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Original poster

Does he want a baby...

69 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 01/12/2014 22:15

Ask him, I hear you all say... But my DP is not good with emotional words, he won't even say he missed me when I am away, but I will come home to 4 course dinner, bubble bath, cocktails etc. He always brings me gifts when he goes away, even just for a weekend.

I have two DC's youngest is in primary school. We are 39, he has never married with no DC. Been together more than 3 years. My DC's both love him. I have asked him several times if he wants kids, he says not sure and No I don't but if you get pregnant I will do the right thing, Anyway having trouble with my contraception, weight gain on anything with progesterone,and had to go under general to remove a copper coil that got lost and stuck In my womb.

I suggested he gets a vasectomy, he point blank refuses. I went to the doctors to discuss options and brought the family planning leaflet for him. He has suggested a get off contraception and practice safe days. I explained that that's the riskiest form of contraception and that I did not want him to resent me if I got pregnant. I said I wanted him to be equally responsible for our choice of contraception.

His response to this was that, he is a gentlement and will do the right thing should I get pregnant. He said no contraception is 100 percent safe and no man should have sex without a condom if they are not ready to accept father wood.

I love my kids so much and feel he is depriving himself of something beautiful. Especially as he is so good with mine.Due to our age/my age I don't have much time. I also no him very well, he is not the soapy type to say honey let's TTC. I don't mind either way just need your thoughts.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 01/12/2014 22:20

No he doesn't want a baby.

No means no
Not sure probably means no but I don't want to say no because I know you don't want to hear it
If you get pregnant I will "do the right thing" probably means no but I will do what I have to if it happens.

It sounds like he doesn't want to say yes because that makes him responsible and he doesn't want to be responsible for making that choice.

If he won't have proper honest discussions with you (how utterly exhausting and lonely that must be) then perhaps you should say well, I do want a child so if you do not, then you have to take responsibility for preventing it.

tbh, practically every man who I have been told promised to "do the right thing" actually, when the opportunity to prove it came along, actually did a runner.

I wouldn't rely on that 'I'm a gentleman, I will stand by you' nonsense. He should not be allowed to act like he'd be doing you a favour.

mmmuffins · 01/12/2014 22:22

He has told you he doesn't want kinds, and still wants to be using "contraception" when you have sex. It doesn't sound like he actively wants children, no.

If you also don't actively want children, then all sounds well.

holdyourown · 01/12/2014 22:23

not quite sure what you're asking Confused
What do you want? Do you want another baby?

If he's said he's not sure or no then which is it? It seems like you're saying you've agreed to use withdrawal method of contraception - which may or may not result in pregnancy. Do you feel like at 39 this is your last chance, if you were able to get pregnant? How about if you dont - are you worried he may want children later on with someone else? If so perhaps he would've done that by age 39 imo. Anyway, he is lucky enough to have met you with your two lovely dcs Smile

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 01/12/2014 22:25

No means no - he doesn't want a baby.

But he is a naive fool if he plays Vatican Roulette - you and he need to be using condoms.

venusandmars · 01/12/2014 22:25

Easy life for him. No condoms, no vasectomy, option to piss off out of it if you do get pregnant.

Not saying that is what he will do, but he has all his options open, and none of the commitment.

A 'gentleman' might give you a clear answer on whether he actually wants children. He might show his 'equal responsibility' by taking some responsibility for contraception himself.

However, your final paragraph sounds like you are hoping beyond hope that his lazy laissez faire approach is a secret desire for a child. IT IS NOT. It's a lazy laissez faire approach to having nice uncomplicated sex, and crossing his fingers that nothing will go wrong.

Please don't risk it with a man who is this uncommitted.

Windywinston · 01/12/2014 22:28

Vatican roulette Grin

No he doesn't want a baby.

I can't stand men who say they don't want a baby, but won't take responsibility for making sure it doesn't happen though. Grrrr

FelicityGubbins · 01/12/2014 22:29

maybe try changing the question slightly from "what would you do if I got pregnant?" to "how would you feel towards the child if I got pregnant?" and see if he is any more forthcoming?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 01/12/2014 22:31

He really should be going to the doc/family planning clinic himself and/or with you to discuss things.

He's putting it all in your hands, and I'd bet my last pound it'll be all your fault and an immaculate conception fairy story if you do fall pregnant.

Please don't think of having a baby with this man.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 01/12/2014 22:51

Vatican roulette, that's a good one, as usual thank you for your wise and varied thoughts, laissez faire approach to uncomplicated sex, another great way of helping me think. Yes I suppose I read too much into the whole thing.

I just wondered if anyone has experienced meeting a partner without kids and if they regretted not having one of their own.

Yes Windywinston, if I did not want a baby I would be managing the contraception to make sure it never went wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 01/12/2014 22:54

Hello Felicity, I have asked him how he would be if we had a baby and he said he will be a great hands on dad.

OP posts:
MeMyselfAnd1 · 01/12/2014 22:56

You know... Not everybody has an innate desire to procreate, a lot of people don't want to have children.

He is 39 and he already has your children in his life, he doesn't want anymore.

MsPavlichenko · 01/12/2014 23:06

If you are happy to be pregnant, and to be prepared that you may find yourself doing it alone (worse case scenario, but sadly not unheard of ) then ok. If not, then think carefully about your options, and at the very least make certain you don't get pregnant.

venusandmars · 01/12/2014 23:18

I replied up thread, but in response to your questions about meeting a partner without kids....

We had long, long discussions. I know, and he knows, that he would have been a fab dad. He was (and is) brilliant with my dc.

For us, at the end of the discussion, it was about the children who already exist, who are secure and happy with a Mum (a distant Dad) and a step-Dad. Their security would be massively changed by a new half-sibling appearing on the scene, and our relationship would be massively changed by it too (and having had kids I knew how much things changed with a baby in the house).

So despite my hormonal longing for a child, and despite his longing for his own blood-child, and despite our shared dreams about what a 'child of ours' would look like, we made some very practical decisions not to have baby.

We both acknowledge our sadness that it didn't happen. But it was (for us) the best decision ever.

And that was with a man who might have wanted children. If you can't have that kind of discussion, don't even go there.

Angleshades · 01/12/2014 23:32

It doesn't sound like he wants a baby. I think you're reading too much into his words. Not once has he said 'yes I want a baby' but you're asking people on a forum to decide for you if that is what he is hinting at so you can validate getting pregnant. Can you be sure he won't resent you for getting pregnant? Best to start taking the pill, have the injection... not use withdrawal method for protection as this is very risky. Only when your DP says he 'wants a baby' should you then go ahead with unprotected sex.

Drumdrum60 · 01/12/2014 23:32

No he doesn't want children. So take full responsibility for your own protection.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 01/12/2014 23:41

he Venusandmars,

That was a very child cantered decision, well done for not putting your hormones above your logic. I had a different experience with my ex H, having the kids was one thing we enjoyed, despite other short comings in the relationship. The only reason I still speak to ex is because of the DC. I suppose DC's do bind people together.

I found when my youngest came he brought joy to all of us, including DD who loved being big sister. I agree though that baby can change the dynamic.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 01/12/2014 23:49

No he doesn't want a baby. Even my Autsitc non emotional husband is capable of telling me if he wants a child or not. This man isn't hinting about a baby.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 02/12/2014 00:23

Babies bind people together but also put enormous pressure on relationships. You seem to want a baby to "formalise" your relationship but I would say that if you go ahead with a pregnancy even when he is saying no, he will learn to love his child, but he will resent you forever.

HumblePieMonster · 02/12/2014 01:03

as long as he is fertile (and he has no intention of having a vasectomy so he's keeping that option open) he has the opportunity to cut and run, finding a younger woman to make babies with.

do you want a baby with him? is that really the point? or are you happy with the children you have?

King1982 · 02/12/2014 03:20

venusandmars if you split up? Will your now husband still have access to his stepson?

King1982 · 02/12/2014 03:22

*sorry - now partner

WildBillfemale · 02/12/2014 06:18

He's told you he doesn't want kids 'not sure why you are claiming he hasn't becauee he's 'not good with emotional words' or you both know he would have been a great dad and you think he's missing out on 'something beautiful'.

Bottom line is he's told you he doesn't want kids. You clearly want another one.
As for all your 'contraception dramas' it's like you are setting the scene for an 'accidentally on purpose baby'.
Stop being so selfish.

McSqueezy · 02/12/2014 07:24

Been in a similar situation, got the t-shirt. Except in my case I was told I had very low chances of ever conceiving naturally again anyway, so risks were taken that otherwise would not be.

Well in the end my "good guy, who would do the right thing" abandoned his own child, moved on and left me to pick up the pieces.

It's not worth the heartache, listen to what he is telling you.

kittensinmydinner · 02/12/2014 07:32

Ask him if he is committed sufficiently to marry you.(before you get pregnant) Then you will be able to measure the truth in his "doing the right thing' words....

holeinmyheart · 02/12/2014 07:33

He has had the experience of being with your children and from what you say he has been brilliant.
However, as he has never married and never had children, being with yours, for him, would have been like a bolt from the blue.
No one has any idea what it is like to have children until you have them ( I know I will get flamed for such a strident view, but this is what I think)

So it was a shock to his system. Congratulations to him for being so patient and good to them. BUT It would make anyone hesitant and that what I think he is.
If you think your relationship with him is caste iron, and you think he loves you and you love him I think you should have a baby. He is adamant he doesn't want a vasectomy. That is a big clue. He is intelligent to know the ' withdrawal method is pants.
Your boys will love the baby. If you all pull together and see that they receive some attention, everyone will benefit. Your partner will fall in love with his own flesh and blood. Your children are old enough not to be jealous and will enjoy the baby. My older ones were thrilled when I had more babies.
Yes there are terrible risks involved, but there is so much joy to be had. There are risks with every activity in life.
I am biased as I utterly love babies. Go for it!

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