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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend engaged to EA partner.

78 replies

Playthegameout · 02/12/2014 19:58

I've worried about posting this just in case but I don't really know what to do anymore, so here goes. Not NC'd as I know there's been some disingenuous threads recently. Please bear with me apologies for length.

A very good friend of mine met her fiancé 13 years ago. We are part of a friendship group of over 15 years. None of her friends met him until they'd been together for around a year. In all honesty many of us were not very keen on him, as when he did finally agree to meet us, he got extremely drunk and said some not very nice things to her (he said she was stupid/a bimbo. Nothing could be further from the truth as she is a very well educated professional).

We noticed our friend stopped coming out with us. At first we accepted she was loved up etc with her partner, but over time it became clear he was telling her when she could/couldn't go out. He had also suggested she changed her appearance. She is striking and taller than him. He suggested she cut and dye her hair, only wear flat shoes, nothing fitted etc.

Another very close friend and I spoke to her as gently as possible about our concerns. She was very defensive and said she was "well aware" but that she made allowances because he had had a very difficult upbringing and had also had access to his children (from a previous relationship) denied.

After 11 years he allowed her to move into his house. She began to pay the mortgage and for most of the bills. He will not entertain adding her name to the mortgage. After she moved in he stopped going to work, she told us he was too depressed to work, but would not see his GP as he didn't trust doctors.

He has lived entirely on her salary for 2 years. He has final say on everything she does. She openly admits he calls her names, drinks heavily and has been violent. She absolutely insists she loves him and will not leave him. She has explicitly said she is happy to call time on any friendship if anyone continues to criticise him. They got engaged in summer. We have no idea what to do. The rest of us are all married and have kids, she has wanted to get married and have a family for a long time, we're all mid/late 30s and I know her age troubles Her. I got her a congratulations card but it is utterly awful trying to pretend to be happy about this.

Question is how do we/I support her? She says she wants us to be happy for her, I just can't see how. Sad

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 03/12/2014 17:55

I have no solutions for you. But DH and I agreed year ago, that if and when a friend of mine calls needing help after finally realising what an absolute ass her now husband is (and sadly, we are firmly convinced it will be physical abuse when it eventually happens), I will drop everything and fly to where she is. It's all we can do.

She knows that we think her relationship with him is wrong. But there is nothing we can do. So we remain friends, keep quiet, be supportive and hope she understands that when things fall apart, and they will, we WILL be here for her.

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2014 17:58

The point I was trying to make there was that my friend didn't see herself as weak and in other areas of her life she is strong, etc so I can definitely see similarities with the link above.

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2014 18:01

That's pretty much what I did too Working - wasn't till she left him that my friend confessed that things had got physical, but it was fine because he "only" pushed her...

Hope it's not long before you're dropping everything for your friend and helping her to rebuild her life without him.

Original poster
Playthegameout · 03/12/2014 18:07

Good point pheonix I have no idea what he has access to Sad. I could try to show her when we're out, but that seems like a bit of an ambush, and I have no way to predict how she'd react.

OP posts:
Legionofboom · 03/12/2014 18:16

I have no idea what he has access to

I think it is safest to assume that abusive partners have access to everything. My friend's partner checks the mileage on her car to see if she has been anywhere other than straight to work and back.

simontowers2 · 03/12/2014 18:20

So you are saying her friends should make allowances for her behaviour because she is being abused?

I'm not sure this board is the best fit for you, Simon

Cheers anyfucker but i'll let mnhq be the judge of that.

Trouble is there are too many generalisations being made about abusive relationships here. Why are we are assuming the OP's mate needs to get out of this relationship? Maybe she is happy - in her own way. The OP says her mate is intelligent so why isnt she being trusted by mumsnetters to make the right choice? Surely after ten years she knows her mind on this issue?

AnyFucker · 03/12/2014 18:27

HQ would only need to be the "judge" if you were reported, simon. That was just a bit of friendly advice I was giving you Wink

I don't go onto the eg. keeping bees thread because I don't have experience of keeping bees and any pronouncements I make on said subject are likely to be lacking in depth of understanding.

queenoftheknight · 03/12/2014 18:37

Simon, you are making yourself look really stupid. It's embarrassing. Now go and click on the links at the top and have enough humility to learn about a subject it is patently clear, that you have no understanding of.

Please.

simontowers2 · 03/12/2014 18:46

Just cos i refuse to buy into the idea that this whole post is black and white queen doesnt make me stupid. Like bloody land of the sheep around here at times.

queenoftheknight · 03/12/2014 18:49

You are wrong, and you are also hijacking the thread.

simontowers2 · 03/12/2014 18:50

So are you so i suggest you pack it in and so will i. End of.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2014 18:51

if being a "sheep" is offering unjudgemental support to women even if their dire situation was well signposted with the benefit of hindsight, you can start calling me WoollyFucker

"You made your bed..." doesn't figure much in my vocabulary

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2014 18:58

he calls her names, drinks heavily and has been violent

No-one would be better off staying in this type of abusive relationship than they would leaving it.

simontowers2 · 03/12/2014 19:04

My only beef with the OP's mate anyfucker was that she was saying she would bin off friends who criticised this guy. To me that is very poor form abuse or no abuse. You cant blame everything on the abuse. It's not like she is being brainwashed, she is a grown adult who is capable of making decisions; or are we saying people who choose shit boyfriends should be excused if they start treating their friends like shite?

Saltedcaramel2014 · 03/12/2014 19:14

This is a really important and serious topic and I think it's getting derailed. We could all explain what an abusive relationship is actually like to Simon, who won't listen, or go back to answering the OPs question.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2014 19:15

Nobody has said that. The standard advice (reiterated on this thread) for these situations is that you take a step back, protect yourself but leave the door open if the abused person wishes to find a way back and ask for help

Nobody needs to make any judgement on why someone acts as they do if you follow that advice. Who does it help to do that ? No one.

trackrBird · 03/12/2014 19:16

Play, it's up to you to really; but there's a case for keeping the video link under your hat, until there's a chance she'll be receptive to it. It's strong stuff.

However, it does illustrate how someone trapped in an abusive relationship might rationalise the abuse to themselves, and the many reasons why they might not leave.

If you can, I'd start by having a quiet word with her, very much along the lines SelfLoathing suggested yesterday. Simple, factual, and calm. See how it goes.

WillkommenBienvenue · 03/12/2014 19:16

OP not read the thread but has anyone suggesting that you get your friend to start a thread on here? Or read this one?

Original poster
Playthegameout · 03/12/2014 19:35

Wilkommen I've thought about that too. I don't think she's on mn, I didn't name change, she'd know this is me as I have a tatoo with the same quote as my username and the details are pretty revealing I guess, so she could find this if she was. My reticence in showing her comes from my concern that she'd see this as me publicly decrying their relationship, which might mean she shuts the door on me.

simon you're welcome to your view, but I actually do think it's a form of brain washing. The build up was slow, she didn't just change over night. As a friend I'm happy to make allowances. I'm glad you've given the flip side of the coin, the only thing I'd ask is you don't keep arguing with other posters whose input has been really helpful.

OP posts:
simontowers2 · 03/12/2014 20:15

Fair nuff play

WillkommenBienvenue · 03/12/2014 20:22

You could ask MNHQ to delete the thread, I'm sure they would do it under these circumstances. And it's easy to change your username.

Jupitersmoon · 03/12/2014 20:43

OP I contacted womens aid via email and they sent me a long response with good advice (most of which has been said on the thread alread- basically don't isolate her further as this is what abusers want and make sure she knows you're there if she needs you). But I found the following quite helpful, I hadn't looked at it like this before

Support your relative, but allow her to make her own decisions. It is important to remember that within her relationship she may not have been able to make decisions for herself, so she is going to need some time. You may have to accept that she is not yet ready to leave the relationship.

It might be worth calling them for a chat, Im sure they can give you advice as to how to proceed.

Original poster
Playthegameout · 04/12/2014 07:13

jupiters thank you, I will contact them today, wilkommen I think I half wanted her to be able to read this, iyswim, but I don't at the same time? Thank you for the guidance. I just wanted to pop back to say I really appreciate everyone's input. I'm meeting her later for a coffee, after much soul searching I feel the right thing to do is to remind her she is very loved by her family and friends, but to say how worried we are. Just hope she doesn't get too angry.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/12/2014 07:49

Good luck. What does her mum think?

tribpot · 04/12/2014 08:06

I hope she will watch the TED talk - another smart, successful, ballsy woman who basically allowed someone to kick her around because she thought it was the two of them against the world, because only she could understand the pain he was in due to childhood abuse. Sound familiar? Leslie Morgan Steiner does a fantastic job in explaining how this happens.

He's probably told her that only she can save him, and if she loved him more he wouldn't need to act out. No doubt he has 'trust issues' that prevent him being able to put her on the mortgage but they know how things are between them so it's not an issue.

I guess maybe the best thing you can do is what people often do on here, which is to ask what she would say to a friend in her situation. What sad waste this is of her happiness and years of her life. You have my sympathies, OP.

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