Paying for a babysitter but husband staying in!

[TortoiseInAShell]

I am SAHM for medical reasons, and use up a lot of my precious savings each week to pay for a half day free from childcare each week.

I do this because DH complains that he is too tired after working full-time, and he looks to me to be there all the time for the kids, but I have MS so get horrible symptoms and desperately fatigued, and need a break once in a while.

I make sure my break is when DH is at work, so it doesn't affect him. But recently he changed his work schedule and was off. He complained all morning about our teething toddler being a "pain in the arse" while we tried to get some Christmas shopping done, but then when the paid help arrived in the afternoon, he chose to stay at home and help the babysitter!

He knows she doesn't need his help; she's a professional and has been working for us for a very long time now. So I ended up paying for my DH and a babysitter to look after DC while I got a rest, when DH could have easily done it by himself and saved me the cash.

For some reason I am hopping mad about it and I can't fully explain why.
I know we should be free to choose our own path and I should probably have just been grateful for the opportunity to have my own break for a few hours, and that I should let him make his own decisions freely. But it peeves me that he complains about looking after them and then chooses to - with someone else! BTW, I don't suspect any foul play there, but it annoys me that I've paid a lot of money for no good reason. I felt a bit betrayed in a funny kind of way and can't really explain why.

Can anyone shed any light on it, from an outside perspective?

How old are your children?

I don't want to jump straight to LTB, but IF you did, he could have them to sleep over one night midweek and bring them back for breakfast, so that you got a good rest and he could have them all day one day at the weekend, too.

You'd probably find you were better off, financially, too.

I cant stand men who find looking after their own children impossible

sorry he sounds a right dick

Ironically I have thought that I'd be better off by myself, less stress for a start! But it's not all about me, there are two children who dote on their dad. The truth is I love the bastard as well, even though I hate his selfishness, if that makes sense.

the 2 kids will grow up seeing how selfish their dad is, how everything needs to be tailored to his needs, see how badly he treats their mum who doesnt keep well, you'll find the doting doesnt last long

My worst fear is that they would try to replicate him

they wont need to try, kids learn by example

Dear god, sorry your 'D'h sounds like such a feckin martyr! Does he expect a medal and a 'good boy' pat on the head to spend time with HIS kids?? Jeez men like this really get on my tits.
Op, what exactly to YOU get out of this relationship??

Your children are not going to dote on their dad once they get old enough to notice how appallingly he's treating you.

"I keep suggesting that we divide time up more wisely and give each other some of the day off, but then take responsibility for the DC solely while the other person takes time off. He runs straight to his Mum's or his sister's when that happens, so he can share the workload. He seems to get panicky about the idea and is grumpy as a bear with a sore head by the time his childcare duties are over. It makes it feel not worth fighting for because of the backlash"

He does all that because that tactic of his works (i.e. you do not complain because of the backlash). He gets other people to do the work of looking after his children for him. Its overall designed to keep you on the backfoot.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here; they are seeing that dad comes first. Also they will wonder of you why you have put up with such shoddy treatment from him.

How does everyone else divide child care and time out for R&R?

I was going to suggest exactly what you said at 0930, tortoise - get the money back from him for the babysitter time that he stayed. It's your money, it's precious, and you don't spend IT to give him a pleasant afternoon pretending to care for the children with an audience.

OP, I can only think of this one mitigating reason - when he's helping you or on his own, he worries that he will have to do real work and take on real responsibility. If he is "helping" the babysitter, he knows he doesn't have to do anything too tough as it's her job to do it, so he's a lot more relaxed about it. I suspect he didn't have to do much. Also, he probably wanted to stay in but didn't want to look like "one of those" parents who look like they "don't know how to parent/ too lazy to do parenting" so they are at home or bring their kids on outings but still have a babysitter/nanny along with them to do the "real" stuff like nappy changing for the babies, or making sure young kids eat their vegetables...so he said "I'm helping out" but knowing full well he didn't have to do anything too difficult.

Only you can decide if he deserves mitigating, ha ha!

Yes, you should ask him to give you the babysitter payments back: not in actual cold hard cash as you both share costs anyway, but in the form of a treat, eg if it cost fifty quid, then a fifty quid treat at a spa, just to pick an example.

I think you're absolutely right in your description of him appearing to be helping but not having to do the hard graft, so being more relaxed about it.

In this household we aim for equal work and rest time, we don't have the added complication of illness though.

Disposable income after bills belongs to both of us.

Time with our daughter is not seen by my DH as 'work' as it's something he wants to do and time with just the two of them they both see as special to their relationship and fair because I get time with just her. She also sees it as fair that DH and I get time to ourselves too.

There are times where either of us is more stressed or busy and the other picks up more to relieve the pressure. This equals out over time but we don't keep score on that as it's what we do to ease the life of the other and do it willingly and with love.

To be honest the best thing about being divorced was having real time off from the kids - 2 days and nights every 2 weeks was like gold. Being a single mum is exhausting. If you are not there then he can't come running to you to do whatever the thing is, so you get to just take care of yourself.

I can't help feeling that all this is very temporary anyway, as when the MS escalates then things are going to have to change one way or another. Have you had this discussion yet? And I would have thought that the better you take care of yourself now would be a kind of investment in the future. (But I am not a specialist in MS).

My now DP - doesn't hesitate to give me real time off/out. And I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing for him as I know it is reciprocal.

Having been through a similar situation, where I had to have a baby sitter because he refused to tell me if he would be there or not, and never once leaving the baby sitter to it, I can tell you that this is not normal behaviour.

To be honest you would be so much happier without him, and if I were you I would be telling him that on reflection you are out of there, because you couldn't be bothered with his arsey antics. He sounds exhausting and pathetic (but maybe my own experience means I have no patience for this nonsense!)

Unless I missed it how old are the children?

I am a SAHM with an illness that leaves me badly fatigued. I have to pace myself otherwise I can end up in a semi-collapsed state. This was much harder to deal with before the youngest went to preschool when he was 3.

So like you I didn't have a choice in what I did in the day when I had both and then one child at home. But once my youngest went to preschool for 5 mornings a week it made life a lot easier for me, leaving me with more energy.

Both my children are now in school, they are 11 and 8 and so to the outside world my life looks like a doddle, but DH knows otherwise. He completely appreciates everything I do, and I can now do everything because I can go at the pace my body sets.

The bottom line for you is that you have a DH who doesn't fully understand what you do because he won't do it himself -ie runs off to Mum or sister's houses with the children.

If he did look after the children by himself he might have an epiphany, then again he might just be a selfish arse

Maybe if you both acknowledge what the other person does do well then you can start from there. Stroke his ego a bit with a thank you. It may mean you get one in return

why do so many people do his money her money
it leads to constant problems, op I know that's not your only problems

but for goodness sake you need to share money fairly

One is in reception and the other is a year old. It's true that the reception class age is much easier physically than the 1 year old, So hopefully if I can ride through until preschool then the worst will be behind me. I am hanging on to that hope anyway!

The money thing definitely works for me because if I didn't have my own pot I would have a fight over everything I wanted to buy and certainly would never have got away with booked in help. As it is it took a LOT of persuading to let my DC be looked after by others; he's from a long line of believers in not "farming them out" as he likes to call it

Was he like this when you only had one child? was it a joint decision to have another.

You both seem like you are living separately, it sounds a very strange situation and he seems very controlling. Wants a wife, house, children, but doesn't actually want to do anything with them.

Him working and you being at home (ill or not) has nothing to do with it, because plenty of parents work full time (both of them) or part time, or one is stay at home, but children are not a chore, they are part of his life, and he doesn't sound like he's accepted them as part of his life, but more like a pet he was reluctant to have in the first place, therefore is not responsible for the "dirty work"

Sounds like an utter cock.

The more you write the worse he sounds. My grandmother has had MS for a long time and my Grandad was a farmer and even after a full day on the farm starting at 4:00am he would take over if my Nan was having a bad day and make sure she got a break because she is his wife and he loves her....they are a team.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't much care how much you're struggling which is very sad.

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this - having MS and an arsey husband cannot be fun.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you didn't have your small stash of money/income? I'm betting it would be pure hell. I was thinking this even before reading your last post, which pretty much sets it out.

You are saying that he would fight you over every expenditure you wanted to make if you didn't have your own pot. This speaks volumes. He sees the money he earns as his money, not shared money. He doesn't see you as a team. He wants 'his' money, and would be happy having you plead for it.

Oh and he implicitly criticises you for buying a bit of childcare as if it makes you a bad mother. What a horrid man. How dare he criticise you for wanting a break. He should be supporting you in finding ways to keep going, not undermining you.

All very well not 'farming them out'. Where is he when it's time to do his fair share of parenting? A long way away, that's where.

He wants control. And he is angry he hasn't got it.

I think this is dangerous because you are vulnerable. He doesn't see your vulnerability as an incentive to be more caring and protective. He sees it as an opportunity to dominate and control.

And he is cross that you have your own money and he can't stop you from spending it and having some power in this relationship. He sees everything as a power game. You may not, but you are caught up in his power game nonetheless.

I think he hates the fact that you have your pot. If you didn't he could control pretty much everything and make sure you didn't get the help you need and make you more and more dependent on him. I don't like him.

You are paying for this childcare because you know he wouldn't and because you would have to 'ask' - for your own money! And he makes it difficult for you even to pay for it yourself with his criticism of your mothering.

I think he will up the ante as your MS progresses. I think he is a scary. The fact that he behaves like this when you are ill is pretty nasty. It's not right.

Seriously - and I know you are thinking along these lines - think about what life would be like if you didn't live with him. It might be a lot nicer, just with you and the DCs, without this black cloud.

there are two children who dote on their dad.

There are also two children who love and need their mother, their only real parent, who is going to be prematurely stolen from them by this selfish bastard who wants her to wreck her health keeping him happy.

He sounds like a monster.

You asked how others divide childcare.

My DH works shifts(4 x 12 hr shifts per week) and I work from home so when he is in work or sleeping off a night shift I do the school run, general looking after our dc and working, housework etc.
On his shift change days he will do the school run and spend time with our dc before he has to go back to work in the evenings.
When he has his days off inbetween shifts he always does the school runs and spends time every evening with our dc, they have very similar interests and love spending time together which, as far as I am concerned, is what dads should do with their own kids. If I need a break or to get work done in the evenings that is never a problem and he will quite often tell me they are putting on a dvd which will not interest me in the slightest (sci-fi) so I make myself scarce to read, do my nails or whatever.

In addition to that he does most of the ironing (I detest it!) aswell as his fair share of the housework - the garden is his thing so he does everything outside too. The only thing he doesn't do is the cooking and this is because cooking is my passion so we have a very good routine in that he will always wash up afterwards.

I know we are in a very good situation whereas all of my friends work and a lot of them have to fit that around the childcare/school runs, aswell as doing the lion's share of cooking, housework etc etc. I wonder why most women seem to accept the majority of the drudgery and don't get feckin' angry enough to do something about it.

You are ill with a serious condition and I cannot get my head around your dh's attitude towards you or spending time with his own kids!!

op, what happens when your money runs out and your health has got worse and he has full control?