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Original poster

Does he want a baby...

69 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 01/12/2014 22:15

Ask him, I hear you all say... But my DP is not good with emotional words, he won't even say he missed me when I am away, but I will come home to 4 course dinner, bubble bath, cocktails etc. He always brings me gifts when he goes away, even just for a weekend.

I have two DC's youngest is in primary school. We are 39, he has never married with no DC. Been together more than 3 years. My DC's both love him. I have asked him several times if he wants kids, he says not sure and No I don't but if you get pregnant I will do the right thing, Anyway having trouble with my contraception, weight gain on anything with progesterone,and had to go under general to remove a copper coil that got lost and stuck In my womb.

I suggested he gets a vasectomy, he point blank refuses. I went to the doctors to discuss options and brought the family planning leaflet for him. He has suggested a get off contraception and practice safe days. I explained that that's the riskiest form of contraception and that I did not want him to resent me if I got pregnant. I said I wanted him to be equally responsible for our choice of contraception.

His response to this was that, he is a gentlement and will do the right thing should I get pregnant. He said no contraception is 100 percent safe and no man should have sex without a condom if they are not ready to accept father wood.

I love my kids so much and feel he is depriving himself of something beautiful. Especially as he is so good with mine.Due to our age/my age I don't have much time. I also no him very well, he is not the soapy type to say honey let's TTC. I don't mind either way just need your thoughts.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/12/2014 07:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 02/12/2014 07:58

Good morning, thank you for the interesting and interesting views, not to suggest I am setting myself up for accidental pregnancy, I did not put myself under general the hospital did, I invited him to the doctors but he was working so I understand that. I brought back all the options for us to discuss, the leaflet has all pro and cons of each method.

Whilst I appreciate some me walk out on children, some of these have been married, or had affairs with wife is expecting etc....

Maybe I do really want another child, maybe it's my hormones panicking at my age. In the time we have been together, he has not let me down once, if he says he will do something, or be somewhere, he is. He is great around the house too. I am just saying the signs are that he is reliable. Keep the thoughts coming. Maybe like ZZZ said. I must ask my self various questions.

OP posts:
Isetan · 02/12/2014 08:26

Oh dear, you need to start being honest with him and yourself. It appears you want children and all this 'I don't want him to miss out' and 'he'll make a great dad' talk is your way of trying to Justify your desire.

Him not being proactive and taking contraception seriously isn't code for secretly wanting children, it's the behaviour of a lazy arse man who doesn't want to take any responsibility, actions which are at odds with "I'll do the right thing.

Your kids are 'your kids' , not his and therefore he has no parental, legal or financial responsibility to them. It means he can play happy families without the commitment.

If you want children, say you want children and that you would like to have a child with him. This is far too an important subject to leave to mind reading and guess work.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 02/12/2014 08:35

Isetan, thank you for your views. I have two DC's one of each youngest already a few years in school, if I had not got divorced or met someone with their own children, I doubt I would even consider another.

I do however relate to not having an option for children because you partner doesn't. One of relatives did just that, married a man with 2 children from previous marriage. Now she regrets she did not have her own. She is 46 and that ship has sailed for her. I suppose I am judging DP on how I would be in that situation. Attending school plays, holidays with kids etc that maybe I would want one myself.

With regards to marriage first as suggested up thread, I earn a lot more, have my own house, so I would not want the financial implications of a devorce.once bitten twice shy.. As they say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 02/12/2014 08:38

Oh and I did not look at it as not taking contraception seriously, we discussed all the option and he is choosing the least effective. I thought it was an informed option.

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 09:21

You are pure talking yourself into "he doesn't really mean it oops I'm pregnant".

That's not fair - you need to be honest with him.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 02/12/2014 09:26

Honest about what exactly? We have discussed contraception, he says he knows he would be taking chances if we played Vatican roulette, as someone suggested, he has said he would not blame or resent me if I got pregnant. It's up to me to decide what I do with my body.

Not sure I understand what you mean, he would be having sex and choosing not to use protection, where is the oops in that?

OP posts:
HollyJollyXmas · 02/12/2014 09:51

Its not 'gentlemanly' to be evasive about major life decisions with your partner or to duck out of contraception decisions. He sounds immature.

I wouldnt put my contraception/fertility in his hands. You only have some vague guff about 'being a gentleman' to go on - that isnt an adult commitment.

Are you married? Do you co-own your home? Do you have security? Does he know if he wants THESE things? I'd want to know all that before I proceeded.

CogitOIOIO · 02/12/2014 09:55

No he doesn't want a baby. 'Doing the right thing' in the context of a pregnancy is about pity or duty, not love and not a conscious choice.

zzzzz · 02/12/2014 10:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jennco · 02/12/2014 10:05

I think if you want a baby you need to tell him so and judge his reaction from that point.

If you dont want a baby, then you either A) Deal with contraception yourself - I know thats harsh, given it seems like a limited option :( {Have you thought about sterilisation for yourself if your dead set against it?}
B) Make him use a condom.

Some men can be flimflam about this sort of thing, but to be honest, only you know what he is like and you really really need to get a definitive answer off of him, because if you do want a baby and he doesnt, you will need to have a serious think about moving forward. :(

best of luck xx

LilyPapps · 02/12/2014 11:18

What HollyJolly said. He is behaving like a child who won't step up and make a decision either way, is putting the responsibility for not conceiving on you, then graciously (and in a weirdly 1950s way that suggests zero understanding of the reality of having a child) saying he 'will do the gentlemanly thing' if you get pregnant as a result of the notoriously unreliable system he favours.

Stop thinking so much about him, and wondering whether he will regret his choice if you don't have a child together - think about what you want, in terms of contraception and/or another child.

PS. And as a cradle Catholic, I don't see anything offensive about 'Vatican roulette'. I see it as an appropriate term for a method of pseudo-contraception pushed by a bunch of elderly celibate men who run an organisation which has probably done more to spread HIV in the developing world than any other thing, and whose contempt for women and their bodily autonomy is breathtaking.

zzzzz · 02/12/2014 11:42

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LilyPapps · 02/12/2014 11:50

That's pretty disingenuous, Zzz - it requires training, care, and an old-school sexist assumption that a woman is prepared to devote time and energy to monitoring her temperature and scrutinising her cervical mucus. And it is certainly pseudo-contraception in that it relies on periods of abstinence, rather than preventing conception whenever sex takes place.

But then, if you see the Catholic church's entrenched misogyny or its continued attempts to prevent the use of condoms in the developing world as defensible, I suspect your worldview is essentially medieval.

zzzzz · 02/12/2014 11:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewNamePlease · 02/12/2014 12:45

Sorry but I think you are being ridiculous thinking of having a baby with someone you wouldn't consider marrying in case you divorce. You don't want to risk your money but you would risk a child?

It's obvious YOU want another baby and he isn't that bothered.

Windywenceslas · 02/12/2014 12:48

The Catholic Church's refusal to state that using condoms is ok has hugely contributed to the spread of HIV and AIDS, particularly in Africa, where alternative education isn't always so widely available. Their insistence that condoms won't prevent the spread of HIV is offensive. People are dying.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/12/2014 12:55

At best he is completely ambivalent.

You however seem to want to talk yourself into believing that if you get pregnant this will change and it will all be great. It probably won't.

He doesn't want a baby - whether by that he means yet... With you... Or at all... He doesn't wants baby.

zzzzz · 02/12/2014 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windywenceslas · 02/12/2014 13:27

Only after nearly 20 years of people dying. The insistence that condoms are still morally objectionable in other cases means that two people who believe themselves to be free of HIV will not use condoms. Once they find out one has HIV it's a bit late for the other one.

I'm sorry, I don't think the Catholic Church is evil, I'm sure they do plenty of good, but in this case, they handled it poorly. Anyway, that's not the point of this thread.

WillkommenBienvenue · 02/12/2014 13:32

If you want to have his child, tell him that. if you don't you should also tell him. You are expecting him to make the decision and that's wrong. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to have a vasectomy either. As you are 39 it's going to be a big pressure for all of you so you need to be absolutely sure that it's what you really want before you go any further.

WaltzingWithBares · 02/12/2014 13:33

OP, I remember your other threads. You always seem to be trying to second-guess him - 'will he ever move in', 'will he have children with me' etc etc.

Do you live together yet? I seem to remember some palava about that ...

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 13:45

I've just advanced searched you.

He's not living with you, and he's out for what he can get. Cocklodger springs to mind. He has had years to commit to you and he hasn't. He isn't as emotionally invested in the relationship as you are.

CheersMedea · 02/12/2014 14:09

no man should have sex without a condom if they are not ready to accept father wood.

Q: Is that an unprotected erection I see?
A: No, it's father wood.

[sorry] [sorry] [sorry]

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/12/2014 14:12

Seen your other threads.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT TO THIS MAN!