Does he want a baby...

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Ask him, I hear you all say... But my DP is not good with emotional words, he won't even say he missed me when I am away, but I will come home to 4 course dinner, bubble bath, cocktails etc. He always brings me gifts when he goes away, even just for a weekend.

I have two DC's youngest is in primary school. We are 39, he has never married with no DC. Been together more than 3 years. My DC's both love him. I have asked him several times if he wants kids, he says not sure and No I don't but if you get pregnant I will do the right thing, Anyway having trouble with my contraception, weight gain on anything with progesterone,and had to go under general to remove a copper coil that got lost and stuck In my womb.

I suggested he gets a vasectomy, he point blank refuses. I went to the doctors to discuss options and brought the family planning leaflet for him. He has suggested a get off contraception and practice safe days. I explained that that's the riskiest form of contraception and that I did not want him to resent me if I got pregnant. I said I wanted him to be equally responsible for our choice of contraception.

His response to this was that, he is a gentlement and will do the right thing should I get pregnant. He said no contraception is 100 percent safe and no man should have sex without a condom if they are not ready to accept father wood.

I love my kids so much and feel he is depriving himself of something beautiful. Especially as he is so good with mine.Due to our age/my age I don't have much time. I also no him very well, he is not the soapy type to say honey let's TTC. I don't mind either way just need your thoughts.

Zzz, for someone who isn't particularly bothered about Catholicism's views on contraception, you seem rather over-invested, if you've gone to the trouble of looking up the Telegraph (God help us!) for support.

If you read up on it more carefully, you might notice that the last Pope said only that in certain circumstances such as a prostitute looking to avoid spreading HIV, the use of a condom, while unacceptable in itself, could suggest the dawning of a moral outlook. He made it clear that the teaching of Humanae Vitae, that sex is reserved for marriage and without contraceptive devices, still holds without exception.

Sporty for thread derail, OP. Please listen to the good advice that you've had.

So the woman who has sex with her husband should be punished because he's slept with other women first and passed on his HIV to her? Hardly her fault is it?

I haven't branded you as anything

There's a difference between branding Catholics as evil and saying that the catholic church has done some pretty despicable things.

I've got nothing against anyone of any religion, I don't begrudge anyone their faith, but I begrudge any establishment (religious or otherwise) that actively contributes to people's suffering. The Catholic Church is far from alone in this and if nobody is allowed to criticise any establishment then how does anything ever change?

No he does NOT want a child.
He may do "the right thing" if you get pregnant but he might think you trapped him. That means in the future he might make you pay for it.

Phew, lots and lots of thoughts. To answer some of your questions. I still have the Mirena in, I have an appointment with GP next week to remove it as I wanted a couple of weeks to review all the options.

I mentioned the not wanting to get married, because someone unthread suggested its best to be married to have security before marriage. I don't need financial security I have that, plus a lovely home so not an issue in this scenario, however I understand why this will be important minder different circumstances. Unfortunately No longer believe a marriage certificate equals a happy relationship/or good father. I think it's all about being practical and dedicated. marriage certificate or not.

I am slightly disappointed that some people think men should be exempt from being proactive in contraception. I personally thing men should do as much as a woman to prevent pregnancy if they are not ready or un sure.

I have to decided on sterilisation, I have not read up about it, I was very happy on the coil until the problems started. I think neither of us are ready for sterilisation,vasectomy. I am not entirely againinst having another child but I realise at 39 it's now or never.

Ambivalent is a fair description of him when it comes to words, he is a more demonstrative sort of person. It's not fair to ask you Guys to read someone you don't know, there is such a think as non verbal communication it which you can see more than the words uttered. I know he loves me and my kids and there is no question about that.unless he is talking about sports, science and maths. He is reserved when it comes to emotional stuff.

He went to boarding school at 7 and his family are not close at all. I am not making exuses just giving you a picture of my DP emotional experiences.

I'm not sure why you see the contraception problem solely in terms of having another child. Even if you do, you will then be back where you are now, with you struggling with contraception and him unwilling to take up the slack. The two decisions don't connect.

I personally would want to be explicitly trying to conceive or explicitly not trying to conceive, with no grey area. He may not like having the conversation but I would imagine you don't particularly like having a GA to remove a lost coil. Amazing, in life we have to do things which are uncomfortable sometimes.

I agree Chunderela, I think I am not on the get sterilisation stage yet. So that's an option out of the window. I also agree that a decision to have a baby is a big one and a woman should ask herself if she can raise her off spring with or without a partner, because anything can happen.The man should too.

I best take a serious look at Vatican roulette, I dismissed it without a detailed look into it.

I'm not usually one to push for marriage as commitment and when you are younger it probably doesn't mean that much. As you are older all sorts of other things come into it.

If you die, who will look after your children, what will happen to your estate and your home - if you are not married it will go to your parents or your nearest sibling able to come with it.

If you are taken ill he won't have access to information or be able to make decisions about your health.

The same applies to him. Marriage is a really straightforward way of ensuring that if things go terribly wrong, the other person will be able to do the best with what's left.

Marriage actually has very little to do with commitment for now, it's no guarantee of togetherness but it does mean that you have things sewn up in the future.

You sound as though you might want to have a child with him. If that's the case the best solution would be to get married before you do and that will help him understand the gravity of having children and the lifelong commitment that it is. Once the commitment is made, the knot is tied, you will both have security and perhaps that's what you need, both of you, to feel confident about your future together.

Of course he may be a manipulative nasty abusive piece of work, I will never know from this thread but I'm sure you can work that out.

Thank you Wilko, I see your point. Funnily enough we discussed becoming each others next of kin yesterday and letting the GP know this week.

I will take your points on board and ponder some more. I agree that marriage is a good way of sorting out some legal complexities. In this world of high devorce rates, I am sure there are other ways. However I agree that marriage is the best way of communicating exactly what the relationship is about.

I met my DH nearly three years ago. We've now been married for almost four months

I have two children - eldest is 16, youngest 8. I didn't want any more. He didn't want children and was upfront about never having wanted them. We discussed it all and nothing changed in our view point as time went on.

He's an amazing step dad but , for us, and in our 40s, no more going back to the start!

That's lovely sage, doctors at 9am.. Contraception decision still not made.

Quick update before GP tomorrow, spoke to DP again tonight, I asked him as one you suggested, what his feelings would be towards the baby if we conceived on Vatican roulette, he said he would love the baby and would not be resentful towards me or baby. I have decided I will have a few weeks of no senthentic hormones, and try the copper coil again. Mirena is out tomorrow. Thanks for your support.