I will lose him either way......?

[busybee123]

I am a city girl born and bred. I moved into the little village my husband was brought up in when we got married. We now have 3 children together. The trouble is, where we live is starting to come between me and my hubby. I hate it here but have kept my mouth shut about it for 6 years now, but its all come to light now and it's come to the point that if I stay here much longer we will end up splitting up because I am so miserable here. However if I move back to the city, hubby won't come with me cos he will hate it cos he is a country bumpkin, so I will lose him anyway. I love him dearly and don't want to be without him but I can't see it ending up any other way. What am I to do? I will be miserable either way. HELP!!

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basically he doesn't want to move ANYWHERE away from his family even though I sacrificed mine for him. I now live 100 miles away from them. I miss the activity of city life. most of all i miss my family. i have no friends round here either.

Where is your nearest town? I live in a city centre but it's 20 mins to the moors and 10 mins to the sea. (can see the sea and the moors).

However it sounds as if in your case it has more to do with your lack of family. It is a tricky one - dh moved down to be near my family (his are now between 8 and 12 hours away) It was very much his choice though- we needed more support and it was fairly obvious we would get more from mine than his.

Can you see a way of making friends where you are. Joining something? The old classic evening classes.

busybee
you have your family with you in your husband and children. It seems to me that you are lonely. That is the root of your misery and your hatred of the countryside. You need to act now and make friends by whatever means necessary. Do you work? Do you go to any mother and toddler groups? It is no use to your children or to yourself or your dh if you are miserable. I think you will find a way round this - talking about it on here is a definate sign that you want help and are prepared to listen and compromise. Don't throw it all away for something that will have changed since you were last there. I think we all have this longing for a life that once was and a part of us that has died as we grow older and have families. Try and focus on what you have and how you can make it better. Are your children better growing up in the country, for example? Are they happy? I can feel for you on this one - but please try and concentrate on the positives and moving forward together. {{{}}}

BB I really understand what you are feeling as I'm in a very similar situation, the diference is that my family is on the other side of the Atlantic so I very seldomly see them. And yep, because of the differences in language I couldn't continue with my career here.

Sometimes I hate him for this, for allowing that so much frustration has built up inside me without him suggesting to move, but, on the other hand, I realise that after 6 years here "my world" has changed a lot, and the city that I used to love is not the same, the friends have moved on and if I returned to that it wouldn't be the same as it was few years ago.
I have also changed and many things that before were "normal" I can't stand them anymore, and starting again on my own, well, I don't know if want to go into it... after all we have a very good marriage and I doubt I will find somebody elso who can have such nice conversations with me. So, it's a bit of a compromise, I will suggest you find something to do that keep you busy but most importantly to make you happy. I fantasise with the idea of having a day for myself (and by myself) at London once a month so I don't feel so traped in this little town.

Hope it helps...

BB I also left the city where I was born & brought up to live in the market town where DH is from & I can really empathise with you. I had bad bad homesickness for about 16 years & found I could cope by going "home" every so often for a fix! (made it worse that the rest of my family has gradually left my home city so there's no actual "home" to go to).

What finally cured it, as Chandra & Helsbels have said was going back to find so much changed that it wasn't the place I'd grown up in anymore, and the realisation that if I went back it wouldn't be the same. What I was pining for was my old life there, not the actual place.

I left my friends, my family, my work, my social life & my activities (am dram) to move to this grotty horrible place with no facilities (we were without a cinema for 5 years!) stuck on top of the in-laws who wouldn't leave us alone for 5 minutes! I knew no-one at all & was really lonely.

20 years on I still hate this place but DS1 says I know everyone ("how do you know them?!", we rarely see the inlaws (although I'll admit I do resent the fact that DH can nip down & see them in the week whenever he wants, while trying to see my mum involves some major organisation & a 3+ hour drive), & although I wouldn't say I'm actively happy, I'm not UNhappy IYKWIM.

I've found other things to fill the void, including a belated return to the stage, plus mumsnet, so it's not all bad. I don't have an answer for you BB except to hang on in there.

BB, I'm a total Londoner and have been lucky to marry a Londoner too, we shiver at the thought of the suburbs (although we both grew up there) so I can sympathise as I don't think I'd like to make such a move and would also feel resentful.
However, my point is, is grew up with a mother who has always hankered for the place she grew up. She has never missed an opportunity to tell people that is wehre she is from within 10 seconds of meeting them, it is the most important thing to her, it seems to define her. What happened, of course, is that the place totally changed and was no longer her home at all within about 10 years, she is nostalgic for some corny idea of what the place is like, not the reality. But my real point is that it has always overshadowed the lives of me and my sisters, we were made to feel that where WE are from and where our father is from is inferior (although she's lived here for a lot longer than she lived there as she's been here since the early 1950s!) and when we were younger we all had a bit of an ID crisis due to being made to feel very uncomfortable about appreciating the place that is, after all, our home. She has really spoilt our enjoyment of the part of our heritage that is from the place she grew up. It has made us actively want that place to lose at football matches etc, we take the piss out of the place and the people and we are sooooo bored with her constant wittering about the bloody place! Inspite of all this, we still love the place and our relatives from there but we don't think its better than where we are from, just different and not OUR home. My plea to you is, don't kid yourself that this other place actually IS better or, even if it is, don't let your nostalgia make you unsettled and create mixed feelings in your children about who they are and where they're from. Sorry this sounds a bit heavy but me and my sisters all really resent our mother's behaviour and still hold it against her.

well things are still the same and we are getting nowhere. i really don't want to call it a day but what else am i to do? i just cannot see a compromise. has anyone else been in a similar situation. i wish i was easy to decide one way or another

Sorry but are you really considering leaving your dh because of this? Is it really a reson to put 3 kids through this because you dont like the area you live in. At least wait until they are grownup rather than destroyingtheir lives for this reason. If you were unhaoppy in the marriage fair enough but is this worth taking your kids away for or do you intend to leave them with dh.
Sorry but doesnt seem a reason to break up a family for. Try to make more of the area you live in.

Would just moving further away form the inlaws help?
Read some of the thread on here about marriages breaking up, and the heartache for the kids.
You can change the way you feel gradually by chnaging your attitude to it.
I'm sorry if I come across as hard but reading about Spooks Ds's heartbreak about his Father leaving.....

hercules....do you really think i WANT this!?!?!? why are you presuming its all my doing?!? i don't want to break my family up. if we move ANYWHERE dh will leave me so how is THAT fair.....thinks its fair for the kids to have a miserable mother and father??

Can't you make friends? What about other mothers at your kid's schools? Does your husband have any idea you want to move away so badly? What does he say when you say you are so desperate you are thinking of leaving him? Why is a compromise not possible? Surely you must live near some bigger towns which are still close to his family? I just don't believe there are many situations where you have no choice at all - and this doesn't sound like one of them. What about Twiglett's ideas?

Have you had a really honest conversation with your husband about this or are you assuming this is what he will do?

i think some of you might be being a little harsh and lacking in empathy toards busybee - as someone who grew up in the sticks and by the age of 16 was on the verge of a nervous breakdown as a reult I don't think anyone can underestimate how the environment you live in can seriously affect your emotional well-being - you wouldn't be telling her to pull herself together if she was desperately unhappy due to living on some crack infested estate would you?
Living in small villages can be claustraphobic and emotionally sapping.
Busybee - what does your dh say in reaction to your feelinsg about where you live? You've compromised your happiness for so long now - why is it so impossible for him to consider giving soemthing back if it means saving the marriage and keeping the family together?

Isn't there any sort of compromise, for example the county town? Your DH would still be in the same area as his family but you might feel less suffocated. As you are so desperately unhapy surely your DH would consider some sort of move?

Busybee, I have the same problem, in reverse. I was brought up in the country and hate the suburban estate we now live on. We moved here as a temporary step, promising a maximum of 5 years before moving on, but other things have happened and I don't think now we'll ever get back to rural living. I hate the fact that a bus passes our house every 15 minutes, I hate the busy-ness, I hate the fact that there is no sense of community from the people with whom I have to live cheek-by-jowl.

Apart from living away from your family (which I understand) what do you hate so much about the countryside? Do you have any local friends at all? Have you tried to get involved with childrens school or nursery groups?

I agree with HelsBels, it does sound like lonliness that's getting to you.

Marriage is about compromise and from reading your post you have compromised by moving to the country. Maybe have a heart to heart with your dh and see if he could budge, he may not realise how unhappy you are. You say in your post 'you have kept your mouth shut about it for 6 years' try telling him (without making demands/ultimatums if poss) how you feel.

I moved near my inlaws about 2 years ago and at first hated the area with a passion but forced myself to go to baby groups/parks etc and gradually I am beginning to turn. I only moved about an hours drive from my original area though (but I don't drive, would be 2 hours and 2 buses) so not quite the same situ as you but I missed my friends and the shops and bars, little things really.

Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of both, you may surprise yourself at how much you do like your area, I did.

Good luck xxxx

i have discussed it with him...much as i am desperately unhappy away from my family, he would be away from his and will NOT compromise this. I have tried mother and baby groups, and even started an a-level at home......i was pushed out of the mother and baby groups by the mothers who frowned upon mothers under the age of 25 (i think i am the only one around here under that age anyway). I have no friends at all...no family apart from hubby and kids. I got thrown off my course as well, even though i was told i could take time out to have my 3rd baby. I wasn't keeping up with the workload anyway(with 3 kids under 4 and a half...hardly suprising!!) but at the same time its the only thing i had for 'me' as everything i do is always for the house, kids or dh. Oh God I am so desperately unhappy.....I could end it all today

Do you have a car? Would you be able to take part in mumsnet meetups? At least here on mumnet you can make virtual friends which makes such a difference to a lot of people out there. It might be the difference between losing it and making it through another day intact.
You don't say very muich about where you've moved from - ie how far away you've moved, whether yuo still have contact with your "old life" - family, friends.
Were you not gettign enough support with child care from dh to get through your A Levels? Coudl you not go to a community college in the nearest town to start another part time course in whatever might interest you? Go you yoga once a week, swimming, etc - i guess that it all so dependent on whether you have access to decent public transport or a car.

Busybee123, I noticed from another thread that you have three very young children including a small baby, and that's a hell of a lot to deal with. I also wondered if you might be suffering from depression and a visit to your GP might be a good idea right now. There's really no shame in it.

Also, are you sure you were 'pushed' out of your M&T groups? Or do you think that you thought they disapproved of you? Did anyone actually say anything nasty to you? Do your kids go to school/nursery? What did your husband actually say when you told him you were this depressed? Do his family help you? Do you ask for help?

Whereabouts in the country are you?

valleygirl...i can't drive...have failed that 3 times as well. Public transport isn't too bad but with 3 kids under 4 and a half its a nightmare. I never hear of any mumsnet meet uos in my area anyway, though i do keep looking. I moved 110 miles away from 'home' to be with hubby. I did get the support from dh but there's always something else needs doing with kids...like feeding and cleaning!! and they had to take priority over my course.

agree with aloha that you sound sound like you have your hands full and there is nothing worse than feeling totally isolated.

you definitely need to be sure that your husband understands exactly how you feel.

aloha...yes i really was pushed out...i attempted to talk to lots of people but i was even told to my face that i am too young to know anything. His family are suffocating...always round here not appreciating the fact that we need time together. they have been told but thats as far as it got.