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Original poster

Husbands emotional affair plus maybe more

56 replies

Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 13:31

Hi,

I'm a longtime lurker but have never posted before so bear with me!! I have been married since July 2013, our son was born this year and I thought we were doing pretty well all things considered with a new baby.

About 6 weeks ago I looked at my husbands work phone - now am not sure what made me except he's very secretive about his phones and deletes all messages and emails etc now on it were messages from 2 numbers, one
Fairly in depth conversation where he called her Hun, said she was his favourite girl etc and made plans to meet....the other was detailing meeting at a houseand saying he'd be there in 15 minutes. I confronted him about it long story short he deleted the thread re the meet up and denied it ever existing and acted innocent with the other and said he hadn't realised the very obvious connotations.

I was so upset that I left with my son that night and moved in with my parents, he professed his innocence and swore blind there was no more info until about a week later when he admitted the other messages on the deleted thread were from the same girl but he hadn't met with her, then the next day gat he had met with her but for 5 mins and nothing had happened.

Still with me?!

He says that this person was a friend of a friend from years ago but we've been together a long time and he's never mentioned her or the friend and he's not someone who ever goes out or ever has. I really don't know what to think, the long and short of it is he obviously tried to hide it well as it was work phone rather than personal phone or iPad which I am more likely to look at, he lied all week then admitted more and I can't shake the feeling there's more too it. I also should have mentioned that on that date that he met here my baby and I were staying at my parents whilst our house was decorated and he left about 9 saying he was tired.

I should also now mention there's been a few odd things over the last few years of random messages from girls, a porn site he was secretive over and made up some lie about it being someone he went to school with. He also recently got caught travelling without a train ticket and had to go to court....I just don't feel like this is the same man I married and if it wasn't for our son I wouldn't be sticking around to be treated like this.

I just really don't know what to do next, currently we are all at home and he obviously wants us to move on but I don't know how I can ever trust him when I can't shake the feeling he's talking to girls online then meeting up with them. It's making me miserable and making me struggle with day to day life.

Thanks for reading all that!!

OP posts:
Windywinston · 27/11/2014 13:39

Your husband is a liar and is only admitting what he needs to to try to win you back. He sounds like he wants to have the wife at home caring for his children and home, whilst also getting his rocks off elsewhere.

If he were truly sorry he wouldn't have tried to gaslight you by denying the thread existed. He's only sorry he got caught.

Why do you want to be married to a man who tells someone else they're "his favourite girl" (also patronising much?)

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but someone can only seek to rebuild trust if they're completely honest about what they've done. Even then, it must be bloody hard.

I suspect this will be a case of if you forgive, he'll just get better at hiding it. It's clear from your OP that you know this isn't just a one off, with random messages from other women in the past.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 27/11/2014 13:41

I was cheated on when I was younger and I knew something was wrong. I'm not saying I knew the details as I obviously didn't- if I had I would have left- but I ignored my gut. That's my advice- if it feels wrong something is wrong. Don't ignore your instinct.

BeCool · 27/11/2014 13:45

Yes he is lying and minimising and you are right not to trust him.

I don't think he is having an 'emotional' affair but a full on sexual affair - it sounds like he could be having sex with different women.

Sorry OP.

Jan45 · 27/11/2014 15:50

Absolute liar, no wonder you can't get past it, you know deep down he's keeping more from you. His behaviour sounds like a typical cheat, just too many coincidences there OP for it not to be what you think it might and by the sounds of it, he's been at it for years. Don't stay for your child's sake, you are entitled to be happy and not have to worry about what your partner is up to behind your back.

Quitelikely · 27/11/2014 15:57

I think deep down you know he has well and truly blown it. The truth hurts and it's going to take a while to admit to yourself.

Unfortunately he's trying to hang onto you and your family because he's a cheating so and so who likes to have his cake and eat it. By that I mean likes to have his family and also likes to have the lust and excitement of cheap sex.

Good luck with your future

ginnycreeper5 · 27/11/2014 16:02

He says that this person was a friend of a friend from years ago but we've been together a long time and he's never mentioned her or the friend and he's not someone who ever goes out or ever has.

A classic case of lying by omission.

In his head, he thinks that by never mentioning her to you in conversation, he hasn't actually lied to you about anything in his past.
As long as he doesn't tell out and out lies, then he's not doing anything wrong.
'Best to not mention her at all. It's safer.

A lot of men do this when it comes to work mates and their day at work. They will happily tell you how they often chat at work with Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, but never mention how they sometimes also hang around the water cooler or sit and have coffee with Lisa, Laura and Lara. Hmm
(obviously some women do this as well)

And it's not as if they're lying about anything, they are just NOT mentioning them.

Lying by omission

InfinitySeven · 27/11/2014 16:06

Favourite girl sounds like something you'd say to a prostitute... Oh, you're my favourite. I mean, otherwise, it's patronising as hell.

I'd be interested to know if he met her on a local escorts site. That's where my money would be.

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 27/11/2014 16:28

Do you know for certain that he had to go to court about a train ticket? I thought they just gave you a fine?

Did you see any paper work with clear reasons why?

itwillgetbettersoon · 27/11/2014 16:31

I agree with the other posters to go with your gut. I can rember asking my STBXH on xmAs day whether he was having an affair. I had no evidence at all but my gut was telling me his behaviour was odd. I then moved on with life. Two mths later he admitted he was having an affair and was moving out to live with her. Trust your instincts - he is lying.

Drumdrum60 · 27/11/2014 16:48

Sounds to me like he's seeing escorts. Is there any way you can check bank statements and check cash withdrawals especially for that date in question. If the evidence is there you need to check past history as could have been going on years.

He's trying to shut you up because he's terrified of you knowing the truth.
And the implications for him not you.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 17:54

Thank you all for your responses...they've kind of confirmed what I feel. He definitely had to go to court re train ticket as he deliberately evaded them, he didn't tell me about it initially though and tried to intercept the post....

I can't really access his personal accounts though but my gut feeling was that he was taking to and meeting girls online, to be honest if we didn't have a 7 month and baby and the house i wouldn't even have considered the second chance.

I just wish he would finally be honest with me, I do definitely feel like he thinks if he just gets back to normal I'll drop it and we can move on.

OP posts:
CariadsDarling · 27/11/2014 18:09

Greensiren - that would be move on to the next time.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 27/11/2014 18:23

The poster upthread that said the reference to 'my favourite girl' being a prostitute is the most likely scenario in my view. It's a strange choice of words otherwise.

For your long term happiness I think you have to move past the not wanting to end the marriage for the DC. I can only speak for myself but I would never really be able to forget this or move on. It would hang over my marriage and ruin it and make me too unhappy to be tolerable. Let him go to his favourite girl and be happy without having this hanging over you. My main reason for saying this is you have only been married five minutes and I suspect he is starting as he means to go on.

CariadsDarling · 27/11/2014 18:29

I disagree, I think she knows he's married and he's buttering her up by telling her 'you're my favourite out of the two you'.

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/11/2014 18:30

Hi op

Sorry I second the fave girl being a call girl, time to book an STI check just in case. Thanks

Windywinston · 27/11/2014 19:40

I think it's a bit of a leap to think that that one phrase means she's a call girl, we don't know how this man speaks generally, but it is a patronising way to speak to a grown woman.

NeitherHereOrThere · 27/11/2014 20:00

Agree it sounds like he is seeing escorts.

Are you sure the court was for the train ticket - did you see any papers related to it? I wonder if he got caught kerb crawling or similar? Otherwise why lie about it.

Its up to him to prove his innocence by allowing you access to his phone, bank accounts etc.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 20:10

I definitely saw the court papers but feel that's all part of this fantasy life....his double life? That's not what a professional, responsible father does. He swears there's nothing more than he's told me and at no part was it sexual but my gut instinct is its a lie. There's been possible warnig signs along the way that perhaps I've ignored - the most horrific time for me was him agreeing to trying for the baby, and hen upon finding out I was pregnant he snapped and said he didn't want it, I had blackmailed him into it etc and basically to abort it, was really really hard.

I just wish I knew what was going on, he says he doesn't know why he's lied all these times which makes it all the more irritating.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 27/11/2014 20:23

Oh no! What a terrible thing to say. He is telling you who he is. Listen. He is an irresponsible and entitled liar. Could you say that to anyone? There's your answer.

Drumdrum60 · 27/11/2014 20:26

Maybe they weren't the same woman but two different ones but he is making it up to look like a real person instead of escorts. Anyway you need to find out and I don't think he will tell you.

Drumdrum60 · 27/11/2014 20:28

Was it the same number. Did you keep it or write it down.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 20:29

That's what I think as his story his not at all plausible re old random friend etc especially the thread he deleted which was there most incriminating.

I don't know anything about escorts and whether it's likely or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 20:30

It was 2 different numbers and no I didn't make a note of then, I panicked and was so angry, in hindsight I would have taken more care....obviously he has now deleted them.

OP posts:
Windywinston · 27/11/2014 20:33

2 different numbers are likely to be 2 different women. Listen, the most obvious explanation is the most likely.

Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 11:45

How are you?

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