Monogomy

[Minchia]

I read these pages and sometimes wonder if I'm of a different species when it comes to Monogomy. I don't actually think we can can get everything we need from one person, sometimes what someone offers is something we could never get from our primary relationship.
I can't really relate to the huge disgust felt for adulterers. Sex is just a natural thing and should we really condemn people for following their animal urges?
I'm married. I love my husband. We're a good team and we laugh and take care of each other. We have children.
I'm also having sex with someone else. He's married too.
It's intoxicating. We're both indulging sides of ourselves that we don't get to elsewhere in our lives. Neither of us are unhappy in our marriages but the sexual chemistry is immense.
We have tried to resist but it is so difficult and actually, I don't feel any guilt about it though I wouldn't want my husband to know as he would be hurt.
I understand that many will condemn me as I've read these pages for a while. I just can't relate to the comments. I don't really understand sexual jealousy. I think people stay in relationships because they want to. My husband gives me lots of what I need, I give him lots of what he needs. I can get the rest from elsewhere. I intended to be totally monogomous when I married. I didn't seek this out or yearn for it but i can't resist it.
Is there anyone that thinks like me or am I just some kind of freak in our society?

[Samantha28]

Don't be stupid, you are not " some kind of freak " . Lots of people are not into monogamy . They have open relationships .

So why don't you discuss this with your Dh , so you can have an open marriage too ? You say you love him, but you are denying him all the joy that you say your affair brings you . You are selfish and dishonest .

He's got as much right as you have to make his own choices in life .

[CuriouSir]

Cowardly. Grow some balls and talk to your poor husband so he can make an informed choice about how he wants to live his life.

[bakingaddict]

I think that when you are single it's fine to have as many sexual partners on the go at once as you can possibly manage but unless your DH consented to an open marriage then you both entered into this marriage knowing that monogamy was expected

You are not some kind of 'radical' or 'alternative' person just somebody who is trying to justify a bit on the side.

If my DH cheated what would hypothetically upset me would not necessarily be act of the sex itself but the loss of a life that I envisioned all those years ago when we got married. That this life we have built together including our children has been compromised by his desire for a quick thrill. I guess you have to decide what is more important to you, building love, loyalty and trust with one special person or the thrill of illicit sex but you can guarantee you won't get to have both indefinetly. Infidelity isn't just about sexual jealousy it's much more complex than that hence why most marriages break down once somebody strays because the hardest thing is trying to re-establish trust in the relationship again

[Branleuse]

why do so many people assume that monogamy is british and not continental? Thats two or three people on this thread that have implied that.
Europeans generally do monogamy as much as the british

[Branleuse]

im not bothered about sexual fidelity or infidelity in itself. I find monogamy pretty easy but its not essential.

However if i found out my partner was off having some joyful affair, making him feel super alive and fabulous while i was holding the fort at home, supporting him in other ways, whilst only getting the shitty parts of the relationship while being led to believe we had something special, id be fucking FURIOUS at the deceit of it all.

[AnyFucker]

that's an interesting question, Bran

certainly some people who shag around in "monogamous" relationships do seem to think themselves somehow more continental or exotic or special in some way (as evidenced by OP)

when really they are simply as mundane as the next person...cheaters are ten-a-penny in actual fact

[LaurieFairyCake]

You're neither exotic nor special

Either agree with your Dh you both want open relationships - he may want to too.

Or stop being a total bastard with the lying and cheating.

[Branleuse]

i think the main difference in european cultures is that they dont expect politicians to lose their jobs over stuff like that as its their home life, but that in no way translates to europeans all having a bit on the side and everyone being fine with it.

[Minchia]

Gosh, I certainly don't think I'm doing anything groundbreaking or forging some kind of 'new way'! I'm not special or exotic.
On the contrary, I am aware of how ridiculously clichéd this whole thing is. The reason it's clichéd though is because it is so common. And given that this is the case, should we not just accept that this is how people are, instead of all the moral outrage?

[EElisavetaofBelsornia]

Have you got children OP? If so please read Don'tStepOnTheMomeRaths post and think about it. You are an adult making choices which can have life changing implications for others. You really should look outside of yourself.

[BuggersMuddle]

You are not a freak OP, although you are a cheat and a liar.

Plenty of people have open relationships & plenty don't for good reasons on both sides. Those who I know do, have to do a lot of work to keep the relationships going. It can (depending on the set up) also mean giving up a lot of things you would expect in a monogamous relationship, even if you do the whole 'primary partner' thing.

Consider though your DH. Let's say he was up for an open relationship after you have your non-jealousy chat. He then introduces his first 'secondary' who is ten years younger than you, with a model physique, no baggage and a PhD. Are you still not jealous / worried?

While it's all awesome sex I'm sure it's great. The reality of managing multiple relationships - warts and all - in an open manner is I suspect somewhat more challenging.

[shaska]

I have seen open relationships up close and it is indeed quite heavy on logistics, and talking. The people I know who it works for are the people who are honest.

It's really very simple.

If you want to have sex with someone other than your partner, ask them what they think about it. If they say no, or you know that even asking the question would damage or destroy your relationship, then you have two options: 1. Don't do it. 2. End your relationship. Any other choice is selfish and cowardly.

Also: I am yet to meet someone who cheated who didn't think that they were a little bit of a special snowflake. I'm sure such people exist, but I've never met one.

And I totally agree that an awful lot of cheaters are getting off on the secrecy of it. They're the worst ones. I have some sympathy for the ones who have just idiotically made a mess. The relishers - none at all.

[busyme23]

I agree with AuntieStella on this one.

[123upthere]

And what if your bit on the side also has another bit on the side to you, & so on? STD's anyone? Luffley.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Um I don't think people are morally outraged, they just feel sorry for your cuckold h.

Why don't you discuss with him about following your "animal instincts" with other men? That's what someone with guts would do...

[MephistophelesApprentice]

I'm in an open relationship and the fundamental, unbreakable deal ending rule is total disclosure.

In a sense you are right - monogamy is such a dominant paradigm it appears all but unquestionable. But really, you haven't questioned it - as far as half the relationship is aware, it's still the way your partnership is arranged. Until you discuss it with your husband, you're not doing polygamy, you're just failing at monogamy.

[WineWineWine]

should we not just accept that this is how people are, instead of all the moral outrage?

It isn't how people are, it's how some people choose to live.
And the moral outrage isn't about an open relationships, it's about your lies and deceit.
And if you had any backbone to speak of, you would be talking to your husband about this, rather than trying to persuade a bunch of strangers on the internet, that we should all accept this as normal behaviour.

[Twentythree9teen]

I'm not the least bit shocked by your views on monogamy.

I am however appalled that you can't spell it.

[kaykayblue]

Some people find monogamy genuinely difficult, and unnecessary and stressful, and will tout lots of pretentious spiel about "continental attitudes" and how monogamy is "unnatural".

These people should therefore not take social vows which SPECIFICALLY state that they will remain monogamous until the day they die.

Even if you didn't realise what strong views you had on the subject until after you were married, stuck in a rut, and someone who took your fancy came along (my, how convenient?), you still had a choice. You had a choice to sit down with your husband and say that you were struggling with this aspect of the relationship, and you needed more flexibility.

That would give him a choice. A choice to either engage in the same behaviour as you, or to WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY accept that you did so, or to say that this was a deal breaker for him and to finish the relationship.

Also, I really wish people would stop putting forward "continental" views of marriage as some kind of elusive high brow justification of how society accepts adultery.

Spain and Italy are very Catholic countries, which subsequently have very strong notions of gender roles. The acceptance of adultery is a massive double standard, which ONLY APPLIES TO MEN. As a generalisation, many men have a huge madonna/whore complex, so when their wife has children, they become a mother and not a lover. A woman is expected to not ask questions so as to avoid the stigma of divorce, or risk her family unit. To present this as some kind of futuristic liberal ideal of marriage is frankly terrifying.

France too, isn't the free swinging free for all that people put it forwards as. It's true that adultery is much more acceptable here, but that is for OTHER PEOPLE. So, for example, if you found out that a colleague was having an affair, you wouldn't give a shit because it doesn't affect you. You wouldn't treat them any differently, or judge them for it, because it doesn't impact your life in any way. Likewise, if you found out a friend was having an affair, you would expect them to divorce, but you probably wouldn't cut ties with the adulterer. If YOUR spouse was having an affair, then - just like the UK - most people would either work through it or separate. It's not some magical wonderland where everyone is free to screw whoever and no-one cares. It's not permanently woodstock.

The only reason why Francois Hollande got more popular after he had an affair was because he is so fucking BLAND and DULL that people were amazed he was actually capable of it.

[FellowTraveller]

Dear Minchia

I am not here to judge you in any way. Just a fellow traveller in this difficult life...

I have been tempted just like you and I am so glad that on each occasion I have simply run away. My 20 years of marriage is so much better and fulfilling because I have never ever been unfaithful. But I have been tempted once or twice...but I said No!

Here is a website that you may find helpful. Lots about marriage and relationships from a very respected counsellor...

drjamesdobson.org/alt/a2?utm_expid=45934015-9.4fn53bPwRSKgeEg9JdxpTw.1&utm_referrer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Ddr%2520james%2520dobson%26FORM%3DBWLH1

Just to confirm also that all of us meet attractive people throughout our married lives. You are no different Minchia!

The wiser amongst us flee all those things that are extremely harmful, including having affairs. It is hard to flee but flee we must.

There are certain things in life that human beings simply cannot do...you don't need me to tell you what these things are...

[PaleoTillChristmas]

OP, I've only read your comments. I totally agree with what you've said.

I know for me, the guilt I've internalised from society would make it impossible for me to have sex with anyone except dh. Also the fear that he'd find out, I'd rather die than hurt his feelings.

So I'll almost definitely stay monogamous. BUT I honestly don't believe it's natural, certainly not for everyone anyway. Being monogamous for me is a sort of square peg in a round hole thing, but I'll do it anyway for the reasons above.

[Nomama]

Hi Minchia.

There are 2 aspects to your post and I think you have been made acutely aware of them...

1. You are right. The natural urge for men and women is to procreate and get the best out of a partner, support and gene wise. There is lots and lots of varied and really interesting psychological research into this. Basically anything you can think of or desire has a natural basis... that can (obviously) become warped, but having multiple partners is not one of the warped ways of being.

1. The social construct - now that is where you deviate! I am a 'good girl', been with 1 man for 31 years and have never cheated. I would be devastated to find out he had. But I have looked, leered and pondered the possibility. But The Law says I should not and, to be honest, I haven't found someone who was interesting enough (well, there was that Spanish student when I was at Uni, oh, he could have been... well, maybe).

Anyway, the first says you are being normal, acting at a primal level. The second says (quite sharply and very judgmentally usually) you are a home wrecking slut. The truth must lie somewhere in the middle.

Regardless of all of that, I would add my voice to those who urge you to think this through, maybe find a counsellor you can talk about your feelings to. You may be feeling sexually fulfilled but are you really being made happier by this in the longer term? There must be quite a big hole in your life if you need another man, a married one who probably won't ever ask you for commitment, to help you feel good/happy.

You and your family deserve happy parents and, whilst for you DH ignorance is currently bliss, you need to work that one out!

Good luck with it!