might simply not know in advance. How could I have known, at 23, how I'd feel 17 years of monogamy later? If I'd known I obviously would have thought twice. I imagine most people are in the same boat.

Nothing to do with not having the guts, being dishonest or anything like that.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

How could I have known, at 23, how I'd feel 17 years of monogamy later?

You couldn't - so if you genuinely change your mind (rather than just casting around for an excuse for cheating) you discuss it with your partner and decide together what you'll do

[PaleoTillChristmas]

I said earlier I have not and will not cheat. MN is a place we can share our thoughts. I'm not going to act on it.

[PorridgeIsYummy]

I fully agree with you - and I wish people who don't could disagree with you in a less hysterical way.

[PorridgeIsYummy]

Oh, and you can totally love your husband and want to have sex with someone else.

[PaleoTillChristmas]

Thanks. Not sure why I commented on this thread really, as I'm quite different from the OP in that I won't act on it.

From reading MN I've got the impression that most people don't struggle with monogamy as much as I do. Though I totally believe I'm happier with my lovely dh than I would be without him, despite the freedom I'd have.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Ime the people who struggle most with monogamy have been with a man from a young age and didn't have lots of fun and varied sexual experiences in their 20s and 30s. It's a shame for them I guess, but you make the choices...

[fancyanotherfez]

I don't think there has been the 'moral outrage' you expected (or wanted) on this thread. What people have said is that if you don't believe in monogamy, tell your DH, so he can be free to not believe in monogamy too. I know a polyamorous relationship that has lasted 20 years between a woman and 2 men. All of them, and their friends know the situation and the children(fathered by one man) are co parented by all 3. This is not for me, but its not for me to judge. I get the feeling that this wouldn't be for you though, because there is no risk and no feelings of potential self destruction.
I agree that the 'continental' view of sex only applies to the men. The women are expected to be absolutely faithful. The Francois Holland's debacle also shows its not all 'free love'. The woman who he had an affair with has gone into total meltdown as a result of him cheating on her. She didn't just take it lying down, so to speak, because its what is expected.

[Drumdrum60]

Would you be prepared for husband to do,the same?

[Samantha28]

I agree with the person down the thetaf who said that there is something of the " special snowflake " about those who seek to justify deceiving their partners .

The arrogant assumption that everyone who stays faithful in a marriage / partnership does so because they are dead from the waist down and have ever fancied anyone else or are too old and ugly to be fancied themselves

The pathetic idea that it's impossible to resist temptation

The belief that they are The Only Ones who have ever faced problems in their marriages, for everyone else it's a walk in the park . None of the rest of us have had to work through money problems, family problems , sexual problem - we don't know what it's like .

The denial of any responsibility for the lies and the deception , dressed up as " not wanting to hurt their spouses feelings "

The assumption that everyone else s so boring that they don't change at all during their marriage , whereas they are so Exciting and Exotic that their needs change. And no,they can't possibly be arsed to work things out with their partner like the rest of us boring old things . Too much like hard work .

[Samantha28]

They love the idea that they are causing " moral outrage " among the matrons on Mumsnet. When in fact many of us just think how pathetic , selfish and immature they are .

It's like teenagers - they are so full of their own rights , but they wont extend those rights to others. And they have no understanding that with rights come responsibilities .

[kaykayblue]

For those saying that monogamy is a "social construct".

Name one thing in life that ISN'T a "social construct".

Not being allowed to marry and have sex with girls as soon as they start their periods - social construct.

The ability to conceive all year round rather than in specific seasons - social construct developed from accommodation and year round food supply

Consent - social construct

Money - social construct

Giving medicine to sickly and ill people allowing them to survive and contibute their genes to the gene pool - social construct from development of medicine

Employment - social construct

Elected Government - social construct

Global travel - social construct

I could go on.

[Nomama]

kaykay, not all of those are social constructs!

There is a difference between what we want to do and what is a biological imperative!

[DadOnIce]

I've always wondered what happens in these "open" relationships if you agree to have one, then one of you finds they are desperately shit at pulling and the other gets loads of action. It must cause resentment.

If DW and I decided to go down this path and I tried to chat up other women with the line, "My wife and I have an open relationship, don't worry, she's terribly understanding", I would be met with responses ranging from an amused "Pull the other one" to a full-on "fuck off".

[rockup]

I imagine it would only be the partner who already has a prospect lined up who would suggest it.

[DadOnIce]

That would be my suspicion too, rockup.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Superb posts, Samantha

[MephistophelesApprentice]

DadOnIce

Currently in that position myself. Not so much resentment as envy. In our case, we both knew from the start that I suck at meeting people and that she had a (short) list of people she already wanted to sleep with.

And so far, on the rare occasions when flirting has occurred, "Do you have a girlfriend?" - well, how the hell do I put it across that yes, I do have a girlfriend, yes, we're in a loving long term relationship, yes, she is aware that our relationship was open and it was 50% her idea? There's simply no good way of doing it.

But my envy is tempered by a huge amusement; she mostly wants to sleep with women and is now finding out just how damn difficult courting a woman actually is, particularly if all you want is a one night stand.

We have had more than enough fun discussing our various adventures to override any sense of deprivation on my part.

[grumbleina]

True story: DH and I once briefly had an open relationship. Until I realised that I would actually have to go out and find people to sleep with. UGH the FAFF.

I also realised that there was a massive issue, where in order to be a nice person, I should let partners know that I wouldn't be interested, at all, in a relationship. Don't call me, don't ask me out, no we're not going to have dinner some time. Why? Because I'm married. And that's not going to be a super fucking awkward conversation in a casual sex type setting is it. Oh no.

So we gave up. Or, I guess technically we still have an open marriage, but I've never had sex with anyone else and I don't think DH has either.

[MaMaof04]

Minchia
.Minchia it is not about Monogamy as a myth or abstract idea.
it is about responsibility, trustfulness, family building and bonding, open honesty etc etc
I understand from your post that your spouse does not share your philosophy about sex. If shared it would not have been a problem.
May I suggest that you read what the adulterers say when their affairs are uncovered or disclosed to their faithful spouse
Read how much they regret what they did to their spouse. And please do not say to yourself: 'I will not be caught! My spouse will never know about it! I will protect him etc etc'. Sorry for what I will say: but this thinking is the exact thinking of criminals. They indulge in their wrongdoing because each of them think that he is the cleverest of them all and 'he' will not be caught like other criminals. Do not read what you label 'judgmental' people write. Read what people on your side of the fence - the 'betrayers'- say, what they believed the affair was about etc etc etc, how they have been caught or how guilt made them confess, how they wished they did some counseling instead of indulging in the affair, and if you are still convinced that what you do is OK then, yes allow me to have compassion for your husband. And allow me to add some more questions and suggestion: what is lacking in your relationship? Just some fire in bed? Can't you talk with your spouse about it and create it for both of you to enjoy? Please invest a tiny bit of what you invest to keep up your affair in your intimate relations with your legitimate spouse, and check whether it pays off. Good luck to your family- because it is not only about monogamy it is about family- the betrayers betray all the family members, the closer and the broader family, and by paining their spouse they do weaken/crush the spouse's whole being- including his parent side. Affairs do deeply affect kids because it affect their parents. Moreover kids do not like to think about their parents as sexual entities. And affairs are first of all sexual. Maybe it is in our nature we humans not to be monogamous, but it is only after we adopted monogamy/honesty (if both partners are OK to have an open marriage then it is fine by all standards as long as they talk about it and are honest about their affairs) that we were able to progress forward socially and morally, and to grow as individuals and as pleasant and reliable social beings. If you cannot disclose it to your spouse then you lie to him the father of your kids and deep down you know it is not ok. Professionals got special terms for the rationalization betrayers bring up to justify the behavior they know will hurt their partner when it is brought to their attention. Good luck to you and to your family. I wish it will not be hurt or shake.