overbearing parents

[22ann]

Does anyone else have the same problem with an overbearing mother & father in law?
my mother & father in law when they come round they just want to take over, my husband & I let them entertain our son and make a fuss of him but they won't let us have 30 seconds with him without trying to distract him. I know feel that they will want to take over and feed our son too (he's 8months old) They are both retired teachers which doesn't help!

Oh, and re your ds' 1st birthday, go out just the three of you if that's what you want to do - we went to the pub!

We left dd with my parents for a week when dh and I went on honeymoon (she was about 18mo) I can honestly say it was the worst experience of my life! When we got back I was desperate to see dd, obv, but Dad couldn't 'let go' and hand her back to me. He was doing stuff like holding her on his lap and saying 'you don't want to go to Mummy do you?', taking her out of the room to play with her by himself, plucking her out of my arms, turning his back on me when I tried to pick her up out of his arms. I was distraught. mum defended him saying I was jealous and they were only acting like normal grandparents.

At our wedding mum and Dad monopolised dd the whole weekend, neither me and dh nor the ILs got to play with her once. I said to Mum afterwards that it would have been nice if the ILs had got to see dd a little bit more, Mum was outraged at the suggestion, how dare we? couldn't believe the cheek, was shaking with rage at the very idea etc etc

ILs otoh are rather cool, reserved and distant (thankfully, could't cope with 2 sets like mine!) They only live a 45 min drive away and my parents live 250 miles away but IL's don't see any more of dd than my parents do, but of course my parents don't believe that and imagine we're there every weekend.

And it's always my lot who are calling the ILs and trying to arrange to mee, ILs hate the whole idea and are always making excuses. Possibly because my parents are very kissy and huggy (a recent innovation, weren't like that when i was a kid, it's all very odd) and ILs aren't. on one occasion my MIL hid in the kitchen as my parents were leaving to avoid the kisses my Dad merely bellowed 'is she hiding in the kitchen? Come on Doreen, you don't get away that easily, give us a kiss!!' PIL were suitably horrified.

Blimey, sorry for rant but I feel so much lighter now!!

ProfYaffle - if there's one thing worse then going on holiday with my in laws, then it's letting them take my children on holiday without me or going on holiday myself without my children!

oh PYaf thats awful! poor you. thankfully, my parents are very laid back but also dote on dd. mum has been here since monday as dh is away, and bless her, has entertained her unconditionally whilst i've sat on her and done some sorting for moving. bless. as a result dd loves her. she cant bear to tell her off mind, which means dd gets away with alot, not naughty stuff, just things like smearing moisturiser all over herself and my mum and i would have confiscated it after the first squirt, type of thing! il's too have time for dd and are also q laid back but can be quite strict. in a way thats good i guess, as thats life. but she tends to tell her off for things that dont really matter - i guess like the moisturiser thing! she wouldnt have even let her have the top off. dd gets upset by this and doesnt understand. thats what i worry about. her getting upset and wanting me and being unhappy. mil also doesnt understand dd like my mum does.

vanillamilkshake, sorry to hear about your mum and dad.

yes i think we might just go out the three of us when it's ds birthday and invite parents over separately @ the weekend. i feel like mil wants to be able to get my family over for meals i can just about bare seeing them at times without having to endure them if they get invited round @ my parents too, it will be like she's taking over, the thought of them inviting us all over for xmas or other special occasions just fills me with dread! my dh said we could just say we were busy if we were to get invited, i really hope nothing comes of this. mil is very sociable & has loads of friends so i know that she is trying to be friendly but i just find it too much both sets of parents wanting us all to get together, my gps never did it only occasionally when one gp had died @ xmas.
i feel better that others have said about feelings of wanting to be close to ds/dd around 8 months especially round mil.

proyaffle you'd think your parents would of got the message about getting together if your inl kept making excuses, do you think they're being cantankerous (terrible spelling i've got!)

I think my parents have got the message re the IL's. My Dad has been going round telling his friends that IL's are quite nice but have limited social skills! Although, tbh, I think MIL sees herself as 'above' my folks.

I certainly won't be leaving dd with my parents again, we've already got the IL's on standby for looking after dd when I have our 2nd baby next year.

IL's aren't perfect either btw, just a different set of problems1

ProYaffle How awful!

Funnily enough I'm quite laid back about it these days, as I said in my earlier post it does get easier as the Lo's get older. Now when Dad drags dd away to play she quite often comes back to find me and says 'no, Mummy play with me'.

Hope the ILs never find out what Dad's been saying though, that would be a nightmare.

My MIL has ofered to come stay with us in Dec, round my due date. So far we have reufused as we have no room, no bed and dont want her here for unknown time eriod. however am now panicking about letting DD go to hergodmothers as well. I worry she wont undersand why she has to go away. I considering homebirth as one of the benfits is DD can stay in house (on the other level to me - so's not to upset her) and she can see her new sibling as soon as they have arrived.

yikes the thought of mil coming to stay! short visits are fine at this tiring emotional time, some people enjoy people coming in and taking over, our families bought us a bit of shopping and a few homemade meals that was great until my mil bought a 1/2 prepared 3 course meal round for the four of us, she thought she was helping, but in fact i was quite cross, last thing you want is to have to faf about with food especially for guests just so that they can have time with ds on their own, but i suppose nothing suprises you with mil's!
home births are more popular now aren't they, it gives your midwife chance to do what she's trained for, what does your midwife think about them?

I have 2 MW and it was my fav who suggested it. I am strongly considering this, (only if she's the one who comes round, however have to get DH on my side. He's worrying what DD will be doing and I think is a bit worried about the mess too.

Have'nt told MIL yet about my plan - then again not going to as dont give a toss what she thinks!

vm, we are in the same situation. I am already stressing about leaving dd with her gp's when we go into hospital for ds2b. ATM my mum is primed mainly because she knows my routine and does see dd more than the il's (mainly because she and I don't work).
BUT instead of dd going to my parents for the time my mum is coming over to ours. It makes sense really as we have all of dd's toys,comforts here not to mention baby gates, cot,basically every thing she needs each day.

My mw did suggest a home birth but it scares the shit out of me..! . But then again so does either set of parents looking after dd..

Shh, a homebirth scares me when I think of the possible complications, and as I am about 15 minutes from the hospital. But then first PG was textbook so no known reason to worry. Also my MW is very good and she inspires confidence in me, so she would not suggest a HB unless confident of no problems.

And I think it would be nice to have bump at home then get DD to come and meet her new sibling straight away. That way I can also keep the whole world locked out until we are ready as a family to face them....and that means the IL's.

I have seen pictures of them holding my niece after she was born in the hospital - not even smiling, just a trophy picture to say look we're here.

So I have made it clear to DH that I am not having them round for at least 2 days until DD has had lots of time to cuddle and bond (as much as can be expected) with her new sibling. DD's feelings come first, and the same would apply even if I end up having a hospital birth.

Plus I know my IL's and they will throw a present at DD so she's not left out, but spend the rest of thier time cuddling the new one and taking more pictures than a bloddy OK mag wedding! They might try and get one of all of us, which DD will object to as will her washed out mummy and daddy.

Your reasons for a hb would also be mine but I;m to much of a chicken to have one..!!

I to like the idea of everyone staying away untl we are ready but dh wouldn't go for this. He jokes and says "oh I will hve everyone around when you and baby are home"..part of me thinks he's joking, sadly part makes me think he's being serious. Its hard as it's his baby and at times I don't feel like I can stand up for myself and say what I want. I have approached my mum and asked if they can play it by ear with regards to visiting us..she was a little put out but understands. DH hasn't and won't speak to his parents.So I expect they will either be there at the hospital or as soon as I am home..THE LAST THING I NEED. I remember crying after dd was born and mil speaking to me about the baby blues etc. TBH I didn't realy want to open my heart to her. It felt un comfortable. Given whats happened recently it's even harder..

Wish you lots of luck though. xx

I think it's a bit daft to expect parents to put up with any kind of behaviour from grandparents just because they are the child's grandparents.

If 22an isn't happy with the way her in laws are behaving around her and her child (and it is HER child, it is SHE who is the parent and who has responsibility for her child), then she has every right to express her concern.

I too had overbearing MIL who told me she was going to wean my son at 4 months, that breastfeeding beyond a year is 'abnormal', insults my parenting decisions on a regular basis, is obsessive and thinks of nothing else but grandchildren - literally.

I made the mistake of going on holiday with in laws two months after my baby was born. BIG MISTAKE! MIL got it into her head that she was going to be involved in all the parenting decisions.

I too find the constant cooing and OTT fussing around my child very irritating and suffocating. Babies and children need personal space too. I think a bit of balanced, calm and normal behaviour is often the best approach which is just as loving as a frenzied kissing session. Yuck.

I have since distanced myself from MIL because I find her overbearing and interfering. What does she expect? How dare she try to take over! She should show more respect for my role as a parent ESPECIALLY in the beginning when most new mums feel wobbly and unsure of themselves.

22an, you have my sympathy. If there are specific things annoying you, then I suggest you have a few one line statements prepared to say in response to anything you feel is overstepping the mark. They don't have to be rude or abrupt - just firm, confident and assertive but polite.

It will get better. I feel so much better about my in laws situation as my son has got older. I'm not sure why - perhaps it's because I feel that at 18 months he can choose for himself to a certain extent what kind of behaviour he wants around him. If he wants a fuss from gps, then fine. If not, then he can chip off and find some peace without needing me to make sure he still has an oxygen supply available!

As already said MIL only had two boys. I think she missed out on the whole mother/daughter thing, and doesnt understand why myself and SIL had and have such close relationships with our mothers.

Last Christmas she really annoyed me by putting together a Christmas stocking for DD. I know I am probably being a bit ungrateful here. But I feel the whole Santa and magic thing is a parents perk - after all she had her children and had the chance to create the magic with them. DD is our daughter and we will decide how to do the whole thing. In the end I had to say to her straight that I did'nt mind her buying a few bits to go in the stocking, but as for making a second stocking at her house - how do I explain to DD that Santa has also left you one at nannas house?

Totally agree VMS, this is exactly what my parents try to do, always want to get in first and do the special stuff that I think it's mine and dh's job to do. At Xmas I think dd should have one or two 'big' prezzies from me and dh as her main gift and then smaller odds and ends from us and other relatives. Mum and Dad always try to get her the big stuff and I find myself reining in our gifts so dd doesn't get too much stuff. (small house, not enough room) Then I resent Mum and Dad for getting the big gifts.

Really difficult to try and explain without sounding horribley ungrateful.

Yes, MY MIL and another Relative on that side started to clash when MIL became a GP. Basically she wants to be seen as giving the best, where as other relative is just chilled out and seems to have DD's best interests at heart.

This other relative asked if she could by DD a trike one year for Xmas, which we agreed to. However as she did'nt drive IL's took her shopping, When MIL saw what had been bought, without even consulting us she went ahead and bought another ride-on toy. DD was'nt even 2! We ended up with our dining room looking like a parking garage.

Also MIL missed DD's actual b'day this year, but we all met up at a resturant for a nice dinner a few days later. No one from DH's family had sent thier cards or gifts, but had waited until they saw DD on this day. And as soon as anyone arrived they gave DD her present. Except MIL. Who held hers under her chair until all gifts had been unwrapped and admired, played with a bit etc. Then when the food started arriving and DD was about to eat - hey presto here comes another bag of presents! Thank you MIL for preventing DD from eating her dinner that day I just find her so selfish and childlike!

And (God, i'm on one now!) this year we're going to my M&D's for xmas, we have the car packed to the gills with stuff, they don't think about how we're going to get dd's millions of toys in the car for the journey home. Unless, of course, we don't take our gifts for dd with us and save them til we're back home .... dont think we'll be doing that!

It all seems to be about them (ie, my Dad, your MIL) being centre stage and being seen to be the best/most caring/most generous rather than about the lo's iyswim

thank you winkyw, i do say to inl regarding ds's needs, at first due to hormones & lack of sleep they may have been said a little bluntly - when fil shaking ds arm frantikly as i'm giving him a bottle, while he rocking ds in his car seat like he's on an adult swing, wanting to keep him up when he's tired, now i do say things assertively & nicely but i still don't think they like it but like you say my dh & i are the parents not them. iwondered if the reason for them sending that email that they were so upset about was a way of getting back at me because of saying things to them re ds in the past, my husband also says things to them too.
i'll never forget my fil saying when we wanted to hold ds that we had chance to do that after they'd gone, ds was being passed round like a parcel at the time, hv said only to let people hold him when he was awake which gave a bit of control back to us, but i just didn't know what to say to that comment but was shocked & upset, yes we do want them to enjoy their time with ds & play & hold him but that doesn't mean we are n't allowed or made to feel uncomfortable if we want to hold him. other people have said to that inl are better as ds/dd gets older, i just wish they could show more understanding to you like you say being new parents.

22ann,

Now my DD is 3 IL has no interest in her as he can't hold her etc. So he sits and watches telly whenever we/they visit. DD has got quite good at pester power to get him to play, but I just think about how she will feel when new bump arrives and she is ignored all over again.

I have to say MIL is better as DD grows, FIL is worse

22an, it IS upsetting when either your parents or in-laws are clearly not happy with your decisions about parenting. It's upsetting because they often can make comments etc.

I especially hate the passing the baby round like a parcel business. YOu don't need a reason to take or to hold your baby - you're his mum. You can hold him or hug him whenever you want - you don't need to explain yourself.

I used to be bothered and upset by catty comments but now I just tell myself that I am my child's parent, I'm the one who brought him into the world and I make the decisions. Everyone else has to lump it.

I think that's part of being a parent - learning that the decisions you make aren't always going to be popular least of all with your child but it's your life and you've to lead it the way you want it. It may sound selfish but if you spend your time trying to make everyone else happy, then you'll probably end up unhappy too.

The grandparents see your child. It's just that they have to observe a few rules. Simple really.

thanks for your message ww, it is very supportive advice, i've just shown my husband too who agrees.
it was just what i needed to hear, thanks again for your time & understanding.