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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I will lose him either way......?

61 replies

busybee123 · 16/04/2004 11:18

I am a city girl born and bred. I moved into the little village my husband was brought up in when we got married. We now have 3 children together. The trouble is, where we live is starting to come between me and my hubby. I hate it here but have kept my mouth shut about it for 6 years now, but its all come to light now and it's come to the point that if I stay here much longer we will end up splitting up because I am so miserable here. However if I move back to the city, hubby won't come with me cos he will hate it cos he is a country bumpkin, so I will lose him anyway. I love him dearly and don't want to be without him but I can't see it ending up any other way. What am I to do? I will be miserable either way. HELP!!

OP posts:
katierocket · 22/04/2004 15:43

on busybee you do sound so fed up.
have you thought about going to the GP?

valleygirl · 22/04/2004 15:53

can't you make use of your in-laws overbearing nature to your advantage - and get them in to look after the kids whilst you go and do somethign for yourself. If you can get away even for an afternoon to do somethign just for you it might make such a difference and stop you from feeling so isolated. and also can't they babysit whilst you and your dh have some time to yourselves - a weekend away or even just a night every other week where you can go to the nearest cinema or indian or whatever.
i really feel for you - even readign what you have to say makes me feel quite panicky on your behalf.

Original poster
busybee123 · 22/04/2004 16:02

ive never been apart from them for more than 5 hours. can't bring myself to do it. (long story)

OP posts:
katierocket · 22/04/2004 16:03

what, any of them busybee?
you must be going mad, everyone needs a break - especially when you have 3 so young.

valleygirl · 22/04/2004 17:11

well 5 hours is more than enough time to get on a bus head into nearest town and go swimming or do a pottery class or do yoga - i read one of your past threads when yuor baby was just 4 weeks and you sounded truely depressed to me. The kind of depression that no matter what anyone says you feel it can never get any better. Perhaps a visit to your GP is not such a bad idea. But of course that is a totally seperate issue to why your husband seems to not understand quite how desperate you are at the moment.

hercules · 22/04/2004 17:19

Very sorry if I came across harsh which I did but I didnt realise just how unhappy you really were.
It just on the surface didnt look as bad but I do take back what I said. Unhappiness is unhappiness.
i dont have 3 children this age. What area do you live in?
When I had ds I was 22 (8years ago) and I joined a thing called meetamum. i'll find a website for it in a mo. It was basically mums meeting in each others houses for support especially for those who were down. It may be worth a try - it saved me and opened up other things for me to do through meeting mums. There were mums of all ages.

hercules · 22/04/2004 17:21

meetamum

I think it is what you need.

crystaltips · 22/04/2004 18:07

Busybee ....
You have been asked a few times where you live and I cannot see an answer .... is there a reason as to why you are not divulging your whereabouts?

I moved from mainland UK to Northern ireland - a huge wrench for me .... but ( as a newly-wed ) I naievly said that I would move to the ends of the earth to be with DH ( not QUITE the same story 15 years on )

I found it really hard .... all DH's mates were from his school and all the girlfriends and wives were thick as thieves. It was a nightmare. I wanted to stay in and let DH go out on his own. Thanksfully he wouldn't hear of it ( bless )

15 years on - I feel settled - but still jokingly call myself an import.
The turning point was when I made friends independently of DH.
Work was a huge help .... have you tried a P/T job .... praps in the local pub .... that way all the locals will get used to your face ( wrinkle-free as you are soooo much younger than them ) - stupid really as you have been there for so long.

You sound like you need time to yourself and time to chill out.

I attempted to enrol in classes ( none of which I have used !! ) but it helped me with my self esteem.

School will be a great help for you too - as hopefully you'll meet with other mums in the same boat ( ie : frazzled and no free time )

I have been lazy and only read your posts really - so I am sure the advise given already is soooo much better and more constructive than mine ....

So what I should say is that I so understand too. I miss my family more than I can imagine - I speak to them at least once a day - whereas DH hasn't clapped eyes on his bloody mother for about 4 months .... it's such a waste and so unfair.
Thinking of you ... and {{{ HUGS {}}}}

tallulah · 22/04/2004 18:34

Busybee, I have been in your shoes!! I have 4 kids 5.5 years apart. When the 3rd one was born the elder 2 were 3.5 & 2. I knew no-one, I was sick & tired of my MIL sticking her oar in all the time & I wanted to go home.

My problems started to go when I went out to work. Of course it may not be possible for you, but I started a part time job when mine were 11 months, almost 3 and 4.5, and that really saved my sanity. (We then had a nother baby a year later!). I have worked ever since.

All the mums in our baby group were a lot older than me (I was also 22 when I had the first one), as were the mums at school. There is usually more than 1 group, & while one was no good, another one might be just what you need.

If you have told your DH how you really feel & he won't budge, well then you may have no choice. BUT if your life is bad now, how much worse is it going to be on your own?

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 08:44

I live in Shropshire. The neareset meetamum group is too difficult for me to get to (buses are rubbish), and its worse as i don't drive. I have tried posting on here to meet other mums in my area but got no reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 10:30

i don't want to go back to work either. i want to be at home with my children

OP posts:
katierocket · 23/04/2004 10:32

busybee - if you don't mind me saying so you sound slightly defensive - everyone is trying to help and tallulah was just saying that, for her, work helped.
do you feel negative about everything? can be a sign of depression

aloha · 23/04/2004 10:44

I honestly think you do sound depressed. I think people really, really want to help, but if you are depressed then nothing will feel helpful to you. I could suggest contacting & joining the NCT, getting part time work, setting up your own meetamum meeting in your home - all sorts of things - but if you are depressed then you will feel negative about everything. Before you take any drastic steps, I really urge you to see your GP and tell him/her that you feel overwhelmingly miserable and lonely and suicidal and would appreciate some help. I have been at mums and toddler's groups and have never heard anyone say anything unkind. Either you were very unlucky or you are extremely sensitive. Either way, please don't let it put you off. The NCT run coffee mornings for new mums, and you could arrange to have one in your home and so help other isolated new mothers in your area - that way not driving doesn't have to be a problem.

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 10:46

not being defensive. just simply saying that at the moment, going to work isn't an option for me. didn't mean it to be funny. sorry.

OP posts:
aloha · 23/04/2004 10:47

And yes, get the inlaws to babysit while you and your dh go to the pub - anywhere. Also, what did you husband actually say when you told him you felt desperate?

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 10:59

his words were...'well we might as well just call it a day then hey?...'

OP posts:
marialuisa · 23/04/2004 11:10

busybee, I spent my teens just over the border in deepest herefordshire and can understand how trapped you must feel. Does your DH work on the land, is that why he wouldn't move to somewhere like Shrewsbury? I know it's not exactly buzzing there but it's got to be better than Craven Arms or wherever? It does seem very strange that he won't even consider leaving the village, presumably he wasn't living there when you met?

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 11:19

yes he was living here when we met. he has lived here all his life. his mum is just around the corner. we can't afford the rents in shrewsbury otherwise we would go there. he works for a company based around here and travel to places like stoke on trent everyday

OP posts:
Penguin2 · 23/04/2004 11:24

I feel so sorry for you, busybee. I moved to a village four years ago when my kids were aged nearly four, two and five weeks. Have since had a fourth! My situation wasn't quite the same as yours as we were nowhere near any family, but it was the fourth home in 18 months so I was pretty isolated and had been without nearby friends for a couple of years. I haven't got a magic answer, but I found things got better when the oldest started school - you become a familiar face to many people and over the months that becomes important. Also, it is quite possible you are depressed (I would be if I were living somewhere I hated and my husband was not prepared to make a small sacrifice for me, let alone post natal depression). I always thought I was immune to PND but looking back, with a five week old baby in a strange place, I was very miserable and vulnerable even though at the time life seemed exciting and fresh.
The only advice I can give is the same as others have done. Get the in-laws to babysit - on a regular basis would be good. You might not want to leave your children, but if you leave them with your in-laws, they will be with people who have their interests at heart. They will have to leave you for school one day and it will do them good to have a break from you, however loving you are to them. I didn't leave my eldest much and he is still insecure and without many friends although he is nearly eight. The others, who were left more, are much more secure.
I find it so hard to imagine your husband can bear to see you this unhappy and not be prepared to do something for you. His comment to you is a bit childish, I think. Sorry, don't want to offend. Best of luck to you.

marialuisa · 23/04/2004 11:25

Right, is there no way you could move somewhere a little bit closer to town (and a little bit further from the ILs)? I know it can be a nightmare trying to find secure rental places round there. Would you qualify for any help with husing costs? I think there's supposed to be a development of low cost housing that you can part buy and part rent somewhere near there soon? Have you tried asking Housing Associations about all this?

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 11:27

yes. we have been on the list for 3 years!!!! no luck so far. we are 'just over the limit' for qualifying for any help....as usual!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

OP posts:
aloha · 23/04/2004 11:29

Do you think you might be depressed. Did you make it clear to your husband how very sad you are. Did you tell him you felt suicidal. He can't just have suggested calling it a day. He must have said something else.

aloha · 23/04/2004 11:30

Also I think driving lessons are important.

Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 11:34

yeah....that he couldn't stay and 'put up' with me being like this... Have tried drigin...failed test 3 times so far!!

OP posts:
Original poster
busybee123 · 23/04/2004 11:34

meant driving...sorry not got glasses on!!!!

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