overbearing parents

[22ann]

Does anyone else have the same problem with an overbearing mother & father in law?
my mother & father in law when they come round they just want to take over, my husband & I let them entertain our son and make a fuss of him but they won't let us have 30 seconds with him without trying to distract him. I know feel that they will want to take over and feed our son too (he's 8months old) They are both retired teachers which doesn't help!

Or metaphorical ear plugs. It's unlikely that your mil will change, (my mil also chats constantly and I don't expect her to change), and I just try and 'switch off', making appropiate noises and nods every now and again - this is a useful thing to be able to do - there are many people in life that just aren't worth listening to!

thanks, will practice more! it's nice to know i'm not alone! you're right they won't change & i do try to accept her for what she is, a blinking pain most of the time!
it most of been an awful time for you last year redlorry, are things a bit better now?

agree with belgo about switching off. She won't even notice. my mil talks nonstop. I can be in the "bathroom" and she will be talking loudly to me from another room. I just not every now and then, smile and agree with everything.

"Mmm.

How would you feel if in 15 years time, your son turned round and said to his friends - "My nanna and grandad weren't allowed to play with me when they came because it disrupted my routine. I only saw them every three weeks, but even when I did mum always had to interfer with my time with them."" FFS I'm sorry but no child is going to remember how things were when they were a baby..!! I can hardly remember what I did yesterday let alone when I was a bay..!

22ann, do't be harsh on yourself. I know how you feel totally. DH & I have now come to accept that both my parents and the il's only visit to see dd. This has been the case since she was born 16 months ago.
We know as they usually check if she will be in/up when they visit and when we put her down for a nap they sod off.! .
What also drives me mad is the fact that I can never have a proper conversation with any of them..they all get to occupied with dd so I give up trying to converse with them. When dd was months old I was speaking to the mil who ignored me and coo'ed with dd. I looked at dh who asked mil if she heard what I was saying.."Oh sorry no I didn't"... .
TBH seeing either set of parents stresses me out and it feels like I have a houseful of kids.

BTW noone has ever fed dd and noone will feed ds2b. Its a moment shared only by dh & I and noone else. My sister forced me into letting her feed dd once and it didn't feel right, she had her lay on her/inbetween her knees holding her head while dd faced her iykwim..it didn't seem natural to me...never happened again.

PrettyCandles' post is excellent, and I heartily agree with what she says.

I wish my MIL would pay dd a little attention ... my daughter adores her, but it's as much as MIL can do to sit with her for ten minutes, let alone spend any amount of time playing with her.

That said, when she was 8 months old I used to get incredibly jealous when she wanted to spend even those ten minutes with her. It passes and eventually you'll feel happier letting them enjoy your son - this "problem" is more about our feelings as new mothers than it is about our PILs.

thanks for your messages, i'm starting to feel a bit more chilled out about it all. my son is 8 months and yes i do feel a bit jealous when people are fussing over him after a while. i think next time we see the inl i won't be so uptight about things. i want to keep feeding times for me & my husband only still.

all seemed ok till dh came home from work to say the inl's had sent an email re when they came over last - they were upset that the clothes they bought for our son we didn't like. i didn't particularly like the bottoms but didn't make this known, the top was nice & we both comented and said it would be nice for the winter, mil said if we didn't like the trousers we could take them back there was no problem she didn't mind.
and they thought we didn't want them to babysit again - when mil asked me if i wanted to go shopping one afternoon that she could babysit, i said no i'm fine thanks & then she quickly said or one evening if you want to go out & i said we'll bare you in mind if we do. the same was said to dh, he said ok thanks. we thought that was fine & was angry with the email that seemed unecessary and would be difficult when we next meet.

Oh my god, I am sorry I have not read all of the comments so forgive me for going off subject a bit but are you me!!!

My dh is the oldest of 2 boys and had no problems with mil until we planned to get married. I think its them feeling threatened by us or something. Things went from bad to worse as so HAD to be the first to see my ds (we lived 2 hours away from them)and after 46 hours in labour and quite a horrific delivery (a very long and bloddy story!!) she came into the recovery room 15mins after I got there, and stayed there the whole 2 hours I was there. I mean she could have waited until I was on the ward for gods sake. They even had to ask her to leave while they cleaned me up!! and guess what she took the 20min old ds with her.!!!!!

Thats just the start and I could go on for hours about what she has done but the worse thing now is she complains weekly to my dh and me that she never sees my ds but when I do go and see her she sits and watches telly letting him run around on his own. I have no problem with this so to speak but don't bloddy moan about not seeing him.

Sorry getting carried away!!! You are not alone and I find that a long moan and B*h about her to my mum, friends and amyone who will listen (except dh who will not have a bad word said against her), works and lets off steam!!!

it is really difficult isn't it, my dh is the eldest of 2 sons aswell.
my dh were talking about the email last night and think that it is her way of getting my husbands attention. she isn't needed in her capacity of mother like she was and has recently retired from teaching. my dh speaks to them regularly twice a week every sun & wed for 3/4hr ish because thats's what they want, he would rather it was just once a week.
my mum had this image of what her role of grandparent was going to be - coming round & ringing up all the time, trying to rule my son & i, when i finally had enough, i asked her to give me some space so i could look after my son during the week. we now see her when we're altogether, which is better and things are ok with her now.
my dh said he thinks his mum has this image of what her role is like her mil - going out shopping together, coming over in the week, he thinks she'd like to go out for drinks too. before we were married she kept asking me if i'd like to go shopping with her while my dh was at the footy, but always found an excuse not to.
we think my dh needs to distance himself from his parents a bit.

Sorry just had to add, both my mil and fil and teachers. They are divorced now which is another issue as she tries to give me advice on our marriage, usually me having to do one thing or another, makes me laugh.

I dread her eventually retiring though as they will have nothing better to do or think about and I can see our situation getting worse.

I think you should think hard about distancing yourselves though as this could lead to more bad feelings. I know one of many moans my mil has is she feels pushed out, god knows why I bend over backwards to make sure she is included as much as I hate to. Its self preservation as is she is not happy she has a go at dh who in turn has a go at me. Sometimes you just have to sit there, bit your lip very hard and think of england!!!

Don't let it be awkward next time you see them though, take the moral high ground and be really nice.

I had pnd as mil was nothing but a cow the whole time. I held in so much anger towards her which as I said I vented to anyone who would listen but have snapped at her a few time which of course has been blown up out of all proportion but each time, the next time I have seen her through gritted teeth I have been really happy to see her and pleasent to her. Which in turn makes her feel stupid for staying in a strop and being off when I walk though the door.

One nil to me. Sorry I know its pathetic to think like that but makes me feel better and if I can have an outlet for my feeling means I can be nice to her face!!!!

my dh spoke to his mother last night after your advice, you were right about distancing yourselves making matters a bit worse.
when we see them next i will rise above their comments. my dh is understanding & is concerned about the effect it is having on me especially after i had to see the doc with reaccuring thrush, i had to have a blood test to test my glucose levels and she said if that comes back clear - which it has then councelling could be the best solution. she was very understanding as she has same problems with mil & family. sometimes i find it very hard to switch off from mil & fil, but coming on this site really has been a great help to me.

22ann,TiggerPooh - guess what, My DH is also the eldest of 2 sons!!

22ann, last year when my mum died and I had a MC I saw a coucellor and it was great I got one hour every 2 weeks to speak to someone totally impartial about all the things that were hugging me - mostly the in-laws, and thier lack of reaction to DH's needs as he tried to support me and look after our daughter, as well as work a physically demanding job while I recovered emotionally and physically.

I was very sad when the sessions ended as I lost my impartial audience - that said I also knew I was ready for them to end as I was starting to waffle during my sessions.

My MIL has a habit of making the whole family revolve round her using emotional blackmail or just plain ignorance and lies! She sees my SIL everyday and when SIL asked her for a bit of space with new baby she went home crying and got FIL to ring up demandning why MIL was upset.

The e-mail your DH received was unfair - but typical of IL behaviour - turning themselves into victims. I would have reminded them of the conversation you had about the trousers and that to go out you need a babysitter and to be a babysitter you need someone to go out!

You really are not alone!

i went through feeling totally inseperable from my dd when she was younger and dreaded the mil visits to the point of feeling physically sick and broke out in a sweat at the mention of her. seriously. i nearly sought professional help. but, this was because dd didnt like her! from birth she screamed with her, wanted me all the time when she could reach out, ran away from her when she could walk, screamed when i left the room etc. if you imagine what this would be like, and you ils still wanted to spend time with him, you might think that you are lucky he is happy with them. i would have loved for it to be the way round it is with you.

also, during the times dd has spent alone with mil, and overnight (oh puke), i get NO reports on how she has been. i spend the night worrying, wanting a phonecall to see if she's settled to sleep ok, i get nothing. i darent ring incase i hear her screaming. then when i finally see mil, i ask her how she was and i get a 'fine'. that's it. so please be thankful that you have doting, caring gps. you are lucky! it will take time for yor anxiety to disappear and it will. its only natural.

x

Hi Spook,

i too felt inseperable from DD when she was little but could not refuse the in-laws a cuddle. However they have never fed her nor have they ever babysat for her for more than an hour.

With DC2 due in Dec, I am feeling like a lioness about my children and if I must I will sit DD (3yr) on one knee and newborn on the other, and bite anyone but DH if they try to touch either of them. I completely feel like I want to say 'these are my children - you have favoured SIL children over them since they were born so dont think now there's another new one you can come creeping back'.

However, back in the real world, I will probably ask them not pick up new DC too much and be careful to pay DD as much attention as her new sibling.

VM I know exactly how you feel..!!! I actually read your post thinking it was me..!!

Both sets of gp's have babysat for dd for an hour or two but thats all. They have never had her alone during the day etc. TBH I don't feel like I want to put myself into that position, I know it would stress me out to much.

I have just had a conversation with dh and I think that in this generation more and more parents of babies are allowing gp's to have the gc for the day or over night, something I never did as a kid and certainly something dh never did until he was at secondary school and even then it was on the odd occasion. GP's nowadays may feel pressure from fellow gp's at work or on the social scene to want to have their gc more..I don't know..?? My mums friends have their gc on a regular basis and I think my parents find it hard the fact that we don't let dd stay with them iykwim.

But you know what..I do what is right for me. I am a pnd suffer and this is a mjor issue for me..gp's wanting regular access to the gc. . I feel that as dd's mum it's my role to be with her 24/7 and I love it.

Sorry, trailing away there......

Your comment "I am feeling like a lioness about my children " is spot on, this is me..!!! I am expecting and ds2b is due in Jan and already I am planning who will look after dd and what the routine will be and also about how things will be once baby arrives..who's visiting, will it be manic with visitors like it was with dd, how will it be with il's, parents etc...One worry after another.. Who knows but it's driving me mad..Thank god, you feel the same..!!

its so hard isnt it. i do feel like i've mainly got over it, for the short term stays. like a day or even a night, although il's have have dd just 3 times in her 2.4 years. my parents, although would be perfectly happy about it, have had her for just a weekend when we went to prague for my birthday. stressful one at that! dh doesnt seem to have a prob with it at all, but then again he doesnt do 100% of the childcare like me! and he works overseas for 1-2 weeks at a time a lot so he's used to it.

the thing is, my mil expected to have dd since the day she was born! they live 50 miles away and she said when she was born, 'i can't wait to nick her for the weekend' i felt sick and that was the start of it for me. especially since dd never took to her.. but she had dh when she was 18 and her parents and dh's dad's parents looked after dh loads. and i mean, prob more than she had him. she just expected the same of us. whereas, i never stayed with my gps except one time when my mum went into hospital. its just not what we do in my family.

I dont know where my MIL gets the idea that I will leave my DC's with her -she does babysit for my SIL, and although I dont have a bad word to say about how my SIl raises her children - I can't do it myself - it does make me sick to think DD would be with them, that far away. Like you Spooky they live over 50 miles away.

But that doesnt stop MIL decorating her spare room in all the themes she knows her GC like. I keep asking DH when we have ever given her any indication that DD will be going to stay without us.

I know when the roles have moved on I hope DD will include me more than I include MIL. However MIL has never cultivated a trusting relationship with me, and she winds DH up quite a bit. The comment about making the right noises during conversations made me laugh. DH asctually holds the phone away from his ear for long periods rolling his eyes at, then when he puts it back again she has'nt even noticed.

The same applies to MIL though. DH's Gp's rely on IL's to bring them to visit us as they dont drive, and MIL hates sharing the visits so every other visits they come by themselves, but normally leave it up to to tell DH's grandparents we've seen or will be seeing them but they;re not included. So when she's old and grey and she;s the Grt GP I will dutifully remind her of the days when she excluded her own IL's from visits to the grandchildren!

do you find its always an issue with the ils never your own parents?

i forgot to say - how could i? that we are moving to singapore in jan for a few years and dh and i have to go to visit and find a place to live at the end of this month. .... for 12 days!!! dd isnt paid for by the company and sense made us decide that it wouldnt be fair to take her all that way just to house hunt. so, gulp, dhs mum and stepdad are having her for the first 6 days and my mum and dad the second half. i feel sick about the whole thing but on the other hand looking forward to a holiday on our own. its the first half i am worried about of course. anyway, they are staying at ours so it won't be so much of a change for her, but i am trying to prepare as much as i can, including frozen meals and lists of instructions. petrified!

god and I thought I was worrying about leaving dd when I went into labour ..!!!

12 days... I'm sure dd will be fine but rather you than me. Like you said before The "sick" feeling is a feeling I know only to well. TBH I am glad to hear that others feel the same as I was starting to think it was just me. Luckily dh feels the same about others looing aftre dd and can't ever see anyone other than gp;'s looking aftre her BUT also doesn't see them looking after her for a long long time if that.

Spook - it's my parents I have an issue with!

I suppose it will be good for your dd so she can see gp before you go, but i do feel for you having to leave her, can't she go with you?
Does anyone else have a m & fil that want to meet up with your parents? last year we managed to avoid all meeting up together, we said we don't see mil that often and we can see my parents anytime as they live close by. but now mil has sent my parents birthday cards saying to give them a call if they'd like to go out etc.both sets of parents had said @ ds christening, yes we'll have to meet up again, my dh & i thought they were just being polite. My dh will quite happily go with the flow but he has said if they want to meet up then that's upto the four of them. i can't bare having both sets of parents around at the same time, obviously christenings are different. i just feel that it is mil trying to organise our lives again.
i spoke to my mum about this lat year & said it is nice to see one set of parents at a time & didn't really want to all meet up together.
i don't know what we'll do for my sons first birthday, in one way we'd quite like to just go out for the day the three of us.

oh yes profyaffle, missed that.

my parents spend a lot of time with my ils when they come to stay. ils are near enough to come for the day, and on occasions like dd's bday and christmas we always end up altogether. they even all came to saudi to see us when we lived there for a while. then we all booked a hols together last year, but ended up cancelling due to bombing (sharm el sheikh). i find it hard altogether and i think both mums do too. dd only wants my mum and it is embarrassing for them both. dh and fathers all bugger off out playing golf and leave us to it, which is horrid.

tbh, quite glad to be moving in a way!

ooh Spook, ggod luck - I am sure your DD will be fine and you will be the emotional wreck. I bet you;re happier about the second half when DD is with your parents than the first...right?

What is so different about my MIL and my mum is that I could talk to my mum about anything and anyone, and whatever I wanted to moan about she was always on my side - she did'nt even try to rationalize. Which is always apprecaited when your having a rant.

Also, no one cuddles you like your mum - she is the only person in the world who knows you well enough to hold you so tight and so close. If you dont understand what I mean think about it next time you hug your children, and whether you put that much love in to a hug for anyone else! I really miss my mum .

My dad died when I was 6 but I remember having immense respect for him and I think being slighlty in awe of him, also being desperate for him to get home each night. Am trying to recreate this with DD, and always say 'daddies home' with lots of excitment, and she runs to let him in. I love it .

Not the always the easiest of childhoods for me, due to loosing dad but I have good memories, and I know mum loved me. From what DH has said (and it's not a subject he likes to discuss) and what SIL can glean from BIL, I dont think they IL's had much afection in the relationship with their son's. Lots of fancy holidays and all the latest toys etc. But smacks with with a stick etc when naughty - a stick may I add that SIL says MIL still has beside her armchair even today. Hmm just realised why I am so anit DD going to stay

22ann, this might be barking up the wrong tree but when my dd1 was 8 mo I hated anyone doing anything for her, even dh. Now I have three and anyone trustworthy helping out with my older two is great, so I can get some time with baby ds. Maybe when ds is a bit bigger your pils helping out will be less of an issue. And at least they are on the ball, my parents looked after our dds when I had ds and allowed dd2 to get so sick she had to be hospitalised.