overbearing parents

[22ann]

Does anyone else have the same problem with an overbearing mother & father in law?
my mother & father in law when they come round they just want to take over, my husband & I let them entertain our son and make a fuss of him but they won't let us have 30 seconds with him without trying to distract him. I know feel that they will want to take over and feed our son too (he's 8months old) They are both retired teachers which doesn't help!

How often do they come round, and how long for? Could you bear to just let them get on with it? Do they change his nappies as well?

why don't you make the most of it and go out for the day - just you and DH?
I got to this point with the ILs so that's what we do now (or sometimes I let Dh get on with it as well and I go out on my own )

www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_stories_archive_calendar_2006.htm

Cant do links sorry (can some one do one for me please ) ? Try this site for a moan you will get lots of sympathy and advice . (its a mother in law site )

www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law

link

Sympathies, 22ann, it's not easy. Is your little one their only grandchild? As the others have said, can you turn this to your advantage and go out when they're there?

Thanks tribpot

Happy to oblige ma'am

Thanks for your messages, we've asked them to babysit once while we went shopping for a few hours but i missed my son terribly, to top it all got a teacher's response when i got back like it was my son's first day at school!

they usually come over every 3 weeks to see their only grandchild. (only grandchild on both sides!)When they came over last, they had played and entertained him for an hour & my mil said to my son are you coming back over here after i had changed his nappy & i ignored her and said to my son we were just going to get his coat (we'd decided to go for a walk before tea)i just wish they could be a little bit more easygoing & except us as a family not just my grandchild.

TBH every 3 weeks doesn't sound that bad and playing devils advocate I quiz my mum/DH about exactly what DS did every second when I was away so I would quite like a report when I came back of what he had done.It sounds as if they really love your DS and are expressing that in the only way they know.

How was your relationship with them before ? Do you think you would feel the same if it was your parents acting in this way ? I think it must be hard for parents-in-law because I was thinking way into the future when hopefully DS has children but then I realised that I would be granny in law which isn't quite as good as I don't think there is the same easy relationship there.

I have to say that in your situation I would be inclined to just let them get on with it. It really doesn't seem to me to be particularly interfering. Of course he's your son and you feel possessive about him, but you lose nothing buy letting his gp have some time with him. He will not love you less for loving them. Let them have the joy of fussing over him and being proud of him. Try to find some pleasure in their reports on him - they probably feel that they are sharing with you the joy a few hours with him have given them.

When I described to my father how my FIL had been distracting ds (also the first gc on both sides) while I was trying to feed him, and how I had asked him to wait until after the meal before playing with him, my father gave me such a telling-off. My family do not like my ILs (long, irrelevant story) but even they insisted that I treat my ILs with respect, what do a few mucked-up meals matter compared to the important grandchild-grandparent relationship? Not to mention a peaceful relationship between the ILs and me.

I truly do not think that your situation is worth getting upset about. Distance yourself from it, accept their love of your ds and their involvement.

My parents are very overbeaing, tbh your ILs don't sound too bad.

It gets easier as your lo gets older. Once feeding and nap times aren't as critical, once you relax a bit and get more confident in yourself, once you get a bit more grateful for a break, once your lo is old enough to scramble of Grandad's lap and come to you for a Mummy cuddle it gets much much easier!

Mmm.

How would you feel if in 15 years time, your son turned round and said to his friends - "My nanna and grandad weren't allowed to play with me when they came because it disrupted my routine. I only saw them every three weeks, but even when I did mum always had to interfer with my time with them."

Hi 22ann

I sympathise with you, I find my ILs a bit much too - although they are not as overbearing as yours. But my SIL (DH brothers wife) has my MIL round everyday and she just wants to sit with baby on her lap and complains of a bad back if asked to change nappies - iron etc, so I feel really sorry for SIL. Luckily we live about 2 hours away so like you it's about a 3 weekly visit to us.

That said when my DD was born and was 1st GC they came within 24 hours of me giving birth and I ended up cooking the dinner - having not 24 hours before been in labour while they fussed uddled and coo'ed over her in the lounge!

MY DD went back in to hospital a week after her birth with feeding problems (long story). But basically the night she came home (spent 4 days in SCBU)there they were again and there I was again in the kitchen!!

My SIL has since had 2 DD's and is currently the focus of the majority of thier attention. However my 2nd DC is on the way in December, and if it's a boy it will be their first and only GS and I am trying to anticipate how thier attitude will change.

With regards to feeding, we never let anyone else feed DD as we wanted her to be in a routine due to her intital problems and DH and I have already agree apart from me and him and now DD once again no one will feed next baby.

I dont know about you but I can't bring myself to tell MIL and FIl what annoys me about them (as there is mcuh more than I have mentioned here). My SIL does and she still gets daily visits.

So now I just put up with them, or put barriers in their way for certain things so they can't have thier own way. I am very close to another female member of DH's family and I vent all my frustration to her as she knows what they're like. Or I come on MN or complain to friends with equally anoying MIL's.

Thanks for your message redlorry, sometimes you just feel a bit isolated when they come round don't you, i've never really had a good relationship with them, they have been overbearing over many situations in the past (buying a house, getting married, the wedding etc!)I really want to have some calmness when they come & not to feel like iam trying to antisipate their comments. i am looking forward to when my son does jump of his grandparents knee and wants a mummy cuddle like profyaffle said.
i am pleased that my son has grandparents who care about him, i don't interfer when they are giving him a fuss and never not let them play with him but i do feel that they could include me & my husband a little more. Hopefully when my son gets a bit older and maybe another grandchild appears things will get better like you say.thanks for the friendly advice and understanding

I know all about overbearing inlaws. We see them every week, but still my dh insisted last week that we go away with them. Staying in the same chalet as them, having them decide everything about my children, and things really blow up. I'd held my tongue for too long. I was forced into far too close a situation with them. My parenting skills were being undermined, and my mil does not know what's best for my dd and I could see my dd suffering. My dd was exhausted and hysterical, and my mil just kept on shouting at her. I became very angry and now of course I'm the bad guy. THis would have been avoided if we hadn't have had to go away with them. NEVER go on holiday with your inlaws! Be very strong and stand your ground - you're the mum - not them.

I agree - no to hoidays. We went when I was PG with DD and MIL kept patting my tummy eurgh!

Catering was just as bad - when I went awayas a child with my mum, aunt and cousins everyone joined in with the cooking and ate together.

Niavely (sp)thinkning this was normal, DH and I starved most nights because although we had shopped together and we had paid (they paid for the cottage) they ate what they put in the basket and we were left with what we had. And having seen them put in all the dinners I had just bought deserts and scones and clotted cream! Not a filing meal however delicious they are as a treat!

My friends and I think MIL's who have no daughter of thier own are particularly bad.

I can remeber as a child listening to male comedians moaning about thier MIL's. But now as an adult I realise it's actually women who have the crap end of the deal!

I agree with you about holidays and i would never stay over either now that we have a baby. My mil has only sons and as my dh has said they never really stood up to her always doing what she wanted, which is fine until a daughter in law comes on the scene! mil's like mine are not used to having another female around who is independent. my dh says he understands how i feel but is fed up being peacemaker and being stuck in the middle. this naturally angers me, all you can do i suppose is keep telling your dh how you feel and how they make you feel. it does help knowing you can come on this site & have a moan!

Had a really good talk with dh about the whole inlaw and holiday issue, and the fact that our last three holidays have been with the inlaws, and guess what! He suggested that we go on holiday just the four of us! a week next february - I am so happy! My point has been made, and I've been listened to. It makes me feel a whole lot better.

Here's one to make you laugh (or not). My mum died last year - I was very close to her and took it very badly - even though we new it was on the cards as it was a terminal illness.

However my MIL tried to comfort me by saying she would always be there fore me - a nice gesture, but in practice she never wants to listen to me and only relays her experiences.

At the time DH and I were trying for a baby and what with loosing mum and a couple fo miscarriages I was loosing faith. MIL and me took DD for a walk and I thought I'd open up to her about how I was feeling - sisterhood and all that. But she started to talk to me about her and FIL (whispered) s*x life can hardly bring myself to say it!

I tried to tell DH what his mother was sharing with me - not the details just that she was doing it. And I got told that if we wanted another child I was better off not mentioning anything about my conversation like that with her to him!

So there I was left with certain images that I will have to keep to myself forever more

eeuw parents in law having s....(also can't bring myself to say it!

In my case it's worse than thinkning of my own parents, as I know they loved each other, and even though my dad died when i was little there were always pictures of them holding hands and cuddling etc. - but I only ever hear my IL's bicker and have never seen them acting in a romantic or even affectionate way! Can't imagine - no, dont want to imagine them being all touchy feely....eeuuwww

yuk i hope my mil never shares anything like that with me, i suppose she thought that's what some mother's talk about to there daughters.
my mil when ever she has no control over situations, at the mo it's her other son waiting to get a job with the emergency services and her having had to take early retirement, she just talks & talks, which we all do, but she doesn't let you talk it's like she has to be in control of the conversation, like she's in a classroom (she's a retired teacher)i find it really overbearing because generally it's all about her and when she does ask you about yourself you don't feel comfortable talking because you know she's going to take over again and you feel like your ears are bleeding! I try to be understanding but it's like she loves the sound of her own voice. Any tips for dealing with her in this situation?

ear plugs?

good idea!