DH objects to me lending a car to a male friend

[WotchOotErAPolis]

DH & I have a close male friend [lets use the acronym MF] who spends quite a bit of time with us, both together and separately. We are both very fond of him, he's a very nice single [Christian - though I'm not sure why that should matter] guy. He has done us lots of favours over the last few years whilst my DH has been oow, including helping with car breakdowns, giving us discounts on music lessons, fixing bikes and training my YS as a sprinter [quite successfully]. We've known him for 3 years and whilst I used to find him attractive, the relationship is and always has been platonic. Now, whilst I still like him of course, we are more like brother and sister.

He's the kids' [3 sons aged 17,15,12] music teacher and is now as much of a mentor and male role model for them as anything else. I find him very easy to talk to and he seems quite tuned in to female psyche as well as being a bit of a lad when he's out with DH. He often stays for a cuppa and a chat - again with all of us as a family, as well as with DH or me on our own.

Last night, DH was away overnight on business, and MF came over for his regular music lesson with the boys. His car has been on its last legs for weeks now and was making the most awful [and ££ sounding] noise when he arrived. He wasn't even sure he'd get it home. I offered him the loan of one of our two cars [DH went away by train, and I usually cycle into work locally so I don't use my car anyway during the week]. I phoned DH to tell him what I'd done and this did not go down well with DH who felt I'd done MF too many favours recently [he is down to his last penny cent so I hosted the last music workshop he ran - the fact that the only attendees this time round all live within 100 yards of each other and are friends of mine anyway meant that logically it made sense just to host it at mine rather than hire a venue].

Why is it that having done what I thought was actually quite logical, DH has kicked off about not doing him any favours [overlooking the many favours MF has done for us over the years] as he might take advantage and hang on to the car longer than he needs to, or hold his next music event at our house, etc etc. We weren't using the cars anyway!

I think DH thinks I'm having an affair with MF and just doesn't trust me at all. I have given him no cause to suspect I would have an affair as I behave the same with MF when DH is around as I do when I am on my own with MF.

My relationship with MF is closer than some I guess, [I am not a great socialiser and have a very short list of friends] but is the same as e.g. my closest girlfriend, but I wouldn't share intimacies with MF, where I would with my GF. Last night we were chatting about different types of cheeses, FFS and whether or not kids should tuck their shirts in at school!

How do I get DH off my back and reassure him that I'm not up to anything, but just lending him a car for a day or two. He has commitments he must stick to or he will lose even more ££.

Is the fact that he's a bloke the 'elephant in the room' and has anyone else got a close MF that their DH doesn't take issue with?

Is MF married?

I lent my male best mate a hundred quid last year, which is quite a bit of money to me. I mentioned it to DP before I offered, because we mention any intended spend of more than £20 or so to eachother unless it's something utterly necessary like bills or groceries (those just get paid). It might've been politer to mention it before you offered to lend the car out, as a car is a valuable asset to almost anyone.

My friend and I are very close and DP is fine with that. I had the friend before I had the DP (and I've been with DP more than a decade!) and I am not backing off on a really good, solid, positive friendship for anyone. There is nothing inappropriate going on, everyone who matters (me, DP, my friend) knows it, so all is well. I suspect, by the tone of thread, that we are perhaps unusual, though.

i don't think you have done anything wrong in the least.
I have lent my car to several friends in need, male and female

My parents lent a car to a friend "for a couple of weeks" when I was little. They hung onto it for a year, ran it into the ground so that it was essentially a write-off when they'd finished with it, it put my parents in financial shit and it pretty much killed the friendship. So I have baggage that means I'd be very hesitant about lending a car to a friend.

I absolutely would not lend even an old car to someone. And would be cross if DH lent his out without discussing with me first.

Cars are items capable of getting you into a lot of legal hot water - he might not be insured, and even if he is it is highly ilkley to be third party. If he is as skint as you say he wort be able to pay you back if he damages it or writes it off. If he gets a ticket you will have to prove it wasn't you...

Way too many repercussions

And that's leaving aside the friendship issue.

If a wife posted about her husband doing this for a female friend with the situation you have described, everybody would be suggesting she read Not Just Friends, or whatever the Shirley Glass book is called.

I think the last few comments really sum up your attitude towards your Dh. You ask how you can get your Dh off your back , and that's after you've stated that this man is

Round your house a lot when Dh is away
He does diy at your house
Fixes kids bikes
You used to find him attractive
He's a mentor and role model for your kids
Your interested in his problems
Your Dh thinks your having an affair with him

Basically you have more consideration for your friends feelings than you do your husbands. If some women was coming round here being a role model and mentor to my kids , doing the equivalent of diy , Eg decorating , I'd be long gone.

You know your Dh is pissed off and you know why. Instead of dealing with it you continue to let your friend cross the line , and now he's driving around in your Dh car. What a piss take. What next ? Will he be wearing your husbands clothes ? I think you enjoy the fact this friendship makes your Dh uncomfortable and I find when someone states that they are naive that it's rarely the case.

it would appear you have a crush on this friend and it is possible your dh has noticed this crush...

I would probably casually do it and DH would be pissed off too.

Sorry that's not much help!

Listen to him. I think he's probably right.

Wow, I frequently lend my car to a friend if they need, it costs £20 for a week or so on my insurance so they're fuly comp, I wouldn't even think about asking DP and wouldn't expect him to ask me, we are adults who trust each other's judgment.

Might be best to get him on your policy if he's having it a few days op.

You have to remember things like insurance when lending a car to a friend. If he had an accident you and your dh will be paying out. I don't think you have seen it from that point of view.

I think its amazing that the friend accepted the offer. People have offered me cars before and i always say no - its too risky. In the summer DHs friend had bought a sports car that was English side driving (in Europe) and because I'd had the same car for several years, put me under huge pressure to drive him as a passenger. Its legal here to do that but I still drove at 40km ph because its just so risky. Maybe I'm boring...

Yep, I think you should have asked him first absolutely.

If my DP had a friend like this I would want them to cool the friendship tbh.

DH who felt I'd done MF too many favours recently [he is down to his last penny cent so I hosted the last music workshop he ran - the fact that the only attendees this time round all live within 100 yards of each other and are friends of mine anyway meant that logically it made sense just to host it at mine rather than hire a venue]

I think it's telling that you and your friends are his only customers. I think he's a bottom feeder and had latched onto your family to bankroll him in his capacity as 'music teacher'.

I'd say he's well aware you have a crush on him and is playing you like a fiddle, if you'll excuse the musical pun.

Can someone tell me what OP means with YS? I googled and it said it stood for young sluts which doesn't really fit the context of, "training my YS as a sprinter [quite successfully]"

The one thing that struck me about this post is the depth of your friendship after three years.

Friendships in adults generally tend a while to become fully established. All relationships take an investment of time and effort to grow and flourish, and most people relate friendships second to their primary relationships with partner/spouse/DC/family members) while also having to work them round the usual commitments of work and domestic tasks, etc.

You've reached a very intense and involved level of friendship in quite a short space of time. A newish friend becoming a significant role model and mentor to your DC is a big thing (although I think generally it's good to have friends fulfilling that role in addition to parents).

Sometimes friendships, like romantic relationship, develop quickly perfectly naturally because of circumstances. Sometimes someone has an agenda. I have no idea which category you fall into, but if your DH isn't happy about the car, I wonder if he's worried that this male friend of yours has inveigled his way into your lives a little too thoroughly a little too quickly, and the car is simply the catalyst that has made him think along those lines.

I think a long chat with your DH about what exactly is concerning him about this friendship is in order, along with some defined boundaries you both agree on for future reference.

FWIW I have lent cars to friends and it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask permission because it's my car, no one else's. However, I'm not sure the car is the issue here.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange - I think YS here means youngest/younger son.

I think you are crossing boundaries tbh . Your husbands feelings should come before MF .

Very wise words from pounding.

I don't think it's a good idea to lend cars or let other people drive your car. However, if it's your car totally paid for by you then you have the right to make the decision to lend it. As for getting to MF that's impossible to judge.

Did you get a chance to have that chat OP? Hoping all is in the process of being worked through.

I got stuck at you "used to find him attractive". I think you still do or why mention it?

Massively overstepping boundaries.

I'd be very hurt if I was your dh.

My husband and I lend out our cars quite often. I am American and it is not such a big deal to lend a car in the US because of the way people are insured. I was surprised how worked up people got about lending cars when I moved to the UK.

Using your house for an event also not a big deal at all (though of course nice and generous).

Other than this, I agree with Pounding