Friend engaged to EA partner.

[Playthegameout]

I've worried about posting this just in case but I don't really know what to do anymore, so here goes. Not NC'd as I know there's been some disingenuous threads recently. Please bear with me apologies for length.

A very good friend of mine met her fiancé 13 years ago. We are part of a friendship group of over 15 years. None of her friends met him until they'd been together for around a year. In all honesty many of us were not very keen on him, as when he did finally agree to meet us, he got extremely drunk and said some not very nice things to her (he said she was stupid/a bimbo. Nothing could be further from the truth as she is a very well educated professional).

We noticed our friend stopped coming out with us. At first we accepted she was loved up etc with her partner, but over time it became clear he was telling her when she could/couldn't go out. He had also suggested she changed her appearance. She is striking and taller than him. He suggested she cut and dye her hair, only wear flat shoes, nothing fitted etc.

Another very close friend and I spoke to her as gently as possible about our concerns. She was very defensive and said she was "well aware" but that she made allowances because he had had a very difficult upbringing and had also had access to his children (from a previous relationship) denied.

After 11 years he allowed her to move into his house. She began to pay the mortgage and for most of the bills. He will not entertain adding her name to the mortgage. After she moved in he stopped going to work, she told us he was too depressed to work, but would not see his GP as he didn't trust doctors.

He has lived entirely on her salary for 2 years. He has final say on everything she does. She openly admits he calls her names, drinks heavily and has been violent. She absolutely insists she loves him and will not leave him. She has explicitly said she is happy to call time on any friendship if anyone continues to criticise him. They got engaged in summer. We have no idea what to do. The rest of us are all married and have kids, she has wanted to get married and have a family for a long time, we're all mid/late 30s and I know her age troubles Her. I got her a congratulations card but it is utterly awful trying to pretend to be happy about this.

Question is how do we/I support her? She says she wants us to be happy for her, I just can't see how.

I agree that it's a good idea to let her know that you care, and that you're always there for her. But I also think you don't have to 'normalise' this for her. She laughed at her partners vile racist comment, you don't have to pretend this is ok.

Nor do you have to say or do things that totally contradict how you really feel. If this idiot ever actually marries her for instance, you can choose not to attend. I'm not sure I could, in all good faith.

longtalljosie both myself and her brother have raised our concerns to her parents. It's very difficult to say this as I adore her family, but they seem very taken in by him. I honestly find it impossible to understand it, but they are. Her dad seems uncertain of him, but her mum really supports them. They weren't dismissive of our concerns, they looked quite upset, but they haven't to my knowledge done anything.

tribpot that is exactly what he has told her. He gave a sob story about having nothing and his ex scalping him of all his savings. He perpetuates the idea that he needs her. He can't see a Dr for depression because he is scared of them, so she is the one standing between life and death for him etc. I can understand when people feel incredulous about these things, I often feel like that too, knowing she is one of the most down to earth, pragmatic people I know. But, that's how abusers work.

I've just seen that there's a Panorama special on domestic violence on Monday night that may be useful.
Play did you see your friend yesterday?