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Original poster

Husbands emotional affair plus maybe more

56 replies

Greensiren2014 · 27/11/2014 13:31

Hi,

I'm a longtime lurker but have never posted before so bear with me!! I have been married since July 2013, our son was born this year and I thought we were doing pretty well all things considered with a new baby.

About 6 weeks ago I looked at my husbands work phone - now am not sure what made me except he's very secretive about his phones and deletes all messages and emails etc now on it were messages from 2 numbers, one
Fairly in depth conversation where he called her Hun, said she was his favourite girl etc and made plans to meet....the other was detailing meeting at a houseand saying he'd be there in 15 minutes. I confronted him about it long story short he deleted the thread re the meet up and denied it ever existing and acted innocent with the other and said he hadn't realised the very obvious connotations.

I was so upset that I left with my son that night and moved in with my parents, he professed his innocence and swore blind there was no more info until about a week later when he admitted the other messages on the deleted thread were from the same girl but he hadn't met with her, then the next day gat he had met with her but for 5 mins and nothing had happened.

Still with me?!

He says that this person was a friend of a friend from years ago but we've been together a long time and he's never mentioned her or the friend and he's not someone who ever goes out or ever has. I really don't know what to think, the long and short of it is he obviously tried to hide it well as it was work phone rather than personal phone or iPad which I am more likely to look at, he lied all week then admitted more and I can't shake the feeling there's more too it. I also should have mentioned that on that date that he met here my baby and I were staying at my parents whilst our house was decorated and he left about 9 saying he was tired.

I should also now mention there's been a few odd things over the last few years of random messages from girls, a porn site he was secretive over and made up some lie about it being someone he went to school with. He also recently got caught travelling without a train ticket and had to go to court....I just don't feel like this is the same man I married and if it wasn't for our son I wouldn't be sticking around to be treated like this.

I just really don't know what to do next, currently we are all at home and he obviously wants us to move on but I don't know how I can ever trust him when I can't shake the feeling he's talking to girls online then meeting up with them. It's making me miserable and making me struggle with day to day life.

Thanks for reading all that!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 29/11/2014 12:02

Not good, I've moved back to my parents to get some space and try and think things through. He's not only completely denying everything now but is also very self absorbed and concerned that he can't deal with this situation etc no concern for us!

I need to get some kind of legal advice I think as my primary concern is for my baby. Thank you for asking!

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 12:24

Good move. He sounds very immature and selfish. Glad you've taken control of the situation. You are looking after you and your baby first it's the only way! Keep posting for advice.
Legal advice. Someone will know more than me but you could go to your local Citizens Advice or get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor.
Hope you manage to clear your head a bit this weekend.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 29/11/2014 14:43

Thanks, I was thinking of giving the cab a ring on Monday. My heads a mess, I just still can't believe he's done this to us! Immature is 100% right and living in a fantasy world I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 29/11/2014 16:41

Bumping for further advice

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 16:47

In order for you to get your head round things I would say go as non contact as you can. It is up to him to sort his mess out not you. Luckily you have parents who love you who you can stay with until you know what to do.
He has been completely disrespectful idiot and that's his problem.

I found similar stuff and he said the same thing when I found out I was pregnant. Incomprehensible stuff to a normal loving woman. Later found out to be emotionally immature about the level of a young teenager when he was in therapy. Meaning he has to grow up and fix himself because no one else can.

Tinks42 · 29/11/2014 16:54

He's a serial cheat that will never change his spots. Neither will he ever tell you the truth, people like this don't. It's up to you what you do about it. Stay and have a life of misery or get rid of him.

CariadsDarling · 29/11/2014 16:56

I dont want to go into my personal story here but my advice to you is to wake up tomorrow morning and start the rest of your life as you mean to go on. It will be hard, very hard, but you will be much bette off without this man, and I echo those who have said to go no contact.

Mrscaindingle · 29/11/2014 17:02

This sounds very very hard with a young baby but it really does seem as though you are well out of it now rather than waste precious years with a liar and worrying about what he is up to.

When someone lies the trust has gone and without trust you have nothing really.

Most solicitors will give you half an hours free advice and then you can find the one you feel will be most helpful. It will also make you feel a little more in control of the situation. I would also second having as little contact as possible to try and clear your head about what you want for yourself and the future.

Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 17:12

He isn't the man you thought you married is he? That was only part of him. Let him go then he can do porn and meet up with whatever low life's he wants.
Stick to your own set of values and you will be fine. Don't let him give you anymore BS and don't stay with him for the baby. Your lovely Ds deserves more than this.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 17:29

I just don't feel like this is the same man I married and if it wasn't for our son I wouldn't be sticking around to be treated like this.

Please don't consider subjecting your son to the example of a fucked up relationship like this, and don't use the excuse of his existence to rationalise staying

Your husband is a proven secretive liar. That's all you need to know

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 29/11/2014 19:33

Thank you for the advice, I should mention when it comes to my son the issue is custody....I don't feel like my son would be safe in my father in laws house (drugs about, smoking in the house) - it's just not an environment I want him in. I hate the thought of not being with him the whole time but know this is not a reason to stay with 'd' h....will look into legal advice now. Thank you all for your kind responses!

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 20:10

I agree with your concerns. Babies need their mums 24/7 but I wouldn't worry about that yet. You are the one in control here about your ds.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 21:30

If your reason for staying is that you don't trust the safety of your son in the care of his father, that surely tells you all you need to know

Get some RL professional advice, and find a way to get away from this man

notespeller · 30/11/2014 05:15

when I had a baby my DH did very similar stuff and for complicated reasons I didn't leave and he still does all the same sort of stuff now ten years on. I don't care anymore and wish i'd left back then don't make my mistake.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 30/11/2014 16:51

It's the safety of the places my son might stay while not with me thats my concern however am hoping to speak to some solicitors this week and get advice. I've also asked him to move out by next weekend so we can move back, which he's not been forthcoming about but hopefully he will man up and do it.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 30/11/2014 20:19

As I said don't worry about that yet. Glad you've asked him to move out. You sound like you know what you're doing.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 30/11/2014 20:45

Glad I sound like I know what I doing....feeling a little like I'm floundering!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/11/2014 20:54

Fake it 'til you make it, love

Drumdrum60 · 30/11/2014 21:44

You're not floundering! You've had a massive shock. Don't expect too much of yourself. It's so hard but you can manage. Better than sweeping it under the carpet. I think you are being really strong.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 30/11/2014 21:55

Thanks - you've all been really kind; especially Drumdrum. Definitely having a crisis of confidence tonight and feeling very lonely, wondering whether all this is the right thing to do!

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 30/11/2014 22:21

You don't have to decide anything yet. Just clear your head then you'll know what's right for you and your baby. Take it a day at a time. Give yourself time and space but don't do any drama with dh he's not worth it and is still stuck in his fantasy world.

Drumdrum60 · 30/11/2014 22:23

Get through tonight and you will feel more in charge in the morning.

Original poster
Greensiren2014 · 23/03/2015 14:16

I don't even know why I'm posting again because nothing is any different except we're 4 months down the line with no progress. My son and I are still living in the house, which he pays the majority of the mortgage for, I'm still driving his car and yet we're not together. For some reason I'm unable to make a decision to either try and forgive him and move on from it or to leave him and make it a permanent separation (sell the house, get my own car etc).

It's getting harder rather than easier, but I'm not even sure if I love him anymore - I feel indifferent towards him at the moment, can love ever redevelop? But then I don't believe everything he's telling me even now so maybe in answering my own questions. I've always been an anxious person but it's spiralling out of control and this isn't helped by living on my own and I'm lucky that j can live with parents if we need to....but there's something stopping me doing this as well and we're just in a permanent state of nothing or limbo and I'm really confused what's be best thing for my son and I to do. I've got a place at uni for September so this could be my chance to change our future but there's something stopping me....I just feel awful at the moment!

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 23/03/2015 14:29

Do you need to sell the house? Could you not just stay there till youngest is 18? Get some legal advice about your options. 'Favourite girl' sounds like someone known for sleeping around with hookers so I hope your sti check went ok. You know you can do so so so much better. You don't have to make any final decisions until you are well and truly ready xxx

Skiptonlass · 23/03/2015 14:35

Investigate the court appearance. It's very rare to be dragged before the beak for evading one train ticket and aren't court records public? ( legal people? Are they? )

There are lots of red flags here. Listen to your gut.

Protect yourself sexually as well, get a checkup at the std clinic and use condoms if you're sleeping with him.